Is sociopathy a perversion? If yes, a perversion of what? And if it is a perversion, does this compel us to revisit the sociopaths’ culpability for his transgressions? After all, perversions imply antisocial, irrepressible impulses. If an impulse is irrepressible, or unsuppressible, how culpable is its expresser?
I think a good case can be made that sociopathy is a perversion—a perversion of personality characterized by the unsuppressible tendency to exploit others.
It’s not so much a question of the sociopath’s sanity: most sociopaths, by criminal standards, are sane. Then again, so are most kleptomaniacs.
When I refer to the sociopath’s unsuppressible tendency to exploit, I mean unsuppressible in a characterological, more than compulsive, sense. The sociopath, that is, appears characterologically to be driven to perpetrate incursions against others’ space and security.
While I think that sociopaths, like most transgressors, can exercise, on a case by case basis, some selective choice in determining when next, and whom, to violate, I do not think that sociopaths, in the bigger picture, can control their exploitive tendencies any more than saints can control their beneficent tendencies.
I regard it as inevitable that the sociopath will violate others and, unless stopped, violate repeatedly.
In my view, many wrongly interpret the sociopath’s capacity for situational self-restraint as suggestive of what ought, therefore, to be the sociopath’s capacity to cease his exploitation more broadly.
But I stress—while it’s true that most sane individuals, including sociopaths, can exercise some suppressive control over the expression, timing and direction of their antisocial tendencies in the short-term, it does not follow that they can maintain their self-regulation in the long-term.
The sociopath’s peculiar and profound self-centeredness, along with his inability to genuinely care about the harm he inflicts on others, explain why his exploitive tendencies, in the long-term at least, will demand expression.
Yet one often hear variations on the theme, “You know, when he’s not being cruel, deceptive and self-centered, he’s really a good guy.”
Or, “When she’s not scamming seniors out of their life savings, she’s got really good instincts.”
Carrying this logic a step further, it’s like saying, “You know, when he’s not raping women, he can be a quite tender, trusting lover.”
I commonly work with clients who see the refractory period separating the antisocial displays of their partners as tantalizing evidence of the latters’ “real personality;” of their “true potential” as partners/parents/friends; of how they’d be “all the time if they could just work through their demons.”
This is “enabling” thinking, steeped in denial and fantasy. It reflects the desperation to want to believe in the underlying goodness of the antisocial mate. One insists that with just a little more time, a little more forgiveness, a little more patience, one’s partner will recognize, finally, what he or she has been jeopardizing, and will finally properly value his or her mate, family and blessings.
Sometimes religious/spiritual individuals, for whom faith and forgiveness are integral to their identity, are especially prone to this self-delusive thinking. Their endurance of countless lies, deceptions and betrayals feels less about self-compromise than the fulfillment of their higher values.
They may harbor the hope, and faith, that their travails, if endured uncomplainingly and for long enough, will result finally in vindication—for instance, this will be the time he really sees the light!
I call this “reform-aholoc” thinking—that is, believing with a kind of blind faith in the antisocial partner’s capacity for reformation.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
kindheart: There is nothing wrong with you, it’s not you, and there is nothing special about her. You have shown your strength and dignity as a person just by being here and also in the ways you have healed yourself of other problems that you have written about. The pain will heal with time. I have been through several big break-ups and speak from personal experience that it does take a little time, and some positive thinking about yourself. The obsessing is normal, it has even been written about in articles on this site. I’m hanging in there with you… I was discarded too… I’m obsessing too… I’m depressed too… but I will never never never give up… and you won’t either!!!
kindheart: When the N I was with for 14 years discarded me (this was about a year ago) I was also in agony, I never cried like that in my life, I was curled up like a ball, I obsessed, after 3 months I called him — didn’t help. But little by little I began feeling better, it really does happen, the hurt starts to go away, the feelings you are having right now will pass. What are you doing right now?
KH,
Give it some time, and please don’t hurt yourself!! You CAN get through this!!!!! You are at the beginning of the process and still feeling very addicted to him. You are only recently out of contact with him and his “cronies”. You have to have more time away from him to start to let the denial wear off. It’s magical thinking to wonder how he could want another woman over you. This is attributing normal and rational motives to him, as if he were just some normal guy who cheated on you, rather than an irrational, crazy person that is not capable of loving anyone.
Kindheart, if you can just stay away from him and all his dramatic friends and family, you will break through this addiction and start to feel like yourself. It takes some time. Eventually, you will see what caused you to stay with someone who kept betraying you. PLEASE hang in there. You have so many people here who care what happens to you.
I realized something about my exSpath tonight while reading The Betrayal Bond. Back last year when he pulled a no show, no call, I took it as him breaking up with me. I have abandonment issues, so I just interpreted this as his cowardly way of breaking up with me. Wrong! What he was actually doing was trying to control me. He was putting me through some sort of test as he’d been doing the previous 2 months. He would promise to call and then not call. Or promise to show up and not show up. I thought it was due to his medical problem (which turned out not to even exist). Wrong! Then he would call me and tell me how much he loved/wanted me and “he can explain”. It wasn’t craziness, it wasn’t medications. It was a very deliberate attempt to control me through trauma bonding. I just read about this today in The Betrayal Bond and recognized it right away. He was creating chaos by betraying me over and over. Then he’d lavish love and attention on me to win me back. Fortunately, the last time didn’t work and I walked. I didn’t even understand what was happening till now. I feel like a light bulb has gone on, and I see just how sinister his intentions were. Creepy. I had no idea what his game was at the time. I just knew I wasn’t gonna play it any more.
thanks guys, woke up rested this morning and still obsessing but know it willl eventually fade with time. Met the guy for coffee last night as he just got home from Forida, def no sparks there and then went across the street to a club the s holds the mortgage on and made sure he wasn’t there. Im not bragging but had a couple of guys hitting on me but your typical drinkers, philanders both married. I left thinking i really am not cut out for this crap and thining back to my ex and how decent he was. Not sure if i will ever find another one like that but i’ll be dammed if i take another piece of crap. I live in a very small community and i give up. Im going to concentrate on getting back to the bank an then in time when my oldest is gone maybe look to move. I think a change would be good for me but im def not strong enough righ tnow . I will take this one day at a time but i sure don’t need people rubbing it in my face like that gf and i’ know how toxic she is i just didn’t have the heart to no contact her as well but i know it’s in my best interest. I’m starting to think that all men are pigs and i know that’s not true but there sure are a stall full in this town. thanks for all the concern from all of you. It has to get better with time as i can see where the s daughter and his ex’s all manage to live happily here and ignore him. love kindheart
Star… we knew something wasnt right…wasnt feeling right…we just didnt have the tools, the self-awareness to stand up and kick em to the curb fast enough. WE NOW KNOW! WE NOW KNOW! If something doesnt seem right, IT ISNT! If someone doesnt treat us the way we would treat them, they are into the REDFLAG dumpster and we are on our way quicker than we can say BYE TOXIC CREEP!
KH…one day at a time….focus on yourself…your son…anything but that creep. It will all get better with time…but start and create that path for youself with your words and actions coming together empowering you to make the change from thoughts of him to thoughts of you.
You are going to get through this and meet others who respect you and who are good for you – when you get yourself to a stronger place. Working again will be an EXCELLENT outlet for you. And just help yourself control your thoughts and who you let into your recovery right now — toxic gfs, exs, relatives all get the following treatment: DO NOT DISTURB ME IM RECOVERING FROM A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP AND WILL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I WANT TO!!!!
learnthelesson, I LOVED your post about bad vs. good apples! These sorts of analogies really help me to make sense of my experience and to move on. And you’re right, we have a lot to be thankful for in terms of our emotional makeup vs. people who are so damaged. My former “friend” seems to be alienating more people than me and it will be interesting to see where he ends up in a few years. A woman I know at work just had her ex die (a horrible, abusive spathole), and no one, not even his children, wanted to have any kind of memorial service for him. If we can cure ourselves of our addiction (and I realize, in retrospect, that my efforts to try to work things out and my obsessing over what the SP in my life did was addictive behavior–I just couldn’t stop myself. So toxic!!), we can go on to lead emotionally satisfying lives. Still, I do think that maybe the obsessing is a necessary stage we go through. I read somewhere once that people who obsess over a romantic break-up actually recover better over time than people who don’t have that reaction. Maybe our obsession is partly an aspect of our deeply caring natures and our desire to understand the things that we experience. We just need to be able to get past that obsession (of course, I’m going on two years now and still struggling). Oh, and I just tried to get a group project going and the other principal immediately suggested my nemesis (most people don’t know what happened except for my “inner circle” of people the SP turned against me; but in the larger picture, he has to be careful not to look like he’s a jerk for trashing me). So, guess I won’t be doing that. I’m so sick of him popping up all the time. I wish he would move away but that’s not going to happen–he’s got his cult following here.
Kindheart, I’m so very sorry to hear that you’re having a hard time. Please do take good care of yourself. Usedabused, that was a wonderful post, too. You know, looking back at a relationship I had years ago, and starting to understand the sociopathic pattern, I realize now that he was probably a sociopath. It just killed me when he totally dumped me when I was going through a terrible time and really needed the emotional support–could not believe how mean he was!! And for years I felt like it was my fault for being too needy or emotional and for destroying his feelings for me. But now I realize it was going to end up that way sooner or later. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it. And why on earth would I want to cling to someone who could have been so heartless? Realizing, now, in retrospect, that he never cared was at first a blow and very painful, but on further reflection, that actually made it easier to completely let go of any feelings I still harbored for him and to stop blaming myself. That self-blaming is one of the most destructive things that SPs get us to do. I do need to drill it into myself that it is not my fault! Neither being seduced by these creeps nor getting mistreated and/or dumped by them.
Bad apples, no kidding! Why should we mourn them??
I love it the way people here use “Towanda!” It’s a wonderful rallying cry. Really sums up getting our power back and our emotional foundation repaired. Thanks so much for everything everyone on this site has helped me with. This is one of the few places I feel safe and sane right now.
Skippy – I was skeptical about posting my thoughts/analogy about the apples…so much so that I felt the need to state no I hadnt lost my mind (yet)… thanks for getting it! It helps me make sense of it too on a more practical level – after the obessessing and ruminating and self-doubt truly passes… Im about 6 plus months away from 2 years not seeing him and almost 5 months of NC – except to collect money on the judgment…which btw I got another payment this week!!! Time heals, reflecting on ourselves heals and taking the time to go through the process and making sure you are not stuck in the process but rather gently nudging yourself to move forward in the process helped me alot. Ultimately we all come to realize its up to us to get out from under. And if we are depressed or in a bad way, it can be so damn hard, but just gotta do it for ourselves. We are the stronger of the two in these relationships, but we tend to be really hard on ourselves and forget about who we really are and what we are really all about.
I do struggle at times too, but Im allowing that to happen, almost welcoming it so it doesnt get the best of me. And I find it passes rather quickly now. You seem to have clarity now and a very clear understanding of what you went through and what your ex was/is all about. Im sorry we all had to go through our experiences, but as long as we learn and grow life truly becomes full again.
Its as if I thought I couldnt go on without him…that all there was to life, my happiness, my future, my worth was him…even if he were the healthiest person in the world…I would never want to view my existence/survival as being only worth while because of another. I want it to be worthwhile because Im it (life) for me!
I now understand our relationship was unhealthy. And I understand he was a bad apple for me in my life.. he didnt add more happiness to my existing happiness and he didnt bring out the best in me. I just gave my best away because thats all I knew to do – no matter how unhealthy things were. Now I reserve my best for myself and share it with others who earn the best of me, the rest of me.
He will never be anything other than an unhealthy person who goes in and out of relationships, lies, steals, cheats because thats all he knows to do and thats who he chooses to be. He is not the person I thought he was, he is not the guy for me. Im so lucky to be free !
Oxy/Kathy/Jim/Henry…
A have a huge big friendly green flag waving at me…its been waving my way for many months now…Im ready to wave my yellow flag back tonight…just for dinner…friendly company…adult conversation..growth…
Thank you for encouraging me to wait until I was really ready! I am! xox
LOL…kindheart48…”beginning to think all men are pigs..” Well, that might help for a while…and meeting “Mr. No Spark” might just mean you aren’t ready yet….go slow.
I might be a pig…but I don’t hear the call from the trough at the bar. I don’t go alone, seldom even when invited by friends. I think all the emotional-vampire “Jezebels” gather there on weekend nights…..so I stay away from ’em!
learnEDthe lesson….APPLES? Shiny, plump apples. Get away fom me with that apple, woman! Isn’t that what got this started? Just ask Adam how that “worked out for him” ala Dr. Phil.
Well, I got The Betrayal Bond” yesterday in the mail. 2/3 of the way through (first time…a lot in there) Fromm’s “Escape from Freedom”, Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning” still with an unbroken binding….so much homework!
Well, it’s almost 70, sunny for a few hours, top’s down on my Jeep…I’m going to go pound some yellow-green apple-looking fuzzy fruits with a strung stick (tennis).
I might come back later, keep a lid on the man-bashing…S/P/N bashing is OK. Let’s be gender-sensitive, PC, and I think some BPD’s are just “underdiagnosed” (ltl’s list).
(Exit with knuckles dragging on ground….TOWANDO!)