By Ox Drover
Recently on Lovefraud there have been several people who have talked about how their ex-significant others have been violent, and yet they still have strong feelings for these (mostly) men. The readers find it difficult to go “no contact” and refuse to listen to the pleas of these guys to get back with them.
Statistics show that more women are hurt or murdered at the time that they are breaking up with someone who has formerly been violent than at any other time. Breaking up with someone who is physically violent can be dangerous. Staying with someone who has proven they are physically dangerous and capable of violence is more dangerous.
Here are stories about an ex-cop Eddy Coello from New York who has been arrested after his wife was found strangled and dead. She was apparently not the only woman he hurt either.
Eddy Coello, ‘person of interest’ in wife’s murder, assaulted and terrorized me, ex Glory Perez says, on NYDailyNews.com
Ex-cop Eddy Coello arrested by NYPD police on day he skips murdered wife Tina Adovasio’s funeral, on NYDalyNews.com
Ex-NYPD cop Eddy Coello arraigned in wife Tina Adovasio’s murder, on CBSNews.com.
Not everyone who murders someone has been violent before the murder, but many times they have been. They have “worked up” to the murder, either with lesser violence or with posturing and threatening.
Murder is the ultimate form of control, the ultimate form of revenge. Sometimes it is planned well in advance, and sometimes it is an impulsive act—but whatever the situation, it is a final solution. Murder is something that can’t be made amends for. It is the end for the victim.
If you are associated with someone who is violent, get away from them. Stay away from them. Keep yourself and your children safe. Do whatever you must to to remain safe.
An excellent source of information on keeping safe is Dr. Sherry L. Meinberg’s book,Toxic Attention—Keeping Safe from Stalkers, Abusers and Intruders. Dr. Meinberg is personally acquainted with being abused and holds the record with the FBI for the number of years she was abused, beaten and stalked by her former husband, an extremely violent mental health patient. Whatever you do, however, don’t think for one moment, “It could never happen to me. S/he wouldn’t go that far.”
I posted this article, mainly for a couople of bloggers I hae not seen in a few days who were worrie3d thattheir exconvict and violent X would lharm them.
Tonight on dateline though there was an arcile about a man named John GArdner, he had raped a 13 year old lgirl and in the two psyc reports he got before being sentence, one report said “Lock him up- for the max—the max was ONLY 10 yrs) the other psych report said “Oh, he’s treatable”—-so he was given a 5 year sentence (instead of the maximum 10 and guess what….in 2009 he abducted raped and murdered a 14 year old girl and then he flew under the radar until right before Christmas 2009 he tried to rape a gal but she got away, then two months later he grabbed and raped a 17 yr old and killed her too. Her panties gave DNA and since he was a sex offender they had him by his DNA on her clothes.
The parent of the second girl he murdered gave up asking for the death penalty for him to do life without parole if he also confessed to the first murder of Amber Dubois and located her body.
Violent predatory offenders who rape and murder are not in my mind receptive to treatment that will make them safe. How many rapes does a man have to commit to do life? Or get the death penalty. When will it stop? When will the laws, cops, courts, judges, lawmakers see the hand writing on the wall?
Ox,
Informative and helpful to be cautious.
My stbx did aggressive things and never crossed the line of hitting me. He punched holes in walls; broke down a door jamb to get in my bedroom after I locked myself after an argument; locked me out of the house. After we separated, and stayed in same house, I refused to talk to him and asked him to write a note if he had something to say to me. He’d throw a note on the floor, so I’d need to stoop down and be in that inferior submissive position picking it up–how disrespectful when I think back. He’d write notes “Don’t take advantage of me”. Or later on he’d say “You’re stuck with me.”
Now that he found out I was seeing someone, I wonder if it’ll trigger his control more.
And… scared to report that a b/f I dated briefly is potentially a physical abuser–wonder what his 3 exes would say. His taking my keys a tell tale sign. His blaming email after I asserted I wanted time to myself and wouldn’t see him one weekend. His blaming email, accusing me of not knowing who I really was, keeping my daughter out of our relationship, and seriously questioning if this relationship was right for him. That gut instinct when a voice told me to keep him away from my kid was so loud, yet it was not protective of ME.
Now I feel I brushed up against a dangerous abuser. That possessiveness, this glaze over the eyes when they go in a trance, like when my cat would hunt a mouse, he was disconnected from reality and gone in this hunting trance. I’ve seen that scary glaze.
Dear Warrior,
People who punch holes in walls and intimidate people, and deliberately humiliate others and try to control others are already “violent” but that violence can get worse. Too many times people come here and talk about how violent their psychopath was and how scared they are of him, and yet….go back. They have a gut feeling, and yet they ignore it for themselves.’
Recently there have been several posters here who talked about how violent their psychopath was….and yet they couldn’t maintain NC, they felt sorry for him.
The woman in these articles didn’t think he would kill her either. I often think about the girl my P son murdered, she didn’t know what she was dealing with and it cost her her life. I have no doubt that my son had “acted tough” or that she knew he carried a gun (which with him being on parole was a felony crime in itself just for him to have one) but she didn’t realize that he would BE VIOLENT to the extent of really harming her. Taking her life.
If they show violence and willingness to hurt, even deliberately hurt someone, they are capable of MUCH MORE VIOLENCE. We can’t assume we are “safe” because they “wouldn’t go that far.”
I am glad that you broke it off with that guy with the car keys thing, he sounded already like he was very capable of being “ugly” and hateful if nothing else….just over the camera deal.
Your gut is smart, so listen to it! Avoid people that have behavior that is a red flag. Don’t talk yourself out of it. BE CAUTIOUS. Don’t live in terror, but do live with CAUTION. (((hugs)))
DW – ‘and never crossed the line’
Well …….YES he did BIG time. ‘Normal’ people do NOT repeat NOT punch holes in walls or break down doors.
Only MONSTERS do that.
Ditch this piece of shite and don’t look back.
Huh! Who am I to talk? Looking back my kids gave me the same advice but I was not ready to listen (boink) With the help from peeps on LF I FINALLY did it.
Good luck:)
Hi Oxy,
After I brought home a cop so he’d let me get in the house after locking me out, he NEVER did anything overtly physically violent again. But deep down I think he despised me for “betraying” him. And turned insidiously psychologically hurtful.
But did I forget the time he shook his fist in my face, while I was holding the baby and said he’d “bash my face in”? Oh, and I forgot the time he grabbed my by the neck and pressed against the wall saying in red rage not to ever lock him out of the room–after he broke down the door jamb.
My daughter tells me that now he is looking for a supportive fan for him movie about gangsters tying up the husband, raping the wife, then putting them on a boat with explosives, and all kinds of schemes of violence, crime, rape, etc. He used to tell me this movie script and want me to be supportive and I’d say all the violence is disturbing so I can’t take interest sorry. He’d get offended that I wasn’t encouraging his creativity. Now he tells the same script to our daughter, and she shook her head to me saying, “it’s so WEIRD.”
When I FIRST met him–I think I missed a ton of clues due to the language difference and cultural difference–he’d tell me stories about how he took out a pocket knife and was joking around with a girl on the street saying “Give me your money!” and she ran in the bar and called the police. Then he was arrested for armed robbery, and he described this as a gross misunderstanding and missing a silly joke. Back then I thougt the story was amusing and he was funny. He also told me of his numerous arrests as a teen for possession of pot, and somehow he was always the victim, framed, and in the wrong place when all his friends were doing it but not him, and poor he was the one caught. Every 28 times! And his daddy would bail him out and expunge the FBI records so he can have a clean record and work in a bank. NONE of these stories were a red flag to me.
DId I ever tell you that my therapist told me on phone that what he did in her office was SOCIOPATHIC? After we quit joint therapy with her, she continued to see just me, and once he asked to come with me to discuss how to split up money, and cajoled and connived why I should give him half my savings. She watched and listened to the way he used my trust of her to mediate this, and his pretense to be protective of our daughter’s wellbeing, to soften me up of his good motives, and then, btw, say I should give him half my money. At that point I still saw us as a couple, “working things out” so I was still open to all kinds of compromise and sharing. Her using the word SOCIOPATHIC gave me pause and I read the Sociopath Next Door. . . couldn’t believe, MY OWN husband would want to deceive ME?????? Could not comprehend.
Hi Candy,
Re. his crossing the line…
I can’t tell you why I would have thought any of the above was NORMAL aside from it being familiar as my father acted out of control and really mean and verbally abusive. It just looked familiar… and seeing my mother not bat an eye at these behaviors, including hitting her in front of me, well, I just did not see anything different in my life before.
Very sad, but I don’t know yet what a kind and respectful relationship looks like.
Dancing – It sounds like you grew up expecting the assaults your mother suffered as being ‘normal’
Ok, if you are in a relationship
#1 Hitting someone is NOT normal. People do should not do that. Fullstop.
#2 Threatening someone – nope that’s not normal/acceptable either. Fullstop
#3 Abuse in ANY form is unacceptable. Fullstop.
Give yourself time to heal before you jump in to another relationship. Read here and find out what is acceptable in a relationship (and what is not)
You are among people who understand (my ex kicked the door off it’s hinges too!! and much worse) So yep, been there got the t shirt. Ain’t gonna do it again in a hurry.
Dear Dancing,
SORRY FOR THE DOUBLE POST.
Dear Dancing,
Starting to recognize what is normal and what is not is the first steps in finding peace and normalcy and NOT ACCEPTING ABUSE.
Learning to set boundaries and to say NO, I WILL NOT BE TREATED THAT WAY!!!! are steps in the right direction.
We are “set up” to accept abuse as normal or expected by growing up around it, seeing it modeled for us…but we can learn that it is NOT okay and that we can provide for ourselves.
Psychopaths do not have others well fare at heart, and we must keep our own welfare in mind when we deal with them. We must not assume that they are being honest with us.
You remembering the abusive, mean, hateful, spiteful things that your husband did to try to control you should put you on alert that the man is ABUSIVE. Abusive people do not have our best interest at heart and we must PROTECT OURSELVES and our children from them. Not Pity them.
That thing about the threats to go to court if you don’t give in on the tax issues to his benefit…well you may indeed have to go to court with him, but STICK TO PROTECTING YOURSELF. He is NOT going to play “fair” no matter what you do. If you gave him ALL the tax deductions it would not make him any nicer or less abusive. You can’t placate them. They think they are ENTITLED to it.
Oh, BTW his “story” about the “armed robbery” is probably TRUE to a point, he probably DID try to rob someone and got arrested….but his story of it being a “joke”—NAH, THAT’S THE LIE PART!
Dancing – Ox is right. They tell us an element of the truth and make it out to be more/less than it was but in there somewhere there is MORE. This guy is dangerous.
As for playing fair – forget it. There are plenty of posts on here about the ‘unfairness’ of spaths.
On another note – I’m off to bed, got a funny tum – too much choc:(
Nite x