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By September 12, 2018 8 Comments Read More →

I almost married a sociopath, and to this day I don’t know what his motives were

Spath TalesEditor’s note: This story was written by the Lovefraud reader, “marinapearl.”

I almost married a sociopath. He seemed like my perfect match at first: kind, funny, generous, respectful. We had everything in common. We moved much more quickly than I would have thought possible for me, as I am usually very cautious, but this was unlike any relationship I’d ever had. We were “soulmates,” “meant to be.”

Before long we were engaged. Everything was going well, except for when we would argue. Every time we had the slightest disagreement, he would have a meltdown. Nothing was ever his fault, and he always managed to make me feel bad for saying anything. I just thought he was really sensitive, but it concerned me that nothing ever got resolved.

He was extremely unreliable, always showing up late for our dates and not bothering to tell me. When I asked him to at least call or text me if he was going to be late, he yelled at me, saying he could never win with me, that he was working hard to provide for me (even though we weren’t even married). He also would hardly lift a finger to plan the wedding, even though my dad was paying for all of it. When I would ask him to help, he accused me of shooting down all of his suggestions, of which he’d never had any. On one occasion he admitted he didn’t care about the wedding. He just wanted to get married.

He also had this crazy story that a guy in the apartment building he managed wanted to kill him, because he alerted the police to his drug and human trafficking ring. He didn’t go to work for a week, because he feared for his life. His bosses, according to him, wouldn’t do anything to evict him, which made no sense, because they could evict anyone they wanted. The police were somehow powerless as well. The more I think about the whole thing, I am more convinced that none of it was true. But at the time I was worried, not just about his safety, but of our future, because he kept saying he was going to quit his job. When I asked him to come over to talk about my concerns, he claimed not to feel good (a common excuse). I basically pleaded with him, and he agreed to come over. But later he told me he’d been so worried I was going to break up with him that he’d run off the road and crashed his car. I never saw any damage to it.

This was around the time I started catching him in his lies. He claimed to have ordered the invitations, but later told my mom that he hadn’t ordered them. I believe now he was trying to stall the wedding any way he could. He lived with his parents (or, according to him, they lived with him and he was supporting them), and he was working on an apartment attachment for us. But it kept getting delayed, and he would give me the most absurd excuses that were never his fault: the architect was dragging his feet on drawing up the plans, his dad submitted the permits wrong, they were rejected because a previous addition wasn’t up to code, the house needed to be sided, etc. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and even helped him put new siding on his house. The apartment never got built. I suggested we rent something nearby until it was finished, but he didn’t want to waste the money. Finally I suggested we buy a little trailer to put on the property while we worked on the apartment, so we did. I paid for most of it, even though he earned a lot more money than I did. It was old and kind of ugly, but it served its purpose. He insisted on tearing it apart and renovating it, which was totally unnecessary since we were supposed to be living in it only a short time.

As the wedding approached, he became increasingly weird and difficult. He would accuse me of being unhappy all the time, when really it was both my job and trying to plan a wedding by myself that was causing me stress. He said things like, “I feel like you can’t stand me, that I’m just a burden to you” and “I don’t even know why you’re with me, I have nothing to offer.” And then, three weeks before the wedding, he called me crying, because he wanted children and I didn’t. This was the complete opposite of what we’d agreed in the beginning of our relationship. We both agreed that if it happened we would be happy, but we wouldn’t actively be trying to have kids. Now he was saying he would never be happy without them.

I now realize all of these things were just him trying to get out of the relationship, and insisting that I was unhappy was his way of making it seem like it was my fault.

He gave me an ultimatum: I had to be the one to decide if we were going to stay together. I pleaded with him and cried, but he was very calm. I asked him to come over to talk, and he agreed to do that. He brought a mutual friend who was married and who agreed to act as a sort of counselor to give advice. When I laid out all my concerns about my “fiancé’s” behavior—his unreliability, his emotional instability, his lies and changing stories and broken promises—he just sat there and said nothing. No attempts to reassure or comfort me, no promises to work on any of our issues, not even any excuses for his behavior. He had just checked out. Finally I realized if I went through with the wedding, this was what our life was going to be like. And I wasn’t going to be with someone who was just going to give up every time things got hard. So I said so.

He got up and walked out. He didn’t even say goodbye.

Later I had a relative meet up with him to get my stuff back, and give his back to him. He asked my relative how I was doing, and he said I was crying every day. This was probably the worst thing he could have said, because then my ex started emailing me. I had changed my phone number, and my relative refused to give it to him. He asked me how things could have ended the way they did, and when I told him all the things he’d done to drive me away, all he had were excuses and accusations toward me. So I stopped replying. Later I learned that he’d tried to get through me through my best friend, but I’d told her about his behavior, so she refused to work with him. He then began friending many of my friends on social media, including one of my exes, with whom I am still on good terms. I have no idea what his motives were, but I warned my friend who is my ex, and he said he thought it was weird that he would want to friend him, and that we would be careful.

It’s been a little over a month since I heard anything from this disturbed person, but I have heard things about him. The church he was supposedly very involved in has barely seen him, and when he does go, he sometimes disappears early without explanation. A mutual friend told me he’s already tried to pick up another woman, but she turned him down. This was after he promised he would always love me. Also, I learned from a couple that he dated their nineteen-year-old daughter when he was thirty-five, and she broke it off because he’d been pressuring her to marry him. He never told me any of this.

To this day I don’t know what his motives were. I’m not rich or devastatingly beautiful. I think he just wanted an obedient wife to live with him and his parents in their depressing house in the middle of nowhere, because that’s exactly what his mother did. She married his father, never worked a day in her life, and spent all her time doting on the family. He just wanted me to be a second mother. But these are just my theories. I don’t know for sure.

Because of him, I lost my job, because he convinced me to quit, saying I wouldn’t have to work when we were married. I lost a whole new life I thought I was going to have. I lost my trust in my fellow human beings. But worst of all, I fell head over heels for a man who never existed. I am still in mourning for an illusion. And I’ll never know why it happened.

 


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8 Comments on "I almost married a sociopath, and to this day I don’t know what his motives were"

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Please Please Please know you dodged a bullet, this was not your fault, I was in a relationship with one too. It was one of the worst things that happened to me. May I suggest some counseling with someone who has experience in this (psychopath) field. You made it out of a horrible situation, find yourself a new better job. Have Faith in GOD he will get you thru everything!!! It will take some time, there are good people still out there dont give up!! Good luck, you got this!!!

Psychopaths like to cause pain. very unfortunate but true.

Marinapearl, so glad that you had the strength to end this nightmare of a relationship before you married. Marriage to a sociopath is hell, divorcing a sociopath is the bottom of Hell. Thankfully, you followed your strong gut reaction to the relationship & had the foresight to see your future with this sociopath and break free for good.

What do ALL sociopaths ultimately want??

POWER AND CONTROL OVER OTHERS!!!

You many not know what his all of his intentions were right now. but know that he wanted POWER & CONTROL OVER YOU!!

But mark my word, you will learn more about this guy’s crazy behavior, as each year goes by. And then, you may learn more of the truth about him, when you hear other victims stories, even if they are passed thru other people telling you what happened. Sociopaths leave a long trail of destruction behind them. Some times it takes years to connect all the dots. This guy will be no different. You might even be contacted by a future victims of his to piece things together.

This guy seems to have isolated you to control you right from the beginning. Having you quit your job & then having you move to now where ville. ALL sociopath isolation tactics. Isolation is one of the first steps sociopath take to have full control over their target victim.

His crazy story about the tenant drug & sex ring…maybe partially true, with the exception that it might be HIM doing these things!!! This is a huge RED FLAG to me!! What my ex would do is feed me some of the truth mixed in with mostly lies. But always the little truth was an light bulb moment into my ex’s mindset. This is also a light bulb moment into this guy’s mindset = not normal mindset. Scary!! Not sure why they feed a little truth mixed in with lies…maybe they are bragging & also putting fear in our minds of who they really are & how they could harm us.

My advise is not to let this guy rent space in your mind now that you have broken off with him. Sociopath mess with our minds so much that we end up spending time trying to figure them out long after we end the relationship or are discarded. All you have to know is he does not have a healthy mindset nor the capability to have a healthy, loving, respectful relationship with ANYONE. The woman that turned him down for a date listened to her gut instinct.

I know that you are hurting right now. All the lose you have had. But, please know that you have gained the key to how this planet operations. Now you know there are good people and their are evil people.

I would recommend that you Read Donna’s book Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath, so that in the future you will spot one of these evil people before you become friends or more. It is estimated that 1 in 25 people are sociopaths/psychopaths and 1 in 5 (75% men) have narcissistic personality disorder. SO you must be on guard. You must weed out the frogs. Also watch the videos up at the top of Lovefraud. You may gain some insight into other things this guy wanted from other then Power & Control over you.

Also Google: “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their interview on listening to your gut. It will strengthen your gut instinct so that you can trust again. Gavin’s book is The gift of fear, your local library may have it.

Congratulations on surviving & breaking free from a sociopath! This is powerful. And with time you will see that you are incredibly strong & have good head on your shoulders to survive what you just escape.

Sending you huge hugs!!💜💜💜

Take care.

Please read Gavin DeBecker’s book, THE GIFT OF FEAR. One of the top 10 books I’ve read in my entire life!

Buy several good books about psychopaths..Amazon has them; you will learn more than you hoped for. Be GLAD you didn’t marry him, or get pregnant!

It’s a good thing you avoided getting into a marriage with him. I wasn’t so lucky. Also met more and more narcissists outside of romantic relationships. I feel it is very crucial we educate ourselves on Narcissisit Personality Disorder and I have written a blog in hopes to help others in similar situations. You can read my story here: https://souljournaling1.blogspot.com/

I wish you much love on your road to recovery. <3

@truthseeker1
You’re in a cult. You can read more about it here:

https://www.cifs.org.au/lookingstory.php
https://interactives.stuff.co.nz/2018/07/bad-vibrations/

The individual in charge appears to have many of the characteristics of either a psychopath or someone with narcissistic personality disorder.

Can anyone help me please regarding a cease and desist letter. I do this with a lawyer? I’m so broken down and I can’t bear to take it anymore. 3 weeks I’ve been in a smear campaign. Apparently the man who was luring me got caught by his wife- not with me but someone. The person launching the smear is a good friend of his (and I was a friend too and confided in her). She’s attacking me terribly I cry non stop I have severe anxiety.

I went to the police they said it’s not a criminal act. I can file a peace order that may not be granted because she’s making fake social media accounts. I haven’t contacted this man since June and I’m under major attack. She’s posting my photos saying I sleep with married men I suck co** she says she’s emailing my job about the relationship. I can’t believe this I’m being blamed for exposing him.

Please can someone tell me if they have went through this bad of a attack? And is a cease and desist letter expensive and does it work?

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