We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
from
http://www.mental-health-today.com/ptsd/dsm.htm
Posttraumatic Stress Disorder
Diagnostic Features
The essential feature of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder is the development of characteristic symptoms following exposure to an extreme traumatic stressor involving direct personal experience of an event that involves actual or threatened death or serious injury, or other threat to one’s physical integrity; or witnessing an event that involves death, injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of another person; or learning about unexpected or violent death, serious harm, or threat of death or injury experienced by a family member or other close associate (Criterion A1). The person’s response to the event must involve intense fear, helplessness, or horror (or in children, the response must involve disorganized or agitated behavior) (Criterion A2). The characteristic symptoms resulting from the exposure to the extreme trauma include persistent reexperiencing of the traumatic event (Criterion B), persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness (Criterion C), and persistent symptoms of increased arousal (Criterion D). The full symptom picture must be present for more than 1 month (Criterion E), and the disturbance must cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning (Criterion F).
Traumatic events that are experienced directly include, but are not limited to, military combat, violent personal assault (sexual assault, physical attack, robbery, mugging), being kidnapped, being taken hostage, terrorist attack, torture, incarceration as a prisoner of war or in a concentration camp, natural or manmade disasters, severe automobile accidents, or being diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. For children, sexually traumatic events may include developmentally inappropriate sexual experiences without threatened or actual violence or injury. Witnessed events include, but are not limited to, observing the serious injury or unnatural death of another person due to violent assault, accident, war, or disaster or unexpectedly witnessing a dead body or body parts. Events experienced by others that are learned about include, but are not limited to, violent personal assault, serious accident, or serious injury experienced by a family member or a close friend; learning about the sudden, unexpected death of a family member or a close friend; or learning that one’s child has a life-threatening disease. The disorder may be especially severe or long lasting when the stressor is of human design (e.g., torture, rape). The likelihood of developing this disorder may increase as the intensity of and physical proximity to the stressor increase.
The traumatic event can be reexperienced in various ways. Commonly the person has recurrent and intrusive recollections of the event (Criterion B1) or recurrent distressing dreams during which the event is replayed (Criterion B2). In rare instances, the person experiences dissociative states that last from a few seconds to several hours, or even days, during which components of the event are relived and the person behaves as though experiencing the event at that moment (Criterion B3). Intense psychological distress (Criterion B4) or physiological reactivity (Criterion B5) often occurs when the person is exposed to triggering events that resemble or symbolize an aspect of the traumatic event (e.g. anniversaries of the traumatic event; cold, snowy weather or uniformed guards for survivors of death camps in cold climates; hot, humid weather for combat veterans of the South Pacific; entering any elevator for a woman who was raped in an elevator).
Stimuli associated with the trauma are persistently avoided. The person commonly makes deliberate efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations about the traumatic event (Criterion C1) and to avoid activities, situation, or people who arouse recollections of it (Criterion C2). This avoidance of reminders may include amnesia for an important aspect of the traumatic event (Criterion C3). Diminished responsiveness to the external world, referred to as “psychic numbing” or “emotional anesthesia,” usually begins soon after the traumatic event. The individual may complain of having markedly diminished interest or participation in previously enjoyed activities (Criterion C4), of feeling detached or estranged from other people (Criterion C5), or of having markedly reduced ability to feel emotions (especially those associated with intimacy, tenderness, and sexuality) (Criterion C6). The individual may have a sense of a foreshortened future (e.g., not expecting to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span) (Criterion C7).
The individual has persistent symptoms of anxiety or increased arousal that were not present before the trauma. These symptoms may include difficulty falling or staying asleep that may be due to recurrent nightmares during which the traumatic event is relived (Criterion D1), hypervigilance (Criterion D4), and exaggerated startle response (Criterion D5). Some individuals report irritability or outbursts of anger (Criterion D2) or difficulty concentrating or completing tasks (Criterion D3).
Specifiers
The following specifiers may be used to specify onset and duration of the symptoms of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder:
Acute. This specifier should be used when the duration of symptoms is less than 3 months.
Chronic. This specifier should be used when the symptoms last 3 months or longer.
With Delayed Onset. This specifier indicates that at least 6 months have passed between the traumatic event and the onset of the symptoms.
Associated Features and Disorders
Associated descriptive features and mental disorders. Individuals with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder may describe painful guilt feelings about surviving when others did not survive or about the things they had to do to survive. Phobic avoidance of situations or activities that resemble or symbolize the original trauma may interfere with interpersonal relationships and lead to marital conflict, divorce, or loss of job. The following associated constellation of symptoms may occur and are more commonly seen in association with an interpersonal stressor (e.g., childhood sexual or physical abuse, domestic battering, being taken hostage, incarceration as a prisoner of war or in a concentration camp, torture): impaired complaints; feelings of ineffectiveness, shame, despair, or hopelessness; feeling permanently damaged; a loss of previously sustained beliefs, hostility; social withdrawal; feeling constantly threatened; impaired relationships with others; or a change from the individual’s previous personality characteristics.
There may be increased risk of Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Social Phobia, Specific Phobia, Major Depressive Disorder, Somatization Disorder, and Substance-Related Disorders. It is not known to what extent these disorders precede or follow the onset of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder.
Associated laboratory findings. Increased arousal may be measured through studies of autonomic functioning (e.g., heart rate, electromyography, sweat gland activity).
Associated physical examination findings and general medical conditions. General medical conditions may occur as a consequence of the trauma (e.g., head injury, burns).
Specific Culture and Age Features
Individuals who have recently emigrated from areas of considerable social unrest and civil conflict may have elevated rates of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. Such individuals may be especially reluctant to divulge experiences of torture and trauma due to their vulnerable political immigrant status. Specific assessments of traumatic experiences and concomitant symptoms are needed for such individuals.
In younger children, distressing dreams of the event may, within several weeks, change into generalized nightmares of monsters, of rescuing others, or of threats to self or others. Young children usually do not have the sense that they are reliving the past; rather, the reliving of the trauma may occur through repetitive play (e.g., a child who was involved in a serious automobile accident repeatedly reenacts car crashes with toy cars). Because it may be difficult for children to report diminished interest in significant activities and constriction of affect, these symptoms should be carefully evaluated with reports from parents, teachers, and other observers. In children, the sense of a foreshortened future may be evidenced by the belief that life will be too short to include becoming an adult. There may also be “omen formation” – that is, belief in an ability to foresee future untoward events. Children may also exhibit various physical symptoms such as stomachaches and headaches.
Prevalence
Community-based studies reveal a lifetime prevalence for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder ranging from 1% to 14%, with the variability related to methods of ascertainment and the population sampled. Studies of at-risk individuals (e.g., combat veterans, victims of volcanic eruptions or criminal violence) have yielded prevalence rates ranging from 3% to 58%.
Course
Posttraumatic Stress Disorder can occur at any age, including childhood. Symptoms usually begin within the first 3 months after the trauma, although there may be a delay of months, or even years, before symptoms appear. Frequently, the disturbance initially meets criteria for Acute Stress Disorder (see p. 429) in the immediate aftermath of the trauma. The symptoms of the disorder and the relative predominance of reexperiencing, avoidance, and hyperarousal symptoms may vary over time. Duration of the symptoms varies, with complete recovery occurring within 3 months in approximately half of cases, with many others having persisting symptoms for longer than 12 months after the trauma.
The severity, duration, and proximity of an individual’s exposure to the traumatic event are the most important factors affecting the likelihood of developing this disorder. There is some evidence that social supports, family history, childhood experiences, personality variables, and preexisting mental disorders may influence the development of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. This disorder can develop in individuals without any predisposing conditions, particularly if the stressor is especially extreme.
Differential Diagnosis
In Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, the stressor must be of an extreme (i.e., life-threatening) nature. In contrast, in Adjustment Disorder, the stressor can be of any severity. The diagnosis of Adjustment Disorder is appropriate both for situations in which the response to an extreme stressor does not meet the criteria for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (or another specific mental disorder) and for situations in which the symptom pattern of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder occurs in response to a stressor that is not extreme (e.g., spouse leaving, being fired).
Not all psychopathology that occurs in individuals exposed to an extreme stressor should necessarily be attributed to Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. Symptoms of avoidance, numbing, and increased arousal that are present before exposure to the stressor do not meet criteria for the diagnosis of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder and require consideration of other diagnoses (e.g., Brief Psychotic Disorder, Conversion Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder), these diagnoses should be given instead of, or in addition to, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder.
Acute Stress Disorder is distinguished from Posttraumatic Stress Disorder because the symptom pattern in Acute Stress Disorder must occur within 4 weeks of the traumatic event and resolve within that 4-week period. If the symptoms persist for more than 1 month and meet criteria for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, the diagnosis is changed from Acute Stress Disorder to Posttraumatic Stress Disorder
In Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, there are recurrent intrusive thoughts, but these are experienced as inappropriate and are not related to an experienced traumatic event. Flashbacks in Posttraumatic Stress Disorder must be distinguished from illusions, hallucinations, and other perceptual disturbances that may occur in Schizophrenia, other Psychotic Disorders, Mood Disorder With Psychotic Features, a delirium, Substance-Induced Disorders, and Psychotic Disorders Due to a General Medical Condition.
found this tonight:
http://blogs.howstuffworks.com/2010/05/04/epigenetics-and-ptsd-nature-and-nuture-working-in-conjunction-to-give-you-flashbacks/
This is a phenomenal article and a great one for the newbies here.
Your process is your process.
Don’t let anyone else tell you how to do it.
LL
Ok…
So here goes. I had my first therapy appt. today. Great therapist. We’re in it for the long term. One of the things he shared with me was not to tell myself I don’t feel what I feel, or to allow others to tell me not to feel what I feel……..at the time, this held some significance, but not nearly what it does after having read this.
Yes, I’m obsessing. Yes, I’m very deeply wounded, despressed and struggling. Yes, I have PTSD. Yes, I spend all day long ruminating, struggling through conversations, wondering why he kissed me as if he wanted me there at his house when he asked me out to have dinner, yes, I’m crying, yes it HURTS LIKE A BITCH……..and yes, I loved him. I LOVED HIM!! I MISS the times that WERE good………..and when I start to cry, as I am now, I think about the things that he did that hurt me purposely…….and I think about the woman he’s love bombing and screwing right now, who he has easily and effectively replaced me with in five weeks. Yes, I think about that…….
HOw did I miss it? I don’t know if it matters right now. But I do know that all of this obsessing and hurting has to have some meaning, even if I don’t know what it is.
I’m just starting this journey. It took all I had no to contact tonight. It would have had devastating effects for me………
Will he do the same to her? Was what I FELT real?
Yea, what I felt was real. I loved him. I loved what I thought was, but have to integrate that it wasn’t at all FOR HIM…but that doesn’t change that it WAS for me. I have to accept not just who he is, but what I’m feeling right now, and not just part of it, but all of it.
I’m a wounded soldier. I’m aching inside, almost feel like dying ithurts so bad, but on the other hand, I know what I experienced and it was brutal………..
No, I have not reached teh point that someone who I had incredible times and sex with, is now experiencing this with someone else. NO, it does not help me to hear that he’ll do it to her. None of it eases the pain.
Ruminating, obsessing, FEELING the pain is an absolute devastation…….but there has to be a reason.
I fear seeing him. Not because I don’t love him, but because I did and because as I pass him by, he and his new FUCK, I’m living with the reality that just six weeks ago, I thought I might have meant something, only to be faced with the lies that I did not.
Intellectually, I know what’s true. But integrating it into my heart, is another issue altogether. It’s all I can do to not think about it, to not fear seeing him, to visualize his new gf (have not seen her yet, but am sure will, as she lives just down the road), and he together and that she’s getting something that I felt for certain would be mine. The promise. And all of the garbage that goes with it.
I loved him.
And for now, that’s just that.
LL
LL
I’m so sorry for your pain.
I think that responding to you now endangers me to your lashing out in pain, but I’m going to anyway.
Yes, you are hurting. I know that, I’ve been there. It sucks big ones. People here are telling you what they have felt so that you know what to expect in the future. It does not invalidate what you are feeling now. It just says that there are more steps in the process. I’m glad you have a therapist. He is going to be your anchor. But you are going to do the work.
It’s very much about us.
LL, I can fluctuate between being angry and being calm very easily. I just have to determine a perspective. If I take it personally: goddamit it happened to ME. a sociopath attacked ME. He LIED to me. I lost 25 years to it. and now I’m past my child-bearing years. My youth was a nightmare…goddamnit, he was POISONING me so I was always sick. and then I find out my PARENTS were sociopaths tooo. and they made me believe his lies by the pattern they imprinted on me. …. it makes me want to cry.
But if I think, hmmm…. look at all the other people who endured sexual and psychological abuse since infancy. It’s endemic in the human race. It’s part of being human, and this is the role I got. God has His reason. He wants me to work towards righting a wrong, then I feel less like a victim and more like a hero. It’s all about perspective.
There is no shortcut and no coupon, we have to work thru it. That’s the best I have for now. (((((LL)))))
LL, thank you for sharing yourself with us. Every time you want to contact him, and don’t, you become a little stronger. It’s a daily battle for me to control my thoughts,
I have good days and bad days.
I went through the same thing this article is about, and I especially lived the part that says
“Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery. It is OK to let yourself feel it.
I can say that to you because I say it to myself.”
The pain, fear and anxiety in me was what kept me in the bad relationshits for so long. I did everything I could to avoid feeling anything that felt like rejection. I fought the pain, I didn’t want to feel it. I am so glad you found a therapist that understands all this!!! You are right, there is a reason, and it’s a different reason for each of us.
LL, This is the most painfull part of your healing. The admission that he didn’t love you, (because he can’t love anybody) but it is the absolute cornerstone upon which the rest of your life will be built. The truth hurts, as they say, but the only way out, is through….
This is the point at which denial tries to resurface. It promises to releive us of our pain…it whispers lies in our ears, like Satan did in the garden of eden…it tells us we can have what we want, if we only try harder, or be better, or_____, fill in the blank….
But to cave, in the face of our pain, and indulge ourselves in denial, only insures more pain, more loss….and really only post-pones the inevitable….this, that you are experiencing, now.
So yes, there is good healing work to be done, and you are doing it, and doing it well.
You are right where you are supposed to be.
Hang in there…it gets better. I promise.
Kim, I read your post about dogville. I’ll look for it, it sounds good and exactly what I’m looking to learn more about: the evil in the “common” person. How dangerous is it? what is it? Why is it? How common is it? How do I identify it and how do I deflect it?
Lesson Learned,
OMG, when I read your post, I literally started crying at my desk at work, and realized that WE ALL SHARE THE SAME PAIN.
I really liked everything you said, but one thing that stuck out to me the most was, “Intectually, you know he is wrong for you, but you still want him.” (just summing up your words”) That’s how I felt too. I KNOW that I have no future with someone who is 30 years older than me, a liar and a manipulator.
What helped me was this question to myself. If there was a time where she had to save herself or me” who would she save? The answer is, herself. CLEARLY, herself. Me, I would give up my life for her in a second (and I did, when I left home, my family, my world, myself). If you know someone that truly loves you (parents, siblings, past relationships) you will see a big difference between them and your spath. Your spath will save themselves (even if the price is your life) and your TRUE loved ones will always save you, and are even willing to give up their happiness for yours.
Lesson, you are one of the people that helped/are helping me here. So now, I want to just say a few words to help you too. Because you need it, and because I am returning the favor you did for me.
Two days ago, I was at my breaking point. I was ready to give up almost 5 months of NC and just call my spath” but then I came here and asked for everyones help” I went to my siblings. And something my sister told me that helped me out so much was”
“Your mind is USED to thinking about her, good or bad. You are in the HABIT of constantly thinking about her and trying to answer questions that will never be answered. Now you must reprogram your brain and everytime you have a THOUGHT about her, DEMAND yourself to STOP. There are many other people who need you, think about them. THINK ABOUT YOU. ANYTHING but her. You have to DEMAND it from yourself. You have tried to answer your own questions for the past 5 months and you have been circling around the same thing for so long, try my way for 5 weeks and you will see the biggest change in yourself.” AND I ALREADY HAVE, lesson.
Lesson, please don’t give up. Please go to the gym if you already aren’t. When I spoke to Donna, here from LF, the first thing she told me. GO TO THE GYM. And I didn’t listen, but you know what” it WORKED. It really did. STAY OUT OF THE HOSUE as much as possible, and everytime the THOUGHT comes to you, you will kick it away. It just works. It worked for me 2 days, but I really have been giving it my 100%. You have to do the same.
I can sit here and go on and on about how digusting, unhuman, wrong, horrible and sick person your spath was. BUT it wont change in your mind. SO FORGET IT. Forget about hating him, just tell yourself, I will move on, like he has.
It works, Lesson. Its working on me. It worked on many other survivors here on LF.
A quote that I have posted on my desk at work, which reminds me of you and many others here on LF”
“God places the heaviest burden on those who can carry its weight”.
Hi Sky, I don’t know if you saw it, I think it got buried somewhere, but I also posted about a short story by Flannery O’Connor, entitled, “Good Country People.”
I’ve been re-reading it today, and looking at essays, reviews and critisism, and most folks don’t see it in quite the same way that I do. They focus on the Joy/Hulga charactor, and her arrogance, but never question how she got that way.
They focus on her lack of faith….She’s difficult, and intentionally annoying…she’s angry, and unhappy, but in some ways I identify with her.
Most folks say nothing about the covert evil in the good country people that surround her.
While the most blatant evil is easily recognized, the subtle stuff goes undetected.
Anyway, I think you would have a bit of an ah hah moment if you decided to read it. It’s available on-line, and will only take a few minutes to read.
Let me know if you read it. I would love to hear your take on it. It is full of symbolism, and we could have a gas analyzing.