Is sociopathy a perversion? If yes, a perversion of what? And if it is a perversion, does this compel us to revisit the sociopaths’ culpability for his transgressions? After all, perversions imply antisocial, irrepressible impulses. If an impulse is irrepressible, or unsuppressible, how culpable is its expresser?
I think a good case can be made that sociopathy is a perversion—a perversion of personality characterized by the unsuppressible tendency to exploit others.
It’s not so much a question of the sociopath’s sanity: most sociopaths, by criminal standards, are sane. Then again, so are most kleptomaniacs.
When I refer to the sociopath’s unsuppressible tendency to exploit, I mean unsuppressible in a characterological, more than compulsive, sense. The sociopath, that is, appears characterologically to be driven to perpetrate incursions against others’ space and security.
While I think that sociopaths, like most transgressors, can exercise, on a case by case basis, some selective choice in determining when next, and whom, to violate, I do not think that sociopaths, in the bigger picture, can control their exploitive tendencies any more than saints can control their beneficent tendencies.
I regard it as inevitable that the sociopath will violate others and, unless stopped, violate repeatedly.
In my view, many wrongly interpret the sociopath’s capacity for situational self-restraint as suggestive of what ought, therefore, to be the sociopath’s capacity to cease his exploitation more broadly.
But I stress—while it’s true that most sane individuals, including sociopaths, can exercise some suppressive control over the expression, timing and direction of their antisocial tendencies in the short-term, it does not follow that they can maintain their self-regulation in the long-term.
The sociopath’s peculiar and profound self-centeredness, along with his inability to genuinely care about the harm he inflicts on others, explain why his exploitive tendencies, in the long-term at least, will demand expression.
Yet one often hear variations on the theme, “You know, when he’s not being cruel, deceptive and self-centered, he’s really a good guy.”
Or, “When she’s not scamming seniors out of their life savings, she’s got really good instincts.”
Carrying this logic a step further, it’s like saying, “You know, when he’s not raping women, he can be a quite tender, trusting lover.”
I commonly work with clients who see the refractory period separating the antisocial displays of their partners as tantalizing evidence of the latters’ “real personality;” of their “true potential” as partners/parents/friends; of how they’d be “all the time if they could just work through their demons.”
This is “enabling” thinking, steeped in denial and fantasy. It reflects the desperation to want to believe in the underlying goodness of the antisocial mate. One insists that with just a little more time, a little more forgiveness, a little more patience, one’s partner will recognize, finally, what he or she has been jeopardizing, and will finally properly value his or her mate, family and blessings.
Sometimes religious/spiritual individuals, for whom faith and forgiveness are integral to their identity, are especially prone to this self-delusive thinking. Their endurance of countless lies, deceptions and betrayals feels less about self-compromise than the fulfillment of their higher values.
They may harbor the hope, and faith, that their travails, if endured uncomplainingly and for long enough, will result finally in vindication—for instance, this will be the time he really sees the light!
I call this “reform-aholoc” thinking—that is, believing with a kind of blind faith in the antisocial partner’s capacity for reformation.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
blindsided31:
It’s true, isn’t it? That the longest distance to travel is the 18 inches between your head and your heart?
Intellectually, we all understand sociopaths are all masters of illusion. Intellectually, we are all grateful they are no longer wreaking havoc in our lives. But, emotionally, we all crave that “walk in the clouds” we all experienced in the initial phase with our sociopaths.
I have always suffered from low self-esteem courtesy of an N mother and a S father. If you looked at a photo of me, you would say I’m a good looking man. I’ve been successful in my career (okay, at least until I got laid off), own a nice apartment in NYC, and have a few bucks in the bank. But, he was the first one to make me feel desirable and like I was the king of the world.
Until the devalue and discard.
When I look at a calendar, or my AMEX statements over the course of my relationship with S, I realize that he made me miserable for the better part of it. I spent and spent and spent trying to win back his “love. And my health is absolutely a mess from all the stress.
I found myself thinking the other day what would I do if his mother finally did die (she’s been brain dead and on life support for almost 4 years). Then I realized, based on his past behavior, any expressions of sympathy would be twisted into something evil on his part. I don’t even think I would get a thank you out of him.
The one thing that keeps me going is NC. Every time I hear from somebody on this site breaking the NC rule, it seems they come out worse than they were before they did. Although, I am the first to admit, it can be a killer some days.
Matt
We really do have a lot in common. I too an a professional, A MSW social worker. Some people might also say that I am OK looking, but I never had a good self image, never felt comfortable flirting etc. until— the S came along. That is what is so diabolical about Sps is that they can hone in on our weaknesses and use it to reel you in. I’m convinced that they get some sort of peverse pleasure in the D&D- –“Look, I am able to have so much power over someone that my mere actions can devastate someone”. The scumbags!!
You are really right about breaking the NC rule, although it was for a good reason, it seems to be what has led to my setback the last week or so.
On a brighter note, I was reviewing in my mind my actions in certain situations over the past few weeks. And, although I have always been a pretty compassionate person, it seems that now the “better angels” rule me much more than ever. I find myself spontanoeusly reaching out to other people to offer help or compassion. For example, a co-worker recently lost his son .(it just so happens this guy was another victim of the Sp- the Sp got a bonus for recruiting this guy, but when the guy came to work in our office, Sp bascially blew off the guy saying “he’s not as cool as I thought he would be”. Funny, in reality, this guy is WAY cooler than the Sp, he has a conscience )In the past I might have been reluctant to reach out to someone after a horrible loss like that, not knowing what to say. But in this case, I went right to him when he returned to work, expressed my sympathy, and offered my support.
In thinking about my actions tonight, I really think that my experience with the Sp has made me a even more compassionate person, more able to empathize with others.
Funny that any good could come out of a relationship with a Sp.
To all that still ‘miss’ the S. Give it time. It will pass.
Take comfort in knowing that the day will come when you will not think of them in that ‘mushy/missin/lovin’ way. You’ll come to grips with what they are. And that they will never change, and they will never love you. They can’t.
S O S – I’m catching up on this thread and your observation that Hollywood doesn’t seem to “get” male sociopaths jumped out at me, as I had just finished watching *Drill Bit Taylor* two nights ago and was thinking about this very thing. Don’t know how many of you have seen this movie (definitely not worth wasting the time it takes to watch, as much as I like Owen Wilson), but it was really very weird. There’s a bully and his henchmen (in high school; this film is targeted to 14-year-old boys, I believe) and this bully is so obvious and clearly intended to portray a sociopath. But the “Drill Bit” character is ALSO a sociopath! He’s totally using these boys who have mistakenly hired him to protect them from the bully, and he rips them off and lies to them and manipulates them and lets them down continually until the very end when he sees the light, supposedly, and then goes to bat for them. Very unconvincing. And I couldn’t stop thinking about it. And then I thought about Ox Drover’s comment about how many powerful people like judges are SPs themselves – wherever there’s power to be had there are sociopaths to grab it. And think about Hollywood! Don’t you know there are sociopaths galore in that environment! Studio heads, all these ruthless people . . . this idea that some character like “Drill Bit” is actually some kind of lovable dufus has got to come right out of a sociopath’s fantasy. Or play book: Awwww, he just needs some love to be a decent person, that’s all. This discussion might sound trivial, but with your observation, S O S, it really made me think about how much sociopaths are romanticized and minimized in movies. And I think that may be because sociopaths are in charge of how these people are portrayed. Which impacts all of our ability to judge such people’s behavior and how we should be responding to them.
Thank you Dodged for reminding me that missing S is pointless, as is romantisizing that he ever really loved me…I know he cant. he is a hoarder allright, and his hoarding is composed of all the ohter women he keeps around for his indiscrationary use to feed his endless need of narcisstic supply, and there are many at any given time. It took me way to long to figure this out.
I saw “Stand By Me” again the other night. The Ace Merrill character played by Kiefer Sutherland does sociopathy some justice – but again, he’s an obvious villain.
If you google “movie psychopaths” or similar, you get the usual criminal psychotic psychos: Cape Fear, No Country For Old Men, The Shining… I’ve never seen The Good Son ”“ maybe getting closer to a realistic kid sociopath?
You’d think most any of these stories you read right here at LF would make a good movie. The realistic common sociopath doesn’t eat puppies for dinner, but walks straight through them completely oblivious to whether he’s stepping on or kicking them or not.
Killer Instinct by Hamsher is a book about Hollywood sociopathy during the filming of Natural Born Killers. A lot of ’weirdness’ seems to happen around Oliver Stone. I mentioned his Wall Street movie, where Stone was rumored to have started a feud between the possibly sociopathic Charlie Sheen and the naïvely quirky Sean Young.
hi everyone. i am seeing the paterns still in my s path 3 years after our relationship ended. i think everytime he gets dumped or turned down for sex or something else he decides to try and contact me he rang me about two weeks ago the day after he visited another female friend for her birthday. he just called me out of the blue wanting to get together. thak god i was at my mothers and used that as a reason for not talkingto him. but my guess is he just got rejected by the other woman somehow, and needed me to pep up his ego and make him feel wanted. you can read them like a book even after a long time apart.its a patern and ive seen it many times with him.another sartling thing happened to me too i was reading the sunday papers here and i read an artile about this guy who was charged with raping and asaulting a woman and a few other asaults on woman he was in relationships with,a sp no doubt from the article i read. it says he got 6 years jail . thats good another less sp on the streets. then that night i went onto a dating site i use sometimes and i could not believe it there he was the guy in the article had a profile on this dating site even using his real name as a code name it was him the same guy. what is wrong with the people running these sites this guy is a rapist and criminal convicted as one so why let him post a profile on a site like that, when will the rest of society get it like we all do dont they read the papers or watc the news . it made me realise how blind the majority of people are out there. thanks .
jules:
Your comment that your S was still contacting you 3 years aftert the relationship ended rang a bell with me. I’ve had friends recently comment that I am about due to hear from S (I ended it 6 months ago). I’ve been having a gut feeling that I’m about to. Yesterday, a friend of mine, who was married to a borderline told me point blank that these people never go away.
You are right, you can read them like a book. Funny thing is, you can read ALL of them like a book. I’m constantly struck by the similarities in ALL our stories on this site. It’s like they are pre-programmed. Months 1-3 they treat you like royalty. Month 3 the bell goes off. Then comes the prolonged devalue and discard.
As for the dating site incident, I’ve been thinking, there must be some country out there that wants to sell a piece of remote territory — preferably one surrounded by shark infested water. And quicksand. The global community should chip in and buy the territory and ship all the sociopaths there.
Yup, that’s my definition of heaven.
Dear Jules,
Glad to hear from you again!!!
As for “dating sites” they are nothing as far as I am concerned except TROLLING GROUNDS FOR PSYCHOPATHS. I do not and will not ever go on a “dating site” for purposes of “meeting” someone. I think it is WAY too dangerous, because people can be anyone they want to be behind that screen. There is NO realistic way that the dating sites can investigate the people who post on there….so the Ps just have a field day. My son met his P-X-wife on the internet, and I know others hwo have hooked up with or even married Ps they met on dating sites.
jules….yeah, they, or many of them, show up again. I’ve already told the story here how mine showed up at my door nearly 3 years after the d&d and divorce. It turns out the boyfriend had temporarily abandoned her that weekend and she’d already farmed out our daughter to friends for the weekend. Nothing like a BPD left alone…panic city. Nothing personal…they just need “supply” old, new, good or bad. No clue or care how the victim feels….it was all their fault anyway. The “S’ is entitled.
And they retain their fantasies of the smear campaign. I’d picked up my daughter and a friend after school. It’s a small town. We met the x-tox and her boyfriend passing in cars on the street. My daughter said: “Oh, great, Mom will be going on tonight about you stalking her again!” I laughed and said: “Why would I want to do that?” That was last week. LOL
Oxy…dating sites? Hunting grounds. Prey animals are smarter than humans…they don’t go looking for predators.