We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
I need to blog. A good friend of mine from another state visited this afternoon. I pulled out my big box of photos. Thot I had destroyed all of his over a year ago. Looking at pictures of my children, grand children grandparent, dogs, this and that and I pull one out of him. I took it early in our relationship on one of our first camping trips. I said OMG and my friend took it from me and she said she was going to tear it up. I grabbed it from her and said ‘No ! I am still in love with him”..it just popped out..all these months of “healing” and I said that. I didnt look at the picture close but I remember the moment I took it. I remember feeling apprehensive even then that something was missing here. And even then he was lying too me and I didnt even know it until after the fact. So–I dont know what to say.
Henry, Its ok. You meant that you are still in love with those memories of how you felt back then. That is your perogative. I have wonderful memories of riding motorcross bikes in the mountains of eastern washington. The most wonderful and exciting time in my life. and it was with the P. bummer. But you know who was also there? Me. and he was part of the scenery so I don’t want to erase him from those memories.
Ugh, maybe I shouldn’t have reminisced, just now. Made me a little queezy. Ok, well, I’m still determined to feel good about those 25 years, eventually and somehow. You will too, Henry. We both will.
Henry…you can’t change those feelings from the past. As much as I hate him now, I had some of the most memorable and exciting moments with my ex S. Sometimes I feel like that’s why I can’t understand why things went so wrong. We seemed to REALLY get along, have such an AMAZING time, experienced such UNBELIEVABLE times together. Yes, we had those moments, but in retrospect, over the ENTIRE relationship…those were just MOMENTS. I have a really hard time letting go of those moments too.!! It’s as if they were a glimmer into the “hope” that I had… that he was “meant for me.” I now know that was part of him charm. There will always be a part of my heart that he will have forever. And it sucks!! But I can’t change our past…it happened. I will embrace it, know that even though we had those “special times” that overall he was a rotten person. You will be ok…Moments like these will reappear when you least expect them to. Don’t let them own you, don’t let them hurt you, and don’t dwell on them. YOU ARE A STRONGER PERSON THAN THAT! You WILL be ok. Stay strong. We’re here for you. HUGS.
Oh, Henry, I can so relate. I have one last picture of my ex that turns up every once in a while. And I know it’s the last picture, and I probably should toss it in the trash, but I don’t. Instead, every time it shows up (it drifts among piles of books or bills or stuff to be filed), I look at it to see if he looks different yet. Or if I’m sufficient healed to see the dangerous emotional cripple, rather than the beautiful, clever boy I fell in love with.
Maybe that’s why you kept the picture. And maybe that’s why you yanked it out of your friend’s hand. Because that picture isn’t supposed to be destroyed until you can look at it and see nothing but the truth of him. If there’s a part of you that can say you’re still in love with him, then you’re not there yet. And maybe other people shouldn’t take it upon themselves to decide how you’re going to get there, no matter how well intentioned they may be.
I remember all the incessant advice-giving I endured while I was going through my healing process. I should get over it. I should find someone else. I should do this or that. And I had to tell them — in much nicer language, of course — to bug off. I was doing this in my own way.
And part of that way was a very slow disentanglement, not just from him, but from the big dream he personified. This “in love” state had its own life, enduring well beyond the time that I knew his puny, shallow, untrustworthy, narrow minded and stony-hearted self could not be the true cause of this glorious madness. It was much harder to let go of loving him that it was to let go of him. And a much darker prospect to be without it.
And that’s what I heard in your words. It wasn’t about him. It was about that feeling, and the picture was a souvenir. Getting over these people, for most of us, really does take bottoming out, letting go of that feeling and learning to live without even the prospect of it for a while. We need to do something like the twelve steps, facing our own addictions and the causes of them, making amends particularly to ourselves, and learning to live sober, so that our next love is maybe not so fabulous (as we imagined this one), but more real, respectful and a kind of fun that doesn’t leave us hung over in the morning.
If that outcry was a sort of “Don’t empty that last bottle, because I might want to drink” thing, give yourself a break. It’s not a drink. Just a photo to remind you of what you don’t want anymore of. And who knows, if you take a good look at it now, he might be starting to look different. I used to think I’d eventually look at my photo and see a monster. But these days, when I run into it, he looks weird, just weird. If your ex doesn’t look like that yet, put it away and take it out again in a few months to check how you’re doing.
I think you’re doing fine! A big hug —
Kathy
Hi, everyone. Especially twice betrayed and Witsend, as I know you really understand where i am at the moment re my narcopath 45 year old daughter.Im finding it harder to stay NC with her that I did leaving my ex, even when I was bashed unconscious. I think its especially hard if its your child, albeit a grown up one. Oxy I feel has the only workable solution for me, ie, to treat her as if she has inherited my sweet daughters organs,as up to the age of around 13 or 14, she was a normal, sweet, quiet, loving girl, doing well at school, a very bright child. I remember her, and see she has no relation to this horrible person who has cheated me, lied to me, conned me, beaten me up, wrecke d my home and art studio{granted it was many years ago.}conned me out of thousands of dollars, lied to me with sweet loving expression,
used me non stop for over 30 years. She has also gaslighted me, over and over, mocked at and sneered at me,banned me from her wedding, but invited my second husband,treated me like dirt for years and years. And I kept on giving ,like a fool, hoping against hope shed change if I just loved her enough. Nope .didnt happen, isnt going to happen.I think of her now, she still thinks shes a beautiful, smart, entitled being, but she has thrown away her home, her loving husband, her kids, as her ex now has full custody of them, good friends, good jobs, her Mum, her car, her credit rating, is thousands of dollars in debt despite me baling her out with thousands.At the moment, she is flat -sitting for a girl friend, but when her friend wants her flat back, what then? What is to become of her? She still looks good in a false phoney, smiley way. Always in black and scarlet, she looks like what she is a Vampire. very red lipstick, red dress. Where will she be in 5 years? 10 years?When it gets harder for her to play the poor victim. I still care even tho I know I cant see or contact her. This is still very hard. Love, GeminigirlXXDoes anyone know or care what happens to them eventually? I suspect its not good.
ps its been 4 months NC with her, and will be a year {on 8th Dec this year,} since I last saw her, and even then I was conned . She conned A$200- out of me so she could hire a car to bring the kids over to have lunch and pick up their xmas gifts.I since found out you can hire car for a round $40- a day. LOL! I got th usual, freebie books for me and David, even the wrapping paper was 2nd hand!!Gem.XXMy boundary was one apology, so far, not happened yet.And I dont suppose it ever will.
I meant to say, the books were AWFUL! One on Koalas, in tiny print, one on Crocodiles, same tiny print. obviously freebies, as she is in publishing.Some of the books shes given me in the past have even had “remaindered copy”, or “Copy, not for resale” stamped on them, and 2 years ago I found her hastily wrapping them upstairs in 2nd hand gift wrap!!LOL!!
Ps seem to give terrible gifts! gem.XXAlso, in 25 years, she has not brought as much as a packet of biscuits , a cake, or a bunch of flowers into my home.What is wrong with these sick people??
thank you skylar and amber – I am not upset, just thrown off balance a little. That picture was not expected. But I will keep it in the box hidden away. X was with me then because I was the only option he had at the time. So he acted the part very well, so well he may have even convinced himself he was in love. It was nice while it lasted. He acted his part very well as long as he was benifiting from it/me. The more aware I became of his act the more I rebelled and held back. So the acting became more of an effort for him. Thats when he started looking for new options – I was on too him. But he played the part right to the bitter end. As I have said before, it was time for him to find fresh humanity, someone who didnt know his dark side. I remember feeling like his security blanket, If I got out of sight he would throw a big tantrum and make me pay. i dont remember him comforting me ever. I guess I hope he is Ok out there – I dont know anything – prolly best that I keep it that way.
Kathleen – I didnt even look at his face in the picture, I just glanced at it and put it away. Thank you Kathleen – I am all right. I wish I could show it to everyone here and get your opinions on those cold angry empty emotionless eyes of his.
geminigirl,
I’m so sorry for your pain.
What’s wrong with them is they are evil, I think.
The last several years the p didn’t even get a gift for the boy I share with him, let alone my other boy or me. But then I can say, If I did’t have the money, he never got anything for his mom and dad, either. The last two birthdays our son had, he got him nothing and on top of that he started a fight with me and left without even telling him happy birthday. I called him and begged him not to just walk out like that on our boy, the whole “it’s his birthday, you can’t be like this today” crap, should have just let him go and made the best out of it. would have been better without that gloom hanging over us.
sorry, i didn’t mean to make it about me, my point was I think their presents are crap too.
He would steal peoples stuff and bring it in and say “look what I got you”. Somebody would ask if I’d seen such and such, they’d lost theirs. I’d be so ashamed to say “yah, I think I have it.” At first, I’d think it was a coincidence and say no, I’ve got one, p just got me one, but I haven’t seen yours. My mother finally pointed it out. It never occurred to me…duh
henry and gemini… they’ll be fine, before I knew what a s/p/n was, my mom would say about people (that we now have a name for)…”they’re ‘survivors’ they’ll always take care of #1.” But I don’t blame any one for wondering what will become of them or if they’re ok. Good hearted people do those kinds of things! Love and prayers, heavenbound