By | October 24, 2008 161 Comments

Is this person a jerk, a narcissist or a sociopath?

I do my best to read all of the comments on because I think they are a good barometer as to what people are thinking and questioning. One recent theme/question has been the issue of the realm of jerkdom. Just what is a jerk?

Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary defines a jerk as an annoyingly stupid or foolish person b: an unlikable person ; especially one who is cruel, rude, or small-minded. But how would a psychologist approach answering this question?

Psychologists studying personality tend to fall into two categories, with members of the first category being far more numerous. The first category of psychologists is composed of trait psychologists. A trait psychologist is someone who studies personality by looking at traits. Traits are words, primarily adjectives that are used to describe people.

The dictionary says jerks are foolish, unlikeable, rude, cruel and small minded. We might take the process further and ask everyone reading this to list adjectives describing jerks. We would then find jerks and make our own determination as to whether or not the adjectives describe them.

This trait approach is similar to that used to identify sociopaths and narcissists. This process allows us to put people in a category. So with this approach, we could find traits that differentiate between jerks, narcissists an sociopaths. Most of us think of traits when we think about people and personality.

There is another way to look at people and personality that considers motives rather than traits. Although the fundamental motives of love, power and achievement exist in all people there are individual differences in the degree to which these motives rule a person.

A motive psychologist might say that a jerk is someone with too little love motivation and too much power motivation. But then that also describes a sociopath and a narcissist. Aren’t motives after all more basic than traits? If you are interacting with someone, aren’t you most interested in understanding that person’s motives as opposed to observing their traits?

Consider the following letter we received this week:

There are certain things about my daughter-in-law that I just don’t understand. I am not a psychologist so I don’t know for fact what is wrong with her.

She and my son had a rocky relationship before marriage. She was pulling him away from his best friend but was herself going to spend time with the guy after she dropped my son off at work. She played them off of each other until they just went their separate ways. It was always his best friends fault.

This is what truly hurts me….. after she married my son they lived with my husband and I. We worked long hours and came home to a mess. She and my son neither one worked but expected us to clean up after her. She would cook and I was to play maid. When this didn’t go over she belittled me. She asked to talk to me privately. There wasn’t one thing about me she liked. She told me that she was tired of fighting for my sons attention. They moved out to my relief. I took what she said to heart and didn’t contact my son for anything. I left it to him to contact me if he needed me. This hurt him even though I explained I didn’t want to come in between them.

They had a beautiful daughter and she uses her against us at every turn. We have gotten used to it and don’t let her get satisfaction from it any more. She has planted pills on the floor of my mother-in-law’s home to make it look like her home isn’t safe. She has done that scam twice. She has told my other daughter-in-law that she is only with my son because he puts up with things other men wouldn’t. She has admitted to sleeping with other men but made it out to my son that she was made to share a blanket. I am truly worried for my son and his daughter. She is such a good liar. Oh by the way she makes it out as if she is the only person capable of watching my granddaughter. At my grandma’s funeral she became angry with my son for not catching the baby before she put chalk in her mouth. but then she didn’t catch her stick a holly berry in her mouth and that was ok. She was too busy flirting with my son’s cousin who btw is working on his masters”¦

Am I a paranoid mother and grandmother that just needs to continue watching people she loves be hurt? Or is there maybe something to this behavior?

What do you think?

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IMO a jerk may screw around sometimes or drink too much at times and say hurtful things sometimes etc., but there is not the cold planning and calculation behind their motives it that you find with a sociopath. This person in the article, IMO as a laypersonl, sounds more like a sociopath. Take the planting the pills, not once but twice, for example. This took cold planning and deliberateness with an intended outcome, not to mention total disregard for the fact that any child or pet could happen upon the pills and suffer great harm, but the person simply didn’t care as long as she got her intended outcome. Plus the behavior she is dishing out and her calculated manner and selfishness is not limited to just her spouse or a particular situation, she is pretty much spreading it around to everybody.


Jen did or do you back trac and read the blogs?

earlyer I was spilling my story And my (it) I never once thought he was cognicent of what he was doing except in the end with his rap music !


IMO, the difference between jerks, narcissists and sociopaths are that jerks are jerky all the time. They don’t pretend to NOT be jerks. They don’t try to fool people. You can see one a mile away.

Narcissists I don’t have much experience with, but they have terrible relationships, whereas a jerk would put up with someone who is also a jerk. Narcissists need to be the only jerk in the relationship.

Sociopaths are a whole different ball of wax. The chick in the letter sounds like one to me, because she hides her true colors and makes excuses when caught. Blames others for her mess-ups or just plain hides them. Like Jen said, they are calculating and try to get their plan to work out. They seek out those who are naive and pliable.

Just my uneducated guess.

Most lawyers are jerks. By the way, if you ever need a lawyer, find one you DON’T like. They usually work the best. Our mistake was finding a soft-hearted one and she ruined our case against our sociopath. Now the children have to live with her half the time for the rest of their childhood. BEWARE!!!


Indigo, Yes, I follow the posts. Although I think socios do also do things just impulsively sometimes or without forethought (planning out) that can harm you, so can alot of other people who are not socios.

In Dr. Leedom’s example, when I looked at the whole of the womans actions, although some of them could be explained by being a jerk, or a narcissist, all of it taken together just looks more like sociopath to me. Like Kerisee said, she is playing the blame game for everything for starters.

But not only that, she seems to me to be very calculating. She deliberately set about the break up her man’s relationship with his friend, playing them against each other. She expected free room and board from her in-laws, giving very little in return. She made it all the M-I-L’s fault, belittling her, and also set about breaking up the Mother’s relationship with the son. She uses her daughter as a “tool” to manipulate with and to reward and punish. She portrays herself as a good, caring Mother (so she can use her daughter as a tool), yet look how fast she forgot her daughter’s welfare as soon as something else caught her attention that she was interested in.

She cares little for her husband and is just using him, by her own admission, because she needs or wants a husband for whatever reason, staying only because he puts up with her and tolerates her–meaning she can be with him and still do whatever she wants, like sleep with other men. And not only that, she doesn’t seem to see what the problem would be with that since she is telling other people that is what she is doing. Then she lies about the sleeping around and makes lame excuses to justify. The sleeping around and attention seeking and thinking she is the only one who can watch her daughter could be narcissism.

But when I look at ALL the behavior and manipulation and calculating, PLUS add in her cold disregard for possibly seriously harming someone by planting pills—-it just says sociopathy to me.

Everyday jerks have all sorts of motivations- low-self esteem, greed, meaness and sometimes they are just plain socially inept.
Psycho are power hungry. Looking at motives can help understand someone’s nature. It helped me discern what my psycho was up too.


I had to agree with kerisee04 comment that Jerks are like that all the time and in fact know they are Jerks and refuse to change. Ever hear this statement from a “jerk”. “You can’t change me and no one can!” “The world will never change me because I like who I am” and so on. So in fact they know they are jerks but feel no reason to change it. But people who suffer from a Personality Disorder do change almost in lighting speed. Becoming more like the next victim i.e. relationship. They (PD) aren’t fix by any type of core personality. How many times we hear how chameleon they can be. In fact I believe they will be “sweet as pie” one day and a jerk the next. How very changeable they are! But not so with a Jerk. “So I am a Jerk, well that is your problem not mine!” Jerk can seen almost conceited about the whole subject. Not so with PD’s. Also Jerks show their true colors from beginning to end. Not so with PD’s. We never really know who they are from beginning to end. The only thing I see that they share (Jerk vs. PD) is the unwariness to change. But I bet my top dollar a Jerk can stop being one much easier then a PD can stop manipulating lying and deceiving others for Narcissist supply or whatever they can get out of someone.



Yes I agree insomuch that yes she is a “jerk” but compare to the real core problems in her life and those that should be the closest and dearest to her are nothing more then “objects” that she will use and use to get whatever she wants at that time. Yes she is a jerk but compare that to her personality (or lack of it) that is the real problem which is “long lasting and fixed”. I just hope the husband will someday wake up from her “spell” then become the spellbreakers and get out from this relationship. He owns this to his daughter and the family that loves him this much as well as himself. I hope he will someday.



I not debating anything you wrote on your blog in fact I agree with it’s entirely. Just read my last blog and it didn’t look right. Anyway I am still sick with this head cold so my words might be confusing somewhat. Anyway Yes I agree she is a P. To many “red flags” there not to see it.

James 🙁

Unwilling Raconteur

I think that people who are “jerks” are quite different than sociopaths. For one, typically, all the jerks I’ve known have been reformed. Something has happened that has landed them smack on their butts, and that knocks the wind out of them. They grow compassion … and a soul. I’ve met many a former jerk that I didn’t even recognize because they’d turned into such super people by way of life experience.

I don’t believe this is so with the sociopath. My ex-S has had many butt-landing moments, but he has not been humbled by them, nor has he learned anything about what it means to be compassionate and empathetic. Also, I would have never pegged him as a jerk at first … he actually came across as a shy guy, a nice ordinary guy, a regular Joe. When people told me, “Uh … he’s an a-hole,” NO WAY would I believe them. I thought that they *had* to have something in for him. When I saw his true colors, I began to understand that this “faux humility” was something that he wore like an attractive wardrobe to suck me into his game.


Dear holywatersalt: I read your blog … and found it interesting what you said about ET.

Think about what I am about to suggest …what if it takes one to know one and his theory of quieting one’s mind to be able to obtain that humble place again could only be explained by someone such as himself.

No one explained Narcissism better to me than Lowen and he’s a self proclaimed “N”.


Ox Drover

For my “two cents worth”–there are degrees of jerks just like there are degrees of violence in psychopaths.

There are the socially inept “jerks” who don’t even know they are jerks, they are just so socially unsure of themselves and do “stupid” (or, inappropriate, might be a better word) things without a lot of malice in their minds or hearts.

There are Narcissistic people who would qualify as Jerks because it is always about them, they “eat the last piece of cake knowing you haven’t had any” but they are truly upset when you point out how inconsiderate they were. They didn’t do it to piss you off, it just never occured to them that they weren’t entitled to what they wanted when they wanted it without any advance consideration for your “piece of cake.”

Their “crimes” are minor compared to a psychopaths’ and do less damage and their intentions aren’t to harm you, just to get what they want.

Of course there are all kinds of “levels” in between extremes.


The main difference between a jerk and a narcissist/sociopath, is that a jerk has empathy. I think the actions between all three could be exactly the same. A person can have empathy and still be cruel, that is the jerk.

It’s hard to tell if someone has empathy. Ns and Ps have learned the social cues on how to behave in certain situations that require empathy. Usually a person doesn’t find out the lack of empathy until the mask slips. The S/N mask slipping is terrifying, and there is no mistake that you are staring at a non-empathetic person when it slips. Waiting for the mask to slip, is probably the worst way to find out if they have empathy.

There are a few cues on if you are dealing with a N/S before their mask slips. The biggest one I experienced was the pity play. Do they manipulate your empathy with a sob story? Do they cry at socially strange times? Then you are dealing with a N/S. Also, another experience I had was the dichotomies. He would tell me I am a goddess while at the same time telling me I stunk and had a big butt. The criticisms were unbelievable while at the same time convincing me he found me so special. He would tell me one thing and do another.

Once you decide they are a N or S, the difference between a sociopath and narcisist is small. If they end up in prison, you can be sure they are a sociopath. That is because the sociopath is more impulsive and will act on a crime faster then a narcissist. Narcissists are typically not criminals. Another difference is narcissistic supply. A narcissist is like a drug addict searching for the attention of others. Where the normal population is satisfied with their loved ones and a small group of friends, a narcissist wants to know the world and strives for it. The narcissist is always on the phone, texting, and emailing. And like a drug addict, they are never satisfied with the amount of people in their life. Sociopaths don’t show the need for supply as much. Sociopaths are also more deceitful and aggresive (portions taken from malignant self love by sam vaknin). Also what OxD wrote, a sociopath will harm you because it is their intention. Narcissists harm you because they are trying to get more narcissist supply. Whether you get hurt or not is of little concern to them.

Regarding the daughter-in-law in question. If it weren’t for the pill scam, I would call her a narcissist hands down. She is always trying to get the narcissistic supply of men, and it doesn’t seem to be her intention to hurt the son. This is narcissistic. But the deceit of the pill scam, brings her closer to a sociopath. With the scam we have to look at her intention. Is it her intention to hurt the mother in law? Or is it her intention to secure supply from her daughter? Given the grand daughter being involved in the pill scam, and it seems like the daughter in law is trying to secure her supply, I would bet the daughter-in-law is a narcissist.

Ox Drover

VEry good insight, Bird, and well stated too. I think the DIL is more on the P side than the N side of the scale if N is on the left and p on the right and as you go from N to P the progression gets worse, but keep in mind, all Ps are Ns, but not all Ns are Ps.

I just want you to know how very very very much I admire the strength you have shown throughout your encounter with the P and surviving having a baby without a father, while you yourself were hurting so. You are a “gold star” woman, Bird! and I am also very glad that Birdie has you for a mom, a smart cookie, to protect him from the Buzzard! ((((hugs)))))


Bird: My first rollercoaster ride was a full fledged N. He was about 4 years younger than I at the time of my divorce. I was 28, he just turned 24. It was a big difference in age back then … I thinking I was almost 30 and him couldn’t believe he wasn’t 20 anymore.

His mom and dad came over to this country. Both parents couldn’t speak English. Dad did odd jobs in his sister’s store, learned English along the way … just to get by, mom was a stay at home housewife/mother … didn’t get out … learned English from her children as they grew up.

So that’s the description of this family’s story.

My “N”‘s father cheated on his mom all the time … there’s the dynamics happening right in the household … mom moping around for weeks, while dad was off gallavanting with the new OW …. so sunny boy (my ex boyfriend, her son) becomes the doting son … all her attention was focused on her son, the only son she gave her husband (he had 3 sisters) … his mom, during those dark days of depression when he husband was off with the OW, crying her eyes out, doting on her only son … started the Narcissism in him at the age of 3 or 4. Here, daddy’s gone, mommy dotes on sunny boy … then Daddy comes back, mom’s all happy again, sonny boy is thrown onto the back burner … starts acting out to get attention, good or bad attention, did not matter at the time, you’re 5 or 6 …

What the kid learned at an early age.

No matter what Dad did to mom, she’d cry while he was gone … mope around … dote on her only son … throw the kid over when her husband came back … mommy always took daddy back, no matter what he did.

Sonny boy is only special when daddy’s bad and gone out of the house with another.

Sonny boy is always put on the back burner when daddy’s back home for a few months.

And, you wonder why this kid is a full fledged Narcissists as he grew up …

I send him peace, just as all of you should send your EX peace … we don’t know the entire story how all of them grew up and what horros they endured while trying to do so …

Oh, did I mention daddy beat sonny boy every time he came home … fighting over the turf of the family and who would be by mom’s side … Da ya think the kid turned off his emotions at an early age cause of this?




My (it) His mother was a (dancer) AAAAAaaa you know what kind of dancer , she’s on #8 or#9 husband My (it) said she you to pay him to be good ! His Birth father died that first year we lived together . (it ) showed a little bit of emotion ,he rembered going fishing w/dad but it sounded like maybe one time. His mother said his dad was a shit

So I to sypathize but It doesn’t matter what you grew up w/ they could have choosen to better them selves but they choose the other direction . Each of us has that choice and lives w/the cosequences of that choice . I’m acctually fine w/(it) liveing in prision (it) will be w/it’s own kind !

LOVE jere


Indigoblue: Easier said than done. My parents were good to us kids … my mom wore the same RED car coat for years … as the four of her children were growing up. I remember in H.S. her buying a new winter coat … it was royal blue … and I said, “mom, that’s a nice coat, but the color … well, I’m used to seeing you in the RED coat … then it dawned on me while the words were coming out of my mouth … how much my mom gave up for all of us kids to have, and she went without.

I can’t imagine having a horror story childhood placed on me by my parents/caretakers …

That’s why God tells us NOT to judge others … cause we don’t know the entire story, we think we do, but we don’t … the theory, walk a mile in someone else’s shoes … Hence, why GOD specifically tells us to stay humble … don’t focus on what others are doing, focus on what you are doing at the moment … ONLY God knows what’s in another person’s heart when they do anything …

My Dad grew up with a horror story of his father’s drinking and irresponsibility due to that drinking. He never knew if he was coming home to good daddy or bad monster daddy because of the alcohol … my father made a conscious decision at the age of 10 to have a good life.

I think that’s the trick for anyone … coming from the conscious decision how you want to live your life …

I think that’s what we are doing on this blog … ensuring folks make a conscious decision how they want to live their lives … after our horrific experiences with our EX.



I totally agree ! when my (its) mother said he had no friends , warnning #1 , I coul’nt believe my ears ! Here in lies that Oh (it) had never been Loved and I do Love I can Help ! see it?

I don’t pretend to know anything about (its) child hood (it) was 22 when I met him

I love You Wini I love the message you express you have made me cry , tears of Joy because your words are so True and Positive and uplifting ever listen to ? It is almost all I listen to music for the soul

My (it) whould mock its slogan (it) whould sing in a irritateing voice (Negative Hits)


Indigoblue: I always get in trouble for speaking TRUTH. Most people can’t or don’t want the truth to come out … that’s if they are the taker personalties (LOL). Giver’s don’t mind truth …



Correction: First report that came across the news late last night, was misreported. It was Jennifer Hudson’s family members found murdered in their home … not Jennifer.

I’m sorry for the confusion … I was blogging someone late last night when the report came in.

Pray for her and her family. Murder of your loved ones is the most horrific type of pain to deal with … it is beyond the pain of someone you love dying a natural death. I’ve had to deal with this situation too … so it touches my heart and soul deeply, beyond anyone’s imagination.



I just wanted to thank everyone for their insight abt my dil. I still dont know what to do if anything. I know that whatever happens I dont want my family hurt. not by me or anyone else.


renee71: I never read your post? Care to elaborate?


was the story about the daughter in law jerk or narcissist.


I would still be believing that I was an over paranoid person if other people I know werent seeing the same thing and asking me about it.


renee71: I still don’t understand? I never wrote you before and I don’t know where your original post is.


sorry it isnt a post. I e-mailed dr leedom it is the story Is this person a jerk, a narcissist or a sociopath?”
I’ve never done this b4 so I dont know exactly what I am doing I just needed help


renee71: I saw that … either way, if someone is going to be derogatory towards another person in anyway shape or form, they are history in my book.


I’m not sure I understand. They are my family and I need them. I just want to know what I am to do to help.


renee71: Best book to read on this issue, of family members lying to you is “People of the Lie” … I forgot who wrote it … but the library will have it.

Peace to you … good luck.


thank you very much


renee71: You are welcome. I’m signing out.

Peace to your heart and soul.


If you want to see one of the BEST documentaries about a psychopath and how he conned sooooo many people while he was on death row youu need to order and watch the movie linked below.


Coleman appeared on the cover of TIME magazine on May 8th 1992 and also appeared on Larry King, ABC, Jerry Falwell, etc. This documentary shows so well a true psychopath. The video interviews of him and his supporters along with his diaries BEFORE he was proven guilty by DNA are a great touch. Here is what the description of the video says:

In May 1992, Roger Keith Coleman was executed by the state of Virginia for the rape and murder of his sister-in-law, Wanda McCoy. While on death row, Coleman devised a plan to convince the world that he was innocent. But a polygraph test and DNA testing eventually proved his guilt. His claims of innocence attracted unprecedented coverage, including numerous network documentaries and even the cover of TIME magazine.

For 14 years after his execution, Coleman’s supporters battled to exonerate his name, and deliver a severe blow to the death penalty. Finally, in January 2006, the governor of Virginia ordered DNA testing. It would be the first time in U.S. history that a test would be applied to samples taken from a man already put to death by the state. The result confirmed, to a certainty of one in 19 million, that Coleman was guilty.

DECEIVING INNOCENCE: THE ROGER COLEMAN STORY explores the depths of his deception, and how he managed to fool so many for so long. Coleman’s past is uncovered and in it is revealed a side of his character his supporters overlooked in their haste to project Coleman as an innocent victim.

Also detailed is Coleman’s campaign to reinvent his character once he arrived on death row. Drawing from his prison diary – made available for the first time – his various efforts to convince his supporters that he was the victim of a monumental injustice are examined. Coleman’s case was infused with drama until the very end, when on the morning of his execution, he was subjected to a polygraph test, a test he failed. In his first interview, the polygrapher describes the session in this documentary, and provides an audio tape of the examination.

Finally, filmmakers are present as Jim McCloskey, Coleman’s principal advocate, awaits the call from a Canadian laboratory with the DNA results and is told that he has wasted almost 20 years of his life trying to prove Coleman’s innocence.


FYI – I am willing to donate my video to LF (I purchased it) so anyone who can not obtain it could borrow it, watch it, and pass it along to the next person or back to LF.


the more I read of this subject the more I seem to misunderstand. I dont understand how people can hurt others to make themselves feel better. Or glorify themselves. what ever it is


Trying to figure out what it is like to be an unempathetic person who doesn’t have the ability to love, is like trying to figure out what it is like to be an ant or a fox. They are different and they have different wiring. The best way to describe it is that they don’t have the ability to love. Normal people have complex emotions when it comes to interpersonal relationships, and we spend a lot of time thinking about our relationships. Imagine not having that. Sociopaths are bored a lot. To get the thrill that we get from love, they have to get it through power. To them nothing is more thrilling or powerful then to destroy someones life.

Ox Drover

DEar Renee,

My X-DIL had a son in a wheel chiar and an out of control teenager daughter and she needed a “meal ticket” she found my son on the internet and BINGO she got him hooked into pity/love for her. They were together almost 8 years and the entire time she alienated him from the family,, even though they lived very close to us physically.

She ruined his credit by “managing the money” and it was all money that came in from my son’s work, she didn’t work or contribute at all and the money her son got (a few hundred a month) was his “play money” and not to be spent on things like electric or water bills which piled up and up and up.

Last summer she was having an affair with a psychopath and my son caught her (the psychopath was pretending to be a family friend though he came into our family like a Trojan HOrse with the intent to kill me) anyway, when my son C found out about the affair, he offered to go to counseling with her and work it out etc etc. She PRETENDED to want that too, then while he was off guard she bought herself and her BF guns with the intention of killing my son and making it look like “self defense” she knew her BF was an ex convict and that it was a felony for him to have a gun so she cooked up a “story” that was easily seen through, and than GOD that my son was able to get through to 911 before they killed him.

She and her BF went to jail where she stayed for 8 months and was released on 5 yrs probation, and he went to prison for 3 yrs. (her son had died in the meantime) she also stole $24,000 from my mom, most of which was recovered.

Believe me she and the Trojan HOrse psychopath were working our family hard. When they couldn’t find me to do me in (it would have been financially beneficial for my P-son who is in prison) they turned on my mother for money and control of her funds (substantial)

I had long ago decided that there was nothing I could do to help my son SEE what was going on. Thank God that they had no children together! Apparently she had abused him verbally, mentally, physically and fina ciallyt the entire time they were married but he played his cards close to his chest, and didn’t share that information with the rest of the family. I knew he was depressed, but I thought the depression itself was causing the sadness in him, now that she is out of his life and he has started healing, he is back to the way he was before he ever met the witch, but BETTER because now he KNOWS what a psychopath is. We have gone NC with my P-son in prison, NC with the DIL and NC with my mother who enabled them, knowing they were abusing me and my son C. So we are living P-free.

It was a DIFFICULT 8 years to know my son was unhappy, miserable, in financial trouble, etc etc. but backing off was the best thing I ever did. Your DIL may very well implode and/or find anoather better “sugar daddy” and when she does chances are that she will not want a kid around to dampen her fun, so maybe she will skip out and leave your son and the child. There IS HOPE. My best suggestion is to just assure your son that you love him at EVERY opportunity, and that your door is open at all times “UN”CONDITIONALLY (that does not mean him coming home to live as a mooch though, but if he needs to come home for a short time to get his finances together that would be a different point in my opinion) and that you LOVE HIM no matter what.

Spend as much time as you can with the grandchild in a positive way, don’t argue with, or in any way confront the witch, it will only “stir the chit” and make her more determined to “get even” with you for imagined disrespect of her. Bite a big hole in your tongue. I have several scars on mine but they were worth it! LOL

Hang in there and don’t give up on your son. Knowledge=power, so gain all the knowledge you can so you can help him when the “chit does hit the fan” with the DIL, and I bet my boots it eventually will. (((((hugs)))) and prayers for you and your family.


BloggerT7165 says:
“Coleman appeared on the cover of TIME magazine on May 8th 1992 and also appeared on Larry King, ABC, Jerry Falwell, etc. This documentary shows so well a true psychopath. The video interviews of him and his supporters along with his diaries BEFORE he was proven guilty by DNA are a great touch.”

After reading your post I went into a coupla articles and read about the guy, including one that outlined the prosecution evidence, then the defense evidence. I can see how there could have been enough reasonable doubt to work with to get people in his corner, but just looking at the evidence they did have, I would have voted guilty too (just based on what I read, I mean). So, I’m very interested in what the video shows, particularly interviews with the guy. But what I found interesting is how so many people went to bat for this guy when so many people are on death row and don’t generate thie type of publicity this guy had, so I am interested in how all that came about and his role in it. When I read that MOTHER THERESA phoned the Governor on his behalf, I thought, yep, I gotta order this DVD. BTW, on the DVD, is there any sort of psychological profiling done of the guy? Thanks for recommending it.


On the DVD they show excerpts from his diary, including where he says in it that he has to remake himself inorder to obtain his freedom. Everything he did, right down to writing in his “diary” was to benefit himself and to con others into trying to get him free.

They show numerous videos of him, one is where he started a “program” to help kids stay out of prison. They video taped him and showed it to kids in high schools. Sadly the one victims daughter had to sit in class and watch the man who raped and killed her mother do this video and become pen pals with some of the kids at her school.

They do show some professionals, including a psychologist, who talk about him being a psychopath and his behaviors. They also show one of his victims and she talks about the whole ordeal over the years as well as the woman Coleman met in while he was in prison and how even after the DNA proved what he did she states it does not matter.

The whole video is informational in seeing how these guys can act/appear to be such a “good” guy and how well they can con people. I have seen this happen quite a few times over the years and is one of the reasons I stopped working in the correctional settings.



The lengths the S’s will go to to put on a perfect mask to societey is incredible. They must have the reflection of adoration, or in Coleman’s case, innocence. They are pathological liars, convincing con men, manipulators, and extremely conniving. This is a powerful combination. They spend their lives perfecting their art.

“Normal” feeling people cannot initially comprehend the atrocities that can be committed nor “get” why someone would be so disordered. It is about power, control, money and sex. Ultimately they want it all, and everything revolves around them. They are immature. Selfish. Sociopaths are all-wanting, never satisfied, promiscious, noncaring and easily bored aliens (difficult to call them human).

Unable to love, with no conscience, no guilt, and no remorse, some sociopaths will resort to anything…including murder…to enhance their personal situation, livelihood, material or social standing. Eliminating someone would feel no worse than squishing a spider. Then they are so calm, cool and collected (except the occasional angry outbursts which are often hidden) that they even pass lie detector tests! Amazing.

Behaviors which are abhorrant to “normal” people are insignificant to sociopaths. They glory in their dominance over their victims. They enjoy their power and believe they “win” with ever-increasing power, possesions, or sexual dominance. They demean, isolate, and verbally crucify their victims and then say their victims are crazy (the smear campaign).

Renee71, you don’t yet get it because you are a normal, healthy person. But you will. It is empowering to comprehend that everyone is not like you. As you read and learn here at Lovefraud Land, and hear everyone’s powerful story, there is an awakening that occurs. It takes time, but questioning and wondering “why?” is the first step on the road to health and wellness.

Happy Healing!


How about this?

Paradox -(its) a Human/person/m/f/family member ok?

Nature/Nurture ? Good / evil ?

We all share this species Homoerectus ! follow? Now if
its all Nature/genetic = evolution of mind or defect ?

If it is all Nurture , Then deep in there , perhaps unretrivable is a soul

Now Combinations of both ? Degrees of PSY?SOC

Love Jere


A friend of mine (who works with a Naturopathic physician) has mentioned that the amount of heavy metals in a person affects their aggressive tendencies. I’ve never heard of this but it is an interesting theory. Aggression, these days, generally relates (in my mind) to sociopathy.


Peggy, What really always got me was that the P would be aggressive sometimes when you’d least expect it, like over very minor things. But then on major things where you would expect someone to be upset or angry, it didn’t seem to faze him–just no reaction at all.


My (it) was so bad its own Mother had (it) arrested


There is an artical here that states Animals can’t be Evil ! I don’t know that I would totaly agree. Look at our closest relative the Chimpanze. I would’nt be the least surprised to find this occurring in their populations as they are associates in large groups,but I don’t think I have ever seen this related to PSY/SOC peace jere



I for one would love to see this DVD on Coleman. Can you give me the title and any other information so that I may try to rent it?


Oh Sorry BloggerT

Got all the informations from your link. But thanks anyway! Will try to rent this DVD wish me luck!


Luck on renting it or possibly finding it in a library somewhere.



Paste a link to your Myspace…I’d like to add you.



I had the same experience. An “episode” out of the blue. Sometimes couldn’t even figure out what started it. I mean, not even the “why” but rather, “what the hell????” (puzzled look).

I have come to believe that random outbursts are because, in their desire to be in control, you have to be out of control, or in other words, off balance. Life becomes unpredictable. You are always on guard, never knowing whether a verbal, emotional, or physical onslaught is coming. It makes one submissive to the S (abuser) and try to please them (which is impossible).

I equate a relationship to a Sociopath to this: Say we are all accustomed to walking/running on the earth. We expect the ground to always be beneath our feet, we are accustomed to it. Then one day we either experience an earthquake or the tectonic plates of the earth beneath us suddenly begin to shift unexpectedly…nothing is stable like it used to be…the earth is moving (as emotionally there has been a huge shift in our world view and life is unpredictable, not constant like it used to be).

Metaphorically speaking, this is, I believe, the same state of consciousness the victim experiences…AlohaTraveler would refer to it as a paradigm shift. Everything you have “known” to be true isn’t any longer. There are all new rules. And each time you become accustomed to the rules and learn how to play the game, there are new rules. Everything you have believed about love, relationships, and people is out the window. The things you KNEW to be true…are no longer. And consequently the victim is always off balance, always wrong, always playing yesterday’s game.

It is extremely shocking to one’s system to either 1) never be right or 2) find there is nothing consistent or constant in your world…the ground upon which you walk even constantly shifts.

It has been over a year, and I now “get it”. As I read people stories I feel like “oh yeah, and then this will happen” or if I meet a victim I’ll ask, “did he also do this?” There is now a huge percentage of predictability within the range of sociopathic behavior I can readily identify. It is certainly a learning process.


totally peggy! Planning your life with a S/N is shaky ground to be planning on. It’s not like you see the shake coming either. It’s like an earthquake that comes out of nowhere on a fine sunny day. And when it’s over, you are left to clean up the mess.

Luckily some of us find people who help. I had friends, family and this website that literally came to my rescue. I think about what it was like. I needed Dr Leedoms advice back then to function. She wrote a blog during that time. She told us to just get up. Do one thing that day. I was so distraught, I needed instruction on what I was supposed to do. So I got up. I took a shower and I payed my bills. It all sounds so simple. But not so during the quake.

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