Is sociopathy a perversion? If yes, a perversion of what? And if it is a perversion, does this compel us to revisit the sociopaths’ culpability for his transgressions? After all, perversions imply antisocial, irrepressible impulses. If an impulse is irrepressible, or unsuppressible, how culpable is its expresser?
I think a good case can be made that sociopathy is a perversion—a perversion of personality characterized by the unsuppressible tendency to exploit others.
It’s not so much a question of the sociopath’s sanity: most sociopaths, by criminal standards, are sane. Then again, so are most kleptomaniacs.
When I refer to the sociopath’s unsuppressible tendency to exploit, I mean unsuppressible in a characterological, more than compulsive, sense. The sociopath, that is, appears characterologically to be driven to perpetrate incursions against others’ space and security.
While I think that sociopaths, like most transgressors, can exercise, on a case by case basis, some selective choice in determining when next, and whom, to violate, I do not think that sociopaths, in the bigger picture, can control their exploitive tendencies any more than saints can control their beneficent tendencies.
I regard it as inevitable that the sociopath will violate others and, unless stopped, violate repeatedly.
In my view, many wrongly interpret the sociopath’s capacity for situational self-restraint as suggestive of what ought, therefore, to be the sociopath’s capacity to cease his exploitation more broadly.
But I stress—while it’s true that most sane individuals, including sociopaths, can exercise some suppressive control over the expression, timing and direction of their antisocial tendencies in the short-term, it does not follow that they can maintain their self-regulation in the long-term.
The sociopath’s peculiar and profound self-centeredness, along with his inability to genuinely care about the harm he inflicts on others, explain why his exploitive tendencies, in the long-term at least, will demand expression.
Yet one often hear variations on the theme, “You know, when he’s not being cruel, deceptive and self-centered, he’s really a good guy.”
Or, “When she’s not scamming seniors out of their life savings, she’s got really good instincts.”
Carrying this logic a step further, it’s like saying, “You know, when he’s not raping women, he can be a quite tender, trusting lover.”
I commonly work with clients who see the refractory period separating the antisocial displays of their partners as tantalizing evidence of the latters’ “real personality;” of their “true potential” as partners/parents/friends; of how they’d be “all the time if they could just work through their demons.”
This is “enabling” thinking, steeped in denial and fantasy. It reflects the desperation to want to believe in the underlying goodness of the antisocial mate. One insists that with just a little more time, a little more forgiveness, a little more patience, one’s partner will recognize, finally, what he or she has been jeopardizing, and will finally properly value his or her mate, family and blessings.
Sometimes religious/spiritual individuals, for whom faith and forgiveness are integral to their identity, are especially prone to this self-delusive thinking. Their endurance of countless lies, deceptions and betrayals feels less about self-compromise than the fulfillment of their higher values.
They may harbor the hope, and faith, that their travails, if endured uncomplainingly and for long enough, will result finally in vindication—for instance, this will be the time he really sees the light!
I call this “reform-aholoc” thinking—that is, believing with a kind of blind faith in the antisocial partner’s capacity for reformation.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
NewLife,
Another point – if you go after your husband on the basis of fraud, and the judge finds fraud, make sure the final divorce decree includes the finding of fraud. If you get a judgment, your husband may try to avoid paying it by declaring bankruptcy. But, debts that are incurred through fraud cannot be discharged through bankruptcy.
Matt/Donna,
I went to bed too early and missed your repies.
He filed first and my answer was to bring out the adultery. My lawyer knows all the maneuverings but he did not include fraud.
Is their character/personality issues ever brought out in court or just the behaviors?
I will heed your advice on lump sum as I see him now not wanting to pay what he owes.
Tnak you Donna, for sharing your personal issues- I will look into the fraud count – from what I have seen already he paid almost everything he bought through his business.Dinners, travel, fun shopping, vacations – all of it.
NewLife,
There is a guy by the name of Bill Eddy who is a lawyer and therapist. He advises people on what he calls “high conflict” divorces. He wrote a book called “Splitting” about divorcing a borderline or narcissist. I think his suggestions apply to sociopaths as well. Link to book is here:
http://www.lovefraud.com/09_recommendedLinks/recommended_links.html
Anyway, he suggests that you prove the behavior, what is called a “Pattern of conduct.” He does not advise trying to prove the person is a sociopath. This is because judges don’t know what it means. Like most people, judges think that sociopaths are murderers, and if he didn’t murder anyone, he can’t be a sociopath.
You do want to document the behavior. I had four other women who were involved with my ex – and lost $100,000 to $300,000 each – testify at my divorce. This proved that my ex was in the habit of scamming women.
Jen2008 and Everyone,
I never slept with the Sociopath I knew. In addition, I never knew he was married until the end. I was his patient, and he was hitting on me, writing me love letters etc. We eventually became ‘romantic’ friends but I was VERY uncomfortable with it as I suspected he was married. When I questioned him in the end with evidence and called him on his ethics etc, he freaked out on me. He did seduce me and I did fall for him but there was no sex whatsoever! I was basically on the fence the whole time as he intrigued me but creeped me out and intimidated me at the same time.
There’s much more to the story but I just wanted to clarify that point. However, his wife will think we slept together and think that I knew he was married the whole time. I do not expect her to think I am a victim; although I know I am. Like I said, there’s more to the story. But, if I was her, I’d want to know b/c he would have slept with me in an instant and tried but I pushed him off me.
Meanwhile, he was my acupuncturist. So from the wife’s point of view, what he was doing also affects their family business as I have put in a complaint and he may have his liscence suspended etc.
Donna,
I have purchased the book by Bill Eddy – it does have great advice in pointing out the behaviors rather than try to diagnose.
His behaviors towards the kids are of concern because he just expects them to conform to his wishes and demands -not having any of their own feelings that are important. Our Daiughter 15 barely talks to him -does not go for parenting time and my son goes – but is so conflicted at 10 it is painful to watch.
As far as the money – we/ve been together 22 years and although he had affairs- none of the other women had anything. But between us, he built a new house behind my back, re-mortgaged our paid off house to finance the new one by saying 7 months after he started it that he was building the new one as a fresh start for us. Six years later it is still not done but HE lives in it.
We were supposed to live there mortgage free and rent the old one which would pay the re-mortgage. I was so thrilled he wanted to stay together the plan sounded sweet.
He took the $200,000.00 and never paid off the new house so now we have 2 mortgages. He never shared ANY of what he made in his business- gave me the same amount of household money every week – while I put my check towards the bills. He took all he made -although he lied and said he only made what he was giving me and a little spending money for himself – and did what he wanted. Anything extra he was supposedly reinvesting in equipment – so hang on – my payoff was going to come.
He NEVER revealed his finances – just lied about them. He lost $200,000.00 in a business deal, lives by credit lines, started this other business now which is all by credit line and what he pulled from his construction business – and now he wants to hit me with half the debt – $500,000.00 is my share. Does any of this constitute fraud?
Or just a liar??? Will a judge look at him as a con artist??
He spent freely on motorcycles, dining out, other women, his trips – my God, I wish I had known he had access to all that cash at one time – the kids and I never got to enjoy any extras like he did. Nothing was saved – not one dime.
He also owes a friend quite a bit – and isn’t making any moves to honor that debt either.
We have no cash, but a little equity among the properties.
All the years I have worked and made good money – helped him pay child support for his other kids – and this is what I get.
He wanted my signature on the loans but never asked for it on any purchases. What the hell was I thinking???
Why did I believe he was looking out for me and the kids???
NOW – he so clearly tells me I am not his partner in this new place – and he seems to love saying IT IS HIS!!!
I would love to see a judge make him sell everything and focus back on his construction business. But it seems he has created the perfect storm for himself – ” Your Honor, the economy is bad for construction so I have thrown myself into this new venture to support my kids. I would be unemployed without it – you can’t have me sell it!!!!””
I can hear it now.
I am so heart broken that he has taken what was my dream for himself and being the big king at it – he did build a beautiful little place – but I am no part of it. He knew I always wanted a little business of my own. And oh how he schmoozed me to start it up and get my support. I didn’t know he was continuing in his cheating and would leave when he was ready to go.
Matt,
These words:
“Regarding your contacting your ex’s wife, I can well understand your need to do so. After I drove off S, I wanted to shout from the rooftops what he was all about. I wanted to send his friends and family copies of “Without Conscience.” I wanted to expose him and bury him so deep he wouldn’t see the light of day.”
That really rang true for me. I want to expose him like crazy>
However, I also feel awful for his wife, as I never knew he had one (see previous post above). he has admitted to me and the Acup Assoc (as we are going through proceedings) that he has seduced other patients before.
So, his wife is down the street raising their two children at home and he is in the office seducing his patients, hitting on female clients, creeping out patients, pinning patients down on the table trying to have sex with them etc.
I guess the guilt in me is pretty strong that I did not go to her as soon as I found out. But I was SO scared of him – I told him I was going to – THAT’S when he threatened me!
newlife08:
Your lawyer can amend the complaint and pleadings to include fraud counts. Based on what you are saying, I think that a case for marital fraud could be made — simple facts — the took marital assets and converted them to his own.
MAtt,
Once again – I will get this done. I agree it may be the only way to catch the judge’s attention that this is more than “Irreconcileable Differences” as my N/S claims.
THANK you so much – and I will pray for your job search to be short and very successful – there is always Mega millions tonight in NJ!!!!
Donna…Bill Eddy…High Conflict Institute. I have been to his website. Good stuff. Unfortunately, it was about a year after the divorce was finalized, but I still have it bookmarked. He provides a good perspective on things.
Sabine, Thanks for the clarification. My apologies. I think I had your story confused with another poster. Like Oxy, I sometimes have CRS. But anyhow, still wives are kinda tricky. If you exhanged romantic correspondence with him, she will probably still at a minimum view it as an emotional affair..
But anyway, like you I would want to know. But at the same time she may feel like she has a lot to lose (his profession, their lifestyle etc.) so she might not be all that receptive to it, but who knows. It sounds like you have some sort of legal proceedings against him–malpractice maybe (or at least I hope that is what it is because the creep needs to be put out of practice and be warming a cot in the slammer)? Can you present your evidence of his misconduct through that route so she finds out that way?
I do want to make clear that I think (now that I understand he is in a health care profession) that even if you had had sex with him, he is in the wrong here in my book simply due to the nature of his profession and the trust that should entail as far as caring for patients. And I can identify with your situation because when I was 18 years old I had an M.D. engage in some highly inappropriate behavior with me (no nurse in the room) and at the time I was so naive that it just stunned me and I never said a word about it to anybody. So I’m glad you are taking action against the guy. Jen