Is sociopathy a perversion? If yes, a perversion of what? And if it is a perversion, does this compel us to revisit the sociopaths’ culpability for his transgressions? After all, perversions imply antisocial, irrepressible impulses. If an impulse is irrepressible, or unsuppressible, how culpable is its expresser?
I think a good case can be made that sociopathy is a perversion—a perversion of personality characterized by the unsuppressible tendency to exploit others.
It’s not so much a question of the sociopath’s sanity: most sociopaths, by criminal standards, are sane. Then again, so are most kleptomaniacs.
When I refer to the sociopath’s unsuppressible tendency to exploit, I mean unsuppressible in a characterological, more than compulsive, sense. The sociopath, that is, appears characterologically to be driven to perpetrate incursions against others’ space and security.
While I think that sociopaths, like most transgressors, can exercise, on a case by case basis, some selective choice in determining when next, and whom, to violate, I do not think that sociopaths, in the bigger picture, can control their exploitive tendencies any more than saints can control their beneficent tendencies.
I regard it as inevitable that the sociopath will violate others and, unless stopped, violate repeatedly.
In my view, many wrongly interpret the sociopath’s capacity for situational self-restraint as suggestive of what ought, therefore, to be the sociopath’s capacity to cease his exploitation more broadly.
But I stress—while it’s true that most sane individuals, including sociopaths, can exercise some suppressive control over the expression, timing and direction of their antisocial tendencies in the short-term, it does not follow that they can maintain their self-regulation in the long-term.
The sociopath’s peculiar and profound self-centeredness, along with his inability to genuinely care about the harm he inflicts on others, explain why his exploitive tendencies, in the long-term at least, will demand expression.
Yet one often hear variations on the theme, “You know, when he’s not being cruel, deceptive and self-centered, he’s really a good guy.”
Or, “When she’s not scamming seniors out of their life savings, she’s got really good instincts.”
Carrying this logic a step further, it’s like saying, “You know, when he’s not raping women, he can be a quite tender, trusting lover.”
I commonly work with clients who see the refractory period separating the antisocial displays of their partners as tantalizing evidence of the latters’ “real personality;” of their “true potential” as partners/parents/friends; of how they’d be “all the time if they could just work through their demons.”
This is “enabling” thinking, steeped in denial and fantasy. It reflects the desperation to want to believe in the underlying goodness of the antisocial mate. One insists that with just a little more time, a little more forgiveness, a little more patience, one’s partner will recognize, finally, what he or she has been jeopardizing, and will finally properly value his or her mate, family and blessings.
Sometimes religious/spiritual individuals, for whom faith and forgiveness are integral to their identity, are especially prone to this self-delusive thinking. Their endurance of countless lies, deceptions and betrayals feels less about self-compromise than the fulfillment of their higher values.
They may harbor the hope, and faith, that their travails, if endured uncomplainingly and for long enough, will result finally in vindication—for instance, this will be the time he really sees the light!
I call this “reform-aholoc” thinking—that is, believing with a kind of blind faith in the antisocial partner’s capacity for reformation.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Hey – Hi to All!11
I have been running with the kids so I’ve been reading and not posting. I loved this article from Steve. I read and re-read.
BUT I CANNOT cope today and I feel like – such a betrayed victim I can’t stand it!!!!!
It will be a year tomorrow since he walked out and that’s enough. Friday I heard second hand he was opening his B-B-Que place that night and he never told even the kids- !!!!
He has made my son go there EVERY SINGLE PARENTING WEEKEND for a YEAR and he DOESN”T TELL EVEN HIM????
Sorry – yes I want to scream!!!! So he tells my 10 year old on the phone yesterday and I lost it. We were in the car and he upset our son so I took the phone and told the N/S that he was cruel and blind to anyone but himself. His answer was ” What was I supposed to do”?
I did not go there mjyself because I couldn’t trust myself to be appropriate for the last 2 days. But today we went shopping and the kids asked to go – I discouraged them but I put my big girl panties on , buried my emotions deep and took the drive. My son has been there so often that at 10 he was able to get me there – 50 minutes away!!!! He knew every turn there and back – I was so proud of him.
I felt I had to go to try and get an idea of what he spent on the place as we are not divorced yet – he has been stalling – why I don’t know – and my God now I know why he created so much debt besides what he squandered – the place is gorgeous -the first thing I have ever seen him complete. I know he has talent – and it shines in this place. I had to choke back my tears because it was “SUPPOSED” to be OUR place. But he stuck around just to ghet his funds and plan in order – as you all know he has put us in 7 figure debt and is going to give me half of it.
So now he has the NEW HOUSE, a second business running, buried in debt – what will happen now?
I know you are all reading my mind – yes I am afraid he will be successful – he’s done it on my back too – but he will keep all cash for himself as he has done for years now. He has planned and plodded and gotten what he wants – and yes I am angry at the injustice. How will I EVER pay off the debt he will leave me with while he has built two businesses- one which he has just about destroyed so he shows NOTHING for the divorce .
I am sure however he will resurrect it when the time is right.
I cannot believe the nightmare I am in and if I am not angry I’m in tears!!!! I don’t want God to let him get away with all this!!!!
All kinds of folks coming in and congratulating him and remarking what a great guy he is!!!! They look at him like he is a GOD – OK they only know what they know – but I wanted to shout out “He’s not NICE – he stole from me and the kids to build this – and left so he would never have to share it – unless he does with the skank!!!”
And he’s an unfaithful husband !! Not even faithful to his affairs!!! And he’s a N/S!!!! But of course –
I had my big girl panties on and acted with dignity – even when he smiled at me like I was a good friend – asked me “How are You?” Gee – could I say – I’m just here to see what you did behind my back – what I am going to help pay off for the rest of my life? Oh – by the way – is your skank here??? I don’t mean to interrupt.
So the kids ate- bittersweet says my daughter. She says she is proud he finally finished something – even though he did it for HIMSELF – her feelings are very conflicted.
AND yes- hit me with the SKILLET – I actually felt like if I was still with him I WOULD BE SO PROUD TOO!!!!
But I am not with him- we are not- he hid finances and created debt to do this – re-mortgaged our home – and while he basks in the limelight I can’t sleep because I don’t know what will happen to me and the kids.
So when I left, I said ” You did a really nice job. Just never forget what you took from me and the kids to get this.” He said – “I didn’t do anything to anybody.”
I said ” It wasn’t enough you had affairs, you stole from me, and you left for 6 months. You came back, continued your affairs, went on web-sites that make me sick. And you don’t need help?” He looked me straight in the eyes and replied “What does it all matter now?”
And I looked him in his eyes and said ” You don’t get it. It mattered when you came home and pretended to love me. It mattered then that you could so coldly betray me again and again. It matters now – enjoy your success – it cost all of us a lot.”
I am yet on another spiral downward – and this one hurts – I hoped he would go bankrupt before he got to this point – he is just glowing with all the attention he is getting.
And my heart fears the lure of money will draw my kids back to him. I cannot let them turn into users themselves.
I know you guys are out there – and I really need you tonight.
Dear Newlife,
Nah, I won’t hit you with the skillet, II think you are in enough pain already! (((((((hugs)))))) and my prayers! Love Oxy
newlife08:
I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. As I’ve read your posts recently regarding the actions of S vis-a-vis your 10 year old, I’ve had one thought — if there was anything this prick wasn’t doing to alienate your son, I can’t think of it.
I suspect in another year or two, at the rate he is going, your son will not want to spend one second with this creature. AS for his old age, all I can say is he should be nicer to your kids — they’re the ones who get to choose his nursing home in the end, as well as his end. The words “public institution” aka “Shady Pines” are popping into my mind.
As for his restaurant, are you sure you don’t mean YOUR restaurant? Seems to me since this “project” was begun during your marriage, this makes it a marital asset.
I also had a thought — since S was so big on running through assets and racking up debt, maybe it’s your turn to do so, by hiring a forensic accountant. Have you discussed your lawyer going into court and getting an order for a forensic accountant to be paid for by S or at a minimum out of marital assets.
Since he seems determined to tank you financially, I would talk to a bankruptcy attorney. If you’re going down, I’d take him with me by going to the State liquor licensing authority, the state tax department, the IRS — all of them. I have friends who work for the IRS and trust me when I say they love restaurants because they know the owners are always hiding cash.
Also, a restaurant without a liquor license is essentially worthless. Since your husband seems to have so many “questionable” associates, the liquor authority would be most interested, since they do try to keep “questionable” people away from liquor licenses.
That said, I wouldn’t subject myself to his “hospitality” again — except for one reason. I’d park myself in there at a busy time, and try to get a handle on the volume of business, especially drinks being served. It will give you leverage when he claims the business losing money and you go in giving you observations on the volume of business he is doing.
Hang in there, speaking from personal experience, the uncertainty is the worst part of this whole process.
Hey, newlife–
I’m new so you don’t know me, but I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your pain. I know it must be so incredibly embittering and so infuriating to see this success. I used to believe in karma until I watched the SP in my life go on to get everything I’d worked my entire adult life for, take what little I had, and have everyone think, yes, he’s a god. I don’t know if he’s targeted anyone else in this community–I know he and his wife moved here from some place else. But no one, the few people I told about what he did and who I thought were my closest friends, believes me or even wants to. So I come here to vent, as you are. Maybe karma doesn’t take place in the way we think it does. Maybe it doesn’t take place in this life. But I do believe that we can find a way to triumph and whether those who tortured and betrayed us do well or poorly won’t matter to us ultimately. I don’t see my way there yet but I can tell lots of wise, amazing, and insightful people on this site have. Hang in there. Go beat up a pillow or something. Scream your head off. You have every right to be angry. But along with that, be kind and loving to yourself, comfort and nurture and soothe yourself, because you deserve that, too.
Thanks, OXY – I need the mercy today.
And Skippy – you are new – welcome and sorry you have reason to be here.
And DEAREST MATT
Newlife, i feel for you and am right along with you. I’ve gone into anger at my s today and am doing everything not to cll him. He to o apparantly is a millionair e , sold family care dealership years ago for alot of money. He is unemployable as he was a disgrace to Ford and i heard they forced him out so to speak. He was so cheap with me and i spent so much energy and time on he and that crackhead daughter. Then he just bought another dupex near me and is holding the mortgage recently on a bar that his doctor buddie (loser warped pig too)) anything for his male buddies. I hate his guts today and would love to tell him i wish he would just die and this is totally out of character for me. Of course the crackhead won’t call when im in this frame of mind. They are both a waste of good air and like yo u i really hope he loses his shirt esp with the economy the way it is. He deserves nothing good in life , not a drop. sorry to sound so harsh but it’s the truth and i need to live in the truth. I know it must be even worse for you after being married to the assho*** but you have your kids and kids are pretty smart. They see through alot . love kindheart
libelle…no need for apology. I remembered, or had a feeling from previous posts, that you were in Europe. You were one of the reasons I put USA at the end of my screen name. As one of the “arrogant” Americans, I didn’t expect everyone on an international site to know all the states and state capitols in the US. We don’t have much Armani, Gucci, or designer spa mud here…just…well…mud! But I think it’s still therapeutic. And rest assured I’ll be using “fango” in the future in conversations, whenever I can. Instead of your “sorry”, accept my “Thank you!”, or the Italian version.
Your English is excellent, my Italian…well…I know fango now!
It is a bit of a shock when you begin to note those traits in others, not just your personal predator(s). But then, it will be good in the long run to know your own value and protect it. I’m sure your niece appreciated your presence.
newlife08-bad deal for you, but, I like Matt’s suggestions. My situation was nowhere nearly as scary as yours. Over three years ago, at the first meeting with my attorney, I asked: “Can I hire somebody? If I EVER think of getting married again, I want to be kidnapped, put in a padded jacket with sleeves that tie behind my back, and thrown in a padded cell until the idea goes away!” or find an attorney who thinks like Matt!
newlife, be as gentle as a dove…and wise as a serpent. You’ve looked at the worst case scenario…and it’s only “stuff”…not the real you…and not your son. That said…burn the S if you can…in court.
Skippy….yeah, my ex-tox just “seemed so sweet” to others. Unless they knew “something wasn’t right”, nobody believed me. I never discussed it with “her” friends. Stopped telling the story altogether. Just…lived.
I believe you. We believe you. You’ll triumph…for you.
You too kindheart….righteous anger can be a good thing…when it leads to forgiving yourself, and peace. It will.
Dearest MAtt,,
I lost the post I wrote. Yes, the forensic accountant is well on her way. I hated to spend more funds but cannot see any other way to get him accountable. She knows his accountant is up on attempted murder charges -you may even have heard of the case since I think I remember you being in the NYC area.
He will have no credibility as far as his records go I hope,
Matt – good suggestion to sit and observe. I won’t know WHAT WORTH is going out the door but counting patrons at a busy time would be worthwhile. I will have to draft a friend to go with me since the area is not too good.
I so appreciate your advice – I need to get a step ahead or even keep up if I can.
God Bless
newlife08:
“…his accountant is up on attempted murder charges…” I used to write for TV and I couldn’t make up stuff like that if I tried. I would love to see how S is going to spin THAT in court.
The forensic accountant will not only be worth her weight in gold, but she will give you infinite amounts of leverage against S. Once he realizes she isn’t going to go away, S may finally start gettting real about your settlement. And if he doesn’t, turn over her findings to the state tax department, the IRS and the liquor authority.
Regarding his business — count the patrons, and also take notes on what they’re ordering — food and drink — it will give you a rough idea dollarwise. Your accountant can also give you some ideas on that.
Jim… Dont know an Abby who doesnt overthink things! Thanks ..Am more lightened (enlightened) now… PC ? Politically Correct…whew…thought it was another CRS thing!…June ?!! Noway we can wait that long for that to be answered…but I suspect from your posts of late that you are more grounded than the Fango of the earth! And thanks so much for clearing up why the USA after Indiana…thought you were just having bragging rights from your Navy Seal days!
Newlife08…there are no words…Im sorry for your experiences with this monster. Keep in mind, sometimes one failed business is a sign of more to come…unless its a good soul who operates on the up and up…otherwise he can build it and they will come….but sit back and see how he handles finances, employees, patrons, taxes, etc… In the meantime, I would suggest you dont show up with the children to “support” him or pretend to be “supportive” for the kids sake. Maybe tell the kids he makes choices that arent always inclusive of them/you and that anytime he chooses to involve the kids they have your blessing to share time with their Dad. That you love them very much and will do anything for them – but when Dad doesnt call and include or come to get them… you all are going to fill the time doing other fun things. The road is not easy, but with boundaries and alot of love and open communication (no dad bashing) just honest boundaries and reality of their fathers choices of including/excluding or ignoring is something not to be sugarcoated. Support your kids choices but dont allow yourself to be in the middle of enabling Dad to have the best of all worlds. If he doesnt include his kids or go out of his way to include them in his life – you surely arent going to be the one to smoothe his choices over anymore. I can feel your pain, I can sense the hurt…its overwhelming even from a distance. Please find comfort in knowing you are not being subjected to him being by your side and putting up a front anymore – he is gone – the hardwork is ahead of you – but you can do it.
Get a step ahead by staying FAR AWAY…getting a lawyer…send a friend to do the dirty work…not yourself! Keep up with your healing and well sought out legal plans. Remain NC. NC. NC.
Focus on yourself not him. An restaurant opening is one thing…remaining a successful business is another. His road is much much much longer and darker than yours! Be strong. Peace be with you on your journey. You will get through this !