By Ox Drover
Recently on Lovefraud there have been several people who have talked about how their ex-significant others have been violent, and yet they still have strong feelings for these (mostly) men. The readers find it difficult to go “no contact” and refuse to listen to the pleas of these guys to get back with them.
Statistics show that more women are hurt or murdered at the time that they are breaking up with someone who has formerly been violent than at any other time. Breaking up with someone who is physically violent can be dangerous. Staying with someone who has proven they are physically dangerous and capable of violence is more dangerous.
Here are stories about an ex-cop Eddy Coello from New York who has been arrested after his wife was found strangled and dead. She was apparently not the only woman he hurt either.
Eddy Coello, ‘person of interest’ in wife’s murder, assaulted and terrorized me, ex Glory Perez says, on NYDailyNews.com
Ex-cop Eddy Coello arrested by NYPD police on day he skips murdered wife Tina Adovasio’s funeral, on NYDalyNews.com
Ex-NYPD cop Eddy Coello arraigned in wife Tina Adovasio’s murder, on CBSNews.com.
Not everyone who murders someone has been violent before the murder, but many times they have been. They have “worked up” to the murder, either with lesser violence or with posturing and threatening.
Murder is the ultimate form of control, the ultimate form of revenge. Sometimes it is planned well in advance, and sometimes it is an impulsive act—but whatever the situation, it is a final solution. Murder is something that can’t be made amends for. It is the end for the victim.
If you are associated with someone who is violent, get away from them. Stay away from them. Keep yourself and your children safe. Do whatever you must to to remain safe.
An excellent source of information on keeping safe is Dr. Sherry L. Meinberg’s book,Toxic Attention—Keeping Safe from Stalkers, Abusers and Intruders. Dr. Meinberg is personally acquainted with being abused and holds the record with the FBI for the number of years she was abused, beaten and stalked by her former husband, an extremely violent mental health patient. Whatever you do, however, don’t think for one moment, “It could never happen to me. S/he wouldn’t go that far.”
Candy,
Thanks for the input. I appreciate it. Yes, I think you are correct in that the WAY she said it so calm and in front of me and another woman. Her eyes popped open too. I think my friend is used to dealing with IT.
Yes, I will be very patient and careful not to push her. Like Oxy said just be there for her and you stated give her time. I do hope it sinks in for her sake.
Thanks Skylar,
I WILL get it for her. She may be afraid to blog cause he sneaks into her house and looks at what she’s been looking at on the computer. I’m almost afraid to get her phone number cause he’s probably monitoring that as well and I don’t want him to have my phone number. UGH
Ana – please take GREAT care not to compromise your own safety (and sanity).
I know I wanted to be like Superwoman and save spath’s next victim but I couldn’t and I had to ‘walk away’. It nearly cost me very dearly.
You are probably right about the phone monitoring. Take care.
LL I just read your post about the gun & after sex. Holy shit. That is not normal. Not at all. I’m so glad you’re free!
Sk,
Yea, it was SCARY for sure. Lots of things that I pushed away that were abnormal are now infiltrating my conscious mind.
I stayed way too long and put up with way too much shit.
LL
LL, Im just glad your still ALIVE!! WTF!! You just got out in time! I also escaped a violent alcoholic. I was badly bashed, and a friend looked after me, but i unwisely went back,{emotional blackmail from 3 spaths, my ex and both teenage daughters.} Took me another 2 years to FINALLY make the break, for real this time, and I didnt take the girls,-they didnt want to come anyway, they took their Dads side. They were 17 and 19 at the time, not babies.
Il tell you all about it sometime!
Just glad your safe!!
Love, GemXX{{{HUGS!!}}}
Mama Gem,
He had never pulled a gun on me before. Ever. He talked about guns on occasion and I knew he knew how to use one, but he never pulled it out on me like that..
Overall, he’s a coward, but at the time, I felt intense fear. It was an intimidation tactic as it was toward the end of the relationship and he was becoming increasingly demanding and abusive.
But that question in my mind lingers, had I stayed, would he have used it?
I didn’t want to wait to find out!
LL
To anyone on this site who thinks because he has not hit you or made a mark on you that he is not capable of it please understand the following –
VIOLENCE that ends in someone being dead is usually HIGHLY PREDICTABLE.
Everyone thinks they could not have seen it coming. IF you known what the progression from charming new guy to the guy who murdered his wife/child/girlfriend/relative/girlfriends’ relative/neighbor … (you get the picture) it is actually very easy to see.
1) Charms you. Either is a braggart or tells you a tale of woe is me and you are the best only greatest etc….
2) Starts to find little things about you not right – criticisms of small things.
3) Displays violence towards others – punches holes in walls, intimidates people while driving aggressively, throws things to express displeasure, slams doors – all displays of aggression to let you know subtly that if you cross the line with him this too could be turned on you.
4) Verbal attacks, disparaging remarks not based in reality, picks fights to upset you – get you off center.
5) Pushes you, trips you “accidentally”, locks you in or out, takes your car keys, hides your wallet, touches you inappropriately or when you don’t want to be – ie: upsets you and then demands a kiss to prove he is in control of your body.
…. Ladies I cannot stress enough how you should google and memorize the progression – you can find it in the book I keep recommending by Lundy Bancroft (you’d think I would be getting a commission on that thing but boy is it an eye opener.) “Angry Controlling Men…”
Anyone who says – he never touched me, he didn’t do this or that – well if he has done any of the above and you have stayed he knows he can up the ante and go further – he is TRAINING YOU to accept the threat of physical violence. He is training you to comply with his demands. When I woke up to the fact that the man I was seeing was capable of killing me I had to continue to suffer more abuse while I piece by piece moved items out of the house and set myself up to be safe. He actually attempted to take me hostage twice – once as he was being hauled to jail. Make no mistake – on that occasion had killing me been required to get himself free he would have. He also tried to scare me in the car on more than one occasion. I am ashamed I ever let there be more than one occasion but there it is – the truth is I did. Any one of those extra occasions I could have been killed. My children would have been motherless. I would not live to smell another rose, hold my childrens’ hands or kiss them as they sleep, to see a beautiful sunset, eat a terrific meal , laugh with friends or stretch in the morning in my warm soft bed, walk my dog who is obsessed with me in the healthiest of ways – you get the picture.
Stay safe ladies. DO NOT DELUDE YOURSELVES. Teach your children.
(Men – same goes for you – I know woman on make violence is under-reported. People think this is a male-female power thing – it is a power thing alright but it is about disordered personalities more than it is about any political nonsense.)
I have to edit and add one thing – I thought I understood him, knew him on such a deep level and that he loved me so that although he might be rough he would never kill me. I was absolutely wrong on all assumptions. I was stupid not perceptive, I was in love with a ghost that only existed in my mind – like a character in a film that isn’t real but he has thrown up on the screen of my mind and convinced me exists… In the end it was like stumbling from an unsettling and dark movie in a theatre into the light of day – I’m still blinking and sorting myself out years later and grateful for the light.
Well, i experienced 2,4 and of 5 the lock in his apartment for a couple of hours. And of course a few other wierd things.
I knew at that point i was with an abnormal because i started feeling fear and sadness. It’s very difficult to believe at the beginning that somebody who seemed so charming and special at the beginning was not only playing a role but hiding a total sinister personality. It’s something so incredible that i, till certain degree, understand who hasn’t experienced it can’t understand it completely, because they can’t feel it.
Dear Breckgirl,
Thank you for adding to my warning article!!! There cannot be too many voices raised to underscore just how dangerous these wo/men are—you know I always think about Laci Petersen and I wonder how Scott abused her BEFORE the day he killed her. I have NO DOUBT thAt though all her family and friends thought they were the PERFECT COUPLE–that BEHIND CLOSED DOORs things were NOT SO ROSY! There were some kind of flags but whether or not Laci recognized them as what they were, I would bet the farm they were there.