Is sociopathy a perversion? If yes, a perversion of what? And if it is a perversion, does this compel us to revisit the sociopaths’ culpability for his transgressions? After all, perversions imply antisocial, irrepressible impulses. If an impulse is irrepressible, or unsuppressible, how culpable is its expresser?
I think a good case can be made that sociopathy is a perversion—a perversion of personality characterized by the unsuppressible tendency to exploit others.
It’s not so much a question of the sociopath’s sanity: most sociopaths, by criminal standards, are sane. Then again, so are most kleptomaniacs.
When I refer to the sociopath’s unsuppressible tendency to exploit, I mean unsuppressible in a characterological, more than compulsive, sense. The sociopath, that is, appears characterologically to be driven to perpetrate incursions against others’ space and security.
While I think that sociopaths, like most transgressors, can exercise, on a case by case basis, some selective choice in determining when next, and whom, to violate, I do not think that sociopaths, in the bigger picture, can control their exploitive tendencies any more than saints can control their beneficent tendencies.
I regard it as inevitable that the sociopath will violate others and, unless stopped, violate repeatedly.
In my view, many wrongly interpret the sociopath’s capacity for situational self-restraint as suggestive of what ought, therefore, to be the sociopath’s capacity to cease his exploitation more broadly.
But I stress—while it’s true that most sane individuals, including sociopaths, can exercise some suppressive control over the expression, timing and direction of their antisocial tendencies in the short-term, it does not follow that they can maintain their self-regulation in the long-term.
The sociopath’s peculiar and profound self-centeredness, along with his inability to genuinely care about the harm he inflicts on others, explain why his exploitive tendencies, in the long-term at least, will demand expression.
Yet one often hear variations on the theme, “You know, when he’s not being cruel, deceptive and self-centered, he’s really a good guy.”
Or, “When she’s not scamming seniors out of their life savings, she’s got really good instincts.”
Carrying this logic a step further, it’s like saying, “You know, when he’s not raping women, he can be a quite tender, trusting lover.”
I commonly work with clients who see the refractory period separating the antisocial displays of their partners as tantalizing evidence of the latters’ “real personality;” of their “true potential” as partners/parents/friends; of how they’d be “all the time if they could just work through their demons.”
This is “enabling” thinking, steeped in denial and fantasy. It reflects the desperation to want to believe in the underlying goodness of the antisocial mate. One insists that with just a little more time, a little more forgiveness, a little more patience, one’s partner will recognize, finally, what he or she has been jeopardizing, and will finally properly value his or her mate, family and blessings.
Sometimes religious/spiritual individuals, for whom faith and forgiveness are integral to their identity, are especially prone to this self-delusive thinking. Their endurance of countless lies, deceptions and betrayals feels less about self-compromise than the fulfillment of their higher values.
They may harbor the hope, and faith, that their travails, if endured uncomplainingly and for long enough, will result finally in vindication—for instance, this will be the time he really sees the light!
I call this “reform-aholoc” thinking—that is, believing with a kind of blind faith in the antisocial partner’s capacity for reformation.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
learnEDthelesson?
“A have a huge big friendly green flag waving at me”its been waving my way for many months now”Im ready to wave my yellow flag back tonight”just for dinner”friendly company”adult conversation..growth”
Thank you for encouraging me to wait until I was really ready! I am! xox”
OK…as long as YOU remember all that advice you gave ME!
(smiley face icon thingy…use your imagination) LOL
JIM — What would LF be without the wonderful men who truly arent pigs, but priceless gems!!!! Needed that laugh more than youll know! Nerves tonight! Hope your tennis therapy was GOOD! Note to self…find and send Jim some shiny red tennis balls asap!!
Wait Indiana Jim… whats the question mark doing after my screenname!!!! LOL Wheres your vote of confidence when I need it!! And never listen to the advice of a woman bearing an apple!! C ya
ps..seriously, THANKS…I REMEMBER EVERY WORD! (happy face with tongue sticking out..)LOL
learnEDthelesson…the streetlights are on! You home yet? I’m going to start cleaning my shotgun now….
Oh, have a good time if he’s normal…we aren’t used to normal…and don’t cast your pearls before any men, pigs, swine whatever….you’ll do alright…have fun…carefully.
As I found out on my recent trip, spending time with non-disordered people can be relaxing when you haven’t experienced it for a while…TOWAND_A! for you.
Hi I have just read these entries as I have been offline for awhile. I am trying not to think about my ‘ex’ – Sociopath but tonight I could not help myself. I drove to where he lives, knew the address but had never been there. The curiosity was killing me. He’s married and was cheating with me and so I also wanted to know where he lived so that someday I can drive there and give his wife all the emails he wrote me, gifts he gave etc.
Sounds awful I know but I guess I am obsessed about it. I have been holding back telling his wife and will continue to do so for awhile. I want this decision to be out of concern for her, not my own vengence.
So I hope that it’s true about obsession; that they get over people easier – because it still is pretty strong in my heart!
Jim…keep the shotgun nearby… but…so far so good. Nice adult conversation, not too personal and not too impersonal…good company and laughs..made it clear that friendship is good for me right now…so we shall see how well THAT was received! Just nice to get out for a change and be comfortable with it. Might just be worth going to the Courthouse to do criminal/marital background check! (half smiley face/have serious face)… just not something Ive ever done before… but tonight was a nice diversion for me.
Sabine…You did what you had to do for yourself. What is it that is strong in your heart?? Pain or Love? Reality or Fantasy or Denial? I really like that you decided you wanted your decision to be out of concern for her, not your own vengence. Just remember you have to be concerned about and care about yourself and where you are.
Take a moment to take in what you did tonight…and see how you felt and what you gained from it or pained from it…try to start to see that his non-life, fake-life, low-life is not something that should interest you or take you down.
His wife most likely already knows he is a cheater. And you certainly do. There is nothing to go back to or for…he will never be a good guy for you or his wife OR ANYONE. Look ahead…thats where your happiness will find you again. He is not the guy for you or her or any decent soul. Im glad you got out.. work on setting your mind free now!
It takes work… but hopefully what you did will tonight will get/let a little more curiosity out of your system and you will start to realize he is not good for you in your life…or anyones for that matter! Hang in there!!!
Sabine – Read Learnthelesson’s post on the other thread {Women who love physcopaths) the 12 things on her list. I am still somewhat obsessed after 13 months no contact. I fight myself alot about checking up on my X – when I get that urge I come here and somebody wonderful has expressed themselves in a way that relates to my feelings, and I read the new post and some old ones, then I realize how futile my obsession is, how much it is taking from me, and it is only my fault, all the fact’s are right here in print over and over again, same bullshit different name. What would I gain from checking up on him? Only more heartache and prolonged healing that I must endure. All I know for sure is – That was not human that I was involved with, not the kind of human I want to be involved with. As much as I obsess and rehash the relationship I am sure of this – no way, no how would it of ever worked. One more thing I am sure of, any further contact on my part would be insane..all the fears and confusion and anxiety that it would bring about would be like rolling on razor blades naked then pouring lemon juice all over me. 13 months of healing thyself from undeniable evil would have to sart all over again. Once you know the fact’s and are sure of them you can only go forward, as painful as it is we must otherwise we die……hang in there sabine…
Dear Learnedthelesson, I like your analogy of the apples very much! And I find the analogy “Men = pigs” VERY unfair towards the pigs. They are intelligent, nice, sociable, friendly ceatures when kept in decent circumstances, but know to defend themselves, they go to fango because of their delicate skin, and they served humans in so many ways through the centuries (heart walves for instance!), and I think any analogy of S/N/P to some soulbearing creature is inappropriate. Hence the apple, the only use the apple has is grow a new tree, by offering some sweet surroundings that rot when touched. They rot inevitably. Our apple tree in the garden has apples that rot when being touched once, they are brown arriving at the kitchen. But they make wonderful pies and sauce. One rotten apple spoils the whole bag of previous healthy apples, also VERY true! And I do not mourn about apples, I just throw them to them become fertilizer for new wonderful blooms in the garden.
Stargazer: The no call no show is very familiar to me. I am now dating again, and met two nice guys who had some flaws (aka red flags). They did not contact me after nice afternoons with lively conversations (I was even prepared to give them the benefit of doubt!). But overcoming the urge to say “Thank you” with an email/call and waiting patiently instead for them to contact ME I know now that I can manage this urge “to people please”, and with the second “No call no show”-man I got it. IT IS ALSO AN ANSWER!!!! The first cut is/was the deepest, is my analogy. Now I am not even touched by it anymore. They cut themselves out of my life, I just have to have the patience to let them do the works. As the snake has no chance to get the fast mouse but is very capable to nourish herself (I was always wondering how they can survive! No feet, and the bait is Speedy Gonzales!). Snakes have the patience to wait for THE PERFECT MOMENT, temperature, adequate size of the bait ;-), the bait has to come TO THEM and not vice versa.
Sabine: The X lives in my hometown I visit every once in a while. I also have the urge to drive by some times, now I am even trying not to turn my head when I drive the intersection to sopt his car. I congratulate myself every time, and this gets easier also! (It has been 1 year now since I met him the last time, 2 months of REAL NC). YES WE CAN!!!!
Have you all a very nice weekend!
I wish you all a very peaceful
Kindheart said: “Then i got a call from a gf who i know has backstabbed me…… she heard that the s is in love and the woman worships him and how attractive she is(sorry but i’ve seen her but i didn’t need to hear it) and that someone asked if i was still drinking……… Today i called her on her crap……”
Kindheart, Good for you for calling her on her crap. This woman is no friend. She is trying to drag you down and deliberately doing it! She’s MEAN and toxic. I hope you won’t talk to this b*tch anymore! –Jen