By Ox Drover
Recently on Lovefraud there have been several people who have talked about how their ex-significant others have been violent, and yet they still have strong feelings for these (mostly) men. The readers find it difficult to go “no contact” and refuse to listen to the pleas of these guys to get back with them.
Statistics show that more women are hurt or murdered at the time that they are breaking up with someone who has formerly been violent than at any other time. Breaking up with someone who is physically violent can be dangerous. Staying with someone who has proven they are physically dangerous and capable of violence is more dangerous.
Here are stories about an ex-cop Eddy Coello from New York who has been arrested after his wife was found strangled and dead. She was apparently not the only woman he hurt either.
Eddy Coello, ‘person of interest’ in wife’s murder, assaulted and terrorized me, ex Glory Perez says, on NYDailyNews.com
Ex-cop Eddy Coello arrested by NYPD police on day he skips murdered wife Tina Adovasio’s funeral, on NYDalyNews.com
Ex-NYPD cop Eddy Coello arraigned in wife Tina Adovasio’s murder, on CBSNews.com.
Not everyone who murders someone has been violent before the murder, but many times they have been. They have “worked up” to the murder, either with lesser violence or with posturing and threatening.
Murder is the ultimate form of control, the ultimate form of revenge. Sometimes it is planned well in advance, and sometimes it is an impulsive act—but whatever the situation, it is a final solution. Murder is something that can’t be made amends for. It is the end for the victim.
If you are associated with someone who is violent, get away from them. Stay away from them. Keep yourself and your children safe. Do whatever you must to to remain safe.
An excellent source of information on keeping safe is Dr. Sherry L. Meinberg’s book,Toxic Attention—Keeping Safe from Stalkers, Abusers and Intruders. Dr. Meinberg is personally acquainted with being abused and holds the record with the FBI for the number of years she was abused, beaten and stalked by her former husband, an extremely violent mental health patient. Whatever you do, however, don’t think for one moment, “It could never happen to me. S/he wouldn’t go that far.”
Far,
THat is the biggest mindfuck ever, as far as I’m concerned.
Pretending that it never happened. That made me so crazy yet I adjusted to it. It also increased my anxiety levels monumentally because I never knew when the next outburst would happen.
The next act of impulsiveness.
The next act of verbal abuse. I just never knew when it was coming. He could be disarming one minute, funny then an absolute cold hearted bastard the next.
I have whiplash!
LL
And four months out, I’m still dealing with the pain and anxiety, still unraveling all the many knots in my head, but I AM beginning to notice the difference in that my anxiety levels have dropped because I’m not dealing with it everyday, they’re just morphed into something else now.
It’s going to be awhile.
LL
Yes, it hurts doesn’t it??? Just walking on egg shells not knowing what you are going get or I should say WHO you are going to get day to day. I remember the first time it happedned to me and the look in his eyes as he proceeded to curse me and ball up his fist like I was another man. I am only % feet nothing and he was 6’3″….I did not know what was going to happen next. Thankfully, he never punched me just tossed me around but had his friend not been there who knows what would have happened.
Also, what is so confusing is how someone could be so loving and gentle the night before and turn into this monster the day after. Its weird
Mysmys;
Get your cash, keep it as cash. No CC’s.
Take a bus/train to another State…..THEN apply for a name change.
As Oxy suggests…no utilities, no paper trail.
Prepaid.
Prepaid Visa from seven eleven or Wallmarts for any CC necessities.
Put in a change of address to your post office GENERAL DELIVERY from your former address…..ASAP! Have a DV shelter pick up your general delivery mail if you don’t feel safe to do so.
Never leave a forwarding address.
NEVER contact him.
Never contact your room mates or anyone else you think MAY have contact with him.
Get a PAK MAIL or POSTAL EXPRESS mailbox in a city FAR away……or a far away state. They can forward anonymously to any address for a small fee.
It sounds as if he has a key stroke logger on your computer.
WIPE IT CLEAN…..or get a new computer and be certain you only open attachments from trusted peeps.
He knows too much about you.
Change ALL passwords……capitals, letters and numbers…..NEVER birthdates or initials or address/phone numbers……and change them ALL often. Don’t have all acounts with one password either…..separate passwords.
Even after you change your name, pick an alias…..go by that to ‘common’ folk…..and keep your legal name private for only legal issues. Pick a name you can switch around and use initials when it suits you……it keeps you less searchable on the web.
Like Pamela Jane Smith. PJ Smith…..JP smith. JIPS, Pammy, Pam……Janey……Janes, smitty…you get the pic.
There is not a big reason to have banking these days.
Keep it all cash.
NEVER GIVE OUT YOUR SOCIAL S #. To anyone.
The easiest way to search for someone is through criminal or mortgage/property records……..you don’t own property, so your a leg up.
When you rent a place eventually, in your new ‘home’……go hrough CL, or privately……not through a realtor. No credit check etc……if they require one…..talk your way out of one.
You must think like a spath to avoid harm by a spath…….
VET your inner circle……if you don’t 10000% trust someone…..don’t let them ‘in’.
You have to reduce your inner circle to -0- then rebuild it slowly…….one person at a time.
Commit to your personal safety……and believe you can accomplish ANYTHING!
It’s work….but you’ve come this far……..
Good luck to you.
EB
Dear EB, I’ve missed you girlfriend! I hope you are doing well, are you still living in the old house? Spring has sprung here and am getting outside more and doing more! But sure do miss your posts!
Great advice to mysmys—oh, BTW the book if you can order it, MYSMYS is “The Bogeyman Stalking and its aftermath” by Dr. Sherry L. Meinberg. She was stalked for 40 years by her first two husbands one a mental patient and the next a psychopath….and she is one hell of a woman. Educated herself, and kept herself safe back when even the cops wouldn’t help at all even when she was bleeding and broken bones right in front of them.
Keeping the paper trail down is the best way to stay “hidden” in plain sight.
National Coalition agasinst domestic viiolence, PO box 34103 Washbington DC 20043-4103 phone 202-638-6388
National Organization for Victim Assistance nova@access.digex.net phone 800-879-6682 (these addresses are from her book so may not be current, but google survivors of stalking,
Also Rape,Abuse and Incest National Network RAINN) National Organization for Women, Second Amendment Sisters, Inc, and Survivors of Stalking http://www.soshelp.org/
There is help out there, find it, get SAFE ASAP!
Oxy….
I’ve been processing so much…..and yes, i’m still in the gad damn house.
I’ve been house sitting and bear sitting all winter as I camp in this thing!!!
Whateva!!!
And yes…..today….we got snow!
There are brighter days ahead…..
Got a judge to sign the deed….and just ‘found’ spathy again…..and HE”S GOT A JOB!!!!! HAHAHAHA…….he’s now in another TOTALLY different state than his ‘usual’ five…..and nowhere NEAR the tropics!
I’m sure attorney said…..dude….get a friggen job….or I can’t defend you.
BTW…..what exactly do you claim to do for a living…..which pays my attorneys fees??????
FISHY!
He’s making min. wage…..(sorry….LOL).
Anywho…….I hope your all well…..and moving along in the journey of life.
Dearest LL, Ive been on LF for almost 2 years now, and Im ONLY JUST starting to come out of the FOG!!{Fear Obligation, and Guilt.} It took a long time for the spaths in our lives to slime us, and its going to take a while to unslime ourselves. For myself, I think it took 2 YEARS MINIMUM to even START to feel friggin normal!
2 years ago I was so tied up in knots, I was swimming along that famous river “De-Nile”,{denial,} I was even getting enraged by onesay’ s” F–ing andBlinding”, and now Im worse than she is with swearing!Im sograteful no-one said I wasa Hypocrite, I think they all realised I was
stir crazy!!GUILT was my worst thing, FALSE guilt my horrible spath daughters had slimed me with.And I believed them that I was an unfit Mother! No I wasnt!!But I bought it!!And boy! Did they ever cash in on my false guilt!
The Eliz Kuhbler-Ross stages of grief,-I think weve all been thru them, back and forth, denial, sadness, bargaining, rage, pity,{for the spath}anger, disbelief, on and on, back and forward. but it does TAKE TIME and we are GETTING healed slowly.I have bad days, and then I remember, I use d to have BAD YEARS!! {With my 3 former spaths in my life, my ex, and my 2 girls.}
The anger took me the longest to arrive at, its like I was afraid to feel anger. When it finally came out it was like Vesuvius erupting!!Dont want to stay there, and I DONT want to be bitter, I want to be better, LOL!!
Oxy, EB, hens, Kathy,Silvermoon,so many people helped me SO MUCH! Now I want to try to pass on a bit of the loving help that was given to me. I was pretty well dam stir crazy when I first found LF,still crazy, but more in a good way now, I hope!I was a total BASKET CASE,when I first came on LF, and Im getting better, slowly.
LL, its OK to feel sad, the spaths CANT feel genuine emotion its all play acting.At least we CAN feel!
{{HUGS!!}}
Mama GemXX
Also, I meant to say, HI, EB!! GLAD YOUR BACK!!
Missed you,GF!!
Love,
Mama GemXX
Hi MamaG;
🙂
XXOO
EB