Is sociopathy a perversion? If yes, a perversion of what? And if it is a perversion, does this compel us to revisit the sociopaths’ culpability for his transgressions? After all, perversions imply antisocial, irrepressible impulses. If an impulse is irrepressible, or unsuppressible, how culpable is its expresser?
I think a good case can be made that sociopathy is a perversion—a perversion of personality characterized by the unsuppressible tendency to exploit others.
It’s not so much a question of the sociopath’s sanity: most sociopaths, by criminal standards, are sane. Then again, so are most kleptomaniacs.
When I refer to the sociopath’s unsuppressible tendency to exploit, I mean unsuppressible in a characterological, more than compulsive, sense. The sociopath, that is, appears characterologically to be driven to perpetrate incursions against others’ space and security.
While I think that sociopaths, like most transgressors, can exercise, on a case by case basis, some selective choice in determining when next, and whom, to violate, I do not think that sociopaths, in the bigger picture, can control their exploitive tendencies any more than saints can control their beneficent tendencies.
I regard it as inevitable that the sociopath will violate others and, unless stopped, violate repeatedly.
In my view, many wrongly interpret the sociopath’s capacity for situational self-restraint as suggestive of what ought, therefore, to be the sociopath’s capacity to cease his exploitation more broadly.
But I stress—while it’s true that most sane individuals, including sociopaths, can exercise some suppressive control over the expression, timing and direction of their antisocial tendencies in the short-term, it does not follow that they can maintain their self-regulation in the long-term.
The sociopath’s peculiar and profound self-centeredness, along with his inability to genuinely care about the harm he inflicts on others, explain why his exploitive tendencies, in the long-term at least, will demand expression.
Yet one often hear variations on the theme, “You know, when he’s not being cruel, deceptive and self-centered, he’s really a good guy.”
Or, “When she’s not scamming seniors out of their life savings, she’s got really good instincts.”
Carrying this logic a step further, it’s like saying, “You know, when he’s not raping women, he can be a quite tender, trusting lover.”
I commonly work with clients who see the refractory period separating the antisocial displays of their partners as tantalizing evidence of the latters’ “real personality;” of their “true potential” as partners/parents/friends; of how they’d be “all the time if they could just work through their demons.”
This is “enabling” thinking, steeped in denial and fantasy. It reflects the desperation to want to believe in the underlying goodness of the antisocial mate. One insists that with just a little more time, a little more forgiveness, a little more patience, one’s partner will recognize, finally, what he or she has been jeopardizing, and will finally properly value his or her mate, family and blessings.
Sometimes religious/spiritual individuals, for whom faith and forgiveness are integral to their identity, are especially prone to this self-delusive thinking. Their endurance of countless lies, deceptions and betrayals feels less about self-compromise than the fulfillment of their higher values.
They may harbor the hope, and faith, that their travails, if endured uncomplainingly and for long enough, will result finally in vindication—for instance, this will be the time he really sees the light!
I call this “reform-aholoc” thinking—that is, believing with a kind of blind faith in the antisocial partner’s capacity for reformation.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
ON THE “PASS”
To add to Matt’s comment on Tuesday, I don’t think anyone in a sociopath’s life gets a “pass.” I do believe that some people in a sociopath’s life WILL NOT ALLOW themselves to be manipulated and used, so the sociopath either drops that person from their life, or engages them for other needs, such as amusement.
My former boyfriend finally stopped trying to get me back (in other words, get back on my gravy train) when I told him VERY CLEARLY that I would not get involved with ANY man unless he is ALREADY BEING a person that I want to be involved with.
NO MORE MR. POTENTIAL.
I think one of the best ways to ensure we are not violated by a sociopath again is to be ruthless in our commitment to self.
By ruthless, I mean getting really clear about what I will and will not tolerate, and stick to it, no matter what.
No more, “It will be better when….” or “He’s doing the best he can considering….”
ON SPIRITUALITY
I have a strong spirituality and I do agree with Steve that this made me more vulnerable, in the sense that I practiced what is often referred to as Idiot Compassion.
One of the spiritual lessons I learned in my “relationship” with a sociopath is this:
I can love him unconditionally as a divine being, I can have compassion for the abuse he suffered as a child, I can forgive him, but none of that means I have to place myself back in harm’s way.
Part of Acceptance is accepting that others are how they are, and we get to choose whom we keep close, and which ones we will offer our unconditional love, but at a distance.
For a long time, I was so angry, I wanted to hate him, but I couldn’t. It pained me to stop “loving” him, because who I am is loving.
My spirituality wouldn’t let me forget he is also a divine being, a child of God. When I would acknowledge that, I felt confused about whether I should be with him, “helping him.”
It was a battle that went on inside me for over 12 months.
I have come to peace within myself by accepting that I can love him AND not allow him to abuse me.
I have just learned to love him in a different way, detached and at a distance, that keeps me and my children safe, lets me be who I am, and, I hope, puts more love energy into the world.
Robin_Hofffman,
Where were you 20 years ago when I started dating!!!!! This sentence is so profound!
Yes, they have to already be that person.
….”I would not get involved with ANY man unless he is ALREADY BEING a person that I want to be involved with.
NO MORE MR. POTENTIAL.”
It’s been nearly 2 years since I discovered that he may be a sociopath.
It’s still hard to believe that he would continue to lie about his HIV status, and carelessly and knowlingly expose other people, without saying a word. I know of at least one other person, since me, that he ‘dated’ and did not tell. This person does know now, but only had this to say, “well, I never did really ask him.”
I still see him from time to time. And he STILL always does SOMETHING to try to get to me. He looked me dead in the eye a whle back and gave me an evil smirk. And lastly he followed me from the gym floor to the lockerroom….after he had just go there. I was leaving. He was determined to have me notice him before I left.
Hi to all,
Just catching up with the blog here, and I was immediately struck by the concept of P – S as “hoarders.” If you don’t mind while I drag us all back a few steps:
My sperm-donor was a hoarder. He grew up poor; he gathered the things he thought he needed and would use – HA!
When I was in my early 20’s, he gave me the house he’d owned, for DECADES, because he partnered with his then-gf’s uncle and had purchased a farm, many miles out of town.
When – er I should say – BEFORE I could move in, I had to shovel the dungheap (and it WAS a dungheap) out. It took me about 2 weeks to clean it out, to make it habitable. There was JUNK everywhere – stacks, piles, accumulations…you get the idea.
There was his chair, in front of the TV, and three pathways from the chair, through the house: one to the kitchen, where he tossed his empty milk jugs, empty cookie package wrappers, basically 10 or more years’ worth of just plain ol’ crap; one to his bed, in which he rarely slept, he’d sleep in his chair; and one to the bathroom, which was full of filth and the floorboards rotting away.
SO I’m fond of recognizing the I “have” the packrat gene – it comes down from both parents, but the sperm-donors’ hoarding was pathological. My mom is at least and ORGANIZED packrat! lol – and I tend toward her example.
That said: If you search for imnages of “Maslow’s hierarchy of needs” (Psych 101), you’ll find that hoarders and hoarding stem from the feeling of not having enough – it is a neurosis, according to Maslow. Further, hoarding is a manifestation of some need in the three levels below it in the hierarchy, not being met.
Either the person’s most basic needs (level 1) – food, shelter, etc; or their safety and belonging needs (level 2) are diminished in some way; or their feelings of esteem aren’t adequately being met or reinforced (level 3).
I can’t explain it, because there seem to be extreme variables which apply to each individual case – let if suffice to say that hoarders “hoard” because on some level, they feel threatened by the mere dread of “not having…”
Hoarders, at least those who are merely “packrats,” as opposed to those with S – P characteristics, CAN overcome those tendencies, with a good therapist and intensive behavior modification techneiques. However, the tendency to haord remains, because, it’s been found in studies, that even if the neurosis is acknowledged and steps taken to diminish the negative impacts of same, that “getting over it” never happens; even if the undelying “unmet need” is satisfied, the neurosis doesn’t just go away.
PS gang, I just registered to complete my Bachelor’s Degree – in guess what? Psychology….
Thanks for letting me catch up and toss my 2 cents’ worth in here.
Crap, apologies for all the typos, above…need a spell checker in this thing.
Robin_Hoffman:
I am finished with “remodelling projects.” I have finally gotten the message that there is no “real him” under the abusive behavior and lying and cheating. No, what you see is what you get.
I know boundary setting is a big part of protecting yourself. And I’m still in the midst of determining what my boundaries are. That said, a recent date cancelled on me at the last minute. I started to fall into my old role of making excuses, seeing his side of things, giving another chance, etc. Then I realized, if I do this, I am showing myself an even greater lack of respect than he showed me. His behavior was a red flag. So, I decided to keep on looking.
Dodged_A_Bullet:
I’ve been almost 6 months NC with S. Don’t ask me why, but I’ve had this feeling, growing stonger daily, that I”m about to run into S. I know when that happens he will pull something.
That said, I am sick of aavoiding places because S might show up. I am sick of S’s smear campaign. But, most of all, I am really, really sick of S still having any effect on my life, even in abstentia.
Matt,
HAH! We’re on at the same time…a rare occurance…
The “HIGH ROAD” – no matter if he IS where you go – you can take the high road. How much credence do you really believe that others will give HIM and his smear campaign, when you are on the high road.
Bless you, you do have the strength to overcome. Go where you will; you’re on the high road, above that low-life’s short-term, greedy, smear-y, N behaviors.
a_real_wife:
The high road sure beats the road I took when I was with S -basically I had to take 3 flights up to reach the sewer on that road.
I’ve decided the happiest day of my life will be the day that I realize an entire day has gone by and S hasn’t entered my thoughts once.
Hi I was picking up on the posts about perversion and egg donors. perhaps I am going off on a tangent. My ex NDP S was definitely more the ted bundy type. On the surface all nice and sweet underneath very dark and very perverted. Coming from a dysfunctional background I met him through an interesting source and he had a real interest in fetish.
I realised how interested he really was when I finally ended the relationship having found him on an egg donor site and a number of swinging sites with the most disgusting perversion even I found shocking. I cannot right on here or it might upset a few people. Put it this way I had been monogomous throughout the whole relationship believing he was an unhappily married man but I got myself straight down the HIV clinic quicker than a sprinter when I found out what he was doing.
Sometimes we do not listen to the red flags. I remember talking to a friend who was transvestite and my ex having an unhealthy interest and when I said what they did they said “oh I would never do that its distgusting” only to find that that’s exactly what my ex had been doing in the four years he was with me!
what amazes me is the fact that hes people have NO FEAR WHATSOEVER. They almost get a sick and twisted perversion out of the chance they might get caught. Its like a kind of half truth where they are sticking two fingers up saying “you cant catch me” and at same time making it so easy to get themselves get caught out.
All the information I found out about my ex was freely available on google. This was a married man posting his real name and his own photograph, birthdate and starsign on every sex site in the UK. I just had to type in his name and pages of stuff came up.
Of course when I first found it all he denied everything because he had been caught but I realised later there was a perverted bif of him that wanted to get caught too.
Being his girlfriend for 4 years and finding out all this disgusting stuff made me feel sick and disgusted. Many times I turned over at night wondering if I should tell his wife he had been cheating on her for four years and worse that he had been cheating on me by going on sex sites, swinging sites and donating his sperm by natural insemination.
I never told his wife NOT because I didn’t want to but I think there was a part of him that wanted me to tell her so he could punish her as well.
So I definitely agree they get a sick kind of perversion out of doing what they do. When I finally confronted my ex he admitted to having psychopathic traits and couldn’t explain why he had done what he did.
One of the best books I have read about the way they play their game and manipulate us and get us sucked in is “women who love psychopaths”. I think when I read that it really hit home how sick and twisted they really are
Hi Matt and everyone-
I too am sick of constantly thinking about the s- the person I thought liked me, cared about me, was my best friend. And in my case, it doesn’t seem I have to worry about him contacting me because he seems to have blown me off totally.
Why am I not grateful?, you ask. I should be glad, right. It seems he is is major trouble at work, just having gotten a five day suspension . He has not been back to work since the suspension, partially due to his Dad passing away, but also possibly because he is afraid when he comes back he will be fired. Again– I should be glad I am not associated with him any more. Obviously he has done something slimy at work and he was caught (and who knows what he has done that he hasn’t been caught for?).
But , the sad truth is that, 9 months after the monster emerged, I still miss him so so much. Even though I know it was a fantasy- he was so good, he was so nice, nicer almost than anyone ever has been to me in my life. He made me feel like a desirable woman, which I never have before in my life. And that is what makes him such a monster– he knew I have a bad self-image and after pumping me up for 18 months unceremoneously dumps me without a backward glance and moves on to his next conquest.
Recovery does not seem to be going in a straight line for me. A couple of weeks ago I was doing very well- especially after I heard about the suspension. But somehow, after his Dad died, I had a big setback. I broke the NC rule and e-mailed him I was sorry and he responded by e-mail only with “Thanks much”. I have been good about not trying to contact him again- but it is killing me. I so so want to talk to him, to comfort him (yea, I know that’s dumb).
I just need to keep reading the posts on this site and stay strong. Some days are harder than others and I still cry a lot.