Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
By Shocknawe
As a fellow victim of a spath, I’ve been both heartened and heartbroken by the stories told on Lovefraud. Also, like many of us here, I have a natural inclination to feel for others and to do what I can to support and assist in whatever way I can to help ease others’ difficulties that’s a key reason we were targeted in the first place, isn’t it? My experience has caused me to try to understand the nature of suffering and what can be done about it. So if the members will indulge me, I’d like to share some thoughts that have come to me as I continue to process, and perhaps help those on a similar path.
In the immediate aftermath of the trauma of victimization, there is a palpable shock, a disorientation and confusion a feeling of suddenly being lost, without direction or meaning in our life. Combined with the actual physical trauma to our bodies, this period can be at turns, agonizing and terrifying. It is completely natural to seek relief from such pain and torment as quickly as possible in whatever way we think will work, and so we often become consumed by the urge to escape our misery; we may spend our entire lives in this search. We try to escape the pain in countless ways through analysis, trying to make sense of the senseless, or through some authority, or conversation with those close to us who may impart some perspective or rationale that will ease our minds, or simply through distractions of every sort to just help us get through our days and nights. (Hopefully, this does not include harmful alcohol or drugs.)
What these and other forms of relief-seeking share, and which we all understandably engage in, is a common thread: a belief that if we do something, we will bring about the end of our suffering, even if only temporarily, and restore to ourselves a sense of normalcy, before the storm. We in the West have a cultural bias towards self-determinacy in the face of adversity, and we are heavily conditioned by that culture to act.
I’d like to suggest a contrary approach for consideration to those currently dealing with our particular brand of anguish and misery.
The constant searching for escape from our pain is like digging in the earth again and again, in the hope we’ll harvest the fruit that offers the nourishment we yearn for. Maybe in a time of profound distress, what we really need is just the opposite: to cultivate receptivity and stillness, to simply provide the rich soil in order for peace to take root.
Rather than actively seeking escape, perhaps, as unnatural as it may feel to us, we need to be inactive to become inwardly quiet and allow the opportunity to focus on the purification of our hearts and minds. Instead of filling every moment with outward activity, chatter and escape, we could benefit from the solitude our situation forces upon us to create a space inside in which to heal. Through subsequent acceptance and openness, we become receptive to assistance from those aspects of our nature that have our best interests at heart, for some a Higher Power, which brings peace. In short, we don’t find it by actively searching, the relief we seek finds us when we create the space through stillness to allow it to happen. Not the space of a “time out,” but the eternal space we cover up and which is inside us all the time underneath our “lives.”
It may be that the infinite forms our searches for solutions to our suffering take, are in fact no more than escapes dressed in productive activity. Paradoxically, perhaps by dropping our active urge to find peace, and becoming quiet and receptive, we consent to allowing peace to find us.
Louise
sarahsmile:
You are right. We are ALL flawed. We are ALL human and make mistakes. That is why we are here.
Hey, I try, but you know, it is apparent that my demeanor is what gets me trampled on over and over. That’s OK.
It’s OK Sarahsmile…you are confused and rightfully so. So am I. I am feeling overwhelmed right now with other things also.
I also do not want to upset anyone; I truly don’t.
dancingnancies
sarahsmile said : Other folks, they would run at the first red flag. Most folks would never even see flags, because they would never be targets in the first place. These aspects of ourselves, these things that allow us to allow ourselves to be targets, those are the things that need to be healed and reframed.
I heartily disagree with that premise. It was Robert D. Hare Ph.D ( creator of the psychopathy checklist and author of Without Conscience & Snakes in Suits ) who said, if a psychopath targets you- NO ONE is immune.
Robert Hare himself was targeted by a sociopath while he was working in prison studying psychopaths. Why, when someone else hurts us must we try to find reasons for something to be wrong with us? It is not wrong to have empathy, it is not wrong to be generous in our giving of love- these are GOOD traits in people that turn to PUTTY in the hands of a psychopath. It is the psychopath with the pathology- NOT the victims. Sure, the victim should wise up about psychopaths- but NONE OF IT- none of it is his/her fault. Nada.
From a Soul With No Footprints, by Invicta MA
Source : http://narcissism-support.blogspot.com/2009/01/soul-with-no-footprints.html
sarahsmile
dancingnancies: Thank you. That makes sense. This is all new to me. I clearly have a long way to go! 🙂
behind_blue_eyes
Candy;
I am not proud that my own immediate neediness allowed me to get sucked into this little mess. Even if the guy is a hustler, I am not the type that does not see my own blame in this matter, meaning that I should have been up front and told the guy I was not comfortable with his staying with me…
Oh, and one would think the first thing he would have been doing today was looking for an apartment yet that seems to be the furtherest thing on his mind.
behind_blue_eyes
sarahsmile;
Drinking solves nothing and in the end, increases anxiety and depression.
AA is a good starting point if you go with minimal expectations and with a desire to stop drinking. You will also find many there who are “cross-addicted” and can provide support.
My only caveat is to be on guard as 12-step programs are full of toxic people.
KatyDid
SarahSmile
You have received lots of encouragement but you reply back how you can’t. I understand your need to avoid but I am not attacking you, I am reflecting/responding to Your words. You go both ways from being very passive “can’t” to saying scary things about his potential violence. My replies are from alarm, and I ADMIT I am trying to wake you up to smell the coffee. If he is that capable of violence, your number # responsibility is SAFETY.
Picking and finding offense from a sentence or a phrase while ignoring the words you wrote that inspired the response is scapegoating. I do not write to enable people, I write to encourage people to ABLE themselves.
And I’ll say it again b/c I am concerned for you and I mean what I say: TAKE CARE. I really hope you do TAKE CARE.
candy
Blue – Whoa. You are a good guy. No self-blame needed. We see someone that needs help…and we help. We do not like to offend or go back on our word but SOMETIMES we have to because that is the only language these people understand.
Your last sentence says it all…..he’s comfy where he is! So, unless you throw him out he will still be surfing on your sofa a year from now.
We are all needy (me included) just want someone to love (and to love us back) Heck wouldn’t that be something?
sarahsmile
Hi, BBE:
Yep, that’s precisely the issue I have with 12-steps. I know they’re live savers for some people. But I’m very sensitive to the energies of the people around me, and those rooms have always felt like soul-suckers to me. I know what I need to do through nutrition and exercise to get back on track right now. I’ve been drinking lately to escape, and am now in the process of removing the thing in my life I was escaping from…
dancingnancies
sarahsmiles,
🙂 That’s why they call it [healing] a journey, right? I think it’s inordinately important to acknowledge that anyone- anyone can be targeted by a psychopath ( we may have been more vulnerable because of our kindness- just as a rape victim may be more vulnerable because they were wearing something suggestive… that however does NOT mean it was their fault in ANY WAY. ) Understand the psychopath is a coward that preys on the GOOD and STRONG by misleading and deceiving them ( in their eyes, if you have empathy & morals, you are an “easy” target. Total backasswards ). It is EASY to lie, it is EASY to be deceptive- it doesn’t take a rocket scientist. It takes character to have virtue and maintain control over your impulses. … the victim was simply, at the wrong place, at the wrong time.
Additionally- it says something about the pathology of the PREDATOR to take advantage of kindness and goodwill- NOT about the victim. It is not, will not, ever be the victim’s fault.
The blame lies entirely on the predator. This is the unvarnished truth. No ifs ands or buts about it. Best wishes on your healing journey… I mean it. <3 (((hugs)))
behind_blue_eyes
Candy;
This guy will never love me. He just needs me and is with me because I have not asked him the hard questions. Personally, I am hoping that my cold shoulder to him most of the day was a turn-off and that his 4:00 “appointment” is a better target…
Funny that in many ways he is more “classic” than the x-spath, in that there is love-bombing, sex bombing (he basically walked around the apartment naked all day) and talking about our “future” whereas the x-spath was after something else from me…