Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
By Shocknawe
As a fellow victim of a spath, I’ve been both heartened and heartbroken by the stories told on Lovefraud. Also, like many of us here, I have a natural inclination to feel for others and to do what I can to support and assist in whatever way I can to help ease others’ difficulties that’s a key reason we were targeted in the first place, isn’t it? My experience has caused me to try to understand the nature of suffering and what can be done about it. So if the members will indulge me, I’d like to share some thoughts that have come to me as I continue to process, and perhaps help those on a similar path.
In the immediate aftermath of the trauma of victimization, there is a palpable shock, a disorientation and confusion a feeling of suddenly being lost, without direction or meaning in our life. Combined with the actual physical trauma to our bodies, this period can be at turns, agonizing and terrifying. It is completely natural to seek relief from such pain and torment as quickly as possible in whatever way we think will work, and so we often become consumed by the urge to escape our misery; we may spend our entire lives in this search. We try to escape the pain in countless ways through analysis, trying to make sense of the senseless, or through some authority, or conversation with those close to us who may impart some perspective or rationale that will ease our minds, or simply through distractions of every sort to just help us get through our days and nights. (Hopefully, this does not include harmful alcohol or drugs.)
What these and other forms of relief-seeking share, and which we all understandably engage in, is a common thread: a belief that if we do something, we will bring about the end of our suffering, even if only temporarily, and restore to ourselves a sense of normalcy, before the storm. We in the West have a cultural bias towards self-determinacy in the face of adversity, and we are heavily conditioned by that culture to act.
I’d like to suggest a contrary approach for consideration to those currently dealing with our particular brand of anguish and misery.
The constant searching for escape from our pain is like digging in the earth again and again, in the hope we’ll harvest the fruit that offers the nourishment we yearn for. Maybe in a time of profound distress, what we really need is just the opposite: to cultivate receptivity and stillness, to simply provide the rich soil in order for peace to take root.
Rather than actively seeking escape, perhaps, as unnatural as it may feel to us, we need to be inactive to become inwardly quiet and allow the opportunity to focus on the purification of our hearts and minds. Instead of filling every moment with outward activity, chatter and escape, we could benefit from the solitude our situation forces upon us to create a space inside in which to heal. Through subsequent acceptance and openness, we become receptive to assistance from those aspects of our nature that have our best interests at heart, for some a Higher Power, which brings peace. In short, we don’t find it by actively searching, the relief we seek finds us when we create the space through stillness to allow it to happen. Not the space of a “time out,” but the eternal space we cover up and which is inside us all the time underneath our “lives.”
It may be that the infinite forms our searches for solutions to our suffering take, are in fact no more than escapes dressed in productive activity. Paradoxically, perhaps by dropping our active urge to find peace, and becoming quiet and receptive, we consent to allowing peace to find us.
behind_blue_eyes
Well, my recent experiences are an example of what can happen when we try to fill time, or make up for lost time.
After my arbitration settlement over an illegal termination from my last employer, I had good chunk of money but felt the need to make more, so I rushed into stock trading and after some initial gains, I lost a fairly large some. Thankfully, I stayed away from the markets this week but had I been inactive when my own guidelines told me to be so, my stress level would not be what it is right now.
Feeling the need to try to make something of my dysfunctional family, I planned a trip that was supposed to be fun and relaxing. This last week has been anything but that and to be honest, I was really looking forward to returning home, until…
The until being a series of text messages I received today from this guy I met just before I went on vacation. To his credit, during my nightmare vacation he was my only support. Today, he asked me if he could stay with me a bit until he finds a new place to live, as he had some kind of an argument with one of his current roommates.
Now, I am dreading going home to face this, I am dreading my birthday tomorrow because I am in a miserable mood and I wish I could have just some solitude but my mother, aunt and brother are with me and all three can be incredibly difficult.
Louise
Ana:
That’s funny! You should see the movie…it’s good.
MoonDancer
BBE WAKE UP ~! YOUR HAVING A NITEMARE ~!
Louise
BBE:
Sorry to hear your time with your family was not what you expected. I can surely relate to that.
Happy Birthday to you!
MoonDancer
LOUISE :)….
Louise
Hens:
Hi…
MoonDancer
Happy Birthday BBE…….these post are not in order.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Hi Ana! yes, I have done medicine Buddha practice. Somehow I do not have a big connection to it, compared to other practices. I don’t know why this is. Of course, I have done more of other practices, so i am closer to them (and also done some other practices in sangha, so there is a deepened connection).
Right now I am concentrating on the 16th Karmapa three light mediation as I have a great relationship with him. He never scares me, he lifts me up and steadies me. My main practice for a long time was Vajrasattva (as I am working on the Ngondro as given by my root teacher, and Vajrasattva (Diamond Mind) practice is the second practice of the Ngondro). Vajrasattva is a purification practice and it can be very challenging. Not what I need at this time. It is the practice I have done the most of, and what I did in retreat for over a year. When i am more stablized I will go back to it as it will help me break my connection to the spath and the ripened negative karma of anger. Right now, my ‘friends on the way’ need to encourage and hold me up and hold me steady.
I love it that a few people are talking about dharma on lf now. My relationship to my practice suffered because of my n ex and the spath (and the actions of my root teacher, who I will always love for giving me the dharma, but who I can no longer have as my primary teacher). My perception of my own compassion, and what my hate for the spath and my closing inwards, pulling away from people means to my self image, and to who i used to be and how i used to be in the world is very challenging.
But i think there is a road to recovery in the challenge – going back to practice, letting go of my teacher, allowing hate to just be, finding new ground, and hopefully befriending myself again…finding out who I am, and what I want now. I do not want my idiot compassion back. But i want myself, and i want her badly. I just need to want her however she is, and whoever she is, more than i want to return to what was or to some idea of who i was or should be. (hope that last sentence hung together 😉 )
behind_blue_eyes
Hens;
If I could beam myself somewhere…
MoonDancer
and where would you beam yourself BBE? if you could? and this guy you met that wants to stay awhile because he pissed off a roomate sounds NOT SO GOOD TO ME…MY x WAS A TRICK THAT NEVER WENT HOME SO BE CAREFUL bbe