Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
By Shocknawe
As a fellow victim of a spath, I’ve been both heartened and heartbroken by the stories told on Lovefraud. Also, like many of us here, I have a natural inclination to feel for others and to do what I can to support and assist in whatever way I can to help ease others’ difficulties that’s a key reason we were targeted in the first place, isn’t it? My experience has caused me to try to understand the nature of suffering and what can be done about it. So if the members will indulge me, I’d like to share some thoughts that have come to me as I continue to process, and perhaps help those on a similar path.
In the immediate aftermath of the trauma of victimization, there is a palpable shock, a disorientation and confusion a feeling of suddenly being lost, without direction or meaning in our life. Combined with the actual physical trauma to our bodies, this period can be at turns, agonizing and terrifying. It is completely natural to seek relief from such pain and torment as quickly as possible in whatever way we think will work, and so we often become consumed by the urge to escape our misery; we may spend our entire lives in this search. We try to escape the pain in countless ways through analysis, trying to make sense of the senseless, or through some authority, or conversation with those close to us who may impart some perspective or rationale that will ease our minds, or simply through distractions of every sort to just help us get through our days and nights. (Hopefully, this does not include harmful alcohol or drugs.)
What these and other forms of relief-seeking share, and which we all understandably engage in, is a common thread: a belief that if we do something, we will bring about the end of our suffering, even if only temporarily, and restore to ourselves a sense of normalcy, before the storm. We in the West have a cultural bias towards self-determinacy in the face of adversity, and we are heavily conditioned by that culture to act.
I’d like to suggest a contrary approach for consideration to those currently dealing with our particular brand of anguish and misery.
The constant searching for escape from our pain is like digging in the earth again and again, in the hope we’ll harvest the fruit that offers the nourishment we yearn for. Maybe in a time of profound distress, what we really need is just the opposite: to cultivate receptivity and stillness, to simply provide the rich soil in order for peace to take root.
Rather than actively seeking escape, perhaps, as unnatural as it may feel to us, we need to be inactive to become inwardly quiet and allow the opportunity to focus on the purification of our hearts and minds. Instead of filling every moment with outward activity, chatter and escape, we could benefit from the solitude our situation forces upon us to create a space inside in which to heal. Through subsequent acceptance and openness, we become receptive to assistance from those aspects of our nature that have our best interests at heart, for some a Higher Power, which brings peace. In short, we don’t find it by actively searching, the relief we seek finds us when we create the space through stillness to allow it to happen. Not the space of a “time out,” but the eternal space we cover up and which is inside us all the time underneath our “lives.”
It may be that the infinite forms our searches for solutions to our suffering take, are in fact no more than escapes dressed in productive activity. Paradoxically, perhaps by dropping our active urge to find peace, and becoming quiet and receptive, we consent to allowing peace to find us.
Shocknawe:
You bring up a valid point in your article to which I’d like to add a little personal gloss.
After I finally drove off my S-ex (I use this term for sociopathic ex, rather than ex-S since no sociopath can be cured and become an ex-sociopath), my self-esteem was lower than whale sh*t on the ocean floor. After all, why wouldn’t it be? For 15 months th S-ex catalogued, on a daily basis my every single, fault, imperfection, crimes against humanity, etc etc ad nauseum. And considering I grew up with a malignant N mother and S father that really took some doing on his part. When I fnally got rid of him, I told him that he should send my parents a thank you card for preparing me so well for him. Of course, the reality was far better than how he portrayed me to myself. I’m told I’m a good looking man. I’m a successful professional, and while not rich have enough bucks in the bank to see me through a rough patch.
In any case, after S-ex was gone, I realized I deserved better, and then I did what so many on this site do – I promptly went out seeking a new relationship because I was so desperate for an outside ego fix and for somebody who found me sexually desirable – because yes, like so many of you, my S-ex, after 3 months of good sex up front, then began the withholding game.
Long story short, I met a really handsome guy who thought I was hotter than hell in July. The sex was amazing. The attention was flattering. Within 6 weeks we went to Puerto Rico on vacation – and that was when I realized that I was repeating my old pattern. After the vacation from hell, I arrived home and texted him one word – “arrived”. And I never spoke to him again.
At that point a friend of mine told me point blank – “I am sick and tired of watching you waste your time on these “remodelling projects”. If you want to remodel something, buy a house – at least it will pay off in the end.” Before I could buy the house, a few weeks later I lost my job and my health gave out.
The blessing in that was now I finally had plenty of time to sit there and start thinking and processing. I read “Without Conscience”. I read “The Sociopath Next Door”. I read “Betrayal Bond.”
I now had somewhat of a grasp on WHAT happened to me. I still didn’t have a handle on WHY this happened to me. Then I came across “If You Had Controlling Parents” by Dan Neuharth. That book changed my life because I finally understood how my parents conditioned me to tolerate unacceptable behavior, and now I could understand exactly how the betrayal bond was formed.
I used the next 6 months focusing on me. It was the first time in my life that I put myself number 1. I didn’t give a damn about anyone else’s needs – I needed to sit quietly and do nothing so I could focus on healing myself.
Six months later I finally had a grasp on the how, when, what and why the relationship with the S-ex, and so many other abusive personalities had happened to me. I also had a really clear idea on not only what I was entitled to expect and demand from others, but what I wanted in a relationship and why I had never gotten it.
And when I was ready to back into the dating world I got lucky. Ditto finding a new job after a year out of work. I did a lot of thinking about what I wanted and what I was and wasn’t willing to tolerate.
So, Shocknawe – I agree with you wholeheartedly. I’m not big on the concept of higher powers, to be honest, because in my experience people often turn in that direction rather than taking self-directed action to change their circumstance. But, I do agree with you that a person needs to cut out all the external noise and be quiet and turn the focus within. Because, in my experience, until you do that and tune into yourself, you are doomed to keep doing the same thing over and over – the definition of insanity.
Dear Matt,
“Spirituality” is that turning inward—regardless of what your “religion” is or even if you have a “higher power” or not—and I find that there is no way we CAN heal without that SPIRITUAL part of us being contacted and healed as well.
I have frequently told and will continue to tell people how the book by Dr. Viktor Frankl “man’s Search for Meaning” which he wrote after he had been in the Nazi death/slave camps changed my way of looking at pain and trauma. He was not a religious man but he found that the SPIRITUAL aspect of people around him in that camp determined if they died, lived and became bitter, or lived and HEALED. It was that small volume that made me see that the spiritual aspect of our healing, that turning inward and FINDING MEANING no matter how terrible our conditions, or how hard our wounding has been. BELIEVING in something, believing in ourselves…believing in a moral compass, all that is part of our healing.
BTW Matt, I want to say I have missed you a LOT here lately, glad to see you back. I hope you continue to stop by and don’t stay away so long! Your above post is quite on the mark. ((hugs)))
“For five solid years I was held in captivity inside my own mind, almost 24/7 by not only my thoughts but by him, physically and mentally. And while there, I was abused over and over again and I accepted it because I thought I was struggling with someone to find themselves. It didn’t work out that way. It was trying to harm me because of it’s jealousy.”
I’ve been reading this blog for hours, processing, trying to slog through all the sludge in my head. This thread — and in particular, the above passage — resonated with me the most. Stillness would be a welcome respite right now! I’m not ready to post my story just yet… still processing and not entirely unconvinced that I’M the sociopath, as he tells me. Wow. What have I become, and where did the “old me” go?
I’m very grateful to have found this resource. I hope to be able to contribute soon.
Dear Sarahsmile,
Welcome to LoveFraud, and I’m glad that you have found this site. If he is trying to convince you that YOU are the socioipath, that is called PROJECTION and almost guarantees that HE is the S, and not you. If you were a Sociopath, you would not even WONDER if you were. Or care. So almost by definition you are NOT guilty.
Anyway, keep on reading. Knowledge is power and there is a great deal of knowledge here archived in the old articles. And lots of current support.
Again, welcome and God bless.
Shocknawe – Your description ( palpable shock, disorientation and confusion – a feeling of suddenly being lost, without direction or meaning in our life ) oh wow, you described that so true. I have healed, but never will I ever forget that horrible feeling of loss, even to this very day I feel a loss, nothing compared to the way it was the first year or so but still it was a loss of who I was.
Your analogy of digging in the soil – well digging in the dirt has always brought me peace ( avid gardener ) when I plant things or make a new fish pond with a stream and water fall, I just imagine what things will look like a year from now or 5 years from now, digging in the dirt is my therapy and connection to the universe…
I suppose all this happened for a reason, I have always been a lover of solotude and peace and quite , in touch with nature…yes quite with myself is a good place..I have finally been able to turn down the volume of the past, enuff so to enjoy the present and look forward to tomorrow…
Thank you for this very very touching article……
sarahsmile- that’s a classic spath maneuver ( Right out of the Psychopath’s Handbook, as we like to say here. ). we can call it projection, turning the tables, whatever… they’re trying to put all their slime on you. Don’t have it. You are not a sociopath. If you decide to indeed contribute, I am looking forward to hearing your story. ((hugs)) and welcome. Hope you feel safe and understood here.
Welcome Sarahsmile – What a lovely username or handle, you have found a great place here..
Dear Ox Drover,
Your post made me laugh. Thanks for that, and thanks for the warm welcome! I am no shrinking violet, nor am I a stranger to from-the-hip armchair psych analysis; and cannot tell you how many times I have yelled at him, “You’re projecting!!!” This is met with either a blank stare, or if I’m lucky, a shrug of his shoulders. Any crumb of a reaction, you know…
Jeez Louise, what a mindf**k I’m emerging from. I’ve lost so much time, so much money, so many friends. I’ve wasted years. I’m really pissed. I’m hoping this site will arm me with the tools I need to keep him from drawing me back in. His is a most insidious form of manipulation. The thing that pisses me off the most? He would say the same about me.
My mom (who is no stranger to dysfunctional relationships) says there will come the AHA! moment when I won’t care about his sob stories. I won’t care who wins. I won’t care who he moves onto next. Intellectually, I know she’s right; but as I stated before, I’m too angry to not care right now.
AND, I feel really guilty for writing any of this. What if I’m the bad person? What if it IS all my fault? Is that normal? Did you all go through a phase where you comb over everything and try to cop to your complicity? I don’t feel like a victim. I come from “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” people. I just can’t believe that this man I put all my faith and hopes and dreams and beliefs about love and life and teamwork and forever togetherness into is in all actuality a not very good person. After all, *I* wouldn’t choose a bad person. But I think he is.
Two recent examples. I just have to put them in writing.
Him (after a few days without sex, due to schedules and extenuating circumstances): If I wanted to live a life where I wasn’t getting laid, I’d go back to my ex. She hasn’t been laid in years. I bet that sh*t is so tight.
AND
Him (after I questioned why he showed up three hours late): You’re pretty, but you’re not pretty enough to put up with this bullsh*t.
And I just stare and shake my head, incredulous. I’m an educated, attractive woman. How did I get involved with such a crass, disrespectful CHILD? How was I not smart enough to see all of this from the beginning? The rampant racism, the entitlement, the sex addiction, the misogyny, the total disregard for rules and societal norms. How did I think all of this was okay?
Blech. Off topic… Inactivity. I like it. I was heavily involved in energy work and deep into yoga and meditation when he came along. He ridiculed all of it, and I let him steal all of my beliefs and joy. I threatened him. I threatened him because I was so strong. That’s what I have to keep believing. Right?
Sarahsmile,
(My head is shaking here) TOTAL PROJECTION, total slime bucket! Totally trying to place blame on you for “not being good enough” so that you will try harder. BULLOCKS!!!!!! Who died and made him God or king?
NO CONTACT….is the only known method of keeping them at bay long enough for us to start to heal. NO contact, zip, zero, zilch, nil, no phone calls no texts, no reading his face book….and you are doing yourself a favor it is like cutting out a boil or a cancer, you are not going to be able to heal until you do it. But you can do it because being away from him will let the lies and the projections he has thrown your way start to quiet down in your mind. Keep on reading! Post your story when you feel the urge, we’re pretty laid back here.
sarahsmiles said :
You’re feeling doubtful at the moment, right? Well I can tell you, right off the bat after reading that statement there is NO doubt in my mind the guy you were involved with is a psychopath ( Not that I doubted it even for a second earlier, but this just puts the icing on the cake ). That is so classic spath- it’s really mind-blogging… they ARE really all the same!