Is sociopathy a perversion? If yes, a perversion of what? And if it is a perversion, does this compel us to revisit the sociopaths’ culpability for his transgressions? After all, perversions imply antisocial, irrepressible impulses. If an impulse is irrepressible, or unsuppressible, how culpable is its expresser?
I think a good case can be made that sociopathy is a perversion—a perversion of personality characterized by the unsuppressible tendency to exploit others.
It’s not so much a question of the sociopath’s sanity: most sociopaths, by criminal standards, are sane. Then again, so are most kleptomaniacs.
When I refer to the sociopath’s unsuppressible tendency to exploit, I mean unsuppressible in a characterological, more than compulsive, sense. The sociopath, that is, appears characterologically to be driven to perpetrate incursions against others’ space and security.
While I think that sociopaths, like most transgressors, can exercise, on a case by case basis, some selective choice in determining when next, and whom, to violate, I do not think that sociopaths, in the bigger picture, can control their exploitive tendencies any more than saints can control their beneficent tendencies.
I regard it as inevitable that the sociopath will violate others and, unless stopped, violate repeatedly.
In my view, many wrongly interpret the sociopath’s capacity for situational self-restraint as suggestive of what ought, therefore, to be the sociopath’s capacity to cease his exploitation more broadly.
But I stress—while it’s true that most sane individuals, including sociopaths, can exercise some suppressive control over the expression, timing and direction of their antisocial tendencies in the short-term, it does not follow that they can maintain their self-regulation in the long-term.
The sociopath’s peculiar and profound self-centeredness, along with his inability to genuinely care about the harm he inflicts on others, explain why his exploitive tendencies, in the long-term at least, will demand expression.
Yet one often hear variations on the theme, “You know, when he’s not being cruel, deceptive and self-centered, he’s really a good guy.”
Or, “When she’s not scamming seniors out of their life savings, she’s got really good instincts.”
Carrying this logic a step further, it’s like saying, “You know, when he’s not raping women, he can be a quite tender, trusting lover.”
I commonly work with clients who see the refractory period separating the antisocial displays of their partners as tantalizing evidence of the latters’ “real personality;” of their “true potential” as partners/parents/friends; of how they’d be “all the time if they could just work through their demons.”
This is “enabling” thinking, steeped in denial and fantasy. It reflects the desperation to want to believe in the underlying goodness of the antisocial mate. One insists that with just a little more time, a little more forgiveness, a little more patience, one’s partner will recognize, finally, what he or she has been jeopardizing, and will finally properly value his or her mate, family and blessings.
Sometimes religious/spiritual individuals, for whom faith and forgiveness are integral to their identity, are especially prone to this self-delusive thinking. Their endurance of countless lies, deceptions and betrayals feels less about self-compromise than the fulfillment of their higher values.
They may harbor the hope, and faith, that their travails, if endured uncomplainingly and for long enough, will result finally in vindication—for instance, this will be the time he really sees the light!
I call this “reform-aholoc” thinking—that is, believing with a kind of blind faith in the antisocial partner’s capacity for reformation.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
NewLIfe08:
As I seem to recall, New Jersey is an “equitable distribution” state which means that the property is supposed to get distributed akin to community property (ie 50/50) but the courts can take other factors into account in varying the distribution of the assets (ie length of marriage, fault, etc).
Nice your S claims you aren’t a partner. I guess, technically, if you aren’t named in the partnership agreement (if that’s the form he used), you aren’t. That said, a court could award you the asset. I know this for a fact, because in my parent’s town, there was a restaurant founded by the husband’s family. The husband then went out and committed adultery. The wife sued for divorce. And the wife got the whole restaurant.
If you really want to frost him — if you are awarded a 50 percent interst in the business, with no control, I would ask the court to appoint an independent manager to run it — cut him off at the financial inappropriate pass, as it were. Also, that might get his attention sufficiently to talk cash settlement.
Your lawyer sounds like someone who is used to no-contest divorces in which both parties are trying to be reasonable. I would ask your forensic accountant for the name of an absolute snake of an attorney. I will guaranty she can give you several names based on the business she is in.
I hope you have not discussed with your S that you have retained a forensic accountant. You want to blow him out of the water if at all possible.
Another thought — based on what he has done to his “friend” in the construction business, perhaps it is time you co-opted him. Seems to me this poor guy is going to take a hit for 100 grand. Once he realizes he’s going to take the hit, forget singing a song — he may very well sing an opera to nail S. Again, don’t tip your hand with him until you have your strategy in place or a new attorney.
As for communications with S — how nice he thinks he can dictate terms. Time for you to do the same. For starters, I would inform him — in writing — certified mail, or through your attorney, that all communications with me will be by email. All emails will be retained. Any emails which I deem inappropriate in their tone or content will be brought to the attention of the judge presiding over our divorce.
As for his half-assed parenting, dragging your kid along on business, I think I would ask the court to rule on exactly what constitutes appropriate visitation activities.
Hard as it is, I think you are going to have to adopt my policy — “to get rid of a sociopath, become a sociopath.” You’ve got to turn off all your emotions and make this all about dollars and cents. Nothing personal, strictly business. Spent the money on a shark of an attorney. If you don’t, you will kick yourself forever.
I had to do it, not only with S, but with my ex — who dragged out the divorce proceedings 3 years and practically drove me into bankruptcy. I finally turned off the guilt, et al and focused strictly on what was getting mine. My ex never saw it coming. The judge even gave ME legal fees. It was very satisfying.
sabine:
I’ve lost this post twice, so here goes again.
Regarding your contacting your ex’s wife, I can well understand your need to do so. After I drove off S, I wanted to shout from the rooftops what he was all about. I wanted to send his friends and family copies of “Without Conscience.” I wanted to expose him and bury him so deep he wouldn’t see the light of day.
I didn’t act on my urges. As time has gone by, S has started taking up less and less space in my mind, and the urge to expose him has also waned.
I think that our need to expose these creatures comes from our desperation to have our experiences validated by others, not our need to “protect others” from a sociopath’s exploitaion and depradation.
What I’ve come to realize is that some of those who are involved with S are still dazzled by him. Others, like his family, I think have a pretty good idea what he is, even if they can’t put the name — sociopath — to it.
Actions have consequences. Ask yourself, seriously, what you think you will accomplish by outting him to his wife, and what will be the consequences to you. For me, at the end of the day, I realized that the people I would try to expose S to would only turn it against me and I’d come out the loser. I”ve lost enough courtesy of S, thank you kindly, and refuse to let him cost me anymore in friendships, etc.
That is not to say if somebody S knows contacts me to discuss their experience with S that I will not be willing to talk to them. I am no longer in the salvation business. I was a one-man Salvation Army for the S. I not only failed to save S, I was a casualty of war. So, I’m not going to try to save the world from S.
newlife08:
One thing just occurred to me. I seem to recall your saying that S’s mistress lives next door to your current home.
I can’t tell your lawyer what to do, but I would make sure the judge hearing your divorce is well aware of this fact — it could give you leverage in getting the judge to assign you the new house or the beach house.
Dear NewLife,
I think it would be just way too cool if the judge gave you half the business, the new house, AND the beach house!!! 🙂
MATT,
Your memory serves you well. Yes, she is right next door – he is with her for the second time around. There were others though. I agree – I just can’t see any judge looking at the details – I hope they do – just ordering a 50/50 split after all the lies and conning that has gone on. He tricked me into signing a re-mortgage and credit line – I don’t think he ever intended to stay in the marriage and be faithful. Obviously, his records substantiate this. He may have gone on the way we were but I could not ignore how accelerated his behaviors were getting. and clearly he was not happy with my ultimatum of get help or go. Naturally, needing to maintain control – he abandoned me.
It was like he was on some kind of drug – has anyone else experienced this? He has spiraled out of control – not even a glimpse of remorse or shame. When I asked about the Ashleymadison.com website I somehow expected him to say ” Gee, I am sorry you had to find out about that – after all I have put you through.”
Nope – he just says “So what -it doesn’t matter . Get over it. Move on. I like my girlfriend now.” Face to face – eye to eye -the father of my children is empty, cruel and so detached it scares me.
The forensic accountant is representing the both of us – her reputation is impeccable and she has worked on many high profile cases here in NJ that I know of.
I just want all here to be clear I did not go to the business to support him – I went to protect my own interests. I had not been in the building for a year so I needed to find out in a ballpark way what he might have invested. I will go back, Matt , and do as you say. He has a lot of salaries to cover and needs to sell a lot of meals to do it. I don’t know how much the bar part of it will contribute. He would do better to hire a barmaid that is willing to waitress also – dual duty.
Yes, I also hope we get the new house so my kids can have nice rooms of their own and get away from here – even if it is only a few blocks. Then , when the economy lightens up and I am stronger – I could sell and get out of this neighborhood.
Problem is I cannot see me paying such a mortgage for 30 years till I am 83 . The beach house I could afford if I get the new house mortgage free. This would guarantee my kids will go to college. Seems to me this is fair since he wants to keep his two businesses and not give me a dime of future earnings. Of course – it could wind up in future debt.
But I don’t know how a judge will view me. Maybe he will think I should have made my S/N husband more accountable.. followed through and made sure he did what he was supposed to with the re-mortgage money. What kind of business woman am I ?
Matt – as you said – maybe I will get lucky. S owns a construction business and now this other venture – sounds like an IRS dream come true. Along with the tattered reputation of his accountant.
I am so scared – still processing how he has moved on so easily and is now so sure SHE is his answer. This is hard as you all know. The marriage infidelities weren’t enough – he has to destry me financially as well.
This from a guy who had nothing when he moved in with me – and I didn’t care – what a void memory he has – actually – void conscience.
newlife08:
Regarding the “whore next door” (hmmm, there’s some illiteration there I rather like), I would frame the argument in the context of “best interests of the children” (ie it would be detrimental to your children to have to see their father with the woman who broke up their parent’s marriage).
Here’s something that may give you a bit of comfort regarding paying the mortgage for 30 years. I used to spook myself on that one all the time — especially after I lost my job. Then I realized, (1) who knows where I”ll be in 5 years and (2) you can take a reverse mortgage on a house and clear off the existing mortgage, so you won’t be stuck with a mortgage in your old age. Instead, you’ll be in your house until you die, and then the estate settles up with the lender.
As for him being on some kind of drug, are you sure he isn’t? Robert Hare says a lot of sociopaths do abuse drugs to get the buzz.
REgarding “counting drinks” — I worked as a bartender years ago. Here’s how it works — a bottle of wine has 4-6 glasses of wine in it. They buy a bottle for 6 bucks. They sell a glass of wine for 6 bucks. The profit is huge — something like 500-1000 percent per bottle. Mixed drinks are even higher. Now do you see how a restaurant without a licquor license is not worth much? Your forensic accountant probably has some standard calculations that can figure out what his profit margin should be — no matter what he says.
And if you can get the house free and clear and let him keep the businesses — I’d grab it. In a heartbeat. The restaurant business is notoriously fickle — even for experienced restauranters. Remember when Werner LeRoy bought the Russian Tea Room in NYC, poured a fortune into it, and it went down after a year? On a more practical level, you won’t have to keep chasing him for money.
newlife08:
Just to clarify on the reverse mortgage — that can’t be done until you retire — but it is an option for all of us in our old age.
Thanks , Matt
I am taking it all in and not missing a beat.
By the way – is your memory that good that you remember “the whore next door” phrase – is there a way to look up old posts I wrote – or do we just think alike?
Dear Newlife,
I misunderstood and thought you went because your kids wanted to go.
I just dont want him to be able to say you were aware of everything and even came for dinner, and now if you go back, he can again have reason to fool the judge, and twist the story on you.
My belief is no contact. To me the point is he took the money…not what he did with it…even if he went bankrupt with it before the business opened he is still responsible for taking the money, remortgaging, etc.
Send a friend to do the spying. Or be careful he wont use your presence there against you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you that you nail him to the wall!!!
Thanks LTL.
You are right – I do need to be careful because my emotions are so raw. I’ve been crying the last 24 hours – I so want past this – it’s gone on too long now.
He cheated ther first time 15 years ago with the same skank – then another one I know of back from 2003 to 2007 at least .
2008 April 20 he left and was with her again within weeks – most likely he set himself up before. He never stopped contact with her over the years – I’ve found out so much since he left.
Amazing how people keep secrets from you but when the gossip starts to roll – everyone has something about your life they knew and never told you till now.
I know I don’t deserve any of this – and I know we don’t understand God’s ways. Maybe the hard part is admitting I AM responsible for my own mess