Yesterday a 19 y/o man named Robert Hawkins entered the Westroads Mall in Omaha, Nebraska with an AK-47 assault rifle and killed eight people before killing himself. News commentators have been discussing what happened and several are discussing the question of whether he was depressed and taking antidepressants. I think people feel better blaming antidepressant medication for these incidents because it is too frightening to accept that there are so many sociopaths (with the potential for violence) living among us.
Hawkins apparently had no arrest record prior to this event and was not known to be violent. At the time of the shooting he was living with the mother of a high school friend, Debora Maruca Kovac. He called her immediately before the shooting, saying he was, “sorry.” He also left a suicide note saying that he would now be “famous.” Ms. Kovac also said she took Hawkins into her home because, he “reminded me of a lost puppy that nobody wanted.” (Watch landlord describe phone call from shooter) Let this be a wake up call to those of us who have felt sorry for a suspected sociopath. Hind sight is always 20/20 when it comes to people who have the traits of sociopathy. Foresight is never as good.
Researchers have discovered that people with a lot of sociopathic traits fall into two groups. The first group are the “primary psychopaths.” Primary psychopaths are not neurotic, they are in fact immune to anxiety and depression. In his famous book, The Mask of Sanity, published in the 1940s, Dr. Hervey Cleckley described many people who were primary psychopaths.
In the 1980s, Dr. Robert Hare developed a widely used test called the PCL-R. He used Dr. Cleckley’s research to develop this test and his initial intent was to identify these primary psychopaths. The PCL-R has subsequently been used to assess thousands of people. Further research has identified a second group of psychopaths. These people have been called “neurotic,” and “secondary” psychopaths. Researchers who want to distinguish this group also call them sociopaths. This second group is much more common, than the first!
Neurotic or secondary psychopaths are more behaviorally impulsive and so are very prone to violence. This impulsivity also means they can’t control their emotions, so, different from primary psychopaths, these individuals experience a lot of negative emotions, anxiety, depression and anger. These emotions make others feel empathy for them.
Both primary and secondary psychopathy are caused by the human social dominance drive. In primary psychopathy this drive gives rise to a personality that has unshakable, high self esteem (grandiosity). Primary psychopaths perceive themselves as having status and ruthlessly pursue acquiring more status and defending the status they have. This is why they never admit fault and they are not able to experience shame.
Secondary psychopaths also have very strong dominance motivation. However, because they have poor impulse control, they have a hard time acquiring status and maintaining that unshakable grandiose view of themselves. When secondary psychopaths experience a status threat such as the loss of a job or love relationship, they are very likely to react violently; they also do not experience shame, but they do experience humiliation. While people who feel shame, submit and act remorsefully, people who feel humiliation blame everyone else and act aggressively.
Hawkins and his behavior fit the profile of a secondary psychopath. In the last two weeks, he reportedly lost his job and his girlfriend. Please understand that his desire to be “famous” reflects the abnormally high activity of his social dominance drive, as does his violent behavior. People who are not under the power of this drive shut down and feel shame/remorse when they have these setbacks.
The social dominance drive is behind all of man’s inhumanity to man. It is therefore very important that we learn as much as we can about it. Unfortunately there are very few researchers studying the role of dominance motives in human behavior. I know of only two in the United States. Furthermore, the role of dominance motivation in sociopathy/psychopathy is not acknowledged much. I hope to change that. I look forward to the day when news commentators stop talking about antidepressants as causing this behavior. It is only through acknowledgement and understanding of the dominance drive that we can begin to combat its effects.
Thank you, Dr., for so clearly delineating the distinction between primary and secondary (or sociopaths) psychopaths. It’s very helpful.
This is interesting Dr. I would like your opinion on my case. After I broke up with my ex. he went through a series of different reactions. The first week after I cut all contact with him he reacted like in panic with frequent phone calls but keeping up with the lie (denying that he cheated on me).
Then he changed his strategy and was aggressive and verbally abusive accusing me off creating the all story by myself for my convenience. (Still denying he cheated)
After he learned that his family and friends knew that we broke up because he cheated on me more than four times during our relationship, he reacted kind of humiliated, blaming me for exposing and humiliating him. (Still denying he cheated)
After almost three months he decided to go to his Church and I don’t know what happen or what he talked with the priest, but after that he reacted kind of remorseful for what he did. He decided to apologize and admitted his guilt and asked me to go back to him. He even told me he felt something good inside of him after they prayed for him in the Church. “He felt changed from inside” that’s his words.
Because all this didn’t work, now he is playing the victim. He is spreading around to his friends how much he loves me and that he even humiliated himself telling me the truth hoping for my forgiveness and so on, and begging them to ask me to forgive him and go back to him. I’m chocked because this is not the behavior I knew for almost seven years.
The funny thing is that now on people’s eyes it looks like I’m the bad one in this movie. Everybody is really sorry for him, telling me that he is being honest and he is suffering a lot with all this and I’m reacting like I have no heart and I can’t forgive him. This is the longest break up I’ve ever had. I don’t know how much longer?
Pitanga. When I had suspicions my ex was cheating (maybe with men too) I thought I was going crazy, I tried talking to a family member of his, but she kept denying it all, saying he wouldnt possibly do that, he is a decent man. I had many break ups with my ex, some short, some longer. In hindsight, I should have stayed out Permanently on one of those break ups, but he was wily in getting me back. Because I went back to him, the damage to my mental welfare has been compounded and he is not around to pick up the pieces. He has destroyed the foundation of your relationship, WHATEVER he says or does, however much he professes to be repentent, do not take him back – you will regret it, I can assure you. Taking him back was the worst thing I did. Also kept telling friends about what was happening, and because they didnt understand what was really happening, i was told that maybe I was being abit needy etc. I allowed other people’s judgements to cloud my own. You must not take him back. It has been 3 months since I dumped him, but I am now suffering post stress symptoms, I cannot sleep properly, obsessive thoughts etc. You must make this the last breakup. Dont be fooled or intimidated by him, get yourself some support and protection and get out and stay out. Dont have any further contact with him either, dont let him suck you in. Change your phone number if and email if you have to. You know this man is wrong – keep him away from you
Please be aware that all kinds of people cheat in relationships. Cheating does not make a person a sociopath. Take a look at the description of sociopathy on the main site and see how many of the other signs he has.
Sometimes men are much more attached to a women than they think and it takes a break up to make them aware of their attachments. That does not mean though that they are immune to making the same mistake again. If he has poor impulse control, he may cheat again even if he is not a complete sociopath. Take a look at the pages on the inner triangle.
That being said, it is up to you whether you want to have any friendship/relationship with him. Please don’t allow pressure from others to dictate what you feel you should do.
Write me through lovefraud if you have other questions.
Dear Liane, When my ex started ‘his behaviour’ I did alot of fact finding and thinking about people who are avoiders and pursuers, committmentphobics, afraid of intimacy, cheaters, sociopaths etc. What I a thinking is that alot of the core feeling seem to be the same. Avoidance and projection of pain, sufference in a love relationship. Could you cast any further information on this please.?
Beverly
I just wanted to thank you and so many others on this site – Southernman, Laman, apt/mgr, just for starters – for sharing your stories and letting us, who come across them here, find clarity and peace of mind.
We can see our experiences in all of your stories. I liken it to a police composite drawing – little random bits of information that form a common portrait. In addition, there have countless pieces of thoughtful insight that I count as gifts i.e., apt/mgr.’s gem: “I won’t make someone a priority in my life if I’m only an option in theirs.”
Your “bits and pieces”, expressed in such soul-baring letters, were what helped me make sense of something so wildly insensible and allowed me to to recover the strength and peace that was so elusive and the joy I wasn’t sure I’d have again.
I recently sent a note to Donna thanking her for creating this community. I wrote that I surprised even myself when I blurted out to my sister something I’ve never said before: “I’ve found my people!” I didn’t even know I was looking for people. I’m not the type who does.
We may all be here because of a sociopath (or two) but I have found in these posts we may share more than that. Perhaps, it’s the same nature that made us connect with a sociopath in the first place.
I only know that the bond I have found here, and for which I am so grateful, extends beyond that common experience.
For me, it’s been the growth and enlightenment we’ve all undergone; the vulnerability to share publicly such great pain, humiliation and devastation; the gentle kindness for each person’s particular stage of healing and recovery; and the pervasive sense of hope and resilience.
Most importantly for me was the acceptance, among so many here, of two core values of mine: compassion for animals and the respect for God, who has sustained me through so many things including, but perhaps most dramatically, my experience with a sociopath.
I hope everyone continues to share, suggest and encourage those who write and read the posts on this site. Like a pebble thrown into a creek, you’ll never know the number of people you have helped.
PS. I would also add that a common (and winsome) denominator in this group seems to be a defined sense of integrity – both in the character of the writers and in those with whom they will place their trust.
To eyesopened,
I, too, found a common denominator amongst the ones here. I truly thought I was imagining the happenings in my life. I couldn’t think that a fellow human being could do what those in my life did. I know by comparison, that what I went through wasn’t as horrible as many out here, but the end result is the same. We come through it, and we wonder what happened. How could I have been so dumb? It’s almost surreal. To think that someone just wants to use me, was more than my mind could comprehend. I don’t do that, so I didn’t think anyone would do that to me.
I’ve heard many times since, that kindness is a weakness. Shouldn’t be. I just know now that some people get their jollies pulling a fast one on someone. If they would, from the get go, show their true colors, it would be easy to spot them. They are so cunning and deceitful. In my case, I thought I had found a kindred spirit in a man, of all things. Throw sex in the mix, and you have a perfect relationship that is so real. What a disappointment to find out it was just an illusion.
I have learned the hard way, and it’s hard to just walk away, but if they don’t reciprocate or initiate, then I’m done. It’s just putting energy into a bag that has no bottom. I read something before about a love bank. If no one makes a deposit into our bank, we become bankrupt and there is no one to care. So it’s up to us to determine whether we want someone to continue doing this to us. The sad part is, and I speak from experience, that some never find the freedom. I always knew there had to be more, but I didn’t think I had the right to choices, too. Stinking thinking. Some asked why I waited so long. I was waiting for the man I met. Now I know he never existed. Only for me to get me. Then he quit and became the real him. I don’t know him let alone like him. Because I have nothing to hide, I didn’t think others did.
These blogs let us see that we really aren’t alone and we can draw strength on each other’s experiences. And it really is okay to tell someone, no, I don’t do that to you and you can no longer do that to me. For we women, it’s important this day and age to have our income. Being independent is important, otherwise a man wants to own us and if he has no income, he’ll play the pity party, and we feel sorry for him, and before you know it, he has us. I think we women should set guidelines and go halves. If they can’t carry their part, then it’s over. I have a quote posted in my office. It says, ” A woman’s ability to earn a living is better protection against the tyranny and brutality of men than her ability to vote”, Victoria Woodhall. As long as we don’t rely on a man to provide for us, he can’t own us. We have to be careful though they don’t con us into taking care of them. That’s what happened to me because I was weak and needy. But I needed to go through that to be where I’m at. I’ve watched a lot of women totally dependent on their man, and he dies and they are left helpless. I don’t want that for me, and I made sure my daughters had educations and marketable skills so they can make it out here.
But I’m here to say that no man will ever do to me what my husband did and then a friend who said he wanted to help me. I’ve heard the lines and I’m so guarded anymore, that I don’t think I can trust a man again to the point I did before. Trust in my opinion, is just a license for them to do a number on us and we keep taking them back. They need to work for the relationship. I’ve been so taken for granted, that I don’t even want to share anything again. I just smile and let them wonder what I’m up to for a change.
I’m on the other side of the disillusionment but I still constantly wonder why. And what was the purpose. Now if anything is proposed, my catch phrase is, what will it prove? If there isn’t anything of substance to the proposal, and there isn’t something there to include me, I quit before I start. Maybe that is an awful approach, but to have been so used, I won’t allow it and if it happens it will be my fault. I want equality and mutuality. I won’t be a mother to a grown man. My mom, before she died almost 50 years ago, gave my oldest sister some sage advice. She said to never feel sorry for a man. My sister couldn’t understand that at the time. But basically once you feel sorry for them, you become their mother, provider and enabler. I don’t know what’s more depleting in a relationship, than being with someone who drains you of all emotions and gives nothing but grief. I digress, but this is a great place to compare and learn. Oh, if I just had this many years ago and knew what to look for, I could have spared my girls and I a lot of grief, but then, I wouldn’t know what I do now.
I am interested in spiritual nature of life and I have stumbled across a website that gives alot of information on the energetic interplay of relationships – how we are hooked etc. Where as I dont wholly subscribe to any particular religion or philosophy – I am always interested in raising my consciousness and it certainly has helped me deepen my understanding. Try http://www.famousrabbis.com.
For me, I have learned that I had a capacity to feel sorry for people who were down on life. Prior to meeting my ex, I had shouldered an alcoholic in my work beyond what I should have done professionally. What I dont want to turn into, is someone who is fearful of life and hard of heart. I am learning to protect myself from people who want to zap my energy. The one characteristic about the relationship with my ex, which I have never had with another ex, is the feeling of absolute exhaustion, a draining of my energy. In fact when we had our numerous break ups, I was pleased to see the back of him to recoup my energy. I have burnt the photos of my ex with his staring eyes, which gave me a shudder when I looked at him. Now I will block him out completely and carry on with the plans of my life, which I had before I was sidetracked ‘out of the blue’ by meeting him. It has been very therapeutic to meet others on this site who understand what destruction is caused.