Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
By Shocknawe
As a fellow victim of a spath, I’ve been both heartened and heartbroken by the stories told on Lovefraud. Also, like many of us here, I have a natural inclination to feel for others and to do what I can to support and assist in whatever way I can to help ease others’ difficulties that’s a key reason we were targeted in the first place, isn’t it? My experience has caused me to try to understand the nature of suffering and what can be done about it. So if the members will indulge me, I’d like to share some thoughts that have come to me as I continue to process, and perhaps help those on a similar path.
In the immediate aftermath of the trauma of victimization, there is a palpable shock, a disorientation and confusion a feeling of suddenly being lost, without direction or meaning in our life. Combined with the actual physical trauma to our bodies, this period can be at turns, agonizing and terrifying. It is completely natural to seek relief from such pain and torment as quickly as possible in whatever way we think will work, and so we often become consumed by the urge to escape our misery; we may spend our entire lives in this search. We try to escape the pain in countless ways through analysis, trying to make sense of the senseless, or through some authority, or conversation with those close to us who may impart some perspective or rationale that will ease our minds, or simply through distractions of every sort to just help us get through our days and nights. (Hopefully, this does not include harmful alcohol or drugs.)
What these and other forms of relief-seeking share, and which we all understandably engage in, is a common thread: a belief that if we do something, we will bring about the end of our suffering, even if only temporarily, and restore to ourselves a sense of normalcy, before the storm. We in the West have a cultural bias towards self-determinacy in the face of adversity, and we are heavily conditioned by that culture to act.
I’d like to suggest a contrary approach for consideration to those currently dealing with our particular brand of anguish and misery.
The constant searching for escape from our pain is like digging in the earth again and again, in the hope we’ll harvest the fruit that offers the nourishment we yearn for. Maybe in a time of profound distress, what we really need is just the opposite: to cultivate receptivity and stillness, to simply provide the rich soil in order for peace to take root.
Rather than actively seeking escape, perhaps, as unnatural as it may feel to us, we need to be inactive to become inwardly quiet and allow the opportunity to focus on the purification of our hearts and minds. Instead of filling every moment with outward activity, chatter and escape, we could benefit from the solitude our situation forces upon us to create a space inside in which to heal. Through subsequent acceptance and openness, we become receptive to assistance from those aspects of our nature that have our best interests at heart, for some a Higher Power, which brings peace. In short, we don’t find it by actively searching, the relief we seek finds us when we create the space through stillness to allow it to happen. Not the space of a “time out,” but the eternal space we cover up and which is inside us all the time underneath our “lives.”
It may be that the infinite forms our searches for solutions to our suffering take, are in fact no more than escapes dressed in productive activity. Paradoxically, perhaps by dropping our active urge to find peace, and becoming quiet and receptive, we consent to allowing peace to find us.
moveingon
Hens, my brother S is gay, lost his partner A in June, he is in bits ..true love, S is 51, A was 81 when he died, they had been together for 15 years.
So darling, whatever age you are, true love is out there. When A was dying he told S ‘go find someone to love again’. A was buried in the same grave as his previous partner, my son read the eulogy, my daughter the reading, a special funeral in a quiet churchyard in Yorkshire, sun shinning bit of a tit of a disapproving vicar!
So, S is distraught, crying everyday, but A lost his partner after 30 years together and then found my brother, they bickered forever, S was a veggie, A was not ..guess who won! A, bless him, always said something lovely about anyone, ‘you look nice today’, ‘what a lovely jacket’ ..he he told S ‘why not, it makes that person happy and I mean it anyway’.
A week before he died, I visited, his first words ‘what a lovely dress’, whether he meant it or not, did not matter, a lovely kind man.
S I ring every night he is lost, A knew he was loved, age is no barrier, they just loved each other. A showed me lots of gay meet photos from the 50/60’s when it was ‘illegal’, what struck me was how wonderful everyone looked, suit, jacket and tie ..and A was always well attired, even in a gay club in Manchester (UK) when the rest were out of their heads on drugs. A, smiled, in his jacket and tie.
My family loved him, my children, so yes there are shallow ‘gays’ but not all.
It’s just like the ‘hetro world’, but I have taken a leaf out of A’s book, and now when I see someone, who looks lovely I say ‘that’s a lovely dress’, ‘a great shirt’, because I mean it. What is great is you can see that person’s face lighten ..as my wonderful mother said ‘if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all’.
So, for all those people out there in Lovefraud land, part of my healing is to acknowledge 3 things everyday, someone who just smiles ..I don’t mean becoming a nutter ..but part of my healing has been acknowledging how wonderful other people are.
I said to a lady at work last week, ‘you look really stunning in that dress’, she told me ‘I bought this dress because you told me the label, my husband says I look ten years younger’. So, I got pleasure from that ..being nice ..(we all know spaths don’t get this thing) but we can end up giving back happiness, even a smile.
I felt like I was ‘me’ again. To make my point (I know I am boring you all), but I was thinking about the lady at work, walking to my car, smiling I guess, when a bloke in a van, leaned out of his window, and said ‘good morning gorgeous’ and whistled ..I am 50′.
So my mantra, not just to be kind to myself, but try to be kind to others!
Hens, my brother is so lonely, I can see some car crashes coming, the gay community can be cruel …I do understand the predators are circling already, xxx
sarahsmile
Good morning, all… Thank you SO MUCH for all of your thoughtful responses to my posts the other night. They mean so much. I don’t have any friends left who will listen to any of this, and I totally get it. I have the day to myself to read through this site, and reflect, and further disassociate and detach from him. My cheerful aloofness is confusing to him: he swings from wounded puppy to asshole with no warning. Today is his birthday. This is all very crappy timing. I am trying to stay calm today and figure out whether or not I want to go through the obligatory motions — go out on a high note, so to speak.
I can relate to so many of the stories on here, of course; but of course, mine is also so different. I’m not really sure where to post it. Just on any of the threads?
Louise
sarahsmile:
Yep, you can post your story on any thread. Right here would be perfect! 🙂
MoonDancer
Dear Movingon – Thank you so much for sharing that story, I bet you did not bore one person. And your right, I try to smile at people, say hello or good morning, compliment when I can, or wave at people while driving …to alot of people a simple smile can set the tone for the whole day, just like your above post made me smile and gives me hope that – somewhere out there……
Hope to heal
Movingon ~ I was not bored at all. It was a nice story you shared.
Hens ~ when the time is right, you will find him. 🙂 your smiles always brighten the day!
Ox Drover
While I know the “right person” can add to our happiness, I also know that we must be happy within ourselves not “when the right person comes along” or “when I get the job I want” or the “car I want” because EVERYTHING is constantly changing, the job goes south or the person leaves or dies, or the car quits….our happiness must come from INSIDE OURSELVES and then IF we find a similar happy person to share that with it is wonderful, but our happiness needs to be based INSIDE OURSELVES. THAT is ALL that truly lasts.
MoonDancer
h2h 🙂
Louise
Oxy is right. I think I have just decided that if I can’t or don’t end up making myself happy, I will just agree that I am going to be unhappy and be happy with that! 🙂
Louise
Hens:
It will be alright, dear. You’ll see… 🙂
Ox Drover
Louise I had a great husband and when he died suddenly in an accident I felt so ALONE, lonely, undesirable and felt I would never again have love….woe was me! Poor me! So I hooked up with the first psychopath that wandered by! Now, I realize FINALLY that I do not need someone else to make me happy, I only need to love myself…so if I am fortunate and find another happy person to share my happiness with, GREAT! if not, that’s GREAT TOO because I am happy anyway. MY CHOICE. So far all I have found “available” are LOSERS, but I will not have one of those for a bet! I need an miserable person WHY? NOT!!!!