By Ox Drover
Recently on Lovefraud there have been several people who have talked about how their ex-significant others have been violent, and yet they still have strong feelings for these (mostly) men. The readers find it difficult to go “no contact” and refuse to listen to the pleas of these guys to get back with them.
Statistics show that more women are hurt or murdered at the time that they are breaking up with someone who has formerly been violent than at any other time. Breaking up with someone who is physically violent can be dangerous. Staying with someone who has proven they are physically dangerous and capable of violence is more dangerous.
Here are stories about an ex-cop Eddy Coello from New York who has been arrested after his wife was found strangled and dead. She was apparently not the only woman he hurt either.
Eddy Coello, ‘person of interest’ in wife’s murder, assaulted and terrorized me, ex Glory Perez says, on NYDailyNews.com
Ex-cop Eddy Coello arrested by NYPD police on day he skips murdered wife Tina Adovasio’s funeral, on NYDalyNews.com
Ex-NYPD cop Eddy Coello arraigned in wife Tina Adovasio’s murder, on CBSNews.com.
Not everyone who murders someone has been violent before the murder, but many times they have been. They have “worked up” to the murder, either with lesser violence or with posturing and threatening.
Murder is the ultimate form of control, the ultimate form of revenge. Sometimes it is planned well in advance, and sometimes it is an impulsive act—but whatever the situation, it is a final solution. Murder is something that can’t be made amends for. It is the end for the victim.
If you are associated with someone who is violent, get away from them. Stay away from them. Keep yourself and your children safe. Do whatever you must to to remain safe.
An excellent source of information on keeping safe is Dr. Sherry L. Meinberg’s book,Toxic Attention—Keeping Safe from Stalkers, Abusers and Intruders. Dr. Meinberg is personally acquainted with being abused and holds the record with the FBI for the number of years she was abused, beaten and stalked by her former husband, an extremely violent mental health patient. Whatever you do, however, don’t think for one moment, “It could never happen to me. S/he wouldn’t go that far.”
LL, we posted over each other.
I know that I can’t convince some people that their X is dangerous, no matter what they have done to them….it is frustrating that the warnings here fall on “deaf ears”—but I was DEAF, I had ears but I did not hear, and eyes but I did not see, I was BLIND to the truth, too….so I am not any “smarter” than 99.9% of the bloggers here.
“There is no fanatic like a convert”—and I have been CONVERTED! I SEE NOW and I HEAR NOW, and I want everyone else in the world to see and hear the truth…but they can only see and hear when they are READY…and the truth is that some will never be ready to hear the truth or see the truth…and some will die because of their deafness and blindness. But, I will keep on speaking the truth as long as I have a forum here or anywhere to speak the truth.
The truth is though, we must EACH SAVE OURSELVES. I’m glad you are away from that scum bucket.
How is “junior” doing, BTW? Is he doing any better? ((hugs)))
Teacher, I have read quite a bit of TD Jakes stuff and he writes well. Thank you for sharing that article. It is a good one. I’ve read it before, but the TRUTH of that article is so sound! LET IT GO.
http://www.timesupblog.blogspot.com/
this is another good blog on Healing and domestic violence.
Ox,
When I posted that? Even though I thought it “odd” at the time (and deep inside fear) I didn’t know that was not normal!! You TOLD ME TO GET AWAY FROM THAT MAN, healthy people don’t DO THAT! I don’t know what saved my life. Or got my ass moving, that post or a combination of things saying he was cheating, But you HELPED ME! I DIDN”T REALIZE HOW ABNORMAL THAT WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s how TRAUMA BONDED I WAS TO HIM, OX. I HADN”T A CLUE!!!
I look at it this way: It must be very painful to see people come here, post and they are with violent offenders and never come back. It may be the ONLY time they were allowed to post anything. That is so sad and SO SCARY! Because YOU DON”T KNOW what happened to them! BUT…….if you save just ONE LIFE, and only just ONE….(maybe mine too? dunno?) Then it’s worth it, isn’t it? It’s worth it.
I’m beginning to realize, that anyone that bothers, and I do mean ANYONE that bothers to help someone when they’re dealing with a P/S/N, no matter in WHAT WAY, it saves a life. Donna, Sandra, Claudia, Steven, Liane, Martha, those that have the popularity and writing skills to get the word out….the posters here everyday, who come and pour their hearts out, some just reading for months to get clarity and finally have the courage to post…..EVERYONE’S position in helping to reach out, could possibly save a life.
For all of those that may be lost, ox, and I’m sure they exist, you’re a person who lives in reality, there is that ONE that is ALIVE today because of your story and because of what you SAY to them.
We each have a gift to offer.
About Jr. Well, let me tell ya what…..I got him into therapy but with an asshole who offered to do it for free, as a referral from the school counselor. After an hour with the both of us and my son’s manipulative skills, he decided that he couldn’t do it for free, that this was not LONG term but SHORT term and it would cost a 100 per hour, given the emotional, physical, emotional time he’d have to give to it. I don’t have that. I wasn’t impressed. He lost my son’s interest within the hour and my son had snowed him. It was pointless.
I’ll keep trying though. I have too. I love my son. He’s sixteen. He’s in the last stages of his brain development (providing he hasn’t blown it all to smithereens with his over usage of marijuana), and def ODD, so if there is a way for him to be “fixed” prior to the last stages of development, I’m willing to play. I’ve asserted some heavy duty boundaries here at home. If he does not comply, he’s gone. So far so good. But we all know how long that could last. That therapy session was a major eye opener. I got to see just what a manipulative little shit he can be….all the traits are there, Oxy, lying, manipulating, blaming, projecting, and the big one PITY PLAY. Clear as crystal!
I almost had to let my sex offending son go. But because of his psych eval that showed him to be ABSENT of personality disorders and only with GAD and situational depression, I was willing to take the gamble. Had it NOT been for that outcome, i would have signed off my parental rights. The treatment providers felt he was an EXCELLENT candidate for recovery because of his HIGH EMPATHY traits. ANd sure enough, all along through treatment and now out, he has proven himself to be not only recovered, but AWARE of things that could trigger him, and he’s made major contributions to the community with his well being. Seven more months and he can petition the judge for release of registration. It is rare when this is an option, but after receiving the psych eval, she decided that he was worth taking the risk.
Having said that Ox, if this one doesn’t pan out…..I’m signing OFF my parental rights.
I see my blonde haired little boy. So funny, so wonderful, I have a picture of him next to my bed. I love my son very very much……and the precious memories I have of him as a little guy mean more now than ever and if that’s all that I get now, I’ll live with it. I’ve been through worse. It can’t GET any worse, ya know?
I’ve been studying about genetics and psychopaths. His father is one.
If he is, he is. I will cry my eyes out as now I AM seeking a full psych evaluation.
I’m prepared for the outcome. It will give me an idea as to what I’m looking at.
Three things here, Ox. Lack of empathy. Lack of guilt and remorse.
They are all evident in Junior.
Depending upon the psych eval, is the choices I will have to make.
ANd I’m willing to make them.
(((((((((((((( oxy )))))))))))))))))))))))
LL
Dear LL<
A few months after my son killed the girl, I got a job at a psych hospital. There was a shortage of nurses, and I actually didn't want a job but the director of nurses was a friend of mine and kept calling me begging me to come to work….any hours I wanted and good pay, so I did.
I started doing intake evals—I had never worked psych before but had some little experience in the psych parts of rehabilitation for spinal cord injury….so I listened to these people tell me about their child—who was as BAD OR WORSE THAN MINE who was in prison for murder. After the intake eval where Ihad to sit and listen empathetically and be "professional" I would go into the bathroom and cry my eyes out.l
Then I started working some as evening supervisor of nurses, then filling in for nurses who called in, and working directly with the kids themselves…..and by the time I had been there ja year and a half I almost got killed by a kid, and decided it was time for me to find a job that was less dangerous than dealing with 6 ft tall 210 pound out of control boys—ODD, BPDs etc….some who should have been in jail but because their insurance BIOPSY was POSITIVE and their insurance would pay they went to a psych unit instead of jail.
It was a healing job for me, LL. I actually believe that God had given me jobs that helped me cope with my own problems and situations. My husband's youngest son was a severe head injury and afterward functioned at the level of a severely retarded child. Because I had worked with so many young people just like him, I understood somewhat of what was going on with him. Three years later he was killed in a car wreck. Those were 3 DIFFICULT years trying to cope with his injury. Without that experience professionally I am not sure how we would have coped. Ditto when my beloved mother in law had some strokes and started to hate me, I coped because I knew it was her injured brain not HER that hated me.
Coping with P son was helped by the experience I had at the time in the psych hospital with the kids, but it is only now, years later that that THERAPY THERE has helped me so sometimes it takes a good long while for the therapy to "sink in" and see some results of it.
I hope you are able to get through to your son, but I don't have a lot of "hope" that you can. Being prepared to let go is difficult, I understand that….but in retrospect, it was an option I never even considered when he was 17, and I should have. But, better late than never. I pray that if it comes to that that you can find PEACE by knowing that some things just aren't going to come out the way we want them to. THEY have CHOICES just like we do.
Ox,
I was prepared to let son number one go if I had too.
He is doing well, healthy and happy. I’m glad they did the psych eval, not once, but twice. Thoroughly. They don’t mess around with sex offenders. They saw right through the bullshit.
I’ve lived enough garbage in my life that I dont’ want to be bullshitted either. Just give it to me straight.
I won’t lie, Ox. It will be painful. Do I have hope? Sure I do, just like I did for son number one. It’s my child. I’m responsible for these children. And whatever is leashed upon society as a result.
But I’m no longer naive either.
If I have to let him go, I WILL let him go.
But it will hurt like absolute living hell.
IT will HURT like absolute living hell.
But I cannot be okay harboring a potential fugitive either, one that would go on to hurt others.
I know enough, that my children know right from wrong. They choose. I remember when I threw son One into therapy, even before it was court ordered or charges were filed. I’ll never forget the therapist he had, and the overwhelming guilt, trauma and sadness I felt at my son’s actions while he sat there and BLAMED ME for his acting out. “You’re Mom didn’t do SHIT to you, J. YOU DID IT! YOU ACTED OUT. YOU MADE THE CHOICE! DID YOUR MOM TEACH YOU RIGHT FROM WRONG?
“Yes”, he said,
“Then who the fucks fault IS THIS? IT”S YOURS, NOT HERS”
Then he looked at me and said, “LL, are your other kids sex offenders?” he asked, “No”, I said”.
“That’s right. Because you taught them right from wrong, don’t let this guy bullshit you into believing that HIS behavior is YOUR fault, if it was, ALL of your kids would be “sex offenders”.
Five out of six ain’t bad, ox, given the genetics. And the poor raising on my part.
I WILL let him go if I have too.
Just as I was son number one.
LL
Oxy,
I was at work Saturday. My coworker said her “ex” (been separated for five years!!!) and her were arguing and she said this: “he kicked the coffee out of my hand and then he choked me” I lept out of my chair! I gave her this website info and told her she could post not using her real name and gave her my screen name. Of course she knows my real name cause we work together.
I have not seen her post yet and I don’t have her phone number. I get a sense of dread that she has not posted yet…I’ll see her next Saturday and I don’t want to be too pushy but Geeezzz I’m worried. Any suggestions on how to get her here without being a nag about it. I’m scared for her. Thanks.
Dear Ana,
Well, you can BE sort of a nag….in a nice way….just tell her you are CONCERNED about her welfare that you are aware that the statistics are that men who are violent have a tendency to ramp up the violence as the woman start to regain her control (This is not trying to be sexist as violent women are that way too, but HER situation is HIS violence so just focus on her for now) Just focus on her being able to LEARN about how to deal with this by reading here. Be supportive and nag a bit but in a “concerned” way. Good luck. AND keep in mind that 85% of the victims don’t get it, so if she doesn’t get it right away just BE THERE for her in a non-judgmental way….believe me I fought the TRUTH for decades…even after I knew what my P son was.
Waiting for someone else to “get it” is frustrating I know—because WE have “gotten it” FINALLY we want everyone else to immediately get it and it doesn’t work that way. Having patience with others being slow to get it is something we must LEARN….and be patient with ourselves as well. (((hugs)))
Thank you Oxy. I will do as you advise here. I’ve never heard anyone say that before, I’ve read it here, but never actually heard it spoken. It was shocking!
Ana – Question – If someone told me to dive off a high cliff into a shallow pool to escape the beast pursuing me would I do it?
Answer probably not. Why? Because every fibre in my body would be screaming ‘NO don’t jump the fall will kill me’.
Same thing for your friend. She will be afraid to jump, to take the plunge.
Careful coaxing and TIME may be your best course of action.
Although you are screaming JUMP she CAN’T, she’s afraid of the unknown. So be patient. Hope this helps in some way.
Ana,
she is in a position just like we have all been: she doesn’t like it, but she doesn’t think it’s dangerous either because, after all, he is just a jerk, not a serial killer – right? What she would like is control and a way to get the upper hand. Tell her you know just the books she can read to “get it” and “win” against her ex.
But she won’t be receptive to anything about psychopaths, just like I was not receptive to “evil” when, at age 17, I read “people of the lie” by dr. scott peck. But the book, “why is it always about you?” allowed me to understand the profile of the narcissist and opened me to the truth before I had a chance to go into denial.
Buy her the book.