We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
Thank you all for your kind words.
Lost, thanks for your post. I’m very new at this. Not even a whole month complete NC (last contact was New Year’s Eve). I’ve had NC with him before, the longest being last year for three months.
This time feels different. There’s more a finality to it for me.
Yesterday, I had to see my doctor, having discovered a lump in my left breast awhile back, but not thinking much of it because I have fibrocystic breast on the left, but it kept getting bigger and there was pain radiating up into my armpit, just felt different. Well, I got a referral to a gyno doc from my PCP and when I went in yesterday, there was not just one lump, but two, the other smaller but concerning to her. So, Monday it’s diagnostic mammo, biopsy and ultrasound. I read the paperwork last night about it, and the orders are a slight variation in what is planned to be done, rather than what was I was told to be done. Tomorrow is another appointment with the same doc for a pelvic, pap and to address my genital warts issue, which has spread and is not so comfie. I”ve been begging for a hysterectomy for over a year now as my periods last two weeks at at time and the past five months, I’ve missed a couple, then bleed like crazy and for a long time when they do come, not to mention they’re excrutiating and debilitating. All of these things I blew off when I was with spathy. Even my own health. Not anymore. Today I went to the eye doctor and had an exam, for eye health care and to get contacts. THIS I’m excited about because I’ve been wearing the same glasses forever and I don’t like how they look on me, nor do I care for how they FEEL either as I can’t see real well. I really liked this eye doc. A new one for me, and that’s significant because the eye doc I had before, i had for 25 years. Someone I know works for him, and says he’s a total asshole, so go figure on how he would whiz through my exams, when I asked him to slow down, WOULD NOT, and I never got the correction I needed before I’d have to come back months later to do it all over again. I still stuck with him anyway LOL!! Just like I did with spath, so I ventured out to find a new doc. I’m so glad i did too. He gave me a 40 percent discount for the exam and I only have to pay 100 out of pocket (my insurance does not cover vision), for a class to learn to put my contacts in, a months supply of contacts, and as many follow ups as are necessary to make sure everything is going well. Blew me away. I’m VERY excited about my new contacts. I hear one has to be very motivated to stick with it and I am, and that’s half the battle, I hear. (If anyone wishes to throw their two cents of advice in on this one, that’d be great!). I recently had a mother/daughter day and we got our hair done, I bought some great makeup and skin/hair care product. The difference when putting this altogether is that with the contacts and without the glasses and new “me” otherwise, I have totally changed my look. My glasses added ten years to my looks. This is stuff that really helps. I hope that the inside will match soon. My health right now, is worrisome because of the stress of having been with exPOS. But enormous strides have been made. My alcohol problem while with him, is over. I got a great therapist now (he actually asked ME if I’d read Bob Hare’s book “Without a Conscience) and he’s willing to work with me long term. He has worked with abusive men before and gave me some great examples of what the differences are between your basic abusive male and those that are personality disordered. He definitely gets it. Now he works with adult trauma survivors of both abusive men and the personality disordered. It was a welcome relief.
Join a gym? sure wish I could. While I’m very grateful for my student loans that have allowed for a transformation on a lot of levels for me right now, I think my daughter and I just have to stick to the track at the college, and I have to watch my dollars now. 🙂
Anyway, Lost, I hear what you’re saying about your sister telling you to demand to yourself to stop obsessing on your spath. To get out of the house more. Unfortunately, I’m taking ALL online classes this term, which keeps my butt at home. I’m moving a bit slower on this level right now. Just getting my health taken care of, getting a qualified awesome therapist, as well as doing little “treats” for myself that I’ve neglected, are MAJOR strides for me right now. Could you share with me a bit more about how you felt while telling yourself to stop obsessing?
God I wish I could do the gym thing. UGH! Exercise is such a good thing. Walking/running the track is great, but being inside during winter is BETTER lol!!!
Anyway, Lost, I just dumped on you here, but………I so appreciate your effort to share what’s working for you 🙂 I think I’ve been pretty well beat up by spath to the point where doing simple things feels very overwhelming. Little by little, I’m making new strides in my life. But it’s requiring a great deal of effort on my part, even when I don’t feel like it, ya know? Has anyone else here struggled with pushing yourself to get things done? I’m pushing pretty hard right now, and am a little scared about the health stuff, but…still a little voice in my heart keeps telling me it will be okay eventually 🙂
LL
OMG…when I first found the x on dating sites and connected the dots…I ended the r/s via text and went NC immediately. 2 weeks later..we met and he continued lying and that was it for me. NC for five months.
Well, getting back to that day. It was the worst feeling ever. Betrayal. Nothing worse. I was NUMB…could only sit out on my deck chain smoking, drinking coffee…only talking to my neighbor…journalling and reading on my laptop.
It was the worst time in my life…second to when my xhusb abandoned me penniless with 3 babies!
I don’t know much about dissociation…but I think thats what happenned to me. Does anyone know about that? Was I dissociated?
Also, I never answered my xbf/s call and text since New Years day. To reiterate…I met him..he gave me some gifts…I left him to drive to friends house…and he called to make plans to see him on NYday. I said..”What for?” and I hung up…
Now I feel badly doing that..and maybe I should write an email to explain…just be humanistic. But, I don’t want to open communication with him…only I don’t feel I was being fair. He usually calls or texts when I go NC…but I knew if I did it this way…he would be so mad…and it worked.
I just feel so mean in my heart.
LL,
I am so sorry about your health issues.. I hope everything works out for the best. I cant believe how one can get so caught up with an spath that they forget THEIR own health!! ugh, makes me sick. But i am so happy you found a good therapist. That makes me smile for you and the fact that he reccommended the book, thats amazing and shows a great new path for you.
Lesson, you mentioned that your therapist is helping you distinguish a difference between abusive men and personality disordered and provided great examples… Can you share some?
And lastly, please vent, we are all here to listen…. all here to help each other when we have bad days but also to cheer each other on when we have great days.. 🙂 So good for you!! You deserve it…
What is helping me overcome this obesession is STOPING my thought about my spath when its tiny. So when i start thinking, remember when she…. i tell myself STOP!!!! NO NO NO!!! think about anything else.
I went on amazon.com and order some books, GOOD, FUN books to keep me busy when i feel like i have nothing to do. I am volunteering my time at an animal center (i havent officially started, but will this weekend).
Basically, just reprogramming my brain… I refuse to let myself take over this obesssion. It will just consume me and get so bad one day that i will no longer be alive. I want to live. For myself, my family and my true friends. I want to get married one day, have my own children and do everyting that i had planned since i was a little girl. A bump is my road will not hold me back (it was a BIG bump)… The only person standing in the way of my happiness, is me.
What helps me the most is my job. I work in a great, positive envirornment… and being here… keeping busy… really helps.
Hope you can find something for you as well.
Wish you the best 🙂
And another quote…
“Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing”.
🙂
The beauty of the hindu mantra “OM” is that you can not make that sound and think simultaneously.
Try it.
🙂
tobehappy says:
“when I first found the x on dating sites and connected the dots”..It was the worst feeling ever. Betrayal. Nothing worse. I was NUMB”..It was the worst time in my life”..I don’t know much about dissociation”but I think thats what happenned to me. Does anyone know about that? Was I dissociated?”
I so very get this tobehappy. Same happened to me. I can’t even remember the drive home (I had stumbled across him in the library 25 kms from our home; he was supposed to have been at football training with his son…) I wandered around in circles for days afterwards, not eating, shaking and throwing up.
The numbness is shock and if it keeps on going, then yes, it’s a type of temporary dissociation. It’s not the same things as the dissociation that forms part of some Personality Disorders; it’s more a survival-mechanism. Your brain overloads because it can’t handle/process the reality of what has happened, so you just go into this unreal, fuzzy, trancelike state.
“he called to make plans to see him on NYday. I said..”What for?” and I hung up”I feel badly doing that..and maybe I should write an email to explain”just be humanistic. But, I don’t want to open communication with him”only I don’t feel I was being fair. He usually calls or texts when I go NC”but I knew if I did it this way”he would be so mad”and it worked.”
Good – you WANT it to work. You NEED it to work; the other ways were not as effective as this way – this way has bought you more time to breathe freely and steel yourself against whatever he might try next. These are GOOD things.
You should not feel bad – there is a difference between perpetrating cruelty to animals and having to injure or kill a predatory animal that would otherwise injure or kill YOU. I LOVE animals (I even like snakes), but I chopped off the head of a highly venomous snake the other day, because it had set up camp in my yard and would not move on. It was down to him or me (or the other animals in my care or the children who play in my yard who might have died had they been bitten by it).
It goes against my nature to hurt or kill ANY creature – but it was him or me. Same goes for you – it’s him or you. We are not talking etiquette or good manners here – we are talking survival.
“I just feel so mean in my heart. ”
No. Don’t. Just Don’t.
Lostnconfused –
WOW! You sound soooooooo together girl! x
Kim,
Very good story. here’s a link for anyone else who wants to read it.
http://faculty.weber.edu/jyoung/English%206710/Good%20Country%20People.pdf
and here’s another link
http://www.storybites.com/oconnorcountry2.htm
for a short analysis that I tend to agree with.
A quote that struck a note with me from that analysis, “… he is really asking her to submit herself to him body and soul. She does, which causes her to become “entirely dependent on him”. His theft of the leg and betrayal of her leaves her open to the action of God’s real grace in her life, thus making Manley an agent of grace himself. O’Connor leaves Hulga in the barn, but we know it will be a considerably different Hulga who emerges. ”
That leaves us to the question, can a spath be an agent of grace?
Well they are certainly agents of growth. We all emerge completely new from those horrible encounters, unfortunately it feels more like turning from a butterfly into a caterpillar. Our wings feel clipped.
Your perspective is certainly different, I hadn’t thought much about the others as being evil, but all of them are portrayed as extremely narcissistic. Tell me more about what you mean.
Ausssie….
Thank you so much! I’ve been home not feeling well for the past 2 days…feeling like doing nothing..and I started to feel guilty for the way I ended it this time. We only got together as “friends” in July after 5 months of NC…and I didn’t even want to be with him anymore..so I hardly saw him. Whenever he called, I just didn’t feel up to it! So, we just talked on the phone and met up for movies and even had an argument in October and didn’t talk for 2 weeks. So, when the holidays rolled around..he was promising this and that and I realized that NOTHING CHANGED. I wrote about the “watch” he promised me….never panned out.
So, this year, when the holidays came, I refused to let him ruin them as he did last year. (another story)..with his last minute plans to see me and ruin my plans with friends…
I was on my way up to stay with my g/f’s for the New Year and he gave me some “gifts” and I made up my mind to end it and STOP THE INSANITY!!
So I did.
You are right. Because the pattern in the past has been that I cool off, feel guilty , and write him a nice note explaining myself….and then POOF….he gets me back!!!
So, maybe I needed to do this the way that I did. He had to spend NYeve wondering what was going on….
I felt..Hey, let him think about what he does to me over and over. And, usually he would call or text by now..and I’m really happy he didn’t because I am so certain of my decision to get him out of my life.
Today…being melancholy, not feeling well…I started to feel badly about ending it without explaining why. But, I know that I would only open up communication with him no matter what I would write. I’m just not a cold, mean person….
To be happy,
I’m glad you ended it like you did. It made him think you were a mean person, so now he’ll leave you alone. They only want to punish us for being a good and caring people. If you don’t portray yourself that way, he won’t care about you.
OMG…………
He’s everywhere……………I went to the store this afternoon…..
What am I doing wrong here? When will the pain go away?
LL
LL- You are just getting on with your life darling. You KNOW he hangs around. You are planning on moving, aren’t you?
Did you speak to him? What happened?
The pain will go when it’s done baking. Just hold on – you are nearly done. So close now. xxx