We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
LIG, my sister told me about that show, but I haven’t seen it. Is it good? Is the protaganist a “true” P, like the ones we have? I mean, I know that his father has directed him to use his P abilities to do “good” instead of “evil” but, how true to form is that show? I mean, we know P’s hate authority and we know that they are child like and predicatable for those of us who know what they are. So, how does he have “super-powers”?
I have to watch this show, what time/date is it on and which channel?
It’s been 15 months of NC for me and I still have recurring knee-jerk reactions from those events that are preventing me from having a total normal relationship without feeling I’m going to wind up hurt again. I’ve been out on many dates and hooked up with a great guy for 8 months and I panicked and became clingy. ..even though we did take things slow. I should have opened more to him about the past but I was embarassed and ashamed to admit to him what I allowed a sociopath to take me for my money, a car and almost my home. I didn’t want to show him I was vunerable and weak.
We split up over a month ago and I explained that I’m working on overcoming the past events in my life that causes me to be insecure. I’m really working on me. I hope he will come back into my life. We are emailing and texting now everyday and plan to meet up in the near future.
I find that Reiki massages are good therapy, reading, etc. but like the rest of you, miss the intimacy of the physical embrace with someone you love.
Henry: Get back out there. I know it’s hard. It was hard for me at first too but I pushed myself out that door thinking I had nothing to lose. I was down-trodden when I first started dating again. Didn’t know who I was. Had no clue what to wear, etc. I joined match.com and none of my dates were bad ones. Some were just for one night dates of talk and I had no chemistry with but it felt great. All these guys asked for a second date and then it was my choice who I wanted to see. You’ll be surprised! Just do it!! Match.com also has guys looking for guys… You can see if they have jobs and what they do for a living, etc.
Skylar:
You crack me up with the friends with benefits thing. Take is slow girl. Let it build up. Keep us posted.
JAH,
I’m trying to go NC but my brain won’t let me.
I have video equipment but my skills are very poor, in my opinion so I should be spending more time reading and practicing with my equipment, but I can’t concentrate. all the equipment was stuff I bought for my xP because he demanded it. When I left I took it. Now when I’m trying to learn video skills, I think: what would the P do? so fricken sad. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I have an ingrained habit of thinking: what would the P do/think/say? He was my other half for 25 years. this sucks so much.
He really did seem to have the world as his oyster. Now I know that he really didn’t, that it was all an act. So between working out ways to destroy his self-image and feeling sorry for him, I just don’t have the brain capacity for anything else!
Hi WonderWoman:
How’s it going?
Well, I’m not a prude or even old fashioned or anything. But I do understand that sex can have a positive or a negative effect on your psyche and I don’t want to make things worse than they are. When I was a teenager, I had many friends with benefits -probably due to lack of boundaries and parental emotional abuse. Nothing bothered me, (I thought). 25 years later, I’m not that person anymore, I don’t want to end up feeling worse than I do now. But then, I don’t want to bury myself in fear either. It’s hard to judge the future.
skylar: i thought ‘dexter’ was pretty good. he said and did a lot of P things; but unlike real P’s perhaps, he has a window into how sick he is. at one point he looks in to an empty box and says, ”just like me. completely empty.” he is capable of having a relationship with a woman without being harsh with her because ”she’s the only woman i know who is as damaged as me.” he is capable of honing in on people’s motives and weaknesses with P-like accuracy. he’s fairly anti-social; keeps to himself. because of his upbringing with a father who was a cop and saw his p tendencies when he was a boy, he was mentored into releasing his negative P energy (he has a penchant for blood — he’s a forensic blood spatter expert for the PD) only on those whose death would benefit the greater good. it’s a pretty interesting premise, and the voice-over style (dexter’s unspoken observations and thoughts) does give a pretty interesting look into a mind that has no conscience.
i got it on netflix … i don’t have cable. watched the first season. it definitely held my interest, and had me chuckling and being incensed at the same time.
Oh Hi Sky Kent:
Just sitting home on a rainy Saturday night. LIG and I are from the Northeast and it’s cold. I’m missing my ex..not the Sociopath…the good guy green eyes. We’ve been texting and emailing today so maybe we’ll hook up again. So glad to see you have a new love interest. It’s nice to have a warm body for the winter..lol! Just that everytime I try a new relationship, the Sociopath events cause me to be insecure and let me tell you…the guys smell it a mile away. I still have shuddering memories of the ex-Soc. He was so verbally, physically and emotionally abusive. I wonder why God allows these evil entities to walk amongst us. Wouldn’t it be a wonderful world if we didn’t have to wonder who is a good person and who is a bad person? Couldn’t God put a visible mark on evil people…like maybe a big green “X” on their foreheads? Life would be so much easier.
LIG:
I don’t have cable and don’t watch regular TV. I’d like to watch Dexter…I heard about the show. Does Netflix cost any money?
I think I must be really f–kedup. The creep was only here 3 years, adding the two years I knew him before that plus 18 months no contact makes 6 years this non human thing has been in my head. I have had lot’s of people in and out of my life and I have no left over energy in my head from them. Even my N mother does not camp in my head the way he does. I dont want the user back – not at all – I just want him to go away – leave me alone – let me be.
Hi Henry,
You need an outlet….a diversion. The creep still has control of your life as long as he’s in your mind. I know it’s not easy. I’m telling you I like the Reiki massages because they are free and healing hands touch you and you can release your mind from everything during it. I also volunteered to help in the community. I am scheduled to rake leaves for the elderly in November and looking into volunteering at the animal shelter where they need people to walk dogs and to play with them. And don’t forget to sign up for match.com.
Henry,
Did you ever think of moving? Maybe being in new surroundings other than being in the home that reminds you of him may be the change you need. I know the housing market isn’t the greatest right now but just a thought.
Hi I wonder I know you are right. And I do have a fairly active life, work , family etc. And my oh my how I have learned so much about me during this Life Lesson – good and bad..I am so embarrassed that Mike occupies my mind so. This is the only place I can vent..thanks all.