We recently received the following letter that expresses very well what many victims tell us they feel. Although I have written on this subject before, this week I would like to share new insights on healing and recovery.
I spent two years in a relationship with an antisocial psychopath. In the last four months, since I last saw him, I have built a new life, I get on with my life, I am successful in my job, I am a good mother, I am comfortable in my own skin, and, for the first time in my life, am content to live a single life.
This sounds like a success story, but in every minute that my mind is not occupied by the routine of daily life, I am totally consumed by thoughts of my “ex”. Most of these thoughts revolve around the things he did and said. As we all know – the words and actions of these people are almost always opposite. After all, someone who “loves you more than anything……wants to be with you more than anything…….wants to marry you….is 100% committed to buying a house with you”, doesn’t hit you, trip you up, get on top of you with is hands round your neck, spit on you, and leave you to pay $4,000 a month for a house you moved into a month before (just to mention a few of the nightmare scenarios).
I need help with two things in particular:
– Every morning now, for over a year (since he left me paying for the house, a day after my dad died and my ex said, “you should be glad he’s dead”), I have woken up, and the very first thing that enters my mind is him. I am totally emotionally exhausted. I dread going to sleep at night. How can I stop this? It is worse, in some ways, than the abuse itself. I have considered going to a hypnotherapist, but am scared that, like medication, there could be “side-effects”. What should I do?
– My ex and I had an amazing sex life. I know this is common with psychopaths, and losing this I can live with. What I can’t live with is remembering how we were together in bed, in a very deep emotional way. We could lie there for hours, just stroking each other, massaging each other, “grooming” each other. When we fell asleep we would move through our three positions every night, all the time touching and stroking until we fell asleep. I can’t get that out of my head, and I miss it so much. I can read over and over again that, “it wasn’t real”, but it doesn’t remove the fact that it happened, and the feeling was real. How do I disconnect that amazing feeling from the person who gave it to me?
I really need help. Being so completely unable to control my thoughts is killing me, and though I can keep thoughts of him out of my mind when I’m totally busy, I can’t be busy all the time as I’d be exhausted!
I hope you have some insight, and thank you for your help.
First let’s repeat the basics. You cannot heal mentally without also addressing your physical health. Our friend is wise to be concerned about her state of exhaustion. It is important to eat healthy foods and get 30 minutes of moderate exercise a day. Also consider taking a daily multivitamin with minerals like calcium. Please limit alcohol and do not use street drugs.
It is very common for victims to respond to the financial and other life stress by feeling like they have to be energized and vigilant. This feeling that we have to be “on alert” is magnified by what our friend describes in her letter. The minute we slow down, we experience “the thoughts.” In fact, hypervigilance is noted to be a symptom of PTSD.
For many victims the hypervigilance comes naturally at first due to stress hormones. But, since this feeling of energy and alertness becomes a habit, victims want to maintain it. To do so over the long run they turn to caffeine.
Excessive consumption of caffeine (more than about 120mg/day) leads to insomnia, anxiety and depression. It is not difficult to overconsume caffeine since a Starbucks’ Grande has over 300mg.*
Many victims are afraid to cut down on the caffeine because they fear that if they are not super-alert they can’t keep going, and the thoughts will come back. Victims are also afraid to fall asleep because they fear being attacked in the night.
So how do you end the vicious cycle? How do you stop wanting to be on alert? First, you have to convince yourself that it is necessary to slow down and you have to have a means of coping with your fear/anxiety. Acceptance is an important ingredient here. Unfortunately, we have to accept that we are going to feel pain, fear and anxiety. That is a normal and even necessary part of this process. We often spend too much energy trying to fight the pain, fear and anxiety. A good therapist will tell you that tolerating these is an important part of recovery.
It is OK to let yourself feel it. I can say that to you because I say it to myself.
Apart from tolerance, coping by using relaxation techniques, exercise, psychotherapy and friendship is important. I recommend Stress Management for Dummies. I use that book to teach therapy students about stress management. Everything you need to know is in there and it is an inexpensive book.
About sleep- if you don’t sleep well you will be too tired to heal and you will be even more likely to need caffeine. Please discuss these alternatives with your physician, but I will mention two over-the-counter sleep aids that are considered safe in the short term that is why you can get them without a prescription. I believe Melatonin is the best option because of few side effects. Diphenhydramine is another option found in over-the-counter sleep aids. Be aware that this medicine causes weird anxiety reactions in some people and can cause you to want to eat at night. Since it dries out your mouth, it can also be bad for your teeth if you don’t brush well before bed.
Now I will specifically address the good and bad memories. In many experiments researchers have shown that good and bad memories are part of separate brain circuits. When people are in a good mood they have better access to “good memories.” When they are in a bad mood they have better access to “bad memories.” That is why the more you fight the pain and the fear, the more you will only remember the good part of that sociopath you were involved with. The good experiences you had with him/her are stored in a different brain circuit from the bad experiences you had.
The more you tolerate the pain, the more integrated your recollections will be because you will have emotional access to both the good and the bad at the same time. It is best not to try to over-control your thoughts, let them flow. Manage the pain and anxiety with relaxation techniques.
I also officially give you permission to enjoy the good memories you have. Those memories don’t have to cause you to try to go back. They are there as a record of your very real life experiences. The fact that you may have enjoyed some of the time you spent with a sociopath is O.K. and doesn’t mean you are a bad or stupid person.
Having said all this, it can take many years to get beyond all these symptoms. 4 months is a very short period of time, though it seems like an eternity when you are suffering. I am glad to see our friend is fighting, questioning and seeking. As for many of us, the well being of a child will be enhanced by her healing.
Please know that your children are aware of and observe your struggles. How you handle memories, pain/fear and anxiety can set a good example for them.
Everyone,
there is an asian guy in LA who wrote a book called Esoteric acupuncture. He has a clinic there. From what I’ve read, it seems like this could be a key to getting us back to normal. He developed his theories which join chakra alignment with acupuncture. I wish I was in LA and could afford it. so far I can only afford community acupuncture and it really does stabilize my emotions. If any of you are out there, check it out.
Henry,
There aer people who love you. There are people that you love (your family.) Thank God I also have my family. I have 4 sisters…3 of whom I am close to and can say anything to, also my mom and dad to talk to and a very nice neighbor. And this blog site. Let me tell you a personal story about me. Long, long ago I was married. It was a 10 year relationship that fell apart. He wasn’t a S but not a very nice person so I left. Do you know I stayed alone/celibate for an entire 5 years??? My choice. I wanted to be my own person again and make sure I was capable and ready for a relationship. So, looking back, I think, Geez, why did I wait 5 years? Was it really necessary? “Time” is only in our heads. After the Sociopath split I knew I would never go back so I only took out 8 months healing time before re-connecting with people.
Skylar,
I looked it up and there is a place in Jersey but I can’t afford that. Did you try a Reiki massage? It’s free. The massages focus on the chakras.
Iwonder – I dont think that would help – he really doesnt occupy my home at all anymore, I had it long before he came and have pretty much removed all triggers, inside and out. I will be ok soon, if I concider where I was a year ago and where I am now, then I know a year from now he will be gone, I have every anticpation that I will someday be free of this “mind virus’ – thanxs tho guess I am having another pity party for one – it is good to see you Iwonder you sound so very good…I am volunteering at a Thankgiving Dinner for the homeless and needy – HOMELESS AND NEEDY!!!! OH MY hope I dont bring them all home with me…i seem to have a thing about the homeless and needy…
Henry – That is so funny!! Don’t invite all the homeless to your home…they may never leave! LOL! And you are right, we are both in a better place today than last year. I remember all the pain we were feeling last year. The reason I mentioned the match dating site is because you can see what kind of job the guys have and if they are looking for a long term relationship or just to date once in awhile. Check it out! Also, I should suggest to get some books on meditation that help to focus on the positive.
Hi everyone,
I’ve been busy dealing with a pending foreclosure and playing chicken with Citimortgage, which is about the most sociopathic organization I have every experienced. I am risking ruining my credit for a shot at some decent terms on my mortgage and an incentive to stay in my little condo. Wish me luck on this. I’m pretty scared, but if I don’t do something different, I will still be stuck in the same situation in 5 years.
Henry,
You are not f**cked up and it makes me sad for you to say that about yourself. You are a sweetheart with a heart of gold. You have your issues like everyone does but you deserve to be happy. I agree that you should get back out there and be around people. But it seems there aren’t many venues there except the clubs. Those usually involve drinking, alcoholics, and sociopaths. Aren’t there any other organizations you can join? I am taking the test for Mensa in a few weeks. If I pass the test I will have a new social group who can at least maybe challenge me at Scrabble, if nothing else. This is a start for me. But there are so many different ways to get out there and meet people. Just people, not necessarily romantic interests. Regular friends who have friends that they could introduce you to. I went to a free financial workshop a few weeks ago. I made a new female friend there that I’ve been hanging out with. It’s been really nice. I had a neighbor down visiting for several hours today. I’m starting to feel like I actually have a life. I don’t have any really deep or extremely close friendships. This is something I need to work at. But I’ve been very social, which is good for me.
Skylar, friends with benefits are highly overrated IMO. I tried that with my young friend from SF. It turned out to be very bittersweet. I think as long as you have no illusions going in, it can be great. But I get the feeling that you want something more than that, as I did, and then you will get hurt. I have no regrets–I took a risk. But I learned a very important lesson–what I want and what I don’t want. Watching a guy pull away emotionally after sex is really NOT what I want. It hurts, and it is just unfulfilling.
Wonder woman, I hope you give yourself all the time and space you need to heal. If green eyes is a real friend, he will be supportive of that, but you have to know to ask for it and not put your fears and insecurities on him. I don’t think it’s a problem having some fears and insecurities in a relationship but it’s hard (at least for me) to know which men can handle it and won’t run away. I sometimes go for the non-committal types, like the young guy, and then I get hurt. I feel bad for being insecure. But it’s just part of life. None of us are perfect. The important thing is that we recognize it and are trying to work through it. I beat myself up for a long time for showing fear and insecurity to the boy. In retrospect I realized it really doesn’t much matter because he was not someone I could get involved with anyway. Age difference aside, he was not looking for a committed relationship, and he was quite upfront about that. Anyway, I’m rambling, and I’m sorry. But I don’t think it’s a bad idea to deliberately swear off dating for a while and just work on yourself. In fact, when I was doing that, I actually felt empowered telling men that. I still tell them that I am more interested in developing friendships than “dating”. I just cannot put the cart before the horse. If you are getting involved with someone before becoming friends, it’s probably based on chemistry. And that gets people in trouble sometimes.
Hi Superstar!
Geez you are up late too. Nah, green eyes is a commitment guy. He knows I’m working on me right now trying to overcome the past. I’m even surprised we’ve been emailing and texting. I’m going to leave him be for awhile and work on me. But we are going to hook up in the future…that’s a guarantee. We are planning something a few weeks from now. And I’ve been off the dating site and also told 2 different guys this week I am not interested in dating anyone right now so I’m on the right track.
Oh Star, I’m also alone in the small condo and have been looking for work for 3 months and am past due on my mortgage which I will catch up on next week but I don’t know how much longer this can go on without a job. I have some irons in the fire and hopefully I’ll have good news next week. Thank God my sisters have been wiring me money to help with the bills so my credit doesn’t get too bad.
I guess it was reading the topic on this thread that got me too thinking too much tonite. Hi Star it is good too see some of my friends from the past on here tonite, we have all progressed so much. I have always been kind of a loner, a homebody, and had really become content with that before the imposter took over my life. There are aspects of what he pretended to be that I enjoyed and miss. But they are becoming less and less..I guess I could get me one of them blow up dolls – it would prolly have more to talk about than the X ever did anywho..
Henry, I’m homeless and needy. See you at thanksgiving! 🙂
Star, how’s it going?
I really don’t know what I want. Or at least, I’m not sure I would recognize it. He has to be very intelligent (BTW, cool that you are taking the Mensa test – that might be just the place to find your soul mate!), good enough looking or at least in shape, and I guess he has to be good with conversation. I would love it if there was really good chemistry, but I haven’t quite gotten that far yet.
This friend is so cool that he lets me talk about the P and listens. I don’t really have to worry about him hurting my feelings. He seems to be everything perfect, but it’s really me that’s not perfect. Too much P-baggage. But I’m going to try my hardest to move on and just offer him the emotions that I have. Most guys don’t really have a problem with superficial relationships so it should work out.
talking to the X was like hearing an echo – does that make any sense?