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By | April 13, 2015 50 Comments

How long does it take to recover from a sociopath?

Woman-in-depression-300x200Most of you who come to Lovefraud are here because you suspect, or have concluded, that your partner is a sociopath.

You are shocked, traumatized, betrayed, disappointed, angry.

You may know, on an intellectual level, that you need to end the relationship, but you may find it hard to take the steps to do it.

Or, you have already ended the relationship and are working to maintain No Contact with the individual, even as he or she pleads, cries or threatens, trying to draw you back into the web.

Whatever your circumstances, you feel terrible. Your emotions range from grief to sadness to disappointment to fear to anger to hatred. Internally, you’re a churning hot mess, and you want an answer to the question:

How long am I going to feel like this?

Recovery from any breakup is hard

Any time a relationship ends, recovery can be painful and difficult. You feel bad, and you don’t want to feel bad.

Jennifer Kromberg, PsyD, wrote a short article on PsychologyToday.com identifying five fallacies that people often believe after a relationship has ended. They are:

  • Myth #1: If the breakup was for the best, you shouldn’t be sad
  • Myth #2: If your ex was a jerk, you won’t miss him
  • Myth #3: If you miss him, it means you should be together
  • Myth #4: You need to stop being sad and get over it
  • Myth #5: Getting over it will happen quickly

The psychologist explains why these ideas are not true. Please read what she says:

5 myths of recovery after your break up, on PsychologyToday.com.

Now, consider this: The psychologist is addressing relationship breakups involving normal people, not sociopaths. If you’ve been involved with a sociopath, the situation is magnified.

The mega-relationship with a sociopath

Everything about being romantically involved with a sociopath is more intense. You’ve probably experienced many of the following:

  • Relentless pursuit the sociopath was amazingly persistent in trying to get something going with you.
  • Love bombing the sociopath showered you with affection and attention, quickly proclaiming his or her love.
  • Making your dreams come true the sociopath promised everything you wanted, and painted a glistening picture of your lives together.
  • 24/7 contact he or she always wanted to know where you were and what you were doing. You believed he or she was totally smitten with you.
  • Soul mate you have so much in common that the sociopath seemed to be exactly the person you’ve been waiting for all your life.
  • Unbelievable sex Your physical relationship was the best you’ve ever had, at least in the beginning.
  • Pity play the sociopath said or did things to make you feel sorry for him or her.
  • Sleep deprivation the sociopath never slept, and wanted you to be awake too. Sleep deprivation made you more susceptible to the sociopath.
  • Financial exploitation the sociopath convinced you to give money or pay expenses, to the point where your financial situation is jeopardized.
  • Fear and anxiety the sociopath did things that made you feel afraid and anxious. He or she may have threatened to leave the relationship or even cause you harm.

Experiences like these, both positive and negative, make your involvement with the sociopath into a mega-relationship. Compared to other people you’ve been with, the highs are so much higher and the lows are so much lower.

What does this mean when you break up? There is more to recover from.

Links to other painful experiences

Sociopaths hook us by targeting our vulnerabilities. They ask questions to find out where we’ve been hurt and disappointed in life, and then promise to make the pain go away.

This isn’t what happens, of course. Sociopaths create more pain.

But there is a gift buried in the experience of a relationship with a sociopath, and here it is:

The relationship with the sociopath is so awful, and the breakup so painful, that you can no longer ignore previous betrayals that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place.

Recovering from the relationship with the sociopath is an opportunity for total recovery. It is a time when all those buried emotional disappointments burst into your awareness whether you like it or not.

You are presented with the chance to release not only your feelings about what the sociopath did, but your feelings about other people and events in your past as well. By working through all of the emotion, you can become truly healthy, and never susceptible to a sociopath again.

Take all the time you need

So, how long will your recovery take? As the psychologist stated in the article, it will take as long as it takes.

And given that ending it with a sociopath is not a normal breakup, recovery will probably take more time than if you’d been involved with someone who wasn’t disordered.

You will feel bad for awhile. It’s just something you’ll need to slog through.

So be tender and compassionate towards yourself. Know that you are doing a lot of work towards your personal growth.

To help the process along, allow yourself to experience moments of joy wherever you can find them. Do anything that makes you happy, from taking a walk in the park to watching a good movie to treating yourself to a giant chocolate chip cookie.

You may feel like you’re in a dark place now, but I promise you that it will get better. Hang in there. Believe in yourself. Take this time to work on your complete recovery, and eventually your life will become more than you have ever imagined it could be.

 

 

 


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Jan7

Another EXCELLENT article Donna!

I think the myths too that “marriage is hard work” or “you have to work on your relationship” also factor into why it is so hard to leave. Even though I did not want to stay married to my ex after the first 6 months of marriage I stayed 12 years because I heard the saying “marriage is hard work” throughout my life.

Well I have come to the conclusion now that no if you are with the right person who will be respectful to the marriage, marriage is not hard work. With a sociopath it’s hard work that will always be a one side giving relationship (you always giving) which is why it is hard work. A marriage or relationship will NEVER work with a sociopath EVER no matter how hard you try and how long you stay. It’s doomed from the second they say “Hello” no matter who they say hello to.

Picking up the pieces...

Thanx again Donna for a uplifting, and heart-warming article!
And thanx also for all the other interresting comments by all others!
Each and everyone of them had something that I recognized.

I also thing that the “good upbringing” that many mentioned here, and I also excused my “wife” with too many times, “that marriage has to be worked on”; can be very harmful in these cases, since as somebody said; If you do all the working and sweating, while the other part is only busy trying to create new dramas; for you and your family members to participate in, while she herself walks away a laughing victor; it leads nowhere but down. (And makes you exhausted).

My wife (who stole all our money, kidnapped our baby daughter and moved to the other side of the world, where she secretly had built up her own palace behind my back, with the money that I had worked hard for for our family), many times threatened me with “running away just like that, not caring about anything left behind”, but of course I only took it as something you say when you are angry, and not believing that she really meant it!
With my last savings I ordered the tickets for her and my baby to go home for vacation to meet friends and family (I even had to buy gas to my car on credit to get home from work), and then she just let me know, that she now has a good life over there, and don´t like to come back.

She left her own (traumatized) teenage daughter here alone, for me to take care of also, best I can.
She is a intelligent girl and talented at school, but sometimes she just lose all her motivation for life and everything and feels depressed (just like me).
We try to support one another – best we can; and it is a true blessing that we have each other!
But just as she starts to feel balanced again with herself; the “mother” contacts her to pull her (or/and me) down again into desparation…

I really felt strongly about reading that some of you also have felt that: “I hated myself”, because that is what these “people” are experts in doing; making you feel awful and guilty!
In my 46 year old life (that has otherwise been very rich and good), I have NEVER hated myself, or felt disqusted with myself before, so this is a really weird and highly unpleasant experience.

Thanx again for the good article and all your comments! It really warms to have this communication with this new family of “fellow victims” that we all have become!

Stay stong, bless you all; and don´t take any wooden hostages!

rgc112063

Id say a good marriage is work but maybe not hard work. at least, when one works on it one should expect to make some progress. if no progress id be inclined to wonder. a lot.

NoMoreWool

I would be more inclined to say marriage is mutual work. If only one person is working on the marriage then it is probably doomed.

rgc112063

there ya go ! yup.

Remembertoforget

Great article. So important to understand the healing process after these relationships.
🙂

Kataroux

This was such a wonderful, truthful article. I went through all of it when I was with my ex-boyfriend. It took so long to get him out of my life because “I felt bad” that he didn’t have anywhere else to go and was living with me. He made me feel like I was going to throw him out into the unknown. Well, when I finally had enough of his crap and was able to see him for what he is, that is exactly what I did – threw him out into the unknown. Or so I thought! He immediately had a new girlfriend, in less than a month she was pregnant and within six months they were married.

Now I am being sued and forced to file bankruptcy because he did not continue to make payments on the vehicle I co-signed for him before our breakup and because I have a job they want all the money from me.

However, I have not spoken to him since September 24, 2013 and my life has been so much better. The best decision I ever made was kicking him out and regaining control of my life. Now I will admit that I get lonely at times and there are moments that I hate being by myself but I wouldn’t go back to that way of life to save mine. I have learned that I deserve to be happy and that if I find a man to be in my life he will have to appreciate me as much as I appreciate him. I will never again allow someone to make me feel worthless – I am priceless!

Delores

She forgot three of the most important traits, perpetual lies, being Jekyll and Hyde and gaslighting. Those are the things that destroy our being and keep us trapped in cognitive dissonance. Those are the things no one else can see too.

still reeling

Good article. “Sociopaths hook us by targeting our vulnerabilities.” That statement always makes me cringe as I picture myself confiding in this monster not realizing he was only listening for buzzwords that might help him obtain his goals, which may or may not have had anything to do with me! Yet, there I was allowing him to treat me like a yo-yo, knowing his behavior was insane but just not understanding how anything but love would allow him to put everything he had and was in jeopardy. How did he know I wouldn’t go to his wife, his boss, my friends, my husband? I was *CERTAIN* that he had to be absolutely smitten with me to put all this at stake! All those emotions and endorphins and excitement. It was my last chance for the real deal, the kind of serene and peaceful but special love I’d always hoped to find. I was OK with whatever type of arrangement was possible as long as I could be around someone who cared so much, thought I was so special that he’d put himself in a position to “lose it all,” words he used to describe what was happening to him once he got his a** caught for doing G-d knows what. Certainly nothing with me. I wasn’t a priority, just someone he kept on the string…..just in case.

I agree that those of us who have had experiences with paths can use it as a betrayal-buster and a way to recover from past hurts. As well, I have become uber-sensitive to the people I meet now. If I see even a pink flag, I pay attention. Red flags and I don’t go there. This applies to employers, friends, neighbors, you name it. I’m not paranoid but I am cautious. I don’t have time for people who are not transparent or display devious or suspicious behaviors. Is this a gift? I suppose yes, it can be, however, I find myself wondering about even those who are closest to me and that is one scary deal.

I don’t like that I was played and that’s because I knew better. I let my neediness overtake my sensibilities.

Remembertoforget

Stillreeling,
I’m with you. Couldn’t agree more. I have since re-evaluated almost everyone around and in my life. My eyes are wide open from here on out.

still reeling

It’s tough to live like that, remember, but I hear you. It marks you, and anyone who has lived through a life-changing experience is going to react in one way or another forever. I think time will help as far as reacting as often and as strongly. I’m also quite sure that some individuals from my past have “pathic” tendencies, might even be full blown paths. Certainly does not surprise me though. Learning about this disease has taught me a lot about myself.
Be well.

bulletproof

still reeling

confiding in the monster has me cringing everytime I get a flashback of those ‘special’ moments and then beside that is the horror of being robbed, screwed over, lied to and fooled 100 percent screwed over by what I thought was love of my life, not even a human being with a shred of remorse or decency in his soul (do psychopath’s have a soul?- there’s another article that needs to be explored!!)

I still live out of cringe mode wincing with each exposure flashback of me being taken for a ride. I also come from a family who believes if you are robbed, raped or probably murdered it was your own fault. That’s what you get for being stupid. If you end up rich and with a ‘good’ man then you get alot of credit for being smart, like my sister.

Pink flags!! yes, that’s even better as long as it’s not hyper vigilance by product of PTSD which is the mode I’m in…anything that strikes me even as fake…I won’t stay

I also let my neediness take over my sensibilities and it’s so human to need. I hope I can start viewing my needs in a fresh light, I guess starting with the need for acceptance and compassion for all of us. No more judgment…all I did was humanly need a loving man and I trusted him with my heart. CRINGE!! hey there’s alot of cringing to be done.

still reeling

I’m sorry bulletproof, sorry for the pain you’ve been through and the cringing, neither of which you deserve. Your family’s antiquated and nasty attitude towards being victimized is pathetic and surely influenced your vulnerable reaction to the path in your life. Parents don’t realize what they do to their kids. I truly believe they don’t think their behaviors affect their children’s self-concept, esteem, inner strength.

A path breeds on neediness, like maggots on meat. Sorry to be vile and graphic but that’s the way I feel they are. You came by your neediness honestly but it’s difficult to believe that. Your parents blamed you and you blame yourself. It’s a cycle you have to break. Self-love. Find it. Once you get there, the rest will fall into place.
Try to be kind to yourself and hopefully you’ve worked or are working with someone on your parents and their effect on your self-concept.

rgc112063

reeling,
my wife got herself entangled with an “old friend” who ended up baiting her into a 20 month affair. then he paraded it in my face when she wouldn’t leave me. she finally wrenched herself out of it but I feel damage remains. do I understand you had a husband while you got taken? how’d he take that? I went through a ton of therapy and study here in order to realize she wasn’t crazy. Im just interested in how that turned out for you. we’re still together and we’re slowly healing.

sincerely
RGC

still reeling

rgc,
I’m so sorry this happened to your wife and to you. You’re a stand-up and loving man to care enough to research, study and get therapy to save your marriage. You also sound like a trusting and mature guy who wants to understand what happened rather than lashing out and blaming your wife.
I think you attitude is rare and commendable. It definitely sounds like your wife was caught up in the spell of a path.
He sounds like a real winner, definitely a real mature dude, trying to taunt you because you’re wife wouldn’t leave you.

Yes I’m married but doesn’t sound like my marriage is as strong as yours. My husband is a very decent man, but neither of us is really cut out for marriage, at least not to each other. I never had a full-blown affair with the path, but I was so taken with him, my emotionally withdrawn husband even commented that I seemed like I was in another world and he felt completely left out of it. Strangely enough, he didn’t seem upset when he said that. It was very much out of character for him to even notice, let alone admit something like that.

I know my husband knew the path called the house a few times but he never said anything about it. He also saw my email by mistake once or twice and there were 5 or 6 emails there in a row from the path. Because we had a working relationship, he wasn’t suspicious. I know he knew something was going on because he did make a few offhand comments about how close we seemed to be but once again, he seemed very lighthearted about it. One time, he told me I should be “ashamed of myself.” I still don’t know what he was referring to. Maybe he read an email but they were very tame and nothing heavy or sexual. I asked him why he said that and he just turned off like a faucet and I let it go.

A few months after it was over, I found out that the path had gotten in trouble with the law. I told my husband about it and he looked at me like I’d stuck a hot poker in his eye and said, “I DON’T KNOW WHO THE HELL YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT,” so I suppose he was and probably still is holding whatever he perceives to have happened against me. Our communication couldn’t be worse, as you can see.

I think you’re an amazing person and your wife is so very lucky. I feel guilty and blame myself every day for my part in this emotional affair. And it has changed me and the way I feel about my husband. I’m sure you’re finding some of that in your relationship as your wife works through her guilt, anger, disdain, hurt, fear and so much more. I feel for both of you as I know this has to be difficult. But sociopathy is truly a “thing” and if you’ve researched it, you know how manipulative these monsters are.

I wish you the very best.

still reeling

rcg, sorry for the punc and grammatical errors. I’m exhausted tonight and no edit function for some reason. Very embarrassing!

rgc112063

reeling,
my gal is very codependent. I call them the beautiful people. I have a daughter just like her. they both think they know what others are feeling, and, actually they are very perceptive. but, now and then they get things wrong when it comes to someone else’s feelings.
criticism. control. these are things they make large assumptions about. I have to be careful how I say things to them or they will think I am being critical or trying to control them. what I’d have liked all along is for them to control themselves.
finance. the first twenty years of our marriage, I thought my wife would spend us to death. I tried to reign it in but all she felt was control. now I realize that she might have gotten us close to the brink, but she’d have seen it on her own and changed course. I know this because recently I’ve been able to think about it, change the way I deal with it,-let her do it her way- and she indeed has figured it out.
criticism. this ones a doozy. these two beautiful girls have to find out everything the hard way. and I’m trying to let them so they don’t mistake my attempts at leading for criticism. its funny, I can be calm and cool about something and they understand what I mean and even agree, but they don’t like the way I said it.
Reeling, when my wife yanked herself out of this, she had to go sit down with his ex and his estranged sister in order to see. ya know how girls talk eh? (I actually sat in with the ex gf. and after about a dozen “He did that to me too’s”, I walked out and let them alone) it turned the corner for her but I saw her cry for hours like it wouldn’t end. I didn’t like seeing that. seeing her heart break broke mine again. but I could finally see that it was ending. bitter sweet bitter bitter.
now it feels like the shame and creepys are still there. our kiss is tentative. I know kissing is the most intimate thing two people can do. she seems to spook at things revolving around intimacy. emotional or otherwise.

gotta work
rgc

still reeling

rgc, wanted to let you know I read your comment above. Sounds like your family has some issues around control that need addressing. I’m sure you’re doing this w/the therapist. From what you’ve written, you’re backing off a little and letting your wife prove that she can be more independent than perhaps in the past. That’s all to the good.

Your description of your wife and the ex talking was tough to read, especially the part about your being there! Wow. I could not have taken that. Especially seeing her cry…..you described it well, when you said your heart broke *again*, this time for her. You have got to be under a lot of emotional pressure and once again, I hope you are seeing a good therapist just to help you decompress and regain perspective over and over for your own good. I can well imagine you could also need an outlet for anger, as that would be a perfectly natural and pervasive feeling to have right now.

As far as being intimate, the way you describe it so far…… time, forgiveness, love, letting go on her end of a fantasy that never was, therapy…all these things and more to bring it back. Take all the help you can get. Please don’t stop communicating. I don’t know how long ago she ended her indiscretion, but the aftershock, shame, guilt, etc., of any affair, with a path or not, can have a long recovery period. Wishing you all the best and know that you are surely not alone.

rgc112063

I’ve been through the affair stuff and been past that part over a year ago. took a course by Kevin Jackson called “surviving your wives affair”. that was a godsend.she dumped the spath in late 2011. that’s the hard part for her I think. she actually dumped HIM! how often do we see that. I know it must have been hard to do with that perfect image of him in her mind. I saw a lot more of this than I wanna talk about and I can thank my therapist and about 3000 hours of studying the cluster b crap for getting my sanity back. she and I are slowly beginning to have fun together again. we win. I know you all will eventually get through this. factual information is powerful. keep learning!

RGC

felix

Hi there. I’m still dealing with the fallout of a relationship with a sociopath, and because I work with her it has been exceptionally fraught. It’s simply been the worst year of my life. I went no contact three months ago, which caused her a great injury, and thus a twelve week bout of narcissistic rage ensued. I’ve been smeared and vilified in the office, harassed by her and the harem she tends, and thanks to her tales of fake woe, narrowly avoided being physically assaulted by one of her followers.

I’m still alive though. Reading through other survivor stories has been a great help, it’s been very difficult to explain to friends that this wasn’t an ordinary breakup. I’m horrified that I was once intimate with the person who is now trying to destroy me. It’s hideous.

I always thought, that people were all essentially decent, and there was good in everyone. I don’t believe this anymore, it’s impossible to adhere to it. There are some people whose behaviour can only be described as evil. No other word fits. Thank you all for you stories, and for your tenacity and desire to stay alive.

stronginthecity

Once you know…once you educate yourself and come to terms that everything they have said and done is a lie the healing begins.
I believe its different for everyone because even though I realized what was happening it still took over a year of back and forth before I can finally say I AM DONE.
I will no longer let him or anyone like him do this to me ever again.
Stroninthecity

Remembertoforget

Often I may not feel the need to read about it, only to suddenly feel the need to go back to the threads…
it’s like I start to forget, or doubt, that he is deliberately, habitually, pathologically this way.
It helps. Knowing is half the battle!

felix

Hi there Donna, Stronginthecity & Remembertoforget

It’s been the strangest and at times, bleakest year of my life, and it is only recently that I completely understood her agenda. The idea of (during the love bombing phase) someone mirroring your personality, your hopes fears and dreams, so that they can then fashion a persona to infiltrate your life….it’s obscene.

I have been very close to leaving my job because of her behaviour. It’s a great job and I wanted to put roots down, but she has smeared me and is slowly but surely isolating me from the department. And all of this post relationship evil, sprang from me saying ‘no more’. It’s crazy, that someone would actively try to destroy you, for simply saying ‘no’.

Remembertoforget

Felix,
It is so hard to wrap your head around it…
It’s hard to understand, especially since they love bombed us and put us on a pedestal, then…the evil comes out! Normal people don’t do that and it’s hard to understand. THEY play the victim, like you hurt them! Just sick!
If you are able to leave your job, it may be good to do it.
2014 is a blur for me…it’s like wtf happened!

felix

Remembertoforget

It’s the senselessness of it all that is affecting me. And also the realisation that ‘they’ are so very different. The zero empathy and no remorse, no accountability for their behaviour.

And as you say, the role reversal, abuser becomes victim, is weird and hideous, evil. That word again. No other word fits! They infiltrate your life and abuse you and then attempt to destroy you….and then blame you.

In terms of of the job, ultimately I may have to leave just to be able to put this behind me. She has a new source in the office, which has lessened her fixation on me, but it’s still there, the agenda remains.

I understand your ‘2014 was a blur’ insight all too well. 2014 was my year zero. I wonder, if life will ever truly be the same again? Thanks for your advice!

bluelight

Hi there Felix

I’m new here too. If anything stick with the threads and read the books. It helps. I’m sorry to hear about what she’s doing. I hope you find another job. It’s unfortunate all of this is happening to you. But they have their own agenda as I am slowly learning and it looks like how mentioned above I don’t think she will stop. Hang in there.

felix

Blue light

Thank you for responding. I’ve pretty much read everything I can get my hands on about Cluster B disorders, and I have read as much survivor testimony as I can. I do consider myself fortunate, I have read some truly awful stories. All I can do at the moment is look after myself, eating and sleeping properly. Gave up cigarettes yesterday, should be interesting! Thanks again

stronginthecity

Felix,
Just curious.
What are some of the other personality traits of a spath does she exhibit?
Stronginthecity

stronginthecity

Hi Felix,
Welcome to LF.
This website literally saved my life.
This is the first time that I am hearing about a female spath here, although I know they exsist.
My advice, read read and read.
I work in a corperate office too so if you love your job and dont want to leave because of her then just tr to stick it out for a month while you scout out other jobs..just in case because if the HR dept catches wind of this you may both be out.
Sorry to say that but I see it everyday. People just disappear and then I hear stories about personal drama.
Just be professional at work and keep yourself super busy so that your day flies by.
I have found that educating myself about these people has also helped me at work(I don’t work with my expath..he doesnt work, LOL..not really funny)but anyway it helps with all of the strong personalites in a corperate office. You know the I am taking over the company people!
Stronginthecity

felix

Hi Stronginthecity

She exhibited the prevalent behaviours: pathological lying, extreme manipulative behaviour, lack of accountability for anything she did, a near total desire for control over my life.

Things developed very quickly, it now looks like a frantic rush. She was living in my house within a couple of weeks of us being together, and she talked of marriage within a month. I realise now, I was in the middle of the gilded emptiness that is the idealisation phase, and figured I had met my soulmate and well these things sometimes happen. (Cringe!)

The persona she’d adopted began to fragment, and things became fraught. I began to question who exactly it was that was living in my home. I can’t explain the feeling, it was like I was constantly experiencing a low level electric shock whenever I was around her. It was like my body was yelling for me to get out, but all the initial programming of the love bombing stage was countering it. Paralysis set in, my health and work began to slump, I’d been financially supporting both of us and was almost running on empty in all aspects of life.

The devalue and eventful discard was horrific. There was a cruelty there within her, a callousness that she kept at bay that began to emerge. I’d never experienced anything like it. Lots of underhand remarks about my intelligence and fitness and how I lived, my personality in general, which was now not up to scratch. At the same time she was smearing and vilifying me to all and sundry, which of course I was unaware of. And the discard was blunt and surgical and came out of the blue.

Work has been very tough; she wanted a friends with benefits situation, and I don’t want this. She effectively wants to have me on standby, to reel in and out. I love the job, it’s very good, however because I have finally closed the door on her, it’s triggered this…rage. As you say, I may have I look elsewhere jobwise.

VictimOfFemale

Felix,

You are not alone. I, too, was a victim of a female psychopath. You said, “2014 is a blur for me….it’s like wtf happened”….

Exactly. It’s the same for me. 2015 has been a little worse, though I expect it to get better soon.

I’m 48. Attractive. In good shape…She is EXTREMELY attractive..late 30s….

I met her in summer of ’13 and saw her almost daily for the next 10 months for up to 10 minutes a day. She did a very good job of running a long-time lie by claiming she lives alone with her 3 kids and can’t make ends meet. She constantly puts out this lie on ALL her social websites attempting to lure new victims DAILY and gets a “thrill” out of it as the above article explains. She has been married to the same loser snake for 10 years after 2 previous failed marriages. She has one child with each of the three “winners”.

I was SO high on life and feeling SO good, that I didn’t have my guard up AT ALL against being so blindsided by such pure evil. We came to realize that she and I have a friend in common who happens to be a well-respected doctor in this community….(I was given the “go ahead” by this doctor even though the two of them hadn’t spent any time together since they were teens…this led to my undoing because I “went with it” and took it as an endorsement) The psychopath now KNEW she had her hooks “fully in” me.

I’ve done very well financially over the years that I decided a few years ago I wanted to buy a car for a deserving family once I met the right one. We went on “dates” to Starbucks as well as an NBA playoff game. (I spent over $700 for great seats)

She came across as a decent person (a complete fraudulent front, however). I found out too late that the 11-year-old son she often brought with her was totally manipulated by her. The two of them would tell me how the transmission in their ’04 SUV was about to go out, etc. I had mentioned that I was going to help her into a different vehicle at some point soon. She proceeded to prey on me and play me to the hilt VERY convincingly with perfectly timed and manipulatively worded texts, etc.

You guessed it. I ended up buying her a Honda sedan for over 20 grand only to find out 6 months later that the literally thousands of texts we sent back and forth were usually with her sitting right there in the same room with her snake husband. A few weeks after the car purchase, she tried to trick me into buying a similar vehicle for her teenage daughter by sending me a sappy text containing her daughter’s “sweet 16 ultimate birthday” wish. I didn’t fall for THAT. Thank God.

I helped her with $8,000 in cash during the 6 months, as well. I have consulted with 2 different attorneys and have gotten 2 completely different answers. There’s no question whatsoever that she lied for financial gain, but, the one attorney said I didn’t have a case. At least, not one that HE wanted to take.

So, long story short, I am on anti-depressants as I am suffering from PTSD as diagnosed by my physician. Thankfully, I did NOT fall in love with her AT ALL. I did, however, want to be friends with her. I probably wouldn’t be alive right now if I had fallen for her. It’s painful enough having been wadded up and thrown into a dumpster after just wanting to be friends

These people are serpents. You are NOT alone. Be strong. We can get through this.

Remembertoforget

VictimofFemale,
Wow. I am sorry you got taken in by the snake! I had to comment because my ex, we had a mutual friend also that hadn’t hung out with him since the 90’s, and she said he is amazing, so sweet! She told him the same about me. I took it for as good as gold! Wow, he must have loved that referral by her.
They are all still chatting it up on fb while I have since deleted ALL social media. He tells them all now how I dumped him, and plays his victim roll as he did to me.
Good for him then. Rope em’ in!!!
Next time i’ll run a background check.
Good thing you didn’t fall in love!!

VictimOfFemale

Thanks, Remembertoforget and flicka,

I am still furious about the whole thing. My head is still spinning. I am considering transferring out of state just to avoid any confrontations.

Do you know, I originally bought her a 10-yr-old sedan for $4,000? After a few days of driving it, she sent me a text-pic of the dash with the service engine light on (after having driven it home to her husband every night for about a week) and REALLY went to work on me with her charm and charisma to trick me into upgrading it, which I DID….to a 2013 LOADED car with bluetooth, leather and navigation.

To say the psychopath plays on a person’s good nature is an UNDERSTATEMENT. I am completely on the fence about suing her in civil court. I just could NOT accept another “win” for her. I would just “lose it”. I am in the midst of miserable PTSD as it is. I try to pass the whole thing off as “oh, well, a person is just born with the brain they’re given to work with”. That only seems to help temporarily. Then, I’m right back to being furious again.

These two snakes deserve whatever horrible things happen to them and I don’t like talking this way. My physician said that someone will DEFINITELY kill her one day. It just won’t be me.

He’s been seeing 40+ patients/day for over 40 years. He said psychopaths don’t often live much past their 50s in his experience. I try to think of ways to get back at her. I know of an outfit that will retrieve ALL of her and my texts which would make for an interesting case study of the psychopathic mind. I thought of posting several of her lying texts online without revealing her identity, at least at first (if ever). I’m not much of a facebooker, but, I’d sure like to know how to contact ALL 1000 of her “friends” to let them know what a snake she is so they can’t be taken in, also.

Man, she messed me over GOOD. Psychopaths “become” what you like in an ideal mate. She had me believing she had NO man in her life, was a frugal saver, and didn’t smoke. ALL LIES.

This psycho even stooped so low as to attend a local, VERY heavily attended, popular parade a year ago WITH MY OWN MOTHER, JUST to gain my trust EVEN MORE so I’d be “sure” to buy her that car (3 weeks later) to make it appear as though she and I had a promising future together.

My mom has been driving 20 miles out of her way about 3 times/week for the past few months JUST to bring me home-cooked meals because she KNOWS how torn up I am about the whole thing. A mother (WITH a conscience) knows. I love her for it.

I often walk around kicking little pebbles in the street, saying, why couldn’t that have been HER in that cage when ISIS set that Jordanian pilot on fire? I often fantasize that it’s her, instead.

Remembertoforget

VOF,
Did you have ptsd before engaging with her from something else? I only ask because I hear often, and with me too, I was taken in by one when I was going through other sad events andvwas depressed when I met him.
Has she tried to contact you?
Stay with your doctor… I feel like some don’t live super long lives either.
About the revenge….I understand 100%.
I fantasized about it.
Oh I wish you luck and healing from this insanity.
There is support and wisdom here.

Remembertoforget

Vof,
Looking back I believe I knew 2-3 female sociopaths in my life…
One was so covert and she hurt people. The other two were just obvious sickos to me…but that covert one, she was good, and shady!
Awful.

VictimOfFemale

No, the REALLY sad thing is, from age 14 all the way to 32, I suffered from SEVERE depression and finally saw a doc about it and managed to FULLY overcome it by about 41. I’m soon to be 49 and SHE sent me right back to my “horror days” THIS YEAR that I waited SOOOO long to overcome! (PTSD often doesn’t show up for a few months after that “special day” when realizing you have a lovely psychopath situation on your hands–that is the case with me)

No, she has NOT tried to contact me. The big “psycho realization” happened in early October (2014) when I was finally so perplexed that I googled it and it quickly sank in……I texted and argued with her a couple hours earlier. Our LAST contact of ANY kind was my text “I’d like the car back, please”

She KNOWS how badly she (THEY) messed me over. My doc said she probably won’t even remember me a year from now. She DID contact a “go-between” she worked with who we both know well, in December. She still has this former co-worker “fooled”/believing that she is “normal”. When this former co-worker told me the psycho called her to say, “ohh, he blessed us (her & the kids) soooo much….how IS he, any way?” I KNEW that was just her trying to make sure I wasn’t walking around there talking about “revenge” or planning something against her. That made me even more furious.

If you are familiar with the show Breaking Bad when Hank realizes Walt is Heisenberg, thinks back about all the time they spent together, all the hours Hank put in to find Heisenberg, then as Hank and his wife are driving back home, Hank is so overcome with anger, it sends him to the hospital in quite the dramatic scene…..Yeah, that’s similar to how I feel….Ironically, it was about the same year and a half length of time he was lied to as I was…..

VictimOfFemale

So, no, the PTSD is 100% because of HER! I was SO high on life and feeling and doing great and springing out of bed EVERY morning, that I did NOT have my guard up AT ALL against encountering such pure evil…..

She came to learn SO many things about me in the 10 months she PREYED on me BEFORE we went out on our “fake” dates….. and the fact we had the “friend in common” (going back 20 years) that I felt comfortable enough with her that I told her I was doing very well financially and could help her “make ends meet”….HUGE MISTAKE

I just don’t understand that WITHOUT a conscience, WHY wouldn’t they be “neutral” instead of using it for “evil”?

Remembertoforget

Vof,
They all should be put in jail!!
Then they can all tell fairytale stories to each other and fight with each other over food!

Remembertoforget

I’ve tried and tried and tried to undrstand it- or wrap my head around it, but I just can’t. I have a conscience!

flicka

Hey guys, I’m so sorry to hear of your heartbreaking relationships. One good fact ensues and that is that we hear from men suffering the same devastation from their sociopath females. Of course we’ve all heard they exist in both sexes but we hear from so few men…their thoughts and feelings expressed in words. Thank you and God speed to you both on your paths to healing.

flicka

She’s not worth one more moment of your agony; she’s just laughing it off. Forget her a.s.a.p.

felix

VoF

I was sorry to read your story, it does indeed sound like you have been exploited by a manipulative person, in a ruthless and callous manner. These people are…parasites they live off of others kindness, whether that be love or money.

I know it will be difficult, but you have to concentrate on yourself now, making sure you eat and sleep as well as you can. All my best wishes

VictimOfFemale

Thank you, felix.

I’ve needed to “vent” about all this. But, I hope you are doing well, also. What stage are you in with your situation? I know what you mean when you said the “discard was blunt and surgical” and I’m sorry you had to deal with that….Was that long ago?

felix

VoF

The first discard happened in Oct 14 and was brutal, 24 house previously she’d declare eternal love, and then the end game began. I didn’t know what was happening. Very callous and cruel. I was unaware of the stages of abuse, and was gas lighted into believing that I was responsible for the break down of the affair.

I knew then that this hadn’t been like any prior relationship I’d been in, so I started googling, and discovered the ‘otherworld’, that she may be a sociopath.

At the time I was consumed by black horror; in July, seven weeks after we began I knew there was something desperately wrong with her, and I was mulling over what I had gotten into and how I could get out. I didn’t even verbalise leaving her, she knew. She picked up on it and responded that she would kill herself if I left her. That episode went on for five hours, very tough and very draining. I was scared she meant it, so I stayed.

But after the discard in October, I realised the suicidal threat was just emotional blackmail, which made me feel even worse.

I went no contact, though she tried to breach it due to us working in the same company. She smeared me to people and made life miserable in the office.

Getting into to work everyday became a Herculean effort on my part. I spoke with a counsellor, who never flat out labelled my ex, but instead referred to her as disturbed. At this time I wasnt sure that my ex was a sociopath, I was still in the fog, still taking some responsibility for the failure of the relationship.

In early December she made overtures of friendship, which I now realise is the worst thing that can happen post discard with a sociopath. We talked and and said that she was considering councelling, was looking for charity work and essentially portraying herself to me as a person showing insight. A second episode of love bombing and I was back in, sort off. We’d enjoy Christmas, I said, but on 1 jan we’d sit down and discuss the craziness of the last year

The sit down didn’t materialise, she began to withdraw, and to devalue. She went missing for 24 and when I got in contact with her, she’d stayed at some guys house doing cocaine. Im pretty sure this guy was the ‘new supply’ back in Oct. I shut the door then. I told her she would never be part of my life again.

She’s tried to reel me in many times since then, and has got no response. Work has been hell, she’s smeared and vilified me to any one she can. She spent four weeks solidly trying to evoke an emotional response from me. Then she accumulated a gang, in work, and had them mob me. I consider her the most dangerous person I have ever met.

I have come to terms with what she is. She is a sociopath, I am sure of this. Normal people with a conscience, they don’t behave in this way. Normal people don’t try to destroy other people. It looks like I may have to find another job, cause even though she has a new target, she’ll never forgt that I bolted the door. They may discard you, but when you come to your senses…you eventually reject every single thing about them.

VictimOfFemale

felix,

Hope the job hunt is going well….Or, maybe she won’t be working there much longer? Mine loves to jump from job to job until she wrings out EVERY drop she can use an innocent person for, then moves on.

Yes, it’s important to know, as my doctor pointed out, psycho/socios get a “high” from the torment they cause us and the control OF us which is why we go “no contact”. Be sure to go and STAY “no contact” as I have for the last 7 months and 7 days. I don’t have ANY desire to EVER hear another word about her unless it’s her obituary.

You don’t have ANY responsibility for the “failure” of the relationship. I’m sure you fully realize that, now. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure the smearing and vilifying at work. I know just what that is like.

I did NOTHING BUT go out of my way to help this person financially and treat her with respect and she still had to lie about me for her own psychopathic amusement. She constantly posts those sappy little sayings about “honesty” on her FB page with pictures of footprints in the sand on a beach…..that will say “just be honest”…..I KNOW it gives her a “thrill” and a “high” because she KNOWS she is the POLAR opposite of it and the fact that she has 1000 “friends” who will see & believe it.

You and I can do 1000 times better. And we will.

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