Is sociopathy a perversion? If yes, a perversion of what? And if it is a perversion, does this compel us to revisit the sociopaths’ culpability for his transgressions? After all, perversions imply antisocial, irrepressible impulses. If an impulse is irrepressible, or unsuppressible, how culpable is its expresser?
I think a good case can be made that sociopathy is a perversion—a perversion of personality characterized by the unsuppressible tendency to exploit others.
It’s not so much a question of the sociopath’s sanity: most sociopaths, by criminal standards, are sane. Then again, so are most kleptomaniacs.
When I refer to the sociopath’s unsuppressible tendency to exploit, I mean unsuppressible in a characterological, more than compulsive, sense. The sociopath, that is, appears characterologically to be driven to perpetrate incursions against others’ space and security.
While I think that sociopaths, like most transgressors, can exercise, on a case by case basis, some selective choice in determining when next, and whom, to violate, I do not think that sociopaths, in the bigger picture, can control their exploitive tendencies any more than saints can control their beneficent tendencies.
I regard it as inevitable that the sociopath will violate others and, unless stopped, violate repeatedly.
In my view, many wrongly interpret the sociopath’s capacity for situational self-restraint as suggestive of what ought, therefore, to be the sociopath’s capacity to cease his exploitation more broadly.
But I stress—while it’s true that most sane individuals, including sociopaths, can exercise some suppressive control over the expression, timing and direction of their antisocial tendencies in the short-term, it does not follow that they can maintain their self-regulation in the long-term.
The sociopath’s peculiar and profound self-centeredness, along with his inability to genuinely care about the harm he inflicts on others, explain why his exploitive tendencies, in the long-term at least, will demand expression.
Yet one often hear variations on the theme, “You know, when he’s not being cruel, deceptive and self-centered, he’s really a good guy.”
Or, “When she’s not scamming seniors out of their life savings, she’s got really good instincts.”
Carrying this logic a step further, it’s like saying, “You know, when he’s not raping women, he can be a quite tender, trusting lover.”
I commonly work with clients who see the refractory period separating the antisocial displays of their partners as tantalizing evidence of the latters’ “real personality;” of their “true potential” as partners/parents/friends; of how they’d be “all the time if they could just work through their demons.”
This is “enabling” thinking, steeped in denial and fantasy. It reflects the desperation to want to believe in the underlying goodness of the antisocial mate. One insists that with just a little more time, a little more forgiveness, a little more patience, one’s partner will recognize, finally, what he or she has been jeopardizing, and will finally properly value his or her mate, family and blessings.
Sometimes religious/spiritual individuals, for whom faith and forgiveness are integral to their identity, are especially prone to this self-delusive thinking. Their endurance of countless lies, deceptions and betrayals feels less about self-compromise than the fulfillment of their higher values.
They may harbor the hope, and faith, that their travails, if endured uncomplainingly and for long enough, will result finally in vindication—for instance, this will be the time he really sees the light!
I call this “reform-aholoc” thinking—that is, believing with a kind of blind faith in the antisocial partner’s capacity for reformation.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Thanks Matt
I will try to post more often….
I am learning – not all angels have wings – and help , support , kindness can be found in the most unexpected places.
Some peace to you also my friend, I read your posts and know that you too have been through the fire and are still feeling the burn…
Thank you, Jim! Thanks. Your words mean more than you can imagine.
Newlife – thank you, too, and you’re welcome. Hope you get a good night’s sleep tonight.
hey thanks to you all ,but what is betrayal bond i think i need someone to explain it to me , sorry for not getting it . i think i know he does this but i just need to understand it in my own head it will help me. i am three years alone too. i feel recovered pretty much just have those days . i know what i want not need i want a family of my own and a partner its pretty simple i am ready, thats why i get frustrated. for me that is part of moving on and getting what i want out of life. love to you all. i feel you all and all of what we go through is th same struggle male or female . anyway hope to hear the explanation of the betrayal bond. whoever wants to explain it to me . thanks again.
NEWLIFE-
OMG I just read your story. You are sooo courageous to take the kids to his new place! It must have been so hard; I just picture that ‘sick to your stomach’ feeling as you pulled the car up in the parking lot.
You were sooo strong in your words to him in the end – GOOD FOR YOU!!! I think we all have so much to learn from you! You really told him straight up. I know he gave smartass comments back, but believe me he heard you. And all of his hopes that you would just wither away and not confront him, died in that instant.
You called him on his integrity and he just dismissed it – the anger must have been overwhelming. BUT he just sealed his fate right there by acting as if it does not matter. Someday people will find out who he stole from to accomplish that, and those rumors will fly faster than any Grand Opening let me tell you.
I understand the fears you have in your children getting lured by his money. Let’s hope that any attempt they make in that direction will only be to get back rightfully what their father took from them. I hope he’s saving for their education…..
Kudos to you. you should be proud. I think you acted like a champion!
jules:”
A betrayal bond (or trauma bond) results when a person is abused by someone and then stays in the relationship and bonds with their abuser and continues to try to placate their abuser. A pattern is established that carries over to other relationsips in the victim’s life.
Until I read the book “The Betrayal Bond” I didn’t have a clue how my abusive parents set me up so perfectly for repeated ictimizations.
Learn-thelesson:
Thanks you for your comments on my Friday night escapade and reminding me that his wife probably already knows what a cheater he is. I imagine that’s why she keeps him on such a tight leash (according to him). Yes, he’s no good for me….. I say that but still want to make a good impression on him; show him I’m strong, don’t care etc. But none of that should really matter to me.
Henry:
Thanks for the words of encouragement as well and the guidance to LTL’s post on the ’12 things’ on Women who love Psychopaths’. Great reading material indeed! Youy are right my obsession is futile but nice to know someone else understands it. The ‘drive-by’ Fri eve DID bring more heartache but I just had to do it…
Libelle:
So you do the ‘drive-by’ thing too?! Or you used to – kudos to you for stopping that – I hope I do. He lives 45min away so it won’t happen often (or again hopefully). Congrats to you for the 2 months of ‘real’ NC!
Usedabused:
Awesome insight on his wife’s point of view. I know she’ll want to deny it all but if she does at least it’ll trigger more suspicion so she can keep a close eye on him.
Also good idea on only giving a few emails; that way I know she’ll read them. I may even offer to give her the password to the email accounts we set up for each other. Then she can see it all firsthand! Either way, I have emails with specifics on their life so she’ll know I didn’t make it up.
And yes you’re right I’ll have to be prepared for his reaction. When everything ended it was b/c I called him on his behaviour. He FREAKED – even though I was only asking gentle questions….but we all know that a S’s biggest fear is being found out right? In his reaction to that he threatened to wreck my life – in those exact words.
I guess I have this nasty little daydream to tell the wife and then say to him “Who’s wrecking whose life NOW”?
I guess for me it’s all about getting my power back.
Hey everyone! We are really making progress as a group, things are more upbeat today.
KH – We have an amazing amount in common:
when i was in a huge fog(a daze after my husband left) and she and the s i could tell were at a standoff with each other and i kne w intuitively or i thought they’ve got each others number.
My S got to me too while I was reeling from the sudden departure of the X, and, like you in re-thinking I take some responsibility that he was not happy with me. I was too self-centered and focused on my business. Not that what he did was right, but I have to wonder if I left some hole in his psyche that the new gal exploited. It was only a few months when the S, a long-time friend, made me fall in love with him in one afternoon. And right away there were fights with the S gal, neither of them trusted the other and tried to get each other out of my life.
Matt is right, Newlife, especially if you are in a community property state, don’t know if NY is one. It might even make sense to delay the divorce a bit so that the restaurant is a marital asset. However, as someone else pointed out, scamming enough money to build a nice place is one thing, turning a profit is something else. Glad you have a forensic accountant.
Sabine – giving her the passwords is a great idea, if he has not changed them. That sort of documentation is impossible to deny, and the specifics on their life is critical. Exactly how I knew that Jane was not lying to me, she knew things, even about my business, that could only have come from him. My S, when “outed” got all mushy, would have turned me around if I did not have a very sharp and bad-guy savvy friend with me. Messages about me being wrong about the relationship, that it was about us, he needed to see me right then. I was expecting the anger to come later but it never did. He’s left me alone.
And yes, he’s threatened to ruin me too. Once even said he could drive me to suicide if he wanted to. He’s threatened to sue me over various transgressions, even threatened to call the S gal but he won’t do it.
Looking back, I never completely trusted him. Used to type letters to him for fun using different names, mailing on trips, so he would enjoy them but could never prove it was me if it went south. I wonder if he’s looked and discovered that yet?
Have a great Monday, everyone!
Sabine said: “He’s married and was cheating with me and so I also wanted to know where he lived so that someday I can drive there and give his wife all the emails he wrote me, gifts he gave etc…………
Awesome insight on his wife’s point of view. I know she’ll want to deny it all but if she does at least it’ll trigger more suspicion so she can keep a close eye on him.
Also good idea on only giving a few emails; that way I know she’ll read them. I may even offer to give her the password to the email accounts we set up for each other. Then she can see it all firsthand! Either way, I have emails with specifics on their life so she’ll know I didn’t make it up.
And yes you’re right I’ll have to be prepared for his reaction.”
Sabine, In the real world, off the kind and gentle LoveFraud forum, I think you better be prepared not only for your Ex lovers reaction, but also his WIFE’S REACTION. She is highly unlikely to view you as a victim, but to also question YOUR morality and to view you as a woman who also betrayed her willingly intruding on her and her husbands marital vows by willingly having sex with her MARRIED HUSBAND. Never mind whether this was his first affair or his third affair, she likely is not going to hold you blameless in your part you played in it, not to mention she will probably also question the “why” “your motives” in telling her NOW that he is no longer in your life. Or in other words, why were you happy to have an affair with him and suddenly only view it as worth divulging to her now that it is over? Just be prepared for that because that is likely what you will receive as a reaction.
Matt,
Of course I got a scathing phone call of how nice it was for me to bring the kids but I should not have anything to say about what he does with ” His BUSINESS”.
He let me know I am not a PARTNER – I am only entitled to half the asset. Is this true??? He was smart enough to do this on his own knowing I would have no claim other than as an asset?
He did not like what I quietly said to him in private as I left .
He says there is no reason to CHASTISE him for his behaviors. It doesn’t matter anymore. What he does, who with, who he may have work in this business or hang out with him there are none of my business. Do I have no rights in how he manages this marital asset? I told him I would not want the kids to see HER or HER kids hanging there – not my issue he says.
It is bad enough he has run down his construction business to nothing and the economy played right along with his plan.
He also laid off his foreman and friend of 30 years-because he got too close to knowing who and what he is -plus he owes this poor friend $100,000.00.
So am I as powerless as he says here in NJ. Lawyer seems to think my options are very limited.
I asked N/S just when he decided I was the enemy ( I am a good person) and why he did things the way he did – and his answer was a blank -dull ” I wasn’t happy.”
So that allows him to com me financially and get away with it?
Will a judge treat all this so cut and dry? 50/50 state or not?
I have earned a darned good paycheck over 22 years which ALLOWED him to do what he wanted too easily. I thought we were building a life so I took the brunt of the bills. He conned me good – and I still can’t believe HE did this to ME!!!
I feel like I have lost MY DREAM and he is fulfilling it by himself. Everyone is remarking on how wonderful a job he has done – I feel so sick to my stomach………..
And then to be disciplined by HIM??? Too much …too much…
SaBINE
Please be careful. I was the recipient of a phone call from his girlfriend when she could not get him to do what he wanted 4 years ago. And he/she stayed together for at least 2 years after that.
I fantasize myself right now of calling HER and telling her he is not with me – he is back with the neighbor next door – AGAIN. But I won’t because I have to worry about getting custody of my kids – and I can’t afford to look crazy.
Dear NewLife –
The simple fact that in the same breath/sentence from him…you get verbal appreciation (nice of you to take the kids there) and verbal discipline (dont chastise, dont question, cause you have nothing to do with the business,etc..) its enough!
NC! NC! NC! Taking phone calls? NOWAY!!! FOR WHAT?? ASKING AN N/S QUESTIONS ABOUT WHY WHY WHY? = WASTE OF TIME, HURTFUL ANSWERS. YOU KNOW THE ANSWERS. Telling him you dont want the other woman or her kids there — now that he knows what you want and dont want– he will surely be certain they are there. Remember he is not and does not operate the way you would like all people should. He is a jerk. Expecting answers, resolution directly from him isnt happening. Seek a lawyer to deal with him.
He cannot be ” disciplining” you if he is not able to talk to you! Dont answer the phone. DONT ENGAGE!!!!!
Seek out a new lawyer who doesnt think your options are very limited. One who is on your team and ready to roll! Your options dont sound like they are limited.. You have so much information, timeline, supported him, etc.etc.
The only thing that is limiting you, setting you back is putting yourself in his presence, talking to him on the phone, and showing up to his opening. I agree kudos for all you said and did in the moment — but it falls on deaf ears in the long run — he isnt going to turnaround and piece everything back together — he is NOT GOING TO CHANGE!! Deal only with a lawyer… remain co-parenting with him..and cut him off in any other way.
Did you sign any agreement making you a percentage partner? Or did he just acquire the business through marital assets? YOU NEED A GOOD LAWYER WHO CAN ANSWER ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS – ONE WHO IS SUPPORTIVE OF YOU!
I totally understand you feel like you have lost YOUR DREAM and he is fulfilling it by himself. I felt same way. But he never included you in the dream- even before the new business – he was running around, floundering, cheating – YOU LOST THAT KIND OF GUY, A BAD MAN – TG – THATS THE REALITY. Its devasting, but in the end you know that to have remained with him would destroy you…not just your dream.
Focus on yourself and your kids…stay ahead of the game…seek legal advice. Interview a couple of attorneys. What about an attorney from Pennsylvania with a NJ license…maybe he can add a new perspective to your situation!!
I think it may be time to take back control. No more allowing him to verbally abuse you or put you in a position for you to have to take your kids to him and “pretend”!
Good luck