We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
Amber,
Man, those are some Right On The Money song lyrics! They brought me to tears. Obviously who ever (you?) wrote them had a psycho experience.
Hang in there. As Henry wrote there is no taking the pain away. The first part of grieving is truly truly difficult and heart wrenching. And giving yourself plenty of ‘room’ to experience whatever comes up for you, and being as kind and loving to yourself in the process, is important. Try to love yourself as much as you can. Do as many nice and comfy things for yourself as your life allows. Whatever activities, places, people, things, experiences ‘usually’ feel good and safe and rejuvenating. Do them.
Don’t be surprised if the usual things don’t feel quite as comforting or interesting as usual. This is natural when you have experienced a trauma.
You sound like you are doing some REALLY good stuff for yourself….surrounding yourself with softness and learning. Bad things happen to good people, and visa versa. I finally get that (what ErinBrock is talking about). Cancer, psychopaths, tsunamis, foreclosure, etc….all of it can happen to any of us.
We can be aware of the possibility of natural disasters, illness, crappy relationships, etc.. And we can learn some tools for avoiding or dealing with them. But they are out there and always will be.
My current practice is to eat well, sleep 8-10 hours, take vitamins, exercise, center myself, hang with loving others, measure people by what they do and not just what they say, listen to my intuition, avoid contact with known n/p’s, cry, laugh, and say no to whatever doesn’t fit in with my practice.
I wish for your continued awakening and healing Amber….glad you found Lovefraud.
Slim
Thanks Erinbrock and Slimone. I know that bad things happen to good people. Before I was with him, I was on top of the world-great job, HAPPY, good family and friends, and great social life. Really there weren’t many things that I could say were bad in my life. And the longer I was with him, I realized that NOTHING in my life was good anymore. Lost my job, gained weight, my drinking became out of control, my mental health deteriorated, my relationships with my family and friends suffered…etc etc. Then part of me thought it was my own fault or it was my karma for loving such a horrible person- being in a relationship with a married man, enabling his drug habit, allowing him to lie and cheat on me. These were all things that I KNEW were bad but for some unexplained reason I ALLOWED them to happen. I began to have guilt for being with him because I began to see things just getting worse and worse. And that’s when I started thinking, HE is the ONE reason that so many bad things have happened to me. I started to think about who I was before he was around and missed that happy, bright, beautiful young woman that I had worked so hard to become. I knew I had to get out, but actually doing was the hard part.
I’m AM a really intelligent person and right now I’m trying to figure out what it was about MYSELF that allowed me to put up with what I did. I know now that it wasn’t my karma or that I deserved any of it, it was just a bad situation that snowballed into a worse one as time went on. I just didn’t know how to get out…because at the end of the day…I still loved him. I couldn’t just turn it off. I wanted to “FIX” and not give up because for a while I honestly thought things might get better if I could get him to try and change his ways. I guess I’m an enternal optimist. HA!
But deep down I think I knew better the whole time, I knew what I was doing wasn’t good for myself, so why if I knew that, would I allow it to happen? Those are questions that I will have to look deep within myself to find the answer to. And I don’t think I was ready to find the answers until now. I’m no longer afraid of discovering my flaws and my weaknesses. I am ready to embrace them and learn from them, so I can move on with life and be aware for my future. I think that will be the most important part of my journey. He was like a scab that I just couldn’t quit picking, as gross as that sounds, but I’m ready to let it heal and hopefully the scar won’t be too ugly.
This is where I let my eternal optimism take over. That is one thing he can never take away from me. I’m glad that this has turned into motivation to better myself, because for a while I could see it leading to destruction. But with a good support system, and a postive attitude, I am taking every step necessary to try and let go, move on and never look back. He CANNOT HAVE MY FUTURE, and that’s what I’m looking forward to now. I’m getting stragith A’s in school, rekindled old friendships that mean more to me now than he ever will, and love the joy my puppy brings to me. I’m very glad I found this site and the encouragment of so many people. It’s empowering to know that there are good hearted people out there. I think that’s what most of us need right now!
Oh and I didn’t write those song lyrics, but I do believe they were written for me (or whoever else knows what we feel like) It’s actually a Madonna song. And yes, either she (or her writers) have been through a similar situation as us. I can’t listen to it without crying, but it’s a good cry because it’s about letting go and reassurance for me that I’m doing the RIGHT thing.
AMBER:
Oh yes….been there done all of that!
I remember trying to ‘unlock’ every door, go ‘through’every window and down the ‘chimney’ to ‘fix’ him, give him the benefit of the doubt…maybe I am imagining this, maybe he really didn’t ‘do’ this…..I wasn’t going to give up my family not being 1000 % certain there was NOTHING more I could do!
We are compassionate, we are loving, we do not want to quit on our man. Yes….eternal optimism….
Also, our fear of being alone, supporting ourselves, will anyone ever want us….maybe the put downs re: weight, your ugly, fat, too tall, too small, don’t have style, have bad hair, no one likes you….blah, blah….this all weakens our cracks…and plays a roll. They were quazi predictable…..the unknown is not. We settle…
It’s out time to get to know US!
When the drugs became known to me and how he involved the kids…….well…..pretty apparant he was trying to split our kids away from me…….then what can I do about that!??
Well….his attempt was THANK GOD, unsuccessful…..his fatal error! Don’t ever tell your mother, or it will be the end of our family…….OH YES…..it sure was! I couldn’t wrestle with our kids lives…..it was cut and dry at that point. I found this email over the weekend, and was amazed at how my feelings have never waivered…..one bit…..especially after I found out about the cluster B’s and behaviors.
Below is an email, I had sent to a friend between the time I found out about the drug house and the time I was able to boot him out…2 weeks… At the time I wrote this email….I was unaware of narcissism or Sociopathic or any Cluster B disorders…..I was very clear on HIS behaviors…..but didn’t know they had a ‘name’……I knew they were wrong and I was baffled by him. I was educated on these disorders just a few weeks after writing this email.
____________
Dear XX Girlfriend,
Well, heres the gig with ‘Satan’. I think I may
have told you that he was leaving for XX for vacation, and I
told him not to come home, he wasn’t welcome back here and he no longer had a home to
come to. I booked him a one way ticket!
Well, he left today!
I was pretty emotional last night, and I have been staying away from him completely for the past 2 weeks, since I found out he took the kids to the drug house. He keeps trying to talk me into believing whatever it is he wants to currently use to regain my ‘trust’ and just how much he loves me. How much he wants to be with me. I am not interested, whatso ever. It was the ‘climax’ of the reality for me. I Left today without
saying goodbye or anything to him, I wanted to spit on him…poison venom would be nice about now. I am really,
really pissed off for what he has done, how he has
conducted himself around the kids and the warped examples
he has set for the children. I don’t care what or how he could possibly explain this away…..no go! I can’t fool myslef at the expense of the kids any further. He has desecrated the marriage and any trust that I have had.
He still does not ‘know’ what he did…..more like
he knows because he was the one who chose the
actions…..the reality is , he is not sure which lie I am on to,
so he is still holding his silence on all of them.
I don’ believe he has ever in 17 years been authentic to me, he is all a facade, shows whatever he thinks someone wants to see in him or from him.
These behaviors really justify my actions towards
ending the marriage.
There is no use living with someone who is not really who I thought he was. Someone who doesn’t have the same goals and dreams and sabotages everything I work for.
He keeps telling me that he does not
want a divorce, and I keep telling him that it’s not
up to him any longer!
He’s a lier, cheater and a shitty, abusive parent.
I know I am in for an emotional journey, but one
that I am embracing with optimism.
Thank you for all your love and support…..I get a sense I am gonna need it all!
__________LOVE ME_______
Interesting huh? From a girl that had just woken up!
That was 3 years ago (on the 24th)……I am not the same person, and it has been quite a journey! A journey I continue to walk and I am sure walk until the day I die.
Every day I find answers….but then again I ask more questions…..so there are always more answers to discover.
Your doing great…..never doubt yourself…..or where you are going!
XXOO
EB
ErinBrock…Thank you for your insight. I totally understand where all of those feelings and emotions come from. Part of me being a compassionate, caring person has made me question one thing…I hope that you can give me your advice, as you have children and seem to know what it’s like to deal with a drug addict. My ex is still married, living with his wife and has children at home. I’m sure she realizes that he’s not a good person, but my ex is a SERIOUS drug addict. Has it hidden around the house and his wife doesn’t have a clue. She finally found out and was floored..didn’t have a clue that he was using at all… but one kids found one of his stashes and she gave him an ultimatum….Go to rehab or get the F out because she doesn’t want her kids subjected to the evil that is his addiction. Well, he half assed rehab. And within two weeks was back to the old him. I know he drives those girls around when he’s high. After his neck surgery and he was home for a couple months he would wait for the kids to go to school and drink himself into oblivion and take his pain meds and then go to pick them up and would drive with them in the car when he was shitfaced. And he would tell me these things and I felt terrible that I knew them and there was nothing I could do. It’s his own choice to hurt himself if he wants, but I would feel beyond guilty knowing what I know if anything happened to them. (And I’ve never even met them, but I don’t want to see two innocent children get hurt by his bad decsion making.) I know his use is worse than ever, and to be honest I know she doesn’t have clue. I worry about the well being of his children and that is the honest truth. They don’t deserve the shitty father they ended up with. And I feel that if she knew she would remover her children from the turmoil that is his life. I’m torn because I feel she should know so she can make an educated decision before it’s too late. He made decisions for me by lying and manipulating me because he knew if I knew the truth I would not stand for it. And I feel that maybe she deserves to know the truth that I know. And the other part of me thinks will this help or hurt my own recovery from him? I don’t know what to do…please feel free to give me a mother’s prespective as I don’t have children. Would you want to know? Should I tell their mother? I look forward to hearing your insight. Thanks.
Amber,
I have not been following the posts as I should…..so I appologize to not being familiar with your story beyond the past few days.
But, based on what you write above….I see your quandry.
Do you know her personally? Does she know about your affair?
I guess it wouldn’t even matter…..she’s in denial, and your not the one to bring her out! This is something we must do for ourselves and in our own time. You would never win her ‘loyalty’ towards you or the truth she is living.
That said…..as a mother…..and being in a similar situation….but no one telling me (and I;m not sure if I would have believed any ‘outsider’ anyways)….
My gut says to explore HOW you can alert someone…..to the dangers these children are in.
Anonymous CPS report, Contact the childrens schools,
It boils down to….responsibility society has towards children.
But, you must weigh the danger to yourself…..YOU must come first!!!
Can you find HER parents or a relative…..
If you have her name, you can do a 123people.com (free) Or even a reverse landline lookup. Whitepages.com , and find a relative of hers……try zaba search and intellius.com or peoplesearch.com to cross reference the information.
a mother, sister……..and write an anonymous letter….careful NOT to expose anything that only you would know. Maybe elude to a co worker or another bar patron at a local bar…..or give his description of his car and a location saying he almost ran you off the road etc…., something along those lines, but unidentifiable. Mention how seriose this is and you have forwarded a copy to cps, and will alert the authorities of him driving reckless, obviously under the influence around a school zone, or plan on it if nothing is done. This should alarm enough to get back to the mother…….to expolore and do her own testing for confirmation on her own.
Mail it from a place you eluded to……if he is from a different town.
Be covert for your own safety.
Now….you must realize…..You may not be able to do anything to change this situation…..you have to accept this. Let it go with whatever your decision is…..once you mail the letter…..you have to let it go with the letter.
You will never know the outcome, but you have tried to protect these children.
YES, I want to know about my childrens welfare….
YES…..at this point in my survival, I WANT TO KNOW IT ALL!
Even about the ex.
If you want to share, I listen. This is what I tell people that inform me still of behaviors….hidden money, drugs, bi-sexuality etc….
I find it easier to put together puzzle pieces and parts of my life I feel I kept my eyes closed on.
Recently, I was alerted to a picture of the ex on his knees in front of 2 men…..head in the lap of one of them, the other one with full erection…..As sick as this was to see……I had no idea and was told over and over…..but seeing the picture……there is NO DOUBT….his mouth was in places I would have never imagined!
I watched this , this weekend , And thought of How this relates to the obcesive thinking we do after the Parasitic infection. It’s Natural and normal, that is perhaps part of the discard to attempt to discredit what is GOOD and Normal about each of us!
http://www.ted.com/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html
Thanks EB. Sorry if I totally sprung that on you, seeming I am new to this site, but your story about finding out about your ex and his endangering your kids in drug houses, hit a nerve, because this is the one thing left that I care about in this situation…HIS kids…
Just to give you a quick background, my ex and I were together for 4 years, lied to me about every aspect of his life…age, work, marital status…I mean if he could lie about it, he did, until I started doing some research of my own. I’m very familiar with zaba and intellius. LOL. My friends thought I was nuts, but inquiring minds need to know and he clearly wasn’t going to tell me the truth!! The longer we were together, I had a feeling that things just weren’t adding up. He is a classic S. Told me every lie he could to keep me around. Empty promises of what our future was going to be, how I came into his life at a time when he wanted to end it all and I saved his life, how he loved me more than anyone he had ever loved before…BLAH BLAH BLAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH… But I ate it up and I was hooked, that’s when the ugly truth started to come out. Slowly he let me into his destructive behavior and I chose to try and think that if I loved him enough, he would change. Then the lies got bigger and his stories didn’t add up and I knew there was something not right with him. The drugs, the lies, the cheating, the paranoia, the abandoment issues, the disappearing acts, the mood swings.. That’s when I saw a dr. phil episode on S and I nearly had a panic attack, he was describing my ex perfectly. FINALLY I had my answer, I see that show as my divine intervention (as cheeseball as that sounds). I began doing tons of research on S and long story short, the more I educated myself, and the worse he got, I knew I had to get the hell out before I lost my soul to satan…(ok I guess that wasn’t a quick background..lol) And now I’m here today trying to regain my life…
Back to the issue at hand, I don’t know her on a personal level, nor do I care to bring her out of any denail of our affair, but I do have all of her info. If she couldn’t figure it out atfer 4 years, it’s not my place to tell her. And that’s why I was so torn, because telling her might open a whole can of worms with HIM and I that I don’t ever want to go near. It’s not worth my recovery, safety or sanity. I guess that’s why I haven’t said anything because I like to think before I act, be objective on all situations that may arise from it, and of course think about my safety first and foremost. But I do know she is in complete denial about her children’s safety.
Your advice is SUPER HELPFUL. I know where the kids go to school if I wanted to alert them, I have HIS parent’s contact info, and I would never mail anything from my house. I’m thinking contacting the school or an annonymous CPS report, even calling the authorities saying some drunk dude almost ran me off the road with his kids in the car and give them his license plate, and hopefully they would follow through with an investingation might be a good idea, because chances are he’ll be high, on pain meds and drunk.
I know there may be nothing I can do about this or I may never know the outcome, but I just feel like I’m the only one that knows how much danger these little girls are in and even though he’s F’ed me over so hard, I still have compassion and concern in my heart for his kids. God this is a sick situation!! I know this is something that I will think long and hard about (believe me this has been a constant struggle in my head for a while) but I will without a doubt make sure that I am safe and secure and 100% ready to make the decision if I decided to do it.
Sorry again that I sprung that on you, and THANK THANK THANK you SOOOOOOOOOO much for the ideas and honesty. Your suggestions really helped. And as for your ex, I can’t even imagine the horror of seeing what you had to see. But thank god that you know what you know and are able to make decisions for yourself because you know the truth.
Even though I don’t know you, your advice is invaluable to me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’m so glad this website is hear for us to continue the healing process. Thanks again EB.
Amber:
This is why we are here…..share and gain knowledge through others journeys…..
When we write, it’s healing for each of us.
Don’t you just LOVE the internet……recon abound!
I have said it before……I would NEVER have a facebook account……or Myspace….
For this very reason!!
I find, when I get an idea…..I sit on it for a bit…..the answer will come. I don’t react initially……..
There are things I would have done reactionarily (is that a word?) that once thought through…..It served me well to wait.
Timing is everything……
Patience is something I was able to gain through this process…..it was the ‘gift’ that came through the kids kidnapping.
It was the hardest learned lesson and gift.
Think, plan, trust, observe……and the answer will come.
Just remember….IT”S ALL ABOUT YOU NOW!
Take good care of YOU!
I’m glad I could share with you.
XXOO
EB
lostnsad,
there are many things u CAN do even if u are out of money. Little things, that i have found so valuable and they made me happy and made other ppl happy as well 🙂
U can make a cake/cookies for a friend, for instance.
I painted old pots for plants, than went to seed-plat/nursery garden and for some little money bought seeds, seedlings and flowers, and gifted them to my loved ones, friends and arranged my home 🙂 It does not matter if u are skilled paintor, u can always paint something nice . In addition, it gives great pleasure to watch flower grow from seeds u seeded.
Hand crafting is creative, it can help u develop a skills u even did not know u are having, and it keeps u bussy….(Ask ur friends for help in material if they have some)
Go through ur closet, find old clothes, if u think u cant rearange it, give it to homeless ppl.
Go surf internet for DO IT URSELF, CRAFTING…whatever…just keep urself BUSY with nice things 🙂 IT HELPS !!!
hugs and blessings
EB you couldn’t be more right. Writing all of this out is healing for me, in a way I never thought I could imagine. It’s as if I am purging all of the negativity that invaded my soul for the last 4 years. And I, like you, REFUSE to have a myspace or facebook either. LOL. I know that I am a extremely patient person. I too, learned that lesson being with him. So I have no problem waiting until I know that my heart tells me it’s the right thing to do.
I am realizing that there is a clear difference between us and the sociopaths….we have open hearts, minds and souls. When we hit our rock bottoms, we get a second chance because our TRUTH sets us FREE, we’re not afraid to feel and love. But they never get that second chance to be free because they are INCAPABLE of allowing love and truth in their life. Proof that lying rots the soul.
It is all about me now, without a doubt! My life is about setting positive goals and achieving them becasue I don’t want to live another day of my life living as unfulfilled as I was. I want to think that that was my lowest point in life and that I have no other option that to go up, up, up….
And I know that everything happens for a reason, as cliche as it sounds, but I will come out of this a better and stronger person, because if I don’t I will feel that I have handed my sould to the devil, which is something that I’m not going to do without going down with a fight. Thank you for sharing and thank you for letting me share. HUGS!
Amb