Is sociopathy a perversion? If yes, a perversion of what? And if it is a perversion, does this compel us to revisit the sociopaths’ culpability for his transgressions? After all, perversions imply antisocial, irrepressible impulses. If an impulse is irrepressible, or unsuppressible, how culpable is its expresser?
I think a good case can be made that sociopathy is a perversion—a perversion of personality characterized by the unsuppressible tendency to exploit others.
It’s not so much a question of the sociopath’s sanity: most sociopaths, by criminal standards, are sane. Then again, so are most kleptomaniacs.
When I refer to the sociopath’s unsuppressible tendency to exploit, I mean unsuppressible in a characterological, more than compulsive, sense. The sociopath, that is, appears characterologically to be driven to perpetrate incursions against others’ space and security.
While I think that sociopaths, like most transgressors, can exercise, on a case by case basis, some selective choice in determining when next, and whom, to violate, I do not think that sociopaths, in the bigger picture, can control their exploitive tendencies any more than saints can control their beneficent tendencies.
I regard it as inevitable that the sociopath will violate others and, unless stopped, violate repeatedly.
In my view, many wrongly interpret the sociopath’s capacity for situational self-restraint as suggestive of what ought, therefore, to be the sociopath’s capacity to cease his exploitation more broadly.
But I stress—while it’s true that most sane individuals, including sociopaths, can exercise some suppressive control over the expression, timing and direction of their antisocial tendencies in the short-term, it does not follow that they can maintain their self-regulation in the long-term.
The sociopath’s peculiar and profound self-centeredness, along with his inability to genuinely care about the harm he inflicts on others, explain why his exploitive tendencies, in the long-term at least, will demand expression.
Yet one often hear variations on the theme, “You know, when he’s not being cruel, deceptive and self-centered, he’s really a good guy.”
Or, “When she’s not scamming seniors out of their life savings, she’s got really good instincts.”
Carrying this logic a step further, it’s like saying, “You know, when he’s not raping women, he can be a quite tender, trusting lover.”
I commonly work with clients who see the refractory period separating the antisocial displays of their partners as tantalizing evidence of the latters’ “real personality;” of their “true potential” as partners/parents/friends; of how they’d be “all the time if they could just work through their demons.”
This is “enabling” thinking, steeped in denial and fantasy. It reflects the desperation to want to believe in the underlying goodness of the antisocial mate. One insists that with just a little more time, a little more forgiveness, a little more patience, one’s partner will recognize, finally, what he or she has been jeopardizing, and will finally properly value his or her mate, family and blessings.
Sometimes religious/spiritual individuals, for whom faith and forgiveness are integral to their identity, are especially prone to this self-delusive thinking. Their endurance of countless lies, deceptions and betrayals feels less about self-compromise than the fulfillment of their higher values.
They may harbor the hope, and faith, that their travails, if endured uncomplainingly and for long enough, will result finally in vindication—for instance, this will be the time he really sees the light!
I call this “reform-aholoc” thinking—that is, believing with a kind of blind faith in the antisocial partner’s capacity for reformation.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
NewLife:
My divorce was in New Jersey. My counts for divorce included marriage fraud – that my husband married me just to drain my assets. I had very good records of all the money he had taken from me. I claimed he took $227,000 for use in his business ventures. This did not count the living expenses, which I also paid.
The judge awarded me the $227,000, all attorney fees, plus $1 million in punitive damages. He made the point that “equitable distribution” does not mean 50/50. He found that my ex drained marital assets and committed fraud.
Of course, I never collected the money, because my ex didn’t have any, or if he did, it was offshore and I couldn’t find it. But you know where the assets are – that should be helpful.
Whatever settlement you ask for, make it lump-sum – not an ownership interest in the business. He’ll run it to the ground just for spite.
For more information on my case, see:
http://www.lovefraud.com/03_trueLovefraudStories/ConartistJamesMontgomery01.html
Be sure to read the court’s findings of fraud.
Dear Newlife,
Sweetie, you know we are all partly responsible for our own situation, but even if we allowed them to repeatedly do this to us, IT STILL DID NOT GIVE THEM THE RIGHT TO ABUSE US AND LIE TO US. If you are “guilty” of anything, it is being TOO CARING…and I can tbink of a LOT of things that are “worse” than being a “too caring” person….like being a psychopath for one!
Now you don’t be too hard on yourself or I will have to get my skillet out and BOINK you one “up side tha haid” LOL ((((hugs))))) and prayers for you!
Donna, Oxy – all of you
I feel your insight and the time you take to share are INVALUABLE.
Donna, I will take your words to heart and make it a point to sit ans document in bullet point style EVERY maneuver he has made without my consent, fraudulently, by conning me , lying or omission of facts.
I’ll go read your story in detail and compare mine to what you have been through and what I can take from it and apply to my situation.
As, Steve advised me – I have to learn to play hardball and get those that represent me to do the same. He may not have cash but there are assets to sell – even if it means his new building and business.
God Bless- I may sleep just a little better tonight.
Oxy – you are a hoot and I love your zeal for life!!! I only hope I can get some of your attitude soon.
I want to smile again and be a good, steady happy mom.
I am functioning – getting done what needs to be done – but maybe not so fun to be around these days.
I have to learn to let go of him – I admit – some days I just don’t know how to wipe him out of my mind ,,,even my heart……..Yesterday he looked more like himself than I have seen in a long time. Must have been all the adulation he’s been getting.
Such mixed feelings – to feel I could be proud for what he has put together and yet want to see him lose it for what he stole from me and the kids
newlife08:
Regarding the “whore next door” — guess we think alike, since I didn’t remember that phrase — which surprises me, since I used to remember every good phrase I heard – and then use it in every TV/movie script I ever wrote. Perhaps we should abbreviate it to WND — although the phrase does rathe roll of the tongue.
As Donna pointed out, equitable distribution does not mean 50/50. As I noted earlier, judges can take various factors into account and proportion accordingly. If I were your lawyer, I would make sure the judge is aware that you were the sole or majority source of income for years while you acquired assets which he then misappropriated.
I agree with Donna — one thing that you have going for you is that there are assets — real estate — even if he has mortgaged them. You have something to go after. And as I said earlier, and Donna said, go for a lump sum settlement. Also, unlike her sociopath, I don’t see your’s running off to Australia.
Also, another concern of your’s that you posted earlier, I want to address. You mentioned that you were worried about paying for your kid’s college educations. While admire your generosity, since we are in the somewhat in the same ballpark age wise, for your own sanity you need to adjust your priorities a little bit. Your first priority (after finishing this divorce) is supporting your family and the second is planning for your retirement. Your kids will find a way to get themselves educated — student loans, work-study, grants. I know, because I did it. Hell, Suze Orman says the same thing.
I know how easy it is in the middle of madness to start doing the long-term projections and drive yourself over the edge. I did it myself. At my worst point I was going through my divorce, being sued by 4 different people courtesy of loans I had guaranteed for my conman brother, and coping with massive PTSD since I had gotten out of Tower Two with it coming down behind me.
To put it bluntly, I didn’t know which way was up. I finally decided that I had to prioritize, then break each priority down to smaller and smaller components so I could cope. And I don’t mean just prioritize mentally. Write it all down and then check it off piece by piece. Believe it or not, it works. One day I woke up and realized that the legal issues were resolving themselves one-by-one. Ditto the personal traumas. And the divorce.
It’s a slow process. And you swear it will never end. But it does. For better or worse, in its own understandable way, the legal system finds its way to an end. If for no other reason, than judges have their “homework” graded by appellate court and ultimately supreme court judges, so they have to bring the craziness to a conclusion.
Anyhow, hang in there, pal. And if you’ve got any legal issues or anything else, feel free to use me as a sounding board.
newlife08:
Another thought. Courts often rely on precedent. I don’t know if Donna’s divorce judgment is published. Since she punitive damages, it may have merited what is called a “slip opinion” (not published). If it is, your lawyer could access the decision on lexis/nexis or westlaw and then cite it in your court documents when he is arguing on your on what you are entitled to under equitable distribution.
matt. thanks you for telling me that i can see how i ended up with him. my mother is a pleaser and has been all my and her life, my dad is a alchoholic and i grew up seeking his atention and trying to please him, or at least not upset him ,hense i am atrracted to men like him i guess. my dad has mellowed with age though still has the traits i remember growing up and my mum is stronger now too but still tries to please. i am natural caring person, the ex hones in on that, also he first struck me at a time when i was really needing some love and company. sound familiar i bet…….. thank you matt. all i can say is i understand you too.
jules:
Read “The Betrayal Bond”. The exercises help you to see the recurring patterns in your life, how the bonds form, and how to break it. The book is life-changing.
something is really bothering me tongiht. I’ve been praying for clarity and for God to let me see reality. Today i was thinking about the s and his ex motherin law. She is really bothered by the fact that her daugher years ago took the youngest girl to a doc as she kept saying she had a mouse down there in annal area. The doc said she had been abused but her mother could not beleive it at the time and now she is deseased. The grandmother is really bothered. The second wife of the s’s also had her yong daugher in therapy (4) as she had an imaginary friend but nothing came of it. Then i had blocked an episode where i went to the s house in winter and saw a young girl in basement(in a flannel pjamas) and she ran into back room where i couldn’t see her. I knew at the time it was something sick and perverted but it came back to me today. Then a good friend of mine (who owned two strips clubs ) for decades was out with me once and we saw him and my friend just casually commmented that he’s a “pervert” and i figure who would know better than a guy who owned a club. What the hell would i accep t someone capable of this . kindheart
kindheart: Maybe you are getting some clarity and putting 2 & 2 together. You’ll never really know if you are right about the whole thing, but sometimes our intuitions are very good. It’s not that you accepted someone who did this, but you went with the knowledge you had at the time, and now you are going… whoa, this is really strange.