Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following article from a user whom we’ll call “Fiona.”
I’m currently being discarded. He has someone else lined up already, I found that out by reading his cellphone.
I have moved towns already and he may have been sleeping with other people on and off throughout our relationship. I have found “no contact” very difficult. However, I think after my last visit back to see him, I’ve reached a stage where the absolute pointlessness of it is impossible to ignore.
I know he has never cared for me. I don’t want to tell the details of my story, but rather to point out a couple of things that I’ve found to be lifelines out of this situation. I knew it was bad from about the third day in, but I spent 14 months labouring under the delusion that he was on the verge of a big change and that he would love me as I loved him.
Keeping protected
These things helped me stay in a position where I was able to keep myself protected from the effects of his charming:
- Keep a place in your heart free from any kind of belief in anything he says. I wanted his gushing love-claims to be true, but I knew in my heart he was emotionally shallow and fickle. If you believe that he loves you — which is what you want — he has more manipulative power over you.
- Do not get pregnant. He stated repeatedly that he wanted a child with me. He says this to every woman that he manages to draw in. I am certain that he would have no qualms about using a child to try to destroy me, or about destroying a child. No offence meant to anyone who has had children with a sociopath.
- If you can, have either enough money to change tenancies, or family or other support to stay with when you need to physically remove yourself from his reach, or the temptation to stay in touch with him.
- Read sites like Lovefraud to help you recognise the person for what he is. Follow the sirens wailing in your heart — no, it’s not you being crazy, he really is hurting you that much, and he really is doing it on purpose.
- Lean on your religion or spiritual belief and don’t let go of it. This guy claimed to love God and to be a “special person” in God’s plan. He then abused my religion randomly and repeatedly. Stick with your belief.
- Don’t get involved in sexual swinging or multiple partners. If the spath you meet is anything like the one I met, he’s been there and he would be perfectly happy to drag you down any way he can, this way is fine, just as good as any other. I’m not judging this choice, but I am saying that to do these things with a sociopath is a recipe for disaster.
- Don’t get involved in drug or alcohol use with the sociopath. These people do not have a conscience and destroying you with drugs or alcohol is meaningless to them.
- The day you understand what he is, keep growing a place inside yourself that knows you will walk away one day. If at first you don’t succeed — normal. Don’t give up on your ability to do this.
Step by step
Nothing new in any of this, I know. But this is how I managed to extricate myself, step by step, from someone I had fallen in love with, who I desperately hoped and wished would do the same once his “wounds were healed,” but who, in reality, has probably always hated me. Certainly, he couldn’t care less about me if he tried.
And, tell yourself until you start to believe it that he is not capable of loving anyone. It isn’t just you, he will do the same thing again and he has done the same thing in the past. These people are not normal and do not feel like you or I feel.
They are actors. The charm can be so astounding, you’re practically blinded by the glory. Acting and probably the high testosterone?
You want more
Praise the day you realise you want more from a sexual relationship — ie, loving, caring, sharing, togetherness. He cannot ever go to this place with you, except as an actor. This is one pathway out. Focus on that feeling and know it’s real and you are capable of so much more that is real — as are other “normal” people.
Keep yourself safe. You are the number one priority here because the person is disordered; you cannot have a caring/sharing, two-way relationship with this person. Put as much effort as you can into trusting your own mind and instincts, and emotionally and mentally preparing to stop seeing this person.
This information is probably better suited to people who have not made a formal commitment or moved in together.
Hope it helps someone out there, as this site and others like it helped me to see what was real in a very confusing and manipulative situation.
Anon.
Healing is my job
Last but not least, yes, it hurts. It hurts like hell. Why me? Why does he hate me? When he seems to genuinely like her, and her, and her? Why?
Because he’s a freak of nature, that’s why. Because hurting gives him the most pleasure anything can. Because you are normal, loving, caring, kindhearted. Because he is none of these things. Because you crossed paths. It’s not your fault. He can never heal the hurt he’s given you.
That, for me, is the hardest thing to fully realise — he will never make it better. That’s my job. Once you get out of the hurting/healing dynamic and find the courage to live with the fact that he never heals what he hurts, he just picks at it and irritates it and causes you more pain and agitation, you have taken a big step.
They neither hate you nor do they love someone else. They exploit and they don’t care about anyone. What seems to be is an illusions. All of his games will be the same with all prospects and pawns. You said, “I am currently being discarded.” Right… you are the CURRENT discard. After you, who will be next?
I also knew after the third date. I knew something was wrong but I needed to learn this lesson. If I hadn’t gone through the pain, whom would I be now?
Aloha
Hi Alohatraveler,
It’s pretty flabbergasting stuff, isn’t it. These are people for whom no other person is liked simply for who they are. There’s always a purpose, something to extract from them or a game to be played. I can’t believe I’ve seen it, to be honest. He defies every explanation of what human beings are that I’ve ever known.
There’s this question that apparently used to form part of a sociopath test, which can be used to see if people can think like a psycho/sociopath (what’s the difference?) It goes like this: A woman goes to her Grandmother’s funeral and there’s a man there that she likes. So she goes home and kills her sister. Why does she kill her sister? The answer is the guy she likes might turn up at her sister’s funeral, so she’ll get to see him again.
It’s so warped, you’ve got to laugh. It apparently was an actual question on some kind of profiling test at some stage. Nice people. Nice way to sort through the options.
I guess that’s what we do when we try to keep up with their games, try to learn to think like a psycho. Bust the game! Change the man! See the futility of your behaviour! Now, change into a nice person please, and lets start building that life together. Lol.
Alohatraveler and Suprised,
SO true. The person I (thought) I knew ran into me recently. He acted as if nothing, and I mean nothing, had ever happened between us but a friendly connection. No romance, no lies, no betrayal, no theft of money, no sexually transmitted diseases….just ‘hey, how you doin?’ Like I was a neighbor he borrowed sugar from. I didn’t respond. Just looked at him and kept on walking. I didn’t let him contaminate me with his hubris.
And, like ‘yours’ Surprised, he is VERY charismatic. I really liked that at the time, and had fallen for it in the past as well. I also, like you may be discovering about yourself, kinda liked the limelight. I looked at that during my healing process and found ways to indulge it without the psychopath involvement. I also found I was attached to dating a ‘knock out’, a looker. It made me feel more attractive. Facing that was kind of embarrassing, but it was necessary.
I knew on the first date that he was ‘off’. Instead of listening to my gut, I listened to him.
Slim
I know. I can guarantee that if I saw the spath tomorrow he would either stare at me then turn his back or pretend he hadn’t seen me – in order to hurt me, obviously (not so sure it would hurt right now) – or he’d say, hey, how are ya. With a big cheesy grin. That was something else that clued me in to his not normal emotional world, I could call him every name under the sun and more, and he’d get a bit frustrated at the most. The next five minutes it would be as if it never happened. Hello? Aren’t you a bit angry at me? Don’t you feel a bit hurt? No. I cannot hurt you. Oh, I see.
The looks thing is a bit of a minefield for me. I had a couple of too-good-looking boyfriends as a young lass, definitely needed to prove that I was attractive, but I spent most of my 20s with one person. He was cute, better looking than me, but not an Adonis. The person I really wanted to spend my life with, but couldn’t net, was an ordinary looking mortal, much like myself. But charismatic? Yes. I adored him. Adored. He was totally his own person. Kind of went through the day with one eyebrow raised and a very quizzical look on his face. Loved him. I hope his wife, who I’ve always found spectacularly boring, makes him happy. I believe she’s an excellent cook. Now I’m next door to forty. Man, doesn’t that just sneak up! Probably sound younger in posts, a bit of a peter pan, with tendency to regress when freaking out, and the spath experience will, at best, freak you out. Never was a looker, going to have to learn that most difficult of lessons for some of us, how to be comfortable in own skin. I honestly wonder if I’ll ever meet anyone again. I find so many men aggressive, sexist, demanding, dull, and arrogant. Could be the culture I live in, very sports based and pragmatic.
I just figured out that he had blacklisted my phone number on his cellphone before giving me the definitive flick. He said, I’m not getting your texts! I’m not getting your texts! And orchestrated it all so that I would be running around trying to find out what was wrong with my phone. Which I did, once. Other than that I told him it was a problem at his end. He had blacklisted me over the internet, which leaves no clue on his or your cellphone. He’s just played me like a tambourine. I can’t believe it. This is a man I took to booze rehab. A man I fed after he’d been stabbed on the street. A man who had a skin rash all over his body, which I managed to clear up with creams from the chemist. A man who, the last time I saw him, was dressed in clothes I’d bought him (charity shop) and a pair of sox that were actually my own (which I made him take off). I know it’s small beer compared to what a lot of people on this site have been through, but, you know what, it still fucking hurts like a hornets nest. I just want to drown this effing pig.
My first time posting but I’ve been reading the site for about three months. So grateful for everyone willing to share their thoughts and experiences. It has been painful and yet helpful at the same time. I’m sure you know what I mean. One day I’ll share my own story. There’s the long version spanning six years, or there’s the short version that goes, “he takes great pride and pleasure in manipulating others in whatever way will cause the most acute pain”.
I’m in what might be a permanent “discard” right now thanks to this site. I felt good about it at first, and now I can’t stop hurting. I’ve cycled through the idealize/devalue/discard circle so many times with my former spath that I’ve lost count. First week of January I finally exploded and dumped six years worth of frustration, fears, anger, uncertainty, insecurity, hurt, betrayal and general insanity on him in an e-mail. His reaction? “I think it’s time to officially close this chapter”.
Had the audacity to tell me that I needed to read what I had written and ask myself if that was good enough for me?” Then went on to tell me that instead of thinking I was some expert on other people that I should “look inward”. I replied, “looking inward is exactly what got me to this place”. The next message was “you are blocked”. That puts me on a long list of other people he has blocked. His ultimate “punishment” is banishment. He gets the last word and then he likes to gloat to others about how long it has been since he’s talked to these people. Makes him feel strong and powerful I think. He spares no one, even his only brother is going on two years blocked now.
Anyway, after years of hearing that he “wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and he doesn’t think he’ll ever get married again but oh, he really needs me in his life…needs me to help him be a better person”. So I probably don’t even need to tell you folks what he did a few weeks ago (just two months after our ending). Yep, he posted on his facebook that he’s in a relationship. Probably had been seeing her while he was with me. She’s ten years younger, fresh out of a divorce, and has three small children. It’s all I can do not to tell her all about him. But I know he’s in Prince Charming mode right now and she’s his Cinderella. I doubt she’d believe a word I’d have to say because of it. What a knife through my heart. Worse, I can imagine that he doesn’t really care about this woman either, but with the timing she was convenient to put some pain in me. I’m sure he knew I would hear about it. (I have been blocked from his facebook for some time now…the second time it was at my request actually, I didn’t want to see his activities because they always came with lies).
I really appreciate the advice under “Step by Step” in this article. For all of my spath’s obvious emotional abuse and manipulation I still struggle with obsessive thoughts and put myself in pain trying to make some sense of all of this. I am truly hurt by his new relationship, hurt right to my core and I know all he would probably do is laugh at me. No matter how many times I read about how this is who he is and nothing can change it, I’ve lived with such hope and faith that he could get better, that he really wanted to get better, and that he wanted and needed me to be with him when that miraculous day finally came…it’s so ingrained in my psyche and my heart that I don’t know how to get it out of me. I know I have codependency issues, but I’m not a stupid woman. I’ve had enough relationships in my life and have never had trouble when others ended in the past. Disappointment of course, but not like this, I feel like I died over this man. I can see how horribly wrong the whole “relationship” has been and yet if I am honest, nothing would make me happier than by some miracle he would come back and tell me that those six years actually meant something to him. That all of the heartbreak he put me through was worth the wait.
I guess I always wanted to believe that he was operating with the same capacity for emotions as the rest of us. It’s particularly unbearable to think that I am in such pain and there’s zero chance that he can conceive of what it feels like. Yet he surely takes mental pleasure in imagining my suffering. I know how vindictive he is, but always felt “safe” thinking that will never be me. I have been far to loyal and supportive and tolerant (aka enabling) for him to be so cruel. I was so wrong. I am just another puppet in his drama-filled script.
I just wish I could release myself from constantly thinking about this and reliving every episode in the past that I can now see were probably all just lies and half truths. The hardest thing to understand is why he never just let me go on one of the numerous occasions when I said, “I can’t do this anymore, you need to figure out what you want and if that’s a relationship with me, then you can let me know”. We could have parted civilly, with dignity, and without hurt. But you know the story, that’s when he wanted me most, when I had one foot out the door. He’d convince me things would get better, that he would try harder, it will be fine. The game must go on….
Thank you for letting me unload some of that. Oh there’s plenty more where that came from. I expect I’ll feel like an idiot if I ever tell the full story, his ruse was so obvious when I look back on it, you will surely wonder how I could have been so naive. But I was.
LoveLiesBleeding7,
Hi LLB7. I just wanted to say – I hear you. I hear you and others on this site will hear you. Someone is listening – you’re not alone! Also, you’re not stupid. Mine practically had “spath” written on his forehead. Believe me, no-one worth the smallest pinch of salt will judge you for having fallen hook, line and sinker for a nutjob, on this site. I wanted love and thought I’d found it. Most people want love in their life, I guess that’s part of the reason why the spaths are so good at what they do. Cruel, heartless, and very clever manipulators.
Go easy on yourself. The pain these people bring is off the richter scale.
LoveLiesBleeding 7 – welcome to Lovefraud. Everyone here absolutely understands what you are going through, because we’ve all been there.
The answer is No Contact. The longer you’re away from him, the more you will see and understand the truth of his emptiness.
Fiona – I am saving this article to read over and over. You put a lot of thought into your situation and I’m so glad you shared your insights here.
You wrote: The day you understand what he is, keep growing a place inside yourself that knows you will walk away one day. If at first you don’t succeed ”“ normal. Don’t give up on your ability to do this.
These statements are so helpful to me right now. I have spent time gathering as much information as I can. I am still in a (weird) relationship with the long-term narcissist in my life. The gaslighting and bold lies really held me down for awhile. Especially the empty promises, so many promises.
I was raised by a narcissist mother and emotionally absent father. In my early 20’s I fell for love bombing which turned into abuse. That boyfriend lasted about 4 months before he discarded me. That’s when I met the current narcissist. He felt like a kindred wounded soul and then he started all those promises of how we would build a life together. That never happened, just financial abuse of me and cheating and lies on his part.
So the piece you wrote about healing ourselves resonates with me today. You wrote: Because you are normal, loving, caring, kindhearted. Because he is none of these things. Because you crossed paths. It’s not your fault. He can never heal the hurt he’s given you.
You have given me the courage to believe that if I keep taking baby steps in the right direction, I will get free. It won’t be a dramatic bold move like in the movies, but I am determined to keep moving and I know that I will walk away someday.
Hugs to you and thank you so much.
Cinna,
I post here as “surprised”. I’m glad you found something in my experience useful. I shared what I could in the hope that it would also resonate with someone else’s situation. I’m sorry for you that you are going through this! It’s horrible as hell and when you’re still in contact with the person they still have your head in a blender, so not nice at all. It’s a good site, good place to come and sort through what you’re experiencing.
Best of luck to you.
Surprised.
Great article!!!
Rtf,
Thanks! I honestly feel so much more steady than I did when I wrote that, they really, really mess with you. It was like being in survival mode, or being emotionally terrorised.
Two things you’ve said that have made a lot of sense to me, acceptance – this is really powerful. And thinking about the peace that I experience without him, especially when I’ve got the rose coloured glasses of hope on and am thinking about all the “good times”.
By which I mean, when I’m thinking of the good times, I also think about the crap times, to remind myself that peace was not a big part of the whole experience.
S,
We were, without a doubt, emotionally terrorized!
So glad you feel more steady now…
Progress not perfection, or baby steps rather.
🙂
Och, he has called. Second time, actually. Last time I gave him a blasting, this time, was it a chat for three minutes? He’s calling again tomorrow with the results of his STD test, apparently. That’s very caring, isn’t it!
After I got off the phone from him, I felt all glowy, for a moment. I have definitely been missing the sex.
Someone posted on another thread about how immature they are. I guess that that is ultimately true. I also think that it’s the part of me that would love to just drop out of society, that finds the grind of adulthood a bit of a drag, an unrewarding drag, that responds to him with quite a lot of delight – when he’s not being abusive. That feeling decreases constantly though, as I’m forced to deal with more and more of his shit, and the good times wane. Also, some of his garbage is beyond the pale to me and I could barely face that it existed in him at all, let alone “deal” with it. It was too hideous, to anti-human, too hateful, to be real. But it was real. But, then you think, did I just get my wires crossed, or?
I know I can’t go back to him. I know that. I cannot. I want more. I want to meet someone where we can face reality together, rather than run away from it into a world we would prefer – or, preferably a mix, I suppose. Many people want a degree of autonomy in life, and I am one of them.
It’s the sex, I so, so badly want to just travel to where he is and have the wicked way with each other, and somehow be protected from all the other crap, but it can’t happen like that, it never happens like that in life, besides which, I’m not a robot. I’ve given up on every other aspect of his personality, I simply don’t believe a word he says anymore. So, it is over, isn’t it. You can’t go on like that.
The sex and to be held and feel love, there were so many times when I still believed, that I felt so good with him. Now I don’t believe anymore, it’s just freakin hard that the whole thing is gone!
Ha ha, lol. What if his dick fell off? And I was stuck with him? Oh, dear. How deep is my love? I feel like the rose coloured glasses are well and truly off, so, I see him now, and if he is as he is, changing incredibly unlikely, what if he got hit by a bus tomorrow and was in a wheelchair? (sorry to anyone in this situation, I have read posts here from people who have physical disabilities). What if every day I came home from work to a guy who’s spent the day drinking and smoking grass, looking at porns or sitting on the street watching girls in school uniforms walk by? And, no sex. Who says, when I walk in the door, hey, I love you, followed by, but I hate the Pope!! Okay!
Ah, yes. I think this might be part of the reason NC works. It just starts you off again, doesn’t it? Having a tiny little chat. I want to go to Bermuda or something. How far is far enough.