Is sociopathy a perversion? If yes, a perversion of what? And if it is a perversion, does this compel us to revisit the sociopaths’ culpability for his transgressions? After all, perversions imply antisocial, irrepressible impulses. If an impulse is irrepressible, or unsuppressible, how culpable is its expresser?
I think a good case can be made that sociopathy is a perversion—a perversion of personality characterized by the unsuppressible tendency to exploit others.
It’s not so much a question of the sociopath’s sanity: most sociopaths, by criminal standards, are sane. Then again, so are most kleptomaniacs.
When I refer to the sociopath’s unsuppressible tendency to exploit, I mean unsuppressible in a characterological, more than compulsive, sense. The sociopath, that is, appears characterologically to be driven to perpetrate incursions against others’ space and security.
While I think that sociopaths, like most transgressors, can exercise, on a case by case basis, some selective choice in determining when next, and whom, to violate, I do not think that sociopaths, in the bigger picture, can control their exploitive tendencies any more than saints can control their beneficent tendencies.
I regard it as inevitable that the sociopath will violate others and, unless stopped, violate repeatedly.
In my view, many wrongly interpret the sociopath’s capacity for situational self-restraint as suggestive of what ought, therefore, to be the sociopath’s capacity to cease his exploitation more broadly.
But I stress—while it’s true that most sane individuals, including sociopaths, can exercise some suppressive control over the expression, timing and direction of their antisocial tendencies in the short-term, it does not follow that they can maintain their self-regulation in the long-term.
The sociopath’s peculiar and profound self-centeredness, along with his inability to genuinely care about the harm he inflicts on others, explain why his exploitive tendencies, in the long-term at least, will demand expression.
Yet one often hear variations on the theme, “You know, when he’s not being cruel, deceptive and self-centered, he’s really a good guy.”
Or, “When she’s not scamming seniors out of their life savings, she’s got really good instincts.”
Carrying this logic a step further, it’s like saying, “You know, when he’s not raping women, he can be a quite tender, trusting lover.”
I commonly work with clients who see the refractory period separating the antisocial displays of their partners as tantalizing evidence of the latters’ “real personality;” of their “true potential” as partners/parents/friends; of how they’d be “all the time if they could just work through their demons.”
This is “enabling” thinking, steeped in denial and fantasy. It reflects the desperation to want to believe in the underlying goodness of the antisocial mate. One insists that with just a little more time, a little more forgiveness, a little more patience, one’s partner will recognize, finally, what he or she has been jeopardizing, and will finally properly value his or her mate, family and blessings.
Sometimes religious/spiritual individuals, for whom faith and forgiveness are integral to their identity, are especially prone to this self-delusive thinking. Their endurance of countless lies, deceptions and betrayals feels less about self-compromise than the fulfillment of their higher values.
They may harbor the hope, and faith, that their travails, if endured uncomplainingly and for long enough, will result finally in vindication—for instance, this will be the time he really sees the light!
I call this “reform-aholoc” thinking—that is, believing with a kind of blind faith in the antisocial partner’s capacity for reformation.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Been thinking…. sometimes thats a good thing…sometimes end up overthinking… but lately Ive been thinking so much more about me, myself, my future…rather than him, his behaviors, the past…
After running things through my “mind-mill” and sorting out all the life lessons with a P/S/N etc…. Ive learned it really comes down to finding myself again..picking myself up by the bootstraps…and moving on…even if there are residual rocks in my boots…
I now look at the experience as a total learning lesson and I am able to find humor again.. Such as, if Im at the grocery store and picking apples to take home…there are bruised, unripe ones as well as big fresh ripe ones. Its a no brainer for me – I think wow! so is the situation with the S! He is a bad apple… But in the market, I dont sit there and question how or why the bad apple is bad…and I dont shed tears upon leaving it behind…I just pick the good apples I want and go on my way… there was a time I absolutely couldnt do that with the S… I HAD to sit there and question how or why he is bad… and I had to cry upon leaving him behind… I had to go through a process of sorts…but I also had to decided when enough was enough and when I was going to be more rational about it than emotional…and also I was determined not to let one living soul suck the life out of me that I fought so long and hard to overcome in my childhood. I made the choice to grow up and become an adult and deal with the reality and truth – he was not a good apple, he fooled me in the beginning, but the truth always comes out.
No, Im not crazy (yet) everyone…. but the simplicity of the matter just helps me to rationalize that in the end…leaving the S was a NO BRAINER…my brain and heart and soul and spirit just needed time to heal…to sort it out….I needed to get out of HIS head, HIS motives, HIS WAY OF LIFE… and get back into me, myself, my way of life (complete with changes, new tools, better awareness of making sure others earn my love and trust rather than just give it away, etc..).
Im sure if we really think back about it…there were red flags rather early on in our relationships …or for those who had a hardcore S/P/N the mask eventually fell… but in being honest with myself… there were red flags that I should have been aware of and stopped and changed direction. I live my life that way now. I am thankful for the experience in that I was forced to get to know myself, what I want, what I deserve. I am saddened it had to be such a harsh, hurting, depressing, life-altering lesson — but apples to apples I am so much better at taking care of and loving myself than he was or ever would be able. He is emotionally stunted.. he is self-absorbed … he is unable to learn and grow and love…he is a bad apple. And here is the best part… there are so many more good apples around me! Armed with self-respect, self-trust, self-love, self-boundaries life can be wonderful again…in fact even better than before the S. Its a choice. Its definitely work. And its SO WORTH IT. Because each and everyone of us is worthy of living life and loving life again after we sort it all out.. at our own pace…and find ourselves again. So for me theres new meaning to… An apple a day…!
Im trusting myself again, or perhaps for the first time! Im thinking about myself in a good positive deserving way instead of everyone elses best interest… mine comes first… then I can give my best to others who prove to be good souls!
hey guys , my morning started out good with a meeting with lady who is helping me get back to work and supportin g . Then i got a call from a gf who i know has backstabbed me but i let it go numerous times as im forgiving (stupidly) and she had to tell me that where she is working she heard that the s is in love and the woman worships him and how attractive she is(sorry but i’ve seen her but i didn’t need to hear it) and that someone asked if i was still drinking. This so called friend i’ve let many things go, she met a nice guy who lost his wife in the hospital while she was on lifesupport and he has money and she’s a golddigger and i’m ashamed to say that i turned the cheek because i thought she was fun etc. She’s an alcoholic with a back narcotic addiction as well and i suspect Histrionic . If i buy something nice leather coat what ever, she goes out and buys the identical same one even though we have completely diff body types. I’ve let all that go and even did things for her son(on welfare) when she was off galivanting with her rich guy in Vancouver for 3 monts. His daughters will never approve of her as they have her number bu t their dad reminds me of myself when i me t the s, you don’t know what you’ve met as you’ve never seen it before so i give him benefit of the doubt and beleive he has genuine intentions. This gf also went after my brother when he was first sep from his wife as her rich guy was not in picture. She has been calling my brother when he man is with his daughers and “do you still lvoe me crap” as he
is an alcoholic and tries to lord it over me that she has a closer relationship to him than i. Today i called her on her crap as i was so dam hurt , the last thing i need at this point is to hear how good looking and how much in love the s is , im still so dam emotional. I broke down and called another gf and she’s quite concerned , she’s never heard me so emotional and she knows how sensitive i am. I did not accept her excuse that she had no idea she would upset me, i don’t buy it anymore. I hung up and i’ve known all along she is not good for me. I m just so sick of letting all these people betray me and i’ve got to get my strength back somehow. My son is sick of seeing me so emotional and worries about me going back to work etc. Im very frustrated as even my well meaning gf’s don’t understand why wehn i know how bad he is for me i just can’t get over it in a day. They make it sound so dam simple. Just forget it and move on is all i get. Do they think i don’t want to? Is this normal for me to feel hurt over being rejected for some woman who worships him. That i don’t. Ys he has managed to keep me on a hook but i certainly don’t worship him. I know in my heart im more deserving than this woman even if i don’t know her and that’s the part that hurts the most. Discarded for a woman with diabetes who drinks and rides a Harley, (sorry to be so cutting but i want to be honest with you guys) and i’ve given so much. Is it my dam ego that i can’t accept that he loves her and not me whe n i know he doesn’t love anyone. So confused. love kindheart
Dear KH,
“I know in my heart im more deserving than this woman”
Kindheart, this is very true statement…but not in the context you are stating. You are more deserving of a better man, a real man, a good man, a decent man, an honest man… than that woman. You are not more deserving of him than her!!!!
Kindheart, can you possibly not answer your telephone for a while!!!! Just not go there unless it is someone you know you can trust! Make a list of the ones you are willing to talk to because you know they care and have your best interest at heart. Anyone else, you must not answer or simply say, oh hi, can I call you later Im on my way out. Something that allows you not to engage in conversation with them!
Getting over him is not simple! But getting it into your head that you deserve so much better than that creep saying and lying at the same time I love you to you is something you can do. He is the lie, the stories that come with him are a lie, a farse, a temporary thing until he gets tired of her, or found out.
Wait, try this on for size. She left him or he left her and is on his way over to your house right now. He wants to come back into your life and use you and your kindheart and manipulate you and tell you he loves you. He is at the door. Do you want him? Is he the one you want to marry and give your love away to? Is having him back going to make your life that much better?
Send him back to her or better yet dont open that door – he is not the man for you!!!!! He is nothing.
Kindheart,
My heart goes out to you, they can still hurt from afar. No matter what, that feeling is there and you are right to tell your “friend” that she should not have told you. Maybe what happened to me today if for the best, but I had grown fond of this gal and was hoping we would stay friends. In my case, I was “rescued’ by the other woman in the S’s life, I’d been very suspicious and was just about done, but she gave me a few pearls of what he had done to me, which I had already suspected, and made me mad enough to end it abruptly and unexpectedly. Just when he thought he was about to make my dreams come true.
I had posted this on the “Women who Love Psychopaths” blog for LTL, but I saw nobody had been there in awhile so was going to put it here, saw your post. Now, I’m not jealous (just finished the book) but I’m sad for the gal who saved my life:
Thanks! I’ve been off the site for awhile doing the “recommended reading”, did not even see your reply, I’m sorry. Now I gottanother problem, the other gal. He never bothered me, and she met someone she was happy with. Yesterday she called in a panic that he was texting her like crazy, really freaked. Then she did not return a call and now her message is gone. Has not answered my call or text.
I was so into this book that I read it today during work hours, wanting to send it to her. Now I’m afraid, if he did somehow woo her back, and I send it even anonymously, could get her in trouble. She looked at this site but told me she did not need it, was over it. There’s no way that can be, they went back further than we did.
I’m concerned for her, she could really use this book, but certainly don’t want to start up with him if he’s going to leave me alone and there’s nothing I can do for her anyway. When he goes nuts on her again, she’ll leave and call me. If she left the new guy, he might forward it to her in anger just to cause trouble. Maybe I should wait to hear from her before sending?
Will check back for comments but then I’ll be off line for a day.
hey guys, why can’t i let this crap go. Im shortchanging my son as im so upset and emotional and not in the moment with anyone . I hate this obsession. What is so special about her is what goes through my mind, stupid crap. I’ve never been so emotionally spent in all my life and i desperatley want to move beyond it but it’s so dam difficult when all i can think aobut is what was wrong with me when i know he ws just plain tired and wanted a new source. Just calculated and nothing personal but it sure as hell feels personal when im the one sufferein g over it. I hope he gets his day . NOthing feels intereting to me and i don’t like this depression im in, it’s not like me and i feel sometimes like im getting worse instead of better. Nobody understand s other than you on this site what this has done or taken from me. I’ve never been suicidal but this agon y is making me think stupidly. I have so much to live for but this callous discarding is too much to bear. love kh
KH –
Hang in their, girlfriend, time does heal it just takes longer with these creeps than with normals. If you have serious thoughts about taking your own life, like start thinking about how to do it, get some serious help, in-patient if necessary. Don’t let this creep destroy you. See P. 141 of Women Who Love Psychopaths, the victim’s suicide is the ultimate conquest, the ultimate triumph for the psychopath. Don’t do this to yourself, Kindheart. The pain will abate in time, I know it’s worse for you that he made the decision but it’s really the same. He made it for me too by his behavior that was so terrible I finally had to cut the cord.
Think about everything you have to live for, your son, friends, pets, career. Pets should nail it if you have any, think about what will happen to them. If you don’t have any, maybe you should get one. There is a pooch at the pound right now who could be snuggled up at your feet. Or a cat.
I guess me and “Jane” (my S’ OW) are doing better than most because we have each other. She just called, just slept late today absolutely is not going back and thinks he knows we’ve been talking but is hiding it. Being real sweet. And she’s thinking I’ve gone back because she sometimes can’t believe he has not called me at all! So he’s got us suspicious of each other, we worked it out.
Which might be an idea for you, have you considered contacting the other woman and giving her a heads up? How long have they been seeing each other? If still in the Honeymoon stage, you’ll be wasting your time, but when things get ugly she might be very appreciative that you called.
Please do not blame her or put her down, it’s not her fault it’s his, she’s just another victim like you and will be experiencing all the pain that you are in short order. Nothing to be envious of. Like LTL said, if he came back today what would you be in for? More of the same. Mine came back after he “left the one he left me for” and I was treated worse and soaked out of more money in a couple of months than the whole time before. Years. Then he started up with Jane again, telling me it was still over and telling her things were just not going to work with me but “it just wasn’t the right time” to tell me. Like we were married with 4 kids. How about he had no job and I was paying the bills? Eventually she put it together and called me.
Perhaps your OW is just a better source, maybe gets a fat disability check for the diabetes or maybe, just maybe, it’s the Harley that enchants him not the woman riding it? Whatever it is she is not better than you but does not deserve your hatred either.
Jane and I were both in his life for years, both knowing the others existence, names and all, but thinking it was 1) over (her), 2) just a friend with a crush (me). But there was a period when they had “reconciled” but he was still in my life. Due to some conniving on his part, specifics will ID me. She wanted to meet me, try to make amends, I refused, wanted them both out of my life and said that it would be fraud to meet her given how I felt about him. Which of course she did not know because he never told her how involved we had been, played it down.
I was an idiot. When I got to know her, I learned it would have been much better to have met her and perhaps we would have sorted this out sooner and less expensively. My hatred of her was misdirected, just like my love for him, it had never ever been reciprocated. You don’t know what he told this woman for whatever period (if there was one, which there probably was) when he was still seeing you.
Neither me or Jane had ever knowingly gone behind the other’s back with him. The same might be true in your case.
These guys can be real quick to move out on one woman and in with another. I had another one earlier in life, don’t know how this one got over on me after that, he’s just a lot slicker and more intelligent — the other was out the door in 3 months. But I remember when he moved in, uninvited, told me he had lost his wallet and that the woman he had been living with was just a friend putting him up. This gal may have no idea your heart was broken over her, don’t take it out on her. He was the one who deserved the hatred, not her.
Hope to hear back from you before I have to leave, KH, but I just found out I gotta leave in an hour. Making a quick run, then I’ll check.
Love,
Usednomore
…I just returned home from the elementary school art show. I was talking to a neighbor in the hallway when my son said, “Mom, look my artwork was nominated to be voted on to win a prize ” – I turned my head and there on the wall was his still life “drawing” of 5 beautifully drawn pasteled big ripe RED APPLES, complete with their shadows!
Framing that one for sure!! Talk about good timing in life!!
LTL: How sweet! He sounds like a wonderful little artist! My daughter can draw too… I just draw little stick figures.
Dearest Kindheart, I am somewhat new to LF and I don’t have any experience with a romance with a sociopath….So I can’t help you there….My reasons for being here is because of my son…
What prompted me to respond to you was that you sounded so very sad, in agony, and had mentioned that you have had thoughts of suicide….This I do have experience in and it scares me for you to even mention that you are thinking about it….Sweetie HE, WHOEVER he is…Isn’t worth it.
The thing about suicide is it really is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You can’t take it back….Its a mistake you can’t rectify…..
Think about the person you MOST love in this world and would NEVER want to hurt, EVER….Who would this be? I think you mentioned you had a son…..Unconditional love we have for our kids….Certainly you wouldn’t never want to hurt him. Even your name, kindheart suggest you wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Suicide causes a WORLD of pain to those left behind….Trust me, I know. I have been there. My husband took his own life. Suicide feels like the ULTIMATE rejection for those left behind.
Your son and everyone else that loves you does NOT deserve to loose you over some guy that is NOT EVEN DESERVING of your kindheart to begin with….
Please consider the source when you say he discarded you….He never deserved you to begin with. He is a sociopath and not capable of love or emotions….You were in love with who you thought he was NOT who he is. The people who love you, love you, for YOU….
I promise you….Even though I don’t know your full story, you will feel better…Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better thats part of the process, but it WILL get Better. Just know that you deserve much more. A man capable of loving you back. A real man. Someone who will appreciate all that you have to offer.
Please if you start feeling like this please get some help. Don’t wait….Call someone right away. Someone POSITIVE. Someone who loves you. And if your thoughts are persistant go to the ER.
WitsEnd –
Thanks for your kind and thoughtful words to Kindheart. I need to leave and I’m worried about her, but I’m leaving her in good hands.
You gals are the greatest!