We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
I have been thinking about Valentine’s Day the last week. Thinking about how it will be difficult for many of us here. So, I am going to set up a ‘Valentine’s Wishes Card’ blog for us. I’ll put it up and we can use it very directly to note our wishes for ourselves, and for others. I’ll set it up this coming weekend and then post the url.
Okay – PTSD and anxiety, that’s me. I cannot concentrate for more than half an hour. My work has been suffering for months. My contact is just about over, and I am looking for work. I have been doing a lot of work to that end (VERY depressed economy here, and not much in my line of work), but in the last 2 weeks – as my being unemployed with no insurance or savings comes closer – I am tanking big time.
My anxiety is causing me to freeze….in almost every way EXCEPT thinking about everything to do with the spath, how dis- empowered i feel from the slights i have experienced in the last month from others (in relation to the spath and not), how stupid i feel (because i can’t concentrate – i feel damaged, and worry about my ability to work, as I am up and down. One day I can think, the next day, nada).
i have been toxic agian the last two weeks (chemical sensitivities) and now have had a bad cold the last couple of days.
I should be working right now. I feel compelled to log in a few times a day (i work from home)….and it’s about reducing anxiety , but at the same time it increases anxiety.
I heard a doctor on the radio yesterday (Lance Levy), talking about barriers to weight loss. There are five:
Mood Disorders
Chronic Tiredness
Chronic Pain Syndrome
Chronic Gastrointestinal Disorder
Disorders of Impulse Regulation
The last barrier relates to ADD/ADHD – and i haven’t been diagnosed, but i have the rest of them. This is yet again, more feedback for me that anxiety rules my life.
i have learned to do all sorts of things to escape anxiety. the last year of my life has been so traumatic (and the 3 years leading up to it were years of escalating difficulty), and the last few months have been over the moon with anxiety as i move through the discard phase of the spath experience.
today – it all feels like too much. I pray that tomorrow is easier. i lost the whole last week of my job search, almost unable to function. So, this weekend I will find some workbooks or something for PTSD – this is real for me, and so is the underlying anxiety disorder that has been blown into a mushroom cloud by the spath experience.
i need to turn down the tension in my brain. right food, rest, exercise – fun. i need fun. i need to recharge. i need it now. i will do something this weekend. i went out with a freind last sat. and felt like a big lump – i am never like that, but i felt so physically low, i was just deflated.
in time, in time, be patient one step. find a way to be easy with your self. i just want to cry.
One Step,
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way One step. ((BIG HUG))
I can relate. My anxiety levels and ability to do lifes daily functions seem paralized recently. Many days I can’t do even the simplest of tasks. EVERYTHING seems to create fear?
I had been dealing with PTS for many years and thought that I had learned to manage to at least co exist with it and function on a day to day basis. By just focusing on a few prioritys. Now I feel I am right back where I started.
I could sit down and cry right along with you….I am sorry that I can’t give you a positive pep talk right now, with what you are going through. Because when your in the midst of it, it is really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
You are in my thoughts. xxxxx
One Step –
Step one – CRY. Please cry. Let it out…Let it go…let if flow… Until there are no more tears. Sometimes we just need to go there and do that — I call it my regulated release time. REGULATED – I am on top of it – I am aware – and I let it out and feel it and validate my feelings – and then I get back to a better place.
Step two – Be okay with being YOU. In everyway. And then decide what parts you would like to work on (which you have already shared) and commit to working on them.
Step three – paste it post it place it where you can wake up and see your goals… focus on them…i need to turn down the tension in my brain. right food, rest, exercise ”“ fun. i need fun. i need to recharge. i need it now. i will do something this weekend. I need a new job and that might have to be my priority right now!!!
Step four – remember one word – CHOICE – you have the choice to turn away from focusing on yourself your challenges in your life right now with yourself, your job, your anxiety – to blur it out – block it out – by focusing on your ex and all the bs that came with her — or you have the choice to FOCUS ON YOU. Its brain power sometimes – literally making a deal with yourself to not allow yourself to go there (except maybe from 8-9 am)or some type of regulated time you let yourself go there.
Step Five – Tell yourself you are going to be okay. Because you are. Keep being yourself, keep sharing your ups and downs and challenges. You are going through life — stages and phases — growing learning changing hurting healing — it is the most difficult part of life but most rewarding once we get through the hell of it all. ONE STEP AT A TIME each and every day… You are not alone and you will reach your goals – one step at a time. Hang in there! Believe in yourself! Remember if your ex was in your life you would still be dealing with 90% of what you are — and unfortunately the stress of the addition of her — rather than true companionship — so right now you actually have a bit less REAL stress than if she were around!!!
ps. Great idea for Valentines Day!
One step lovely girl – if you need to cry then cry. I woke up this morning and remembered where I am and how horrible everything is and I felt the tears well up. I stopped it for a minute then I just let it come and wailed with it. It’s so unfair. The crying didn’t last long – the pets all came close to me and I was crying and talking with them about it and kissing them. It lasted maybe fifteen minutes and when I stopped – yes my eyes are a bit red and sore …
but the anxiety was less. I don’t know what it was about the crying but it kind of made me come to terms with the way things are in that moment if that makes sense. I know I will have other freak outs and probably other crying spells, but each spell starts with overwhelm and ends with balance. I felt stronger after the cry. I feel ok now for the day I think. If I had held it in I would have been on the verge of tears all day. Let it out.
On the job hunt and being stuck …get tapping. That worked for me for work and now I have to do it for other areas of my life – it takes the barriers and inertia down for some reason. It really works one step. TFT or EFT
“Even though I feel scared and unenthused about finding work …
I still love and deeply respect myself.”
You’re wonderful – don’t lose sight of that. I know this time is hard – I am struggling with the anxiety and intrusive thoughts as well. I just got a pile of books on trauma and recovery = I am determined that if I have got this far then I can get the rest of the way. Tell me what you find in your books and I will share anything useful from mine – we’re going to be a couple of nerdy swots at the weekend lol
The darkest hour is just before the dawn.
Dear Hens,
How bout you consider getting that picture out.
Look at it – for all its worth – not for all it could have been, should have been and wasnt.
Look at it through your eyes of reality.
Get a piece of paper. Write down what comes to mind when you look at it. Yes, Hens, you can start with the good.. because Im confident THAT list wont go on nearly as long as the next list you make — the bad, the real, the truth…
Then photocopy the picture (cuz if your like me youre not willing to toss it or damage it completely yet) then go buy yourself a dartboard. Choose either the original or the photocopy and center it as the bullseye… each dart you toss will be an emotional release… I would like you to share THAT picture when it is no more viewable because youve released so many emotions and bad memories and saw the real picture for what it was — its just a picture of what he is was and always will be in life … a bunch of little empty holes all over him that he fills -by sucking the life out of others and using others to feel like a man.
ps Hows your aim??
One step – you are right: in time, in time, be patient and give yourself some.xx
earlier on this year, quite a while after NC wit the sociopath I experienced anxiety off the chart and panic attacks out of no-where… this after periods where I thought I was ‘over it'( oh the cockyness of myself! I think Erin said something about balance on one of these threads…and she is so right!) I WAS doing nice things for myself, I was going to gigs and going for walks making myself have baths…with candles.. like I used to… but I still wasnt feeling it… ‘a nice relaxing bath’= a.) run the water b.) get in c.) get out…hmmm that was supposed to do something… (just walking involved trying not to pass out with fear!)
Only now am I realising that things are becoming more ‘natural’ to me again. I dont know when it clicked, but I know I had to push the envelope for a long time before it did for real. And no I dont feel all healed, but I am starting to feel more me again.
reading your post; there is a list of ‘I need to do this and that’s’ (I understand that we all know that we need to do a, b & c to feel better) but it can be overwhelming… I think the fall out can feel sometimes as much of a rollercoaster as the relationship:( Let go of some of those plates you’re spinning – it wont be forever. One thing at a time. Stop. allow your to be still sometimes. but do keep TRYING. You ARE going to be okay.x
(earlier on ‘this year’?? My brain is still stuck in 2009! Which is crappolla! What a rotten year 2009 was!;)xx
Today must be one of those crying days……i’m right there with you all!…..anxiety over S, anxiety and fear over job loss, no new prospects and no energy to do anything about it.
It mast be the planitary allingments….
this too shall pass!
My friends teenage daughter suffers from OCD/Depression…instead of jumping out of her bedroom window she turned to her friend who walked into her room moments before…and she told her everything she was feeling… a few years later she is a teenage advocate for suicide prevention and speaking up about things that go through your mind – to know you are not alone… I just visited her webpage and wanted to simply share the song she has playing on the website. I thought the lyrics were beautiful and inspirational!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMG7ywFSKxA&feature=related
LIL, midlife, witty, blueskies – thank you for your encouragement.
i cired – more so, i keened. and what came to me was that i have abandonned a part of myslef – the part that tried so hard with the spath. so i welcomed her back in.
i got really triggered the other day – google maps have put up the street views for my city. and there i am sitting on my porch working last summer. the rental car in plain view. i am so into not being revealed on the internet and there i fucking am. when you put in an address into google maps you get an approximation – not the exact address. but the spath would know it was me. i need to get in touch with google and see if we can do anything about this.
and that time of working on the porch was the beginning of the end of the spath. and connects to that left part of me.
am even sicker today – this cold is vile. i just wanna sleep. there are things swollen in my neck that i didn’t know could swell. argggh.
bye for now.