Is sociopathy a perversion? If yes, a perversion of what? And if it is a perversion, does this compel us to revisit the sociopaths’ culpability for his transgressions? After all, perversions imply antisocial, irrepressible impulses. If an impulse is irrepressible, or unsuppressible, how culpable is its expresser?
I think a good case can be made that sociopathy is a perversion—a perversion of personality characterized by the unsuppressible tendency to exploit others.
It’s not so much a question of the sociopath’s sanity: most sociopaths, by criminal standards, are sane. Then again, so are most kleptomaniacs.
When I refer to the sociopath’s unsuppressible tendency to exploit, I mean unsuppressible in a characterological, more than compulsive, sense. The sociopath, that is, appears characterologically to be driven to perpetrate incursions against others’ space and security.
While I think that sociopaths, like most transgressors, can exercise, on a case by case basis, some selective choice in determining when next, and whom, to violate, I do not think that sociopaths, in the bigger picture, can control their exploitive tendencies any more than saints can control their beneficent tendencies.
I regard it as inevitable that the sociopath will violate others and, unless stopped, violate repeatedly.
In my view, many wrongly interpret the sociopath’s capacity for situational self-restraint as suggestive of what ought, therefore, to be the sociopath’s capacity to cease his exploitation more broadly.
But I stress—while it’s true that most sane individuals, including sociopaths, can exercise some suppressive control over the expression, timing and direction of their antisocial tendencies in the short-term, it does not follow that they can maintain their self-regulation in the long-term.
The sociopath’s peculiar and profound self-centeredness, along with his inability to genuinely care about the harm he inflicts on others, explain why his exploitive tendencies, in the long-term at least, will demand expression.
Yet one often hear variations on the theme, “You know, when he’s not being cruel, deceptive and self-centered, he’s really a good guy.”
Or, “When she’s not scamming seniors out of their life savings, she’s got really good instincts.”
Carrying this logic a step further, it’s like saying, “You know, when he’s not raping women, he can be a quite tender, trusting lover.”
I commonly work with clients who see the refractory period separating the antisocial displays of their partners as tantalizing evidence of the latters’ “real personality;” of their “true potential” as partners/parents/friends; of how they’d be “all the time if they could just work through their demons.”
This is “enabling” thinking, steeped in denial and fantasy. It reflects the desperation to want to believe in the underlying goodness of the antisocial mate. One insists that with just a little more time, a little more forgiveness, a little more patience, one’s partner will recognize, finally, what he or she has been jeopardizing, and will finally properly value his or her mate, family and blessings.
Sometimes religious/spiritual individuals, for whom faith and forgiveness are integral to their identity, are especially prone to this self-delusive thinking. Their endurance of countless lies, deceptions and betrayals feels less about self-compromise than the fulfillment of their higher values.
They may harbor the hope, and faith, that their travails, if endured uncomplainingly and for long enough, will result finally in vindication—for instance, this will be the time he really sees the light!
I call this “reform-aholoc” thinking—that is, believing with a kind of blind faith in the antisocial partner’s capacity for reformation.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Henry
I know what you mean- It’s been almost 9 months since the mask came off-the D&D began – when the monster was revealed. NC is still very hard for me too- a daily struggle that I broke two weeks ago when his father died. But as much as I want to contact him or for him to contact me, I actually do better emotionally with NC. Stay strong!!! I will try to too!!!
Right on advice, Jen!
When others want to “give us the dirt” on the X they are NOT our friends! If people who try to tell us about the other person (the S) were told UP FRONT, “I really don’t want to discuss the X” and then stick to it, we will soon find out that by NOT hearing about them, we are better off. Any information that they are “doing well” upsets us, and information that they are “not doing well” might make us have glee about their down fall, which, ultimately, I think is just as damaging to US as the “good news” about them. NO NEWS is the BEST NEWS, but sometimes WE have to be the ones to set the boundaries.
We have a RIGHT to what we will or will NOT discuss, and setting that boundary is something that will PROTECT US.
Each time I learn to set a boundary I feel so POWERFUL, and it is a good feeling. I always had that power, but I didn’t know how to USE IT to my own benefit. If I used it I felt guilty or “unkind” but it isn’t about being “unkind” to someone to set a boundary, it is being KIND TO YOURSELF.
Yesterday I had to speak to my egg donor on business (we are both trustees on our family land) and I am very pleased with myself about how I handled it. Once she started to make a “joke” out of something I had joked about once. I ignored her laughter and didn’t respond to the joke. (long silence while she waited for me to laugh and make a joke back) then she mentioned that tomorrow (today now) was her 80th birthday, another long silence (on my part) while she waited for me to respond “Well, Happy birthday”, then eventually when she saw I wasn’t going to respond, she went back to talking business.
She also had some papers I needed to look at and she suggested that I come pick them up right then. I replied I was busy at the moment and would send my son D to pick them up as he was on his way back from a job. I had told him on the phone that since he was riding with another person this would keep him from having her keep him there talking. He zipped in, got the papers and left.
It has been quite some time since I spoke with her last, when she ambushed me suddenly in a store as I was checking out, several months ago. The ambush suprised me and angered me when she tried to trivalize my concerns for my own life and safety. This time, I was in control and the phone conversation was not unexpected. I didn’t allow it to go anywhere except business. I have since handled things about the situation by e mail (which I keep a copy of in case I need it for evidence).
This time (“pat, pat”–that’s the sound of me patting myself on the back) I didn’t let her take control of my emotions or get control of the conversation and I kept my head and heart in hand and was able to do what I had to do without a big emotional kick in the gut. It has taken a LONG HARD ROAD to get to this place. I no longer expect her to respect me, and I am no longer willing to play her games of “let’s pretend none of this happened.” I do, however, have to have a business relationship with her since we are both trustees, however, I do NOT have to have a personal relationship with her.
I accept what and who she is for what and who she is. NO “disappointment” = no hurt for me.
jThanks Jenn, and yes i’ve know for a long time this girl was trouble but i kept thinking she had a heart as well and go figure she met a guy who seems to be a decent family man whose wife passed away and was on life support when this gf went after him as he has money. I’ve let this girl buy everything nice i have as she always wants what i have. She has the decent guy but i feel for him, he reminds me so much of myself in early phase my other girlfriend has a saying and it applies to him and i ” When you haven’t met it before you don’t know what it is” as this girl is an alcoholic with a huge narcotic dependency as well and is convincing him to sell his house here and move to vancouver away from his 3 lovely grown daughters, i’ve always suspected a personality disorder with her but it all gets rather fuzzy when addcitions are involved. I’ve take n her kid food (he’s on welfare a loaf like her). I was thinking what would she have against me, she’s got the nice guy. also heard she’s told his fam some crap about me (can’t imagine why or what” but a yound guy i know said he defended me ans said ” That’s not the same girl you are talking about as i know her” . I had to have a n old gf yest tell me and another gf as well that she is jealous, even though she has a good guy. I’ve got my house paid for , nice car, decent enough job and good kids so i can see what it is that she wants. She has been living with a guy for years but sponging off of men (includeing my brother when he ws first separated) and this guy i think is in on the scams as well. I feel for the guy she’s got thinking his girls are selfish but not my issue, and you are right on nothing good is coming from her and she has not appreciated anything i’ve done for her or her son. Her ex sister in law works with me at the bank and has said all along, you are too good to her. I have other gf’s who care about me and i don’t need her drama, suspect she’s Histrionic. Has to be centre of attention at all times, whining voice i won’t miss haha. Thanks again Jenn as i know i can tend to forigive and forget way to easlily and i know i should have dropped her a long time ago. love kh
Wow! I just took a break to see how KH was doing, and there’s so much great insight I had to use the “find” button to respond. KH, you are a lot better and it gets better with time, though sometimes I “relapse’ — I’ll be good for a few days and then suddenly miss the creep.
Today started out wonderful, I woke up feeling good and got right up, no laying there for 1.5 hours thinking about him. But then I got a call (not from him) that he was coming to my city again soon. I was shook up for hours, then realized that the only (no, most likely) way he could be paying for this trip is that he’s found another sucker.
“When you hear hoofbeats, look for horses not Zebras” — old saying. A new victim is the most likely explanation. So I’m hoping not to hear from him, but of course playing the tapes of what to say if I do. Started to obsess, and was comforted by Skippies’ post, thank you and thank you for your compliment on mine. It has been a lot of work for me to forgive myself the time I have taken, reading books, talking about it. But my own sanity deserves attention too, that I need to make a healthy recovery and learn all I can about this pathological attachment and not let it happen again. Nor am I productive when depressed.
Then I took an hour off just for me, an activity I love and have not done once during this bogus reconciliation and loved it.
This guy used to do what Stargazers did, not a “no show, no call” but a direct break-up, you’re ruining the relationship, it just won’t work, I’m not calling again. Then within a few days I would hear from him, at first just as a friend but within 2 or 3 calls we’d be back on. Sometimes I saw him, we fought, I’d leave in tears, and he’d call and say “I love you” as I was driving away. This happened more times than I can even count.
Agree, Sabine, that it’s important that when you call the wife it is out of concern. But the big risk in telling her at all is that you are going to get a furious call from him. Do you think she could be trusted not to tell him how she knows? If not, it might be better to leave it alone, like LTL told me when I was worried about Jane.
If you do call and are vengeful she will pick up on it and it will give him an out when she confronts him. “She’s just crazy, just had a thing for me, you know you can make an email look like it came from anywhere.” It will be critical that she believes you, and you are right to document. She will want to go denial and he will be pushing her there, so whatever you show her must be rock solid. Your S’s wife needs to know that you are not telling her so that he will divorce her and come back to you. Of course you’re mad at him, that’s OK and she will know that, but you don’t want him back. Until you can tell her for her own sake, to make it right, it might be better to deliver the info anonymously or through a mutual friend. She does not need all the emails, there must be one or two that tell the whole story and if she only gets that one or two it could have come from anyone.
I had a friend like KH’s too, guess we all have. This gal had had a guy in her past that took care of her for years without sex, excuses about her kids. All along her drug dealing bf hiding in the bedroom when she made him dinner. Then she did it again to another more recently, this time just telling him she needed more time.
And I just shrugged it off because she was my friend and was always “there” for me. I helped her too, obviously, occ worked for me, and bail-outs. There were a lot of disasters when she was around, not directly her fault but real serious. After the last round, I just wanted her out of my life. Then she turned on my big-time. Out and out blackmail. “I could take you down” was one. Interesting, the P had picked up on her, perhaps their one useful quality is they spot each other from across a shopping mall.
A person who treats others like cr*p will eventually treat you the same, no matter how much they sing your praises or swear their loyalty. My P did that a lot, told me he was the most loyal person in my life.
If that’s the case, I’ll stick to animals thank you.
Looking for the good apples might be easier in a small town where people know each other and have reputations, and even most rural courts have their info on-line. Federal is easy. http://www.bop.gov. Anyone who was ever in on a federal case is in there, even if released. Provided they are using the same name.
Happy hunting!
Use, interesting what you said about your gf. as this particular gf of mine years ago when i was in a huge fog(a daze after my husband left) and she and the s i could tell were at a standoff with each other and i kne w intuitively or i thought they’ve got each others number. I m so sick of buying into the ficade of what he sold me (3rd generation car salesman as well) as i know it’s not the real him but it’s the real him i know if that makes any sense. Very hurt and frustrated over the whole situation, as i know he’s not what i want and yet he’s managed to make me want hi m anyway, dam perplexing to say the least. Guy with the plane called 3 times today and i ‘m not interested, not in a good place for sure. you know i had such a great husband, how could i have let that go but i was drinking heavily etc. but i sure didn’t know how good i had it and if i could do it over again i would def do it differently. At least i do know what it was like to be with someone decent. At times i’ve even wondered if i imagined that about my ex as well, this whole ordeal has left me questioning everything, my own perceptions most of all. Who is the good guy ? Is it all in my head? What is wrong with Me? I just want to be at peace and not think about him any more. Time and no contact i know but it can’t come soon enough. love kindheart
dear stargazzer and others. mine does the no call thing to o. the bigest nasty one is he says ill call you for your birthday to say happy birthday i guess, and last two years he doesnt call doesnt even text. im sure he does this to hurt me the most as we always contacted on our birthdays even after the break up. i can see how they use it to controll and test, then he will contact me sometims after some months of nothing out of the blue. what is the betrayal bond i havent heard of this but anyway it sounds like what he does thats for sure. i had a laugh the other day though, i heard he was going on hollidays with his buddy who he constantly uses, just the two of them in a beach appartment on the coast, how boring for them, and the weather was rain rain, storm and even floods where they were going. i laughed and laughed guess he isnt having so much fun after all like he wants me to think. i am how ever feeling a little stuck in my life and not meeting anyone i could want a relationship with like i want to. but at least not being used . just wish i could feel like life is moving the direction i want it to, but i dont feel like it is. anyone else feel this.
Learn the Lesson; I just read your post about “an apple a day” having new meaning. You are so very talented at putting things in perspective. I am glad that you were “thinking too much” and summed it all up. I too am emerging from the healing process and lesson learned. I went into a coccon state for a while to heal and now I am unfolding my wings and ready to fly! I am a delicate butterfly taking much better care of myself in the process. I learned to let go. I am not in control and do not need to be. You give such encouraging advice and it makes a difference. Thank You and glad that you had a “nice diversion”. You deserve the BEST! Take care!
jules…
“just wish i could feel like life is moving the direction i want it to, but i dont feel like it is. anyone else feel this.”
Oh yeah, all the time. The good thing, away from the ex-tox, it IS better than it was. But now I’ve lived alone for three years, and have no one to blame but me. LOL. It’s been pretty peaceful, but unless I motivate myself, I’m going to put myself back in a stressful environment financially. At least I have a choice….and I have to kick an internet addiction. Are there “groups” for that on the internet?…whoa, wait a minute…what am I thinking?LOL
learnEDthelesson, libelle, sabine…
I spent too much time yesterday on a post about men, pigs, fango (I learned a new word), apples, small towns….and it just disappeared in the ether (Thanks, Lord, once again!)
So oink, oink, snort, and the best for/to you all! TOWANDO!
(Darn, my skin was dry, it rained a lot, and my laptop’s covered with mud! Who said pigs had it easy….?)
jules, Meg, and Matt too, Anyone, Focus on what it is you want your life to look like. jules Remove your attention from the “beach bum”. It doesn’t matter what he does or who he does. It is wasted time and energy and TIME to make YOUR LIFE more exciting and interesting. It is YOUR TIME! Make a “vision board”. Put things that are important to you and what you are interested in on the board (small poster boards-3 make a tri-fold) Put positive sayings or your beliefs that make you feel happy or inspired or motivated when you read them. Cut out pictures and add to it. Oprah magazines are great for cutting out inspriational stuff. My local library has donated magaizines on a table for free. I started saving some money each month last year and making a list of places that I want to go. “Simple Pleasures” is what I call it. I have plans and am going! I, like Matt, have had to drop old friends and make new ones. I was alone and had noone to go and do things with. So I joined a volunteer group for Main St. Events. It has great music each week downtown and I meet all kinds of people (putting event wristbands on them, selling tickets, serving wine etc.). I enjoy the music, it’s safe, I get to meet other volunteers and so many people, and the money and my time go to great causes like Habitat for Humanity, Humane Society, Senior Solutions, Kid programs, etc. They have some big events too besides each week. Find something worthwhile to give your time to . Find an interest and start there. You never know what kind of connections you will make for a job or new friendships. Get un-stuck and start thinking. I now have too many things to attend. It is so much FUN! and I don’t have time to think about the past because I am so busy making new memories and looking forward to the future. Just DO IT! It will be a step in the right direction. Focus on You!