By Ox Drover
Recently on Lovefraud there have been several people who have talked about how their ex-significant others have been violent, and yet they still have strong feelings for these (mostly) men. The readers find it difficult to go “no contact” and refuse to listen to the pleas of these guys to get back with them.
Statistics show that more women are hurt or murdered at the time that they are breaking up with someone who has formerly been violent than at any other time. Breaking up with someone who is physically violent can be dangerous. Staying with someone who has proven they are physically dangerous and capable of violence is more dangerous.
Here are stories about an ex-cop Eddy Coello from New York who has been arrested after his wife was found strangled and dead. She was apparently not the only woman he hurt either.
Eddy Coello, ‘person of interest’ in wife’s murder, assaulted and terrorized me, ex Glory Perez says, on NYDailyNews.com
Ex-cop Eddy Coello arrested by NYPD police on day he skips murdered wife Tina Adovasio’s funeral, on NYDalyNews.com
Ex-NYPD cop Eddy Coello arraigned in wife Tina Adovasio’s murder, on CBSNews.com.
Not everyone who murders someone has been violent before the murder, but many times they have been. They have “worked up” to the murder, either with lesser violence or with posturing and threatening.
Murder is the ultimate form of control, the ultimate form of revenge. Sometimes it is planned well in advance, and sometimes it is an impulsive act—but whatever the situation, it is a final solution. Murder is something that can’t be made amends for. It is the end for the victim.
If you are associated with someone who is violent, get away from them. Stay away from them. Keep yourself and your children safe. Do whatever you must to to remain safe.
An excellent source of information on keeping safe is Dr. Sherry L. Meinberg’s book,Toxic Attention—Keeping Safe from Stalkers, Abusers and Intruders. Dr. Meinberg is personally acquainted with being abused and holds the record with the FBI for the number of years she was abused, beaten and stalked by her former husband, an extremely violent mental health patient. Whatever you do, however, don’t think for one moment, “It could never happen to me. S/he wouldn’t go that far.”
What a timely article. Ive been so relieved since my escape I hadnt thought of this. Yes, he was violent, yes, he is capable of losing it. For the most part he was able to keep physical control of himself. However, now that Im REALLY gone, REALLLLLLY gone, well…thats a different story. I was just informed he is in town a few days ago and Im sure skulking around. Im fully preparted to have him arrested, and of course he will bond out immediately, having loads of money and high toned attorneys at his disposal. I strangely enough dont feel afraid of him. Must be desensitised. The thing is though, I believe that IF anything happenns to me, if it is not him just totally coming unhinged, will be by a person he hires. Thats more his style. Not that he wouldnt take EXTREME pleasure in hurting me for daring to escape his matrix, his kingdom, but because of course he is all about saving his own skin first and foremost.
Hmm, interesting thought.
God help us all
Dear Wisergirl,
KEEP SAFE! Just cause you’re paranoid doesn’t mean someone isn’t out to get you. Don’t try to talk yourself out of being CAUTIOUS or even afraid, but don’t let yourself be terrorized. Been there and done that!
I won’t live in TERROR, but I DO live with a reasonable amount of caution. (((hugs))) and God bless and keep you safe!
Wisegirl,
I know what you mean. I have the same kind of “awareness” that when he kills me, he will hire someone to do it. and he will have an alibi so the patsy will take the fall.
All sociopaths evade responsibility, in every way that there is to do so. It is first and formost in their minds when they wake in the morning: how will I do evil and scapegoat someone else into accepting/receiving the blame? Oh yes! a Patsy!
It could take 2 years or 25 years, they don’t care. They can be slow and methodical because they have no concept of time and besides, they are enjoying every millisecond of their fantasy. They are gleeeeeful at the thought. Yes, they are cold and calculating. We must be the same.
Here is my advice to you: LET HIM KNOW THAT YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW HE THINKS. write out what you believe he is capable of and let EVERYONE you know, understand it.
HECK, write a book about it. I want to do that, just to save my life. Once it is IN PRINT, they will have to actually re-think their strategy, because if you die, they are the prime suspect.
I know it sounds crazy, but everything you can document AND make him aware of, will STOP him in his EVIL tracks. These creatures are story-driven characters. If they BELIEVE they can get away with murder, they will commit murder. If the story is not in their favor, they will change tactics. MAKE HIM CHANGE TACTICS AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE.
love and hugs to you Wisegirl,
you deserve better than the mofo spath.
skylar
UM, Im preeetttttty sure Im not paranoid. Having lived with this freak for over 20 years. I dont scare easily, having been through all of his antics MANY times. And yes, Ive made others, including attorneys, friends, and police aware of what he is capable of. Yep, covered those bases numerous times. Who knows, maybe eventually it will catch up to him. . I mean hell, even John Gotti eventually went to prison right?
@skylar, lol, your last comment made me laugh literally out loud.
Hugs to you all
Wisegirl,
You don’t sound paranoid to me, but aware. There’s a difference I think. Sounds like you’ve done everything possible with that awareness to keep yourself safe. Maybe that’s where your peace is coming from?
Nice job!
LL
Wisergirl,
I wrote this article specifically for a woman who posted here for a while and then “disappeared” and hasn’t posted again….but she did let him “back in” once then tried to cut it off again.
85 % of the people who try to leave an abuser go back. EIGHT FIVE PERCENT. That statistic just makes me ill! But on the bright side there are 15% who STAY AWAY from the psychopath, the abuser. Unfortunately some of them find ANOTHER abuser….so the odds are stacked against people breaking free.
The woman I wrote the article for said he had tried to strangle her multiple times,,,,and had a criminal record (25 % of convicts are full blown score-30 or above on the PCL-R, and the AVERAGE score for all inmates is 22 and “normal” people score 4-5. so ANY convict or ex convict has a BIG CHANCE of being disordered and/or VIOLENT)
Not all psychopaths kill, but it is estimated that 75% of those who are involved in domestic violence are psychopaths….so again, the statistics are against anyone who has been violent in being “normal’—and all psychopaths are CAPABLE of harming someone else.
I hoped that this woman would read this article…I have no way of knowing if she did, or if she is alive or dead. My P-son killed a girl in cold blood, planned it for days, even announced he intended to to his convict friends….then blew her away without a backward glance.
Until he jwas arrested I NEVER THOUGHT he was capable of murder….robbery yes, fighting yes, but murder—cold blooded pre-meditated murder? NOT in a million years. But I WAS WRONG. In fact, I have some “survivor’s guilt”: about this girl’s death, because if he HAD COME HOME T6O LIVE AFTER HE GOT OUT OF PRISON THE FIRST TIME—THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN ME INSTEAD OF HER.
Yea, I know, he is the one who killed her, not me….it wasn’t my fault….I know that but still in the back of my mind is that little voice that says—-SO CLOSE—-it could have been you. Then, he tried to have one of his convict buddies kill me (even with him in prison still) and almost got away with it….SO CLOSE. He’s still in prison but I know if he ever gets out…he will try again. I hired a lawyer to fight his parole and “won’ this round and he won’t come up for parole for another 3 years now, but he WILL get out eventually, I know that. So I have to be PREPARED.
Being “paranoid” is not being stupid—-it can mean you are hyper-alert, or it can mean you are jjust AWARE of what someone is capable of. We love them, we try to talk ourselves out of believing they are CAPABLE of such EVIL, but almost every woman or man who was murdered by one of these EVIL people just didn’t believe they were capable of such evil.
I hope and pray that the woman I wrote this article for is alive and not with that EVIL man, but there is an 85% chance she is back with him. It makes me sad, but I hope if she doesn’t see this article or heed the warning, that someone will.
Donna has made a wonderful site here at LoveFraud and the posts that we put up today will hopefully be here for years to come so that someone else can read, learn and escape and not talk themselves out of thinking their Psychopath isn’t capable of murder.
I’m glad you are away, and for now safe! Be cautious, but don’t live in terror.
Been a long time away; very busy. But I still read the articles and posts at times. This is a good one; I saw the Dateline show just recently about Gardner. It is sad that both of the young girls would have lived if this man was monitored properly. They said he had over 1000 parole violations including visiting a prison, had marujuana in his car, and went too close to daycares/schools many times. Why did he even have an ankle monitor if no one tracks it? When I think back to my experiences with a certain person, I am reminded of the humiliation, the loss of a job at a school I loved, among other things. And I had the feeling several times of the hair standing on the back of my neck like it could get worse. I am thankful that only I was a victim. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to my family. So glad to get out with minor damage? But I guess if people show you they can and do treat you badly, why wait around for more????????
(((( Ox ))))) I appreciate your care and concern for posters here facing violent spaths. I understand. P hubby almost killed my daughter while we were trying to break free. The rage of these people is unbelievable unless one is subjected to it.
I never thought last ex would or could be capable of murdering me.
I think my first post here was that he had pulled a loaded gun out on his bed pointed at me, while I was butt naked and right after sex, proclaiming that he showed it to me just for me to know he was going to protect his “family”….that didn’t include me.
He knows how to use that gun and he’s talked about it before, what a good shot he is.
Another thing that told me he might possibly do what he implied he would do is that during sex, he would rub his hand up from my abdomen to my THROAT AND SQUEEZE!! One time it was so bad, that it scared the daylights out of me. I dared NOT to say a word. And still…………I went back….I stuffed that too, and that’s how trauma bonded I was to him….the mindfucking was unbelievable Ox.
That’s why they go back. Your self esteem, worth and life are in the toilet……how could someone you love so deeply want to hurt you? I couldn’t understand this….
It was these two incidents towards the end that told me he could be CAPABLE of it. And he would have NOTHING to lose. Because I was the OW, no children with him, no nothing. He could have buried me in his backyard and no one would have cared, except my kids…..
Nothing to lose. I saw that hatred. Absolute hatred of me.
I thank GOD I’m alive, despite all the pain.
What you’re doing is good work for those who think it can’t happen. Even if that person has no prison record and was never violent before. The scott Peterson’s of the world, the OJ’s show me that.
It can happen. they CAN snap.
And they can hate you just that much to do it.
LL
LL
Dear Teacher,
Welcome BACK!!!! Glad to hear from old friends on the blog!
Of course you are right, if people are “ugly” to us and treat us “badly” why hang around to see what they are capable of at the max?
That gardner thing made the hair on my head stand up all the way down to my toes. My P son had an ankle monitor too, but when he cut it off and took off I TOLD THEM WHERE HE WAS, and they did not even try to find him until 3 months later when he missed his court date! WTF????
The Trojan Horse Psychopath– I called his PO and the PO did not know he had 3 felony rapes for 3 children and had a sex offender status….WTF??? Didn’t know he was an SO??? I even talked to the supervisor of the PO and she wasn’t much help either. MADE ME WANT TO SCREAM! The parole board had let him out and was going to place him in a half way house WHICH IS PROHIBITED FOR SEX OFFENDERS—-only after I raised cain and threw a fit threatening to go to the news and the governor did they cancel his parole for 5 months until he found some church group to take him in when he got out. DUH!!!!!
That guy that took the photos of Liane Leedom when she was 17 murdered several women, one before he took her photo and a couple afterward….and he was on parole! WTF!!!! She dodged a bullet there, a pretty close call if you ask me!
It doesn’t make sense to me that NON-VIOLENT OFFENDERS are given long terms and VIOLENT offenders, REPEAT violent offenders are let out on parole and NOT MONITORED.
WAKE UP AMERICA!! Wake up Canada!!!! Wake up UK!!!!
When are we going to quit prosecuting women for selling their bodies, and prosecute the BUYERS like they are doing in Denmark? When are we going to quit prosecuting kids for selling a lid of grass and START prosecuting RAPISTS? Really prosecuting them! How about child molesters? Child abusers? Domestic abusers? ROBBERS?
How about accepting that there are those who are FUTILE to “treat” and give “another chance?”
Okay, Im off my rant now! LOL
Not too sure if anyone has shared this on here before, but a friend of mine sent it in an email. The Potter house is not too far from me, but I have never been. I am not promoting any religion here, but this is good advice that many people here might need to hear. It is about Letting Go by T.D. Jakes.
http://amydillon.com/2010/12/td-jakes-let-it-go