Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
By Shocknawe
As a fellow victim of a spath, I’ve been both heartened and heartbroken by the stories told on Lovefraud. Also, like many of us here, I have a natural inclination to feel for others and to do what I can to support and assist in whatever way I can to help ease others’ difficulties that’s a key reason we were targeted in the first place, isn’t it? My experience has caused me to try to understand the nature of suffering and what can be done about it. So if the members will indulge me, I’d like to share some thoughts that have come to me as I continue to process, and perhaps help those on a similar path.
In the immediate aftermath of the trauma of victimization, there is a palpable shock, a disorientation and confusion a feeling of suddenly being lost, without direction or meaning in our life. Combined with the actual physical trauma to our bodies, this period can be at turns, agonizing and terrifying. It is completely natural to seek relief from such pain and torment as quickly as possible in whatever way we think will work, and so we often become consumed by the urge to escape our misery; we may spend our entire lives in this search. We try to escape the pain in countless ways through analysis, trying to make sense of the senseless, or through some authority, or conversation with those close to us who may impart some perspective or rationale that will ease our minds, or simply through distractions of every sort to just help us get through our days and nights. (Hopefully, this does not include harmful alcohol or drugs.)
What these and other forms of relief-seeking share, and which we all understandably engage in, is a common thread: a belief that if we do something, we will bring about the end of our suffering, even if only temporarily, and restore to ourselves a sense of normalcy, before the storm. We in the West have a cultural bias towards self-determinacy in the face of adversity, and we are heavily conditioned by that culture to act.
I’d like to suggest a contrary approach for consideration to those currently dealing with our particular brand of anguish and misery.
The constant searching for escape from our pain is like digging in the earth again and again, in the hope we’ll harvest the fruit that offers the nourishment we yearn for. Maybe in a time of profound distress, what we really need is just the opposite: to cultivate receptivity and stillness, to simply provide the rich soil in order for peace to take root.
Rather than actively seeking escape, perhaps, as unnatural as it may feel to us, we need to be inactive to become inwardly quiet and allow the opportunity to focus on the purification of our hearts and minds. Instead of filling every moment with outward activity, chatter and escape, we could benefit from the solitude our situation forces upon us to create a space inside in which to heal. Through subsequent acceptance and openness, we become receptive to assistance from those aspects of our nature that have our best interests at heart, for some a Higher Power, which brings peace. In short, we don’t find it by actively searching, the relief we seek finds us when we create the space through stillness to allow it to happen. Not the space of a “time out,” but the eternal space we cover up and which is inside us all the time underneath our “lives.”
It may be that the infinite forms our searches for solutions to our suffering take, are in fact no more than escapes dressed in productive activity. Paradoxically, perhaps by dropping our active urge to find peace, and becoming quiet and receptive, we consent to allowing peace to find us.
Ox Drover
Sarah smile,
“He has a KEY and a Garage door opener”
LOCK THAT DOOR IN THE GARAGE SO THE OPENER DOESN’T WORK. NOW, TODAY!!!!! There should be a way you can do that on most garage door openers, unplug it from power if nothing else.
Call a lock smith and GET THE LOCKS ON YOUR HOUSE CHANGED, IMMEDIATELY!
Do not go to sleep in a house he has a key to. If you can’t get a lock smith out today to change the locks, block the door with something heavy or a chair under the knob.
If this guy has RAGES and you are afraid of making him madder, PROTECT YOURSELF…..
Goldn68
Shocknawe,
I went NC almost immediately after, my socio ex and I had been discussing wedding plans, he advertises on craigslist, marries her and 3 days later breaks up with me. At first I was hurt, then I was like Oh no you didn’t, for the most part I was NC for 4 months now, but every now and again I would send a blasting email about what a dirtbag he is and this and that, pure anger and rage on my part…his new wife, who is also a socio (go figure, a female him) now threatens me via email, of which I am not frightened, rather amused actually that they take time out of their day to do this, I think its out of the fact that they both have now been exposed for what they are. They live 3000 miles away and I have a new address, so I keep on reporting them to various agencies. I am not afraid of either of them, besides I believe in my 2nd Amendment rights anyway *laughing*
Anyhow, I got off topic, other than a few anger emails, I have been NC. I have found a new and wonderful spiritual path that I am following now, and it is wonderful. But initially mine was yoga, meditation, long walks as being outdoors really helped me. I have enough control at this point now to push his thoughts out of my head and replacing them with wonderful thoughts, of the future.
maybe this helps, I dunno…I hope so as I have garnered so much help from this site just from lurking and reading.
KatyDid
SarahSmile
Wow. I just got you. You are waiting for someone else to tell you what to do. TELL YOURSELF! You know better than we do. So you are going to let him chose how /when to use you?
By itself, Grey rock Alone doesn’t work when he’s determined to take and control. Going FULL grey rock also mean severing HIS access to you. However, If you can’t figure out how to file a police report, get a restraining order, change locks and reprogram a garage door control, or make the calls to get your local answers, then that’s just an excuse and… no words will change your passive passive behavior.
I think you’ve chosen to leave it all up to him. That’s very sad.
Take care. I hope you really do… take care.
sarahsmile
KatyDid,
My realization that I can no longer deny who this person is, it is DAYS old. I think my first post stated that I felt like I was emerging from a fog. I had a lot invested in this relationship, and if it makes me “passive passive” to be unable to make clear, life-changing decisions at the snap of a finger, then I guess I can add that to the laundry list of names I already call myself. I thought this was a place for support and help, not shaming.
I am perfectly capable of figuring out how to file a police report and get a restraining order. He has done nothing to warrant either of those actions. Police reports are not filed based on hunches of surveillance and roller coaster behavior. Restraining orders are not awarded because a man tells a woman she’s not pretty enough to change his life for, or derision because she won’t participate in a three-way. Changing the locks is expensive, so I’m having to do it myself — which is still an expense that is going to hurt. The garage door is now secure. My brother spent 6 hours last night securing my network and changing all of my passwords so that the man no longer has access to my emails and texts and internet activities. My questions as to “what to do” were based on what you people have experienced. I’ve read it very clearly stated all over this site to “formulate an exit strategy.” That’s what I’m trying to do.
I already feel beaten-down, heartbroken, weak, stupid, worthless, isolated and solely responsible for everything that has happened; and your condescension is neither helpful nor necessary. I haven’t seen anyone else who has come here for help being talked to like this.
sarahsmile
Ox, I am doing everything I can to protect myself, while at the same time feeling like they are absolutely insane and over-the-top measures. I can barely tie my own shoes right now. I’m not saying that for pity… it’s just where my energy level is.
I am texting him today to come get his stuff tomorrow, when my brother can be here with me.
Louise
sarahsmile:
Sorry, sarahsmile. Unfortunately, I have seen it happen over and over and over (even though you hadn’t yet). Sorry, everyone. I think I have been as sweet as I can be, but I am sorry, there has been no excuse what has happened here. None. We are all hurt. It shouldn’t give anyone the right to be condescending; it is very hurtful when we are already hurting. I said the same thing last week when things were going on with Idiot. I made the statement that we come here to get help, not to be attacked. Some of us are just apparently VERY damaged.
So…it looks like I haven’t been the ONLY one. Now Sarahsmile is hurt, too. How many more is it going to take?? I have seen person after person leave this site in just the last couple months. Stargazer, LL, Near, Lizzy.
I know we come here to hear the truth and we WANT to hear the truth, but it is all in how the message is delivered and so many times it is delivered with disdain. I just don’t get it. It’s very, very disheartening.
I don’t know what else to say.
behind_blue_eyes
Ok, here is where I am with the latest stray I found on the street, literally…
I did live up to my promise to him that I would allow him to stay with me, along with his other friends, until he found a place.
Just to be safe, I did lock up valuables, credit cards, checks…
Thankfully, a week removed from my last contact with him I do see him in a different light and honestly, despite the charm and “positive” outlook, I don’t like this guy very much. Most of today, I was not particularly warm to him. I left tonight open but told him that he cannot stay with me tomorrow night and Thursday night. I also told him I was not sure yet about the weekend.
Many of the traits that people here warned about are already evident, including me now seeing a demanding side that tbh, is not warranted from somebody with so little…
Now, I have to say this but need to. I strongly believe his only real income may be from “escorting.” Twice during the night he got “wrong number” calls and now he has an “appointment” and going to said appointment in blue jeans and a tank-top.
At least his underwear is clean as I washed it for him…
Funny, I have not desire for this guy but feel sorry for him.
sarahsmile
Thank you, Louise. Sincerely. I read the thread you’re referring to. That was one of the “punch in the gut” feelings I had.
Look, everyone here has got some aspect of our own pathology that allowed us to become involved in these situations. We are not completely blameless. We are all human, and we all have flaws. Other folks, they would run at the first red flag. Most folks would never even see flags, because they would never be targets in the first place. These aspects of ourselves, these things that allow us to allow ourselves to be targets, those are the things that need to be healed and reframed. That’s what I need from this site, other resources, and listening to myself: the knowledge to protect myself.
You ARE sweet, Louise. It comes across in every post, just as I know my defensiveness, anger and confusion does right now. I sincerely don’t want to alienate or anger anyone.
candy
Oh Blue, Blue, Blue, you are seeing the light. Yes, we feel sorry for them but they are NOT our responsibility. Feeling sorry for someone is no reason for us to be ‘used’. How do I know? Been there, done that. It ends in tears.
sarahsmile
Now, my first action towards “Inactivity to calm the suffering” is to stop drinking. Since the relationship started, coinciding with my ex-husband moving out and being alone, my alcohol consumption has gone beyond moderation. There is nothing in the house right now, no money to go buy more, and I know I need to keep my head clear. I’m unsure about a 12-Step, frankly because I wouldn’t know whether to start with AA, Al-Anon, OA, CodA or sex addiction. That’s a lot of smoky rooms to sit in! My past experience with the groups hasn’t been great. I’m thinking 5:00 Mass might be a better start.