Is sociopathy a perversion? If yes, a perversion of what? And if it is a perversion, does this compel us to revisit the sociopaths’ culpability for his transgressions? After all, perversions imply antisocial, irrepressible impulses. If an impulse is irrepressible, or unsuppressible, how culpable is its expresser?
I think a good case can be made that sociopathy is a perversion—a perversion of personality characterized by the unsuppressible tendency to exploit others.
It’s not so much a question of the sociopath’s sanity: most sociopaths, by criminal standards, are sane. Then again, so are most kleptomaniacs.
When I refer to the sociopath’s unsuppressible tendency to exploit, I mean unsuppressible in a characterological, more than compulsive, sense. The sociopath, that is, appears characterologically to be driven to perpetrate incursions against others’ space and security.
While I think that sociopaths, like most transgressors, can exercise, on a case by case basis, some selective choice in determining when next, and whom, to violate, I do not think that sociopaths, in the bigger picture, can control their exploitive tendencies any more than saints can control their beneficent tendencies.
I regard it as inevitable that the sociopath will violate others and, unless stopped, violate repeatedly.
In my view, many wrongly interpret the sociopath’s capacity for situational self-restraint as suggestive of what ought, therefore, to be the sociopath’s capacity to cease his exploitation more broadly.
But I stress—while it’s true that most sane individuals, including sociopaths, can exercise some suppressive control over the expression, timing and direction of their antisocial tendencies in the short-term, it does not follow that they can maintain their self-regulation in the long-term.
The sociopath’s peculiar and profound self-centeredness, along with his inability to genuinely care about the harm he inflicts on others, explain why his exploitive tendencies, in the long-term at least, will demand expression.
Yet one often hear variations on the theme, “You know, when he’s not being cruel, deceptive and self-centered, he’s really a good guy.”
Or, “When she’s not scamming seniors out of their life savings, she’s got really good instincts.”
Carrying this logic a step further, it’s like saying, “You know, when he’s not raping women, he can be a quite tender, trusting lover.”
I commonly work with clients who see the refractory period separating the antisocial displays of their partners as tantalizing evidence of the latters’ “real personality;” of their “true potential” as partners/parents/friends; of how they’d be “all the time if they could just work through their demons.”
This is “enabling” thinking, steeped in denial and fantasy. It reflects the desperation to want to believe in the underlying goodness of the antisocial mate. One insists that with just a little more time, a little more forgiveness, a little more patience, one’s partner will recognize, finally, what he or she has been jeopardizing, and will finally properly value his or her mate, family and blessings.
Sometimes religious/spiritual individuals, for whom faith and forgiveness are integral to their identity, are especially prone to this self-delusive thinking. Their endurance of countless lies, deceptions and betrayals feels less about self-compromise than the fulfillment of their higher values.
They may harbor the hope, and faith, that their travails, if endured uncomplainingly and for long enough, will result finally in vindication—for instance, this will be the time he really sees the light!
I call this “reform-aholoc” thinking—that is, believing with a kind of blind faith in the antisocial partner’s capacity for reformation.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear Truebeliever,
Thank you. I feel the same way about so many who share their stories and insightfulness here. Truly, I believe I was suppose to end up at LF to help me find my way again…or create a better way for myself again and if my journey can be helpful to just person who is trying to recover from a dysfunctional situation…Im even more blessed to have found LF.
Learning to let go. Learning to trust ourselves, learning to accept the truth as it relates to the reality of the relationship, learning to think about ourselves our well-being, our future…just basically keep learning and growing and being kind to yourself and life will treat you kind.
I am still learning and growing. But I am no longer stuck or stagnant with a toxic person or dysfunctional relationship. I know I deserve to give myself and others the best I can and receive goodness from others who give themselves the best they can. He didnt and couldnt. He was not the right friend or romantic partner for me.
We all deserve the best.. and when we truly believe that, along with giving ourselves the best.. life becomes manageable and peaceful again!
Good luck to you! Im glad you are on a more positive journey too!
Jim…
LTL wrote yesterday at 5:28pm…
“JIM What would LF be without the wonderful men who truly arent pigs, but priceless gems!!!! ”
Wipe that mud off your screen! And polish yourself off…gems are meant to shine like apples…
Best to/for you too! ? Are you leaving…internet addiction… huh??
TRUEBELIEVER…
I LOVE YOUR POST TO Jules, Meg, Matt, and Everyone! It is what we all must do when we are ready…and even if we think we are not ready…what in the world do we have to lose by trying it with a positive attitude!!!!
Physically they are gone, emotionally they are gone, now the last hurdle…mentally we have to get strong, change our thoughts, and let go.
One day at a time. With a promise to ourselves to create a new and better life.
Thank you LTL!
I learned a few things while quietly contemplating in my winter cocoon. I have my “vision board” in my bedroom where I can see it when I wake up and before I go to sleep.
It is comforting and keeps me focused on more positive thoughts and encourages me to take ACTION. You are right, some days you just are not ready but it is still a great reminder and something to look forward too. You would be surprised how it helps give you a new sense of direction.
Dear truebeliever,
That IS a GREAT post and some wonderful advice. Sometimes when we are really depressed and down we hibernate and stagnate because we don’t have the energy to do those things. I’ve been (in the past) where just getting out of bed was almost more than I could accomplish each day, but you are right, we have to MAKE OURSELVES do things FOR US that are good.
You sound like you are doing very well and I am so happy for you! Depending on ourselves to provide for ourselves is the best way all around! Great advice!!! (((hugs))))
Thanks Oxy!
You too give wonderful advice. So glad you are here to cheer on the “newbies” and keep the “oldies but goodies” in line with your skillet. We need that from time to time. Ofcourse you do it with tender lovin’ care and (((hugs))).
I am making progress! Thanks again. Take care 🙂
Dear Jules,
There was a time a few months ago that i thought what I was missing was someone new, someone else…thats all I needed. But I was encouraged to keep working on myself…stay focused on myself…and get to the point where I wasnt feeling as though I needed someone in my life to take me, my life in a new direction… I had to learn to depend on myself to make my days fulfilled, to find myself again and to know myself.
Life is moving and passing us everyday. Whether or not we like the direction is solely up to us to change. But having someone else on board too early doesnt necessarily make the direction move any better or faster or healthier…its just a distraction.
When you are at the point where you dont even want or need to hear from him on your bd because he is a BAD person for you in your life whether or not he says happy birthday or not. Even if he said HB to me, I now know he isnt capable of really caring and meaning it…its just a game to them. When is your birthday? Maybe give yourself a present and change your number 🙂
I know all of this is easier said than done…and the pain and hurt is very real…but with time and understanding and getting to know yourself and why you were with him after the red flags appeared or continued to stay with him…will help you change direction and create a better foundation for yourself without him…or anyone for now. Life is about you for now!!
p.s. Jim…
That post I copied, pasted and submitted about The Dirty Dozen of Psychopaths… originated when someone asked about whether anybody knows of others doing research on FEMALE PSYCHOPATHS… and when i came across the list although it made reference to female psychopaths..it primarily was about women who say “but he said he loved me”… and then the list followed.
Yesterday I got an email from Donna asking me for information about the lists origination for copyright concerns… I was so worried I had done something wrong…and tried to remember how in the world I ended up with that list in my search…luckily I was able to and provided her the link. And LEARNED whats I can and cant do with outside information here.
But what I really LEARNED from you in thinking about what you said, was that in providing the list, it was primarily directed at and as men being the (S/P/N) and ultimately it was ignorant and insensitve to the LF men. My apologies for that. It was not my intention.
Thank you Jim, for making me aware of my oversight. And thank you Donna for understanding I wasnt aware of the LF copyright policies.
learnEDthelesson-
Abby, Abby, Abby….LOL! “ignorant” and “insensitive “? You? It’s a cultural issue, not PC to call a woman a psychopath unless she’s up for murder, and even then abuse by a man might be a defense.
Ill check with my therapist (June I think) and let you know if he can diagnose me as “thin-skinned” or BPD..
No offense taken….didn’t take it personally! Lighten up, apple lady. Glad you enjoyed yourself the other night.
And thanks, Donna, overseer of the Lovefraud domain. Another reminder you’re on the job!
Jim in Indiana: sorry! Fango is the Italian word for healthy volcanic mud, used for Rheumatic diseases.
Today and yesterday I had difficult times. Rollercoaster again, this time with my sister who put up a very cruel D&D on me, all mirroring her weaknesses onto me and put right into perspective they are huge compliments for me, calling me skinny and in front of her boyfriend “Asparagus-woman” (I had weight issues for years, but could manage to lose weight and stay this way, I am completely normal, BMI 21,5), independent, she was angry with my new car (I LOVE my new hybrid car, and I do not care what others think about it and I don’t discuss it, the car-radio was searching a new radio program on its own which my sister did not like!), with my new dress (I know it is a wonderful dress, and I do NOT care what others think about). I am quite sad because I think I saw the mask of her coming down for good. I am done with being treated like that!!! No need to talk it over with her. She won’t change, it won’t change. I am very sad for my niece.
Thank you all I could see it for what it was, and I could really enjoy the very nice surroundings of the D&D, a very nice convention with great food and meeting nice people, on Sunday I was gardening and having fun with my 7 year old niece; this annoys my sister even more, I am sure. After the great gardening (5 hours with my niece in my sister’s garden; my sister did not like us putting up a veggie place with sweet corn, salad and carrots, but it is also my niece’s garden too after all! My niece is planning to sell the carrots to help making a living, so that they can buy cheese for me too! It was so heartbreaking; my sister always tells her that she has little time for her because she has to earn money; she is a lawyer!) I just left, without eating her cooking (she was complaining that I was always eating at her place too), no discussion. No call from her afterwards. It is all MY fault of course! It is so sad because she gave me the hint of the psychopath; seems she is a N. Until today I thought that after difficult times we were best friends. I seem to be wrong.
In the evening I could talk with two friends, and I could manage not to take it personally. Thank you all for letting me vent, and I will definitely make a vision board (thank you truebeliever!!)
I already have a board with some verses and sayings: “Keep calm; in 100 years from now all will be over” (Ralph Waldo Emerson), and ” It is easier to solve problems than to live with them” Albert Einstein. I have to add some really comforting stuff too!
I wish you all a peaceful week!