I do my best to read all of the comments on lovefraud.com because I think they are a good barometer as to what people are thinking and questioning. One recent theme/question has been the issue of the realm of jerkdom. Just what is a jerk?
Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary defines a jerk as an annoyingly stupid or foolish person b: an unlikable person ; especially one who is cruel, rude, or small-minded. But how would a psychologist approach answering this question?
Psychologists studying personality tend to fall into two categories, with members of the first category being far more numerous. The first category of psychologists is composed of trait psychologists. A trait psychologist is someone who studies personality by looking at traits. Traits are words, primarily adjectives that are used to describe people.
The dictionary says jerks are foolish, unlikeable, rude, cruel and small minded. We might take the process further and ask everyone reading this to list adjectives describing jerks. We would then find jerks and make our own determination as to whether or not the adjectives describe them.
This trait approach is similar to that used to identify sociopaths and narcissists. This process allows us to put people in a category. So with this approach, we could find traits that differentiate between jerks, narcissists an sociopaths. Most of us think of traits when we think about people and personality.
There is another way to look at people and personality that considers motives rather than traits. Although the fundamental motives of love, power and achievement exist in all people there are individual differences in the degree to which these motives rule a person.
A motive psychologist might say that a jerk is someone with too little love motivation and too much power motivation. But then that also describes a sociopath and a narcissist. Aren’t motives after all more basic than traits? If you are interacting with someone, aren’t you most interested in understanding that person’s motives as opposed to observing their traits?
Consider the following letter we received this week:
There are certain things about my daughter-in-law that I just don’t understand. I am not a psychologist so I don’t know for fact what is wrong with her.
She and my son had a rocky relationship before marriage. She was pulling him away from his best friend but was herself going to spend time with the guy after she dropped my son off at work. She played them off of each other until they just went their separate ways. It was always his best friends fault.
This is what truly hurts me….. after she married my son they lived with my husband and I. We worked long hours and came home to a mess. She and my son neither one worked but expected us to clean up after her. She would cook and I was to play maid. When this didn’t go over she belittled me. She asked to talk to me privately. There wasn’t one thing about me she liked. She told me that she was tired of fighting for my sons attention. They moved out to my relief. I took what she said to heart and didn’t contact my son for anything. I left it to him to contact me if he needed me. This hurt him even though I explained I didn’t want to come in between them.
They had a beautiful daughter and she uses her against us at every turn. We have gotten used to it and don’t let her get satisfaction from it any more. She has planted pills on the floor of my mother-in-law’s home to make it look like her home isn’t safe. She has done that scam twice. She has told my other daughter-in-law that she is only with my son because he puts up with things other men wouldn’t. She has admitted to sleeping with other men but made it out to my son that she was made to share a blanket. I am truly worried for my son and his daughter. She is such a good liar. Oh by the way she makes it out as if she is the only person capable of watching my granddaughter. At my grandma’s funeral she became angry with my son for not catching the baby before she put chalk in her mouth. but then she didn’t catch her stick a holly berry in her mouth and that was ok. She was too busy flirting with my son’s cousin who btw is working on his masters”¦
Am I a paranoid mother and grandmother that just needs to continue watching people she loves be hurt? Or is there maybe something to this behavior?
What do you think?
Jen2008
IMO a jerk may screw around sometimes or drink too much at times and say hurtful things sometimes etc., but there is not the cold planning and calculation behind their motives it that you find with a sociopath. This person in the article, IMO as a laypersonl, sounds more like a sociopath. Take the planting the pills, not once but twice, for example. This took cold planning and deliberateness with an intended outcome, not to mention total disregard for the fact that any child or pet could happen upon the pills and suffer great harm, but the person simply didn’t care as long as she got her intended outcome. Plus the behavior she is dishing out and her calculated manner and selfishness is not limited to just her spouse or a particular situation, she is pretty much spreading it around to everybody.
Indigoblue
Jen did or do you back trac and read the blogs?
earlyer I was spilling my story And my (it) I never once thought he was cognicent of what he was doing except in the end with his rap music !
kerisee04
IMO, the difference between jerks, narcissists and sociopaths are that jerks are jerky all the time. They don’t pretend to NOT be jerks. They don’t try to fool people. You can see one a mile away.
Narcissists I don’t have much experience with, but they have terrible relationships, whereas a jerk would put up with someone who is also a jerk. Narcissists need to be the only jerk in the relationship.
Sociopaths are a whole different ball of wax. The chick in the letter sounds like one to me, because she hides her true colors and makes excuses when caught. Blames others for her mess-ups or just plain hides them. Like Jen said, they are calculating and try to get their plan to work out. They seek out those who are naive and pliable.
Just my uneducated guess.
Most lawyers are jerks. By the way, if you ever need a lawyer, find one you DON’T like. They usually work the best. Our mistake was finding a soft-hearted one and she ruined our case against our sociopath. Now the children have to live with her half the time for the rest of their childhood. BEWARE!!!
Jen2008
Indigo, Yes, I follow the posts. Although I think socios do also do things just impulsively sometimes or without forethought (planning out) that can harm you, so can alot of other people who are not socios.
In Dr. Leedom’s example, when I looked at the whole of the womans actions, although some of them could be explained by being a jerk, or a narcissist, all of it taken together just looks more like sociopath to me. Like Kerisee said, she is playing the blame game for everything for starters.
But not only that, she seems to me to be very calculating. She deliberately set about the break up her man’s relationship with his friend, playing them against each other. She expected free room and board from her in-laws, giving very little in return. She made it all the M-I-L’s fault, belittling her, and also set about breaking up the Mother’s relationship with the son. She uses her daughter as a “tool” to manipulate with and to reward and punish. She portrays herself as a good, caring Mother (so she can use her daughter as a tool), yet look how fast she forgot her daughter’s welfare as soon as something else caught her attention that she was interested in.
She cares little for her husband and is just using him, by her own admission, because she needs or wants a husband for whatever reason, staying only because he puts up with her and tolerates her–meaning she can be with him and still do whatever she wants, like sleep with other men. And not only that, she doesn’t seem to see what the problem would be with that since she is telling other people that is what she is doing. Then she lies about the sleeping around and makes lame excuses to justify. The sleeping around and attention seeking and thinking she is the only one who can watch her daughter could be narcissism.
But when I look at ALL the behavior and manipulation and calculating, PLUS add in her cold disregard for possibly seriously harming someone by planting pills—-it just says sociopathy to me.
holywatersalt
Everyday jerks have all sorts of motivations- low-self esteem, greed, meaness and sometimes they are just plain socially inept.
Psycho are power hungry. Looking at motives can help understand someone’s nature. It helped me discern what my psycho was up too.
http://holywatersalt.blogspot.com/
James
I had to agree with kerisee04 comment that Jerks are like that all the time and in fact know they are Jerks and refuse to change. Ever hear this statement from a “jerk”. “You can’t change me and no one can!” “The world will never change me because I like who I am” and so on. So in fact they know they are jerks but feel no reason to change it. But people who suffer from a Personality Disorder do change almost in lighting speed. Becoming more like the next victim i.e. relationship. They (PD) aren’t fix by any type of core personality. How many times we hear how chameleon they can be. In fact I believe they will be “sweet as pie” one day and a jerk the next. How very changeable they are! But not so with a Jerk. “So I am a Jerk, well that is your problem not mine!” Jerk can seen almost conceited about the whole subject. Not so with PD’s. Also Jerks show their true colors from beginning to end. Not so with PD’s. We never really know who they are from beginning to end. The only thing I see that they share (Jerk vs. PD) is the unwariness to change. But I bet my top dollar a Jerk can stop being one much easier then a PD can stop manipulating lying and deceiving others for Narcissist supply or whatever they can get out of someone.
James
Jen2008
Yes I agree insomuch that yes she is a “jerk” but compare to the real core problems in her life and those that should be the closest and dearest to her are nothing more then “objects” that she will use and use to get whatever she wants at that time. Yes she is a jerk but compare that to her personality (or lack of it) that is the real problem which is “long lasting and fixed”. I just hope the husband will someday wake up from her “spell” then become the spellbreakers and get out from this relationship. He owns this to his daughter and the family that loves him this much as well as himself. I hope he will someday.
James
Jen2008
I not debating anything you wrote on your blog in fact I agree with it’s entirely. Just read my last blog and it didn’t look right. Anyway I am still sick with this head cold so my words might be confusing somewhat. Anyway Yes I agree she is a P. To many “red flags” there not to see it.
James 🙁
Unwilling Raconteur
I think that people who are “jerks” are quite different than sociopaths. For one, typically, all the jerks I’ve known have been reformed. Something has happened that has landed them smack on their butts, and that knocks the wind out of them. They grow compassion … and a soul. I’ve met many a former jerk that I didn’t even recognize because they’d turned into such super people by way of life experience.
I don’t believe this is so with the sociopath. My ex-S has had many butt-landing moments, but he has not been humbled by them, nor has he learned anything about what it means to be compassionate and empathetic. Also, I would have never pegged him as a jerk at first … he actually came across as a shy guy, a nice ordinary guy, a regular Joe. When people told me, “Uh … he’s an a-hole,” NO WAY would I believe them. I thought that they *had* to have something in for him. When I saw his true colors, I began to understand that this “faux humility” was something that he wore like an attractive wardrobe to suck me into his game.
Wini
Dear holywatersalt: I read your blog … and found it interesting what you said about ET.
Think about what I am about to suggest …what if it takes one to know one and his theory of quieting one’s mind to be able to obtain that humble place again could only be explained by someone such as himself.
No one explained Narcissism better to me than Lowen and he’s a self proclaimed “N”.
Peace.