By Sarah Strudwick
Sarah Strudwick, based in the UK, is author of Dark Souls—Healing and recovering from toxic relationships.
For the three years since I broke up with the psychopathic ex I have remained single. I’ve met a few wannabe boyfriends, but unfortunately they have turned out to be disordered, so I never took it past the going for a coffee stage. Like many other victims, I’ve focused on my own recovery and have even written a couple of books on it to help other women.
During the time I was dating this man, whom I call “Oliver” in the book, I was also friends with another man. We had met long before on a dating site but never consummated the relationship (i.e. had sex), and had just stayed in contact as friends. There was just something I didn’t feel comfortable with.
Every time I was single or on a breakup from the psychopathic ex, this man (We’ll call him “Lurch” for want of a better word) would miraculously appear out of nowhere and try and rekindle our friendship. In the past he declared his undying love for me, but has a long history of failed relationships with women and an even longer track record of past drug abuse.
The last time we spoke was about three years ago when he tried to rekindle the relationship. I told him to go and sort himself out and got a long email from him saying he was planning on getting off the weed, stopping drinking and was going to move overseas and become a teacher after he finished his university degree.
Apart from a brief couple of emails from him, where he bragged about this new relationship he was in and how “sorted” he was, I’ve not really heard from him and have avoided all contact. Up until now ”¦
They always turn up again like a bad penny
Just before Xmas, Lurch contacted me saying he was returning from overseas and that he had been on many temple retreats and “sorted” his head. He said he had stopped drinking and was no longer smoking pot, and had had this epiphany moment where he realised he wanted to stop being an “asshole” and a “bastard” and settle down.
I know that people can change. Despite bumping into a few disordered people over the last couple of years, there was a big part of me that didn’t want to end up as cynical old woman who thought all men were either psychopathic or had some kind of character disturbance.
Lurch is a very charming character. He’s funny, somewhat sarcastic and intelligent, but at the same time he has lots of “issues,” all of which he had promised he’d sorted out.
Lurch sent me an email saying he wanted to meet me over Xmas and New Year and start a relationship. In my efforts not to be this horrible old cynical cow, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and meet up with him, albeit it very tentatively.
The big meeting
The night before he was on the telephone saying how much he was looking forward to coming up the following day. Lurch said he had originally planned to come early. He was planning on visiting two women he had known from about 15 years earlier, and was going to spend New Year with them and a bunch of other friends.
The morning he was meant to come up I received a text message saying he wasn’t going to leave until I texted my postcode. I was surprised that he hadn’t even got in the car at this point and so I called him, apologising for not answering his text sooner. He said he would jump in the shower and be there as soon as possible.
Six hours later he finally arrived.
Red Flag One — Putting others down
He explained that he had planned on seeing this other friend, but that she had “blown him out.” That’s a British colloquial term for being stood up. He said that he was delighted that she had blown him out because it meant he didn’t have to fork out for a ton of petrol money. He also talked about another one of his ex-girlfriends saying she was crazy. He compared to having sex with another one as “shagging a wet fish.” He also talked about another girl whom he had met overseas and said “she was boring as f**k, I felt like a walking dictionary.” The final insult came when he talked about another woman saying, “She has the biggest Konk (nose) on her he has ever seen.” He described his sister as a “flying mattress.”
Red Flag Two – Stalking
I have two brothers, and I have been estranged from my eldest brother for a number of years, after having therapy and realising that he’s not so healthy. Lurch explained that he had asked my brother to build a website for him. Lurch then went onto to say that my brother managed to rip him off for thousands of pounds by building a website that was no good. I asked to see the evidence, and was surprised that he was actually telling the truth for once. I was also surprised that he had got my brother to do the site, out of the thousands of people whom he could have contacted.
He then went on to say that he had gone to “great lengths” to try and track me down, because my phone number had been changed. He also mentioned how jealous he was when I was going out with the pathological ex.
Red Flag Three — Gut Feeling kicks in
During the five years I was with Oliver, I suffered from extreme cluster migraines. Now I have stopped taking the prescription pills I was put on for nearly 5 years, and very occasionally have a migraine. That evening my head started to spin and I could also feel this very big knot in my stomach, but couldn’t understand why.
After talking about my brother I decided to call my younger brother, who I still have contact with. Having grown up with pathology in the family, both of us had had tons of therapy and share our new found knowledge if we get a sense that something is wrong. After explaining to him what our older brother had done to Lurch, he suggested we both come round and see him.
Red Flag Four — Bragging, putting other people down, objectification and more stalking behaviour
The moment Lurch met my brother and his girlfriend, he started bragging about all of his accomplishments. My brother asked him what he did overseas, and he explained that he was fed up of being with people from Korea. He said he just did the job for the money and hated every day of it. He liked to “take the piss” out of the students who didn’t understand what he was saying because they couldn’t understand English properly. He then went on to “brag” about how he used to be a bastard and a nasty piece of work, but how sorted he was because he no longer took coke, ecstasy and pills. He said he only drank occasionally, but bragged about what a good laugh he was when he was pissed up (drunk) and how everyone liked him.
When my brother asked him why he hadn’t confronted our eldest brother about ripping him off for a bad website, his reply was, “In the old days I would have gone round and bashed his head in with a baseball bat” but “I’ve done enough work on myself and lots of temple retreats to calm my anger.”
When he pulled out his laptop to show my brother all the invoices for the payments he made, I was shocked to see that his screen saver was a somewhat saucy photograph of me! At which point he hurriedly tried to hide it, but was laughing. I asked him where he had found that picture of me and he said, “It’s amazing what stuff you can find on the internet.”
Red Flag Five — The flattery, projection and love bombing
We arranged to go and have a meal. On the way we collected his bags from his car, as he planned on leaving that night to stay with friends. He gave me a box of Thornton’s chocolates (unwrapped), which in hindsight, was probably meant for the woman who had “blown him out.” He described my eldest brother, who had ripped him off, as being an “oxygen thief.” This was kind of interesting, considering how Lurch behaved with others. Lurch again reiterated how tired he was of being around people that lied to him.
On arrival at the restaurant, he kept saying how wonderful it was to see me again. How he missed my upbeat, fun personality, and that he had never laughed as much as that in nearly three years.
Red Flag six — The deer in the headlights
It was this point, I had what can only be described as a “deer in the headlights” moment. Although I knew something was clearly wrong long before the dinner, and I wanted to run, I felt frozen and couldn’t move. Coming from a childhood background of sexual abuse, I’ve discussed this a lot in therapy. Many targets want to do “something,” but feel powerless. After suggesting it was time to go home we left the restaurant and he went onto his other engagements.
Red Flag seven — Love Bombing and mirroring
That night I couldn’t sleep, and left my mobile in the kitchen overnight. The following morning I awoke to six or seven texts that said, “Anyway you are still ravishing, very sexy, but most of all you still have your hot wonderful personality which I have missed badly.” Then a load more texts including how he wanted to “give me long hot slow sensual massages and how much his ex hated having them and how he hoped I liked having massages.” He then sent texts saying how alike we were. I mentioned I hadn’t slept well the night before because of restless legs and snoring, and he called us a “perfect match.”
Red Flag Eight — Ignoring, shifting the goal posts, minimizing, the silent treatment, devalue and discard
I texted him the following day, asking what time was he planning on coming and he replied with a question. A few hours later, after no response, the same thing happened. He said he would be coming in the evening of the 1st, although previously he said he was coming in the morning. He wouldn’t respond to any calls, at which point my gut feeling said run away as quickly as possible.
My brother called me up on New Years Day and I told him that I’d felt uncomfortable around Lurch. I asked him if he thought I might be imagining it. His response was that both he and his girlfriend felt very uncomfortable around him. He described Lurch as cocky, arrogant and full of himself, and both he and his girlfriend were “creeped out” by him and he thought he was dangerous.
More silent treatment continued and I finally plucked up the courage to tell him I didn’t feel comfortable seeing him again. To which I got a final childish message back saying, “bye, your loss, bye,” then another saying “You fucked it up. You need to heal more and do a temple stay.”
Red Flag Nine — Devalue and Disregard, Grandiosity, Rendering me Silent, Crazy Making
The next day I was surprised to get yet another text from him, as if nothing had happened!
There was no apology, no explaining why he couldn’t answer his phone for two days to firm up our plans. The text said he “hadn’t left yet and could drop by and see me on his way back down south.” At this point I called him. No answer. No response.
He finally answered his phone and I expressed concerns about his behaviour, using the silent treatment and so on. He listened with the utmost calm. There was no apology, no concern that I had been upset and in fact at one point he laughed at me and put me on speakerphone. I realised that there was no point in getting angry or upset. He wanted me to act upset so his friends could see that I was the crazy one. He had the same calmness and flat effect my psychopathic ex displayed when called out in a lie. Then he suddenly said, “I’m not talking to you,” and hung up.
During the whole conversation, he called me “Lisa.”
After rendering me silent because he hung up I sent him a text. I said there was no point in seeing him, since he wasn’t prepared to answer his phone. Nor was there any point in discussing anything if he was going to hang up like a five-year-old. I received a whole lot of texts back, which included how much of an “enlightened being he was” was, how he was of a “higher consciousness,” and that I should go and have some therapy about my trust issues. After I calmed down I read back his texts, I realised that much of what he said was complete projection.
At which point I finally found my power again and told him not to contact me and to kindly f*ck off.
He continued to send multiple texts, saying it was my fault because I had “f*cked up,” in between sending other texts saying what a shame because he would “Go to the ends of the earth for me.” I finally received one more text from him, which said, “Wanna last try?” I thought to myself, “Wanna last try at what.” Text ping pong.
Escaping quickly
He had relentlessly pursued me over the last couple of years, finding pictures of me on the internet, sending me multiple emails, and was quite miffed because I was the only woman that had never slept with him. I realised that the “relationshit” that never was, was now over, thankfully.
Although I had a very upset stomach and migraine after all the head games he’d played, I realised that if you have the right tools, it doesn’t have to take years or months after giving someone the benefit of the doubt before you see the light and discover that they are disordered, whatever his label is.
No matter how upset they make you, or however vulnerable you feel in their attempts to disarm you emotionally, it is possible to escape very quickly with minimal harm.
I read that many victims of borderlines end up having long term health problems such as colon disorders and migraines. With a history of Chrohn’s, which stopped after my last relationship, this was firm reminder to listen to my own body whenever my intuition screams run!
For all the flattery, love bombing, mirroring, mind games, gas lighting and silent treatment, it was also a stern reminder at how someone who proclaims they want to be with you can quickly can turn around, to the point where you are discarded like a piece of dog doo.
So on a positive note, remember it’s easy to “speed date a sociopath” by standing back and observing their behaviour. It took me exactly three days to figure it out.
I also learned that, whilst I might still have trust issues, I was thankful to Lurch for stepping in to remind me exactly what I do NOT want in a relationship ever again.
“You got it! That’s exactly how they think! Boy, do we ever get stung when we realize they do not care the way we do. It takes a long time to accept.”
In the short term, the BPD feels remorse when end a relationship. This is quickly forgotten with the new one.
Spaths never care, save for:
1) Jealously.
2) Keeping options open for further exploitation.
Also, BPDs, since they have feelings, will not say things that would upset a former partner, for example talk about the new partner.
Sociopaths, since they have no feeling, and are very ego-oriented, will talk about new “conquests” to the last partner.
BPDs are like emotional bulls in a china shop. They do a lot of damage, but when they look back and see the damage, they recognize it.
Sociopaths are those who run over turtles. They do it for fun.
There was a moment when at the time, I felt the x-spath was playing cat and mouse with me. Now, I know this was true.
Oxy:
Such a sad story. I am so sorry for you. No parent should have to bear the cross that you have with your son Patrick. It’s a tragedy, but you really hit on something when you said those are the things YOU wanted. As a parent, of course you wanted the best for him, but as long as he didn’t want it and was going to mess up his life, there was nothing you were going to do about it. It’s a huge lesson in realizing we CANNOT control other people.
That is a huge change I am making for 2013. I am letting go of trying to make people see the light about whatever it is they are blind. I recently tried to in a gentle way show my friend who just got engaged she may be making a mistake, but she doesn’t want to see it so I will never say another word. We are still good friends and she actually appreciated me telling her my sentiments, but I will never say another word. I give my opinion and then they can do whatever they want. I can only hope that it will plant a seed.
BBE:
From everything you have said, mine is spath all the way.
Louise/Oxy:
You’re both right; we use our template of character and place it onto people we meet. If we are honest, kind, generous and compassionate we tend to think others are like us. I do not think psychopaths think they are like us…they have their masks, and secret self and are master cons and manipulators. They only think about “mememe” and what they can get from others.
They know full well what they are doing, but they have entitlement issues and think “stuff” (power/control, money/materialism/possessions, sex, image, etc., which they attain from others) is their RIGHT. Because of their malignant narcissism they think they are better than us, smarter than us, and they delight in “getting”. They only return (hoover) when they think there is something else they can take.
It does take a long time to accept that there are people who are this vile and selfish. But once the lightbulb or aha moment happens, life is different from that point on. It is a painful lesson, but reality and hopefully we can reach out to help/inform other souls who have also had this experience to heal.
Blessings and Peace,
Peggy
peggywhoever;
My trio of consecutive Cluster-B “relationships” provides insight to both them and myself.
First, them:
The BPDs both could be described as “nice” guys. There was a similar “franticness” to both of them; however, I never remember either of them saying anything bad abut anybody. Both could be described a “warm” individuals.
Regarding the x-spath, I never remember him saying anything nice about anybody or anything. While he was soft-spoken and generally calm, he could also be acerbic and nasty. Then switch right back to being charming.
Of the three, interestingly, the x-spath was the most “together”. at least on the surface. He owned his home, had a “career” albeit as a flight attendant. The other BPDs were under-achievers. The x-spath is the kind of guy you could take home to meet your family. The BPDs came across as “messes.”
The spath’s mask of sanity is why such persons are particularly dangerous: the first seem so normal. OTOH, BPDs are easier to spot if you know what you are looking for.
So, why did I find myself with any of them? Simply, due to the stress of a Sociopathic employer, I was an emotional and physical wreck. Right after I met the x-spath, I was illegally terminated from my job and I was also facing serious health issues. He seemed to be the only thing “good” in my life at that time and I latched on to him. The BPB after him was just a rebound.
Interestingly, at that point in my life, I was acting like a BPD. However, when I raised this with my counselor he provided several reasons why I was not, including the like of cutting and career success to that point.
My mental health issues continued to mount until all stressors were removed from my life: open-heart surgery and a legal battle with my former employer, both a big success.
However, two years of recovery were required. At one point, a changed psychiatrists to one highly recommended and accomplished. He viewed my as cyclothymic and wanted me on a mood stabilizer. I tried several and stopped, as they made me feel like a Zombie.
I pointed out to him that my symptoms were very much like PTSD, something OxDrover pointed out to me. My psychiatrist disagreed. However, I decided to manage my health condition with such a diagnosis. Slowly, with only a very low dose of a transdermal MAOI, and various holistic approaches, I began to feel better. I could finally get some restful sleep, something that has not happened in 5 years.
Now, I look back and see that I would not have entertained any of these three guys if I was in my current state. Or past states for that matter.
Proof:
The second BPD – I met him several years before. He was a falling down drunk. A sad case, yes, but one that in my mind I would not date. Or even want to be seen with.
The x-spath – he is very similar to somebody I dated six years earlier. Very similar look, although the other guy was a bit more attractive. Both were charming, the other guy being from the South, whereas the x-spath is British. I would not date this other guy for my most simple red flags: he smoked, drank and had a job where he was often away.
But at least this guy was nice and never nasty. Still, when I was in my right mind, I would not date him. My life centers upon healthy living, at least when I am mentally healthy. I am an avid bicyclist and smokers and cyclists are like oil and water. This guy also drank way too much. I have some issues there at times, which is why I do not date men who are heavy drinks — too easy for me to fall into that trap.
So, in my right mind, I rejected a guy very much like the x-spath, even a nicer person. When I was dysfunctional, I latched on to somebody *worse*.
peggywhoever:
They don’t think they are like us…they think WE are like THEM…deceitful, dishonest and manipulative.
Louise:
I agree with most of your posts, but I do not believe they think we are like them. I do think they project upon us the things they think or do, “You are a liar, you are a cheater, you are a manipulator,” etc., when they know we are not.
I believe they are students of humanity and they choose their targets very carefully, and their targets have “super traits” i.e., kind, thoughtful, compassionate, believe in the goodness of humanity, try to help others.
They pretend to be like us (i.e., mirroring behavior) and they are very good actors. This is why we often believe they are our soulmates, the love of our lives, etc. IF we were like them, they could not get one over on us.
Louise,
I think they use a form of splitting to simultaneously believe that we are weak, docile and easily victimized, while at the same time being paranoid that we are “out to get them” so they have to get us first.
I know this makes no sense, but we are talking about people who BELIEVE THEIR OWN LIES, “remember Jerry, it’s not a lie if YOU believe it”. (quote from Seinfeld)
I only recently learned about the concept of “splitting” from the book by Otto Kernberg, Severe Personality Disorders, Psychotherapeutic Strategies. It’s really beyond anything a normal person can relate to. It makes me wonder how they function at all.
Sociopaths do not trust. Right after lack of empathy and lying, this is almost a defining trait.
Since sociopaths do not trust, they most likely very every person with suspicion. By extension, since Sociopaths are always “up to something,” one must presume that Sociopaths fear that others are also up to something. This is why Sociopaths are controlling — for example, to prevent a partner for cheating. Sociopaths are very envious. They know there is a world they can never have.
Put it all together, especially when the Sociopath meets somebody new. Sociopaths are not trusting so the probably assume you are dating other people. By telling the sociopath that there is nobody else in your life, you have reduced his suspicion. He will not fully trust you, but you have made yourself a comfortable target. If you were dating other people, the sociopath would move on. Thus, I do not think the Sociopath makes his selection based upon being a study of humanity — he merely goes on instinct because you provide some comfort to his suspicions and jealousies. I saw the jealous side at the mere mention of a previous BF’s name…
Since the Sociopath lives on a revolving door of “boys, beer and fooling around” — his words — what could make the Sociopath any less trusting and more jealous than somebody with the apparent means to more boys, beer and fooling around?
While the fundamental issue to the x-spath breaking things off was my near unmasking of his HIV status, there was more to his ending the relationship — my Midtown Manhattan apartment and the “opportunity” he saw it provided me. It was the “bachelor pad” of his dreams. For me it was just home and in reality, far less of “pad” than he thought.
Thus, I probably left his head spinning — on one side, open and honest, telling him about by desires for a relationship, yet living a place that he dreamed of for less than virtuous reasons. He could never trust me because he viewed my life as a turnstile of “boys” — because that is what he was doing even when living in less substantial and convenient accommodations…
How do I know this? He said so on a dating profile…
peggywhoever:
I agree. I know without a doubt I was chosen for my goodness. He even commented once about how a woman at work who was very forthright and stern scared him…haha. He really is a coward.