If someone is violent, they are capable of worse

By Ox Drover

Recently on Lovefraud there have been several people who have talked about how their ex-significant others have been violent, and yet they still have strong feelings for these (mostly) men. The readers find it difficult to go “no contact” and refuse to listen to the pleas of these guys to get back with them.

Statistics show that more women are hurt or murdered at the time that they are breaking up with someone who has formerly been violent than at any other time. Breaking up with someone who is physically violent can be dangerous. Staying with someone who has proven they are physically dangerous and capable of violence is more dangerous.

Here are stories about an ex-cop Eddy Coello from New York who has been arrested after his wife was found strangled and dead. She was apparently not the only woman he hurt either.

Eddy Coello, ‘person of interest’ in wife’s murder, assaulted and terrorized me, ex Glory Perez says, on

Ex-cop Eddy Coello arrested by NYPD police on day he skips murdered wife Tina Adovasio’s funeral, on

Ex-NYPD cop Eddy Coello arraigned in wife Tina Adovasio’s murder, on

Not everyone who murders someone has been violent before the murder, but many times they have been. They have “worked up” to the murder, either with lesser violence or with posturing and threatening.

Murder is the ultimate form of control, the ultimate form of revenge. Sometimes it is planned well in advance, and sometimes it is an impulsive act—but whatever the situation, it is a final solution. Murder is something that can’t be made amends for. It is the end for the victim.

If you are associated with someone who is violent, get away from them. Stay away from them. Keep yourself and your children safe. Do whatever you must to to remain safe.

An excellent source of information on keeping safe is Dr. Sherry L. Meinberg’s book,Toxic Attention—Keeping Safe from Stalkers, Abusers and Intruders. Dr. Meinberg is personally acquainted with being abused and holds the record with the FBI for the number of years she was abused, beaten and stalked by her former husband, an extremely violent  mental health patient. Whatever you do, however, don’t think for one moment, “It could never happen to me. S/he wouldn’t go that far.”


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(((((((((((( mama Gem! )))))))))))))))))))

I know it takes time. Just wish not so long.I know everyday gets just a little bit better….I’m learning how to be patient now, I’m also noticing that I’m feeling a bit more calm than I have been when I first got here holy moses! I’m still a mess, but even though I feel very sad and am grieving losses, it’s better than being in a relationshit with spath.


Now it’s working on Jr. UGH!

Dear Mysmys,-

I just want to suggest a few last ideas – because ErinBrock and Oxy pretty much covered the bases in terms of action items and attitude.

I believe the first thing you have to do is really decide to commit to your own life and your well being. As scary and hard as it feels and will be at times – you can rebuild your life.

I knew a woman in my DV counseling and her situation sounded much like yours – only she somehow could not detach from her Spath and his father was supposedly FBI or CIA or some such thing – the deal is – who knows if that is even true – your ex may say stuff like that to instill fear – and obviously it is working. If it is true it still is not an impediment. Really do you think if he is living in his parents basement that his father would risk enabling his insanity to the degree required to keep tracking you down? It would seem a stretch to me – not that it is not possible. But if you get calm and cool when you think about these things instead of terrorized you have a better shot at getting your life in order.

When Oxy says breathe – she is not kidding. You need to assess what you really want from your life. If you want to stay enmeshed in this drama you will make a million excuses to yourself and others for not disappearing – things like your successful career etc… If you are truly successful you can go and rebuild. I know it doesn’t feel fair – it really stinks that they destroy our lives and we have the work of rebuilding – but life is not fair and this is what reality is – in order to make the best of what is we have to accept it first and then work with it.

The steps on how to disappear are available readily on the internet if you need more that what has been offered here. Go to a library and use the computer there if you cannot get access to one he hasn’t installed key stroke programs on… Or the DV group you are getting help from will help you with that information… I’m surprised they haven’t already.

Finally – the one piece I want to suggest is that you really get grounded and take action but do not mentally obsess and overshare with people when you finally choose a place to rebuild. Keep a journal and maybe someday you will write a book – vomit all your pain and fear into that journal – not onto new people in your life. Most people who have not had experience with this cannot handle it and think you are the crazy person.

The lady in my DV group had anxiety to such a degree she was constantly in a state of hysteria and no one could talk her down for long. The DV people could not help her because she kept asking for help and then made a million excuses why the suggested steps would not work for her. If she had chosen to disappear but continued to discuss all the horrors of her situation with people where ever she chose to move to she would not be capable of rebuilding and developing some healthy and supportive relationships based on people seeing her as she might be without the hysteria. No one you want to be close to will be able to be close to you if that mess is swirling around you to the degree it is now.

I hope you can step outside of that whirlpool of pain and fear and get some perspective, distance and peace. If you don’t you will attract more insanity where ever you go – because you will look vulnerable and that attracts predators. Find some form of prayer, yoga, meditation, calming activities that you can use to soothe your soul.

I pray your path becomes clear and you see your way home – home to your best self and your best life.

Hi everyone.

Here’s a relatively new organisation which has been ‘launched’ today via the news.

Statistics: 1/4 of all violent crimes (reported) are domestic violence related. The police are called every minute of the day by a victim. 44,000 cases were reported last year. You are NOT alone.

Dear Mysmys, BRECK GIRL has given you some GREAT advice!

We must disconnect from the Chaos. The summer I ran, I bought a RV trailer and p ut it on the lots up by a lake that belonged to a friend of mine and hooked up to his electric and water so there was no way anyone could trace where I was actually STAYING.

I left all my vehicle registrations and insurance and utilities hooked up in my name at my old residence…I actually sneaked out of town without telling a soul except my closest (2-3 friends) and kept in touch by computer e mail and cell phone so no one who had any connection with me or even knew my egg donor or my P son etc. knew I was gone or where. The man who was sent to kill me that I call the “trojan horse” knew I was gone because he sneaked over to my house and saw my dogs were gone even though the lights were still hooked up etc. but he didn’t tell anyone, AND he had NO way to know I was gone.

I was actually only 35 miles away….I did have a car and one son with me, so I wasn’t totally alone, but if I had been totally alone, I would have found a place to go because my LIFE WAS IN DANGER.

If you truly believe this man is a danger to you, YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO KEEP SAFE and unfortunately HIDING OUT “in plain sight” or in a DV shelter is probably your best option.

I know that shelters limit the amount of time you can stay, and they want you to go to work ASAP and you probably need to. Fortunately, I had a small VERY SMALL retirement income, but still left me in poverty as far as “income” was concerned.

I am still digging out of poverty because the way things are set up, and probably will “qualify” for poverty for a long time to come, but because I don’t owe anyone anything I can live OK and have a roof and a vehicle, but I live very frugally.

You may have to change jobs even frequently and take food service jobs etc. but you can do it….and you can stay safe. Keep your PRIVACY and don’t tell the people you meet at work or on the street anything about yourself.

If you must use your SS# and stuff to get a job, then use a PO box for an address, and pick a “nick name” that no one would connect with you to use for people to call you. Don’t tell anyone your last name unless it is VERY NECESSARY.

KEEPING YOUR MOUTH SHUT is hard, because we want to be validated about how badly we have been treated, but it is IMPORTANT TO DO SO. Talk about your issues in therapy or at the DV shelter, but to NO ONE ELSE. Here is a safe place as well. Just no identifying information.

Good luck and above all STAY SAFE!!!! God bless you.

Thank you all for posting. I have a plan in progress but I guess I can’t post it.

I DO have some very good friends, a lot of them are powerless in this situation, and honestly I can’t imagine getting them involved in this mess, from the moment this happened I have only relied on the ones most mature and “strongest” to do things like help me by escorting me to places I need to go.

Some of them are in a 12-step program, very fragile. I am really in love with a sweet, sweet man with brain damage, but he isn’t in love with me, he loves me but nowhere close to the point I feel enamored with him. He is the sweetest man and suffers from depression and all sorts of smaller problems due to traumatic brain injury, and this drama is scary for him and I told him I would call him when all of this is over. I am going to leave him behind and in the hands of God, I feel so torn about this, but I know that the relationship, however short, was a blessing because he was the sweetest and most gentle soul I have ever known. It was the second relationship like that — made me realize I have only dated madmen for the past 8 years, and I will treasure the fact that these two men I’ve been seeing in the last year restored my faith in men.

I have dropped so far off the radar I forget I have friends. Somebody left me a voicemail today that if I DIDN’T call them, they were going to call the police, because they were afraid I was dead.

I feel terrible about this kind of stuff, I don’t check my messages often because I got signed up for all these stupid telemarketing lists — a whole bunch of work from home BS — the phone rings off the hook most of the day. Everything says “forwarded call” etc and I usually get driven so crazy I just turn off the phone. I promised the att general I wont change my phone number until after court, I lose my benefits if I don’t show to court, and I need some of the money they are giving me as a victim for housing. The Victim’s program here is great, but they don’t provide you directly with counseling, however, they DO PAY for it, you just have to find it and submit paperwork and I haven’t done anything but see my private psychiatrist. I am afraid of the papertrail, kept paying cash out of pocket, so I can’t submit my expenses until I am far away, then pray they will cut me a check when it is time.

I truly believe that the protection order paper is worthless, and thank God he is in it to win, I may be able to LET him win? I don’t know, I keep wondering what I can do to let him win. He is parading in a bunch of sick alcoholics who are manipulated easily to disparage me and call me names, I haven’t seen two of them for 6 to 8 months since I fired one guy from my for his drinking, another one I literally have not seen or heard from in 4 years when I, too, was drinking heavy and deep under the influence of the psychopath. I cant believe I fell for it again — he was in recovery, etc… blah blah blah, all those beautiful lies, I just finally had something worth taking again.

I have been “on the run” since midmarch, and my mail began disappearing shortly after that. It’s been revealed to me by another former roommate that the roomies the psycho was in touch with were hoarding it, knowing I had no access to my ATM or checks or anything, and then on my official move-out date, wrote “return to sender, not at this address” on them. My mother already got a few checks she wrote to me back – that’s when I confronted the ex-roommate today, who FINALLY told me what happened, and then I told her to never speak or contact me again, I have said for nobody in that house to contact me again — mom said the mail pieces had been through a lot, they looked like they had been to the dead letter office and back. I had to cancel two checkbooks and an ATM card, and they literally had me thinking this psycho had somebody stealing it out of the mailbox.

Why would he, if I had people who were so easily manipulated that they would stash it and then return it for him, making ME look MORE crazy? They were calling me crazy, and insisting nobody touched my mail, I had filed a police report and now I have text messages on my phone admitting what happened, and I don’t have the energy to turn them in.

I don’t understand how he was able to charm and manipulate them. I literally have no idea — was it fear? Did they call him first? Did he contact them? Did his stinking rich parents PAY them?

I don’t know, I guess it doesn’t matter. I have to choose which battles to fight. Somebody’s tried to hack my website, every bank account I own is on lockdown, my cell phone is on lockdown, everything has so many identifiers that it takes me a long time to access them. Thank God they ask me questions my psycho wouldn’t care about or ever remember — what street did you grow up on, what’s your mother’s middle name, etc. He truly doesn’t give a damn, and it’s hard for him to remember things that are significant, he really only remembers birthdays and anniversaries (of bad things, not good things!)

Of course, he, somehow orchestrated this. If I sit around wondering how or why he twisted these people against me, I will go completely mad. But I do DO a lot of pondering, my memory is a fog a lot of the time, and I hate the ativan so much, I already had a diagnosis of PTSD before this but the doctor called the symptoms “in remission” and then re-diagnosed me with acute stress disorder when all of these things hit the fan. The drama has been unrelenting, still, and I am over 50 miles away from him. There has not been a day that has gone by without anything happening. I can’t wait to change my number and at least get rid of all these annoying spooked and forwarded calls. That’s the only guarantee I can give myself after court.

I DO have a plan, I was able to get my mail issues sorted out, I still have no access to cash, I just got too paranoid with the keylogger, this computer I am on is clean, and I have a techie friend in my life who advised me, it’s got an IP cloaker on it, so I am living like a creep, now, too. I hate it. I hate having to live and think like a criminal in order to not be killed by one, but that’s what my friend who works in investigations and private security essentially told me. He gave me all the information I need, and yeah, he told me to see the restraining order through, but in the end, run, if nothing else, for my own sanity.

Dear Mysmys,

Good for you, I think you are starting to “sound sane” sweetie, and you keep working on that plan,, putting it in place and keeping SAFE! God bless you. Keep on reading and learning!

When I was planning to leave my husband. It was near the holidays in 1992. My sister gave me sound advice. She said to wait until after the holiday. She stated that he will be most dangerous if he is kicked out during the holidays .

I think her strategy worked. He moved himself out during the day of New Years Eve of 1992.

It really was easier when he thought it was on his terms. Plus he had a free whore pass on a New Years Eve.

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