I do my best to read all of the comments on lovefraud.com because I think they are a good barometer as to what people are thinking and questioning. One recent theme/question has been the issue of the realm of jerkdom. Just what is a jerk?
Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary defines a jerk as an annoyingly stupid or foolish person b: an unlikable person ; especially one who is cruel, rude, or small-minded. But how would a psychologist approach answering this question?
Psychologists studying personality tend to fall into two categories, with members of the first category being far more numerous. The first category of psychologists is composed of trait psychologists. A trait psychologist is someone who studies personality by looking at traits. Traits are words, primarily adjectives that are used to describe people.
The dictionary says jerks are foolish, unlikeable, rude, cruel and small minded. We might take the process further and ask everyone reading this to list adjectives describing jerks. We would then find jerks and make our own determination as to whether or not the adjectives describe them.
This trait approach is similar to that used to identify sociopaths and narcissists. This process allows us to put people in a category. So with this approach, we could find traits that differentiate between jerks, narcissists an sociopaths. Most of us think of traits when we think about people and personality.
There is another way to look at people and personality that considers motives rather than traits. Although the fundamental motives of love, power and achievement exist in all people there are individual differences in the degree to which these motives rule a person.
A motive psychologist might say that a jerk is someone with too little love motivation and too much power motivation. But then that also describes a sociopath and a narcissist. Aren’t motives after all more basic than traits? If you are interacting with someone, aren’t you most interested in understanding that person’s motives as opposed to observing their traits?
Consider the following letter we received this week:
There are certain things about my daughter-in-law that I just don’t understand. I am not a psychologist so I don’t know for fact what is wrong with her.
She and my son had a rocky relationship before marriage. She was pulling him away from his best friend but was herself going to spend time with the guy after she dropped my son off at work. She played them off of each other until they just went their separate ways. It was always his best friends fault.
This is what truly hurts me….. after she married my son they lived with my husband and I. We worked long hours and came home to a mess. She and my son neither one worked but expected us to clean up after her. She would cook and I was to play maid. When this didn’t go over she belittled me. She asked to talk to me privately. There wasn’t one thing about me she liked. She told me that she was tired of fighting for my sons attention. They moved out to my relief. I took what she said to heart and didn’t contact my son for anything. I left it to him to contact me if he needed me. This hurt him even though I explained I didn’t want to come in between them.
They had a beautiful daughter and she uses her against us at every turn. We have gotten used to it and don’t let her get satisfaction from it any more. She has planted pills on the floor of my mother-in-law’s home to make it look like her home isn’t safe. She has done that scam twice. She has told my other daughter-in-law that she is only with my son because he puts up with things other men wouldn’t. She has admitted to sleeping with other men but made it out to my son that she was made to share a blanket. I am truly worried for my son and his daughter. She is such a good liar. Oh by the way she makes it out as if she is the only person capable of watching my granddaughter. At my grandma’s funeral she became angry with my son for not catching the baby before she put chalk in her mouth. but then she didn’t catch her stick a holly berry in her mouth and that was ok. She was too busy flirting with my son’s cousin who btw is working on his masters”¦
Am I a paranoid mother and grandmother that just needs to continue watching people she loves be hurt? Or is there maybe something to this behavior?
What do you think?
Indigoblue
Wini I love You !
Wini
StarG: If you look at sugar under a microscope, you’ll see the jagged edges… when insects walk threw the sugar, they cut themselves (it’s like razors to them) and bleed to death.
If you have problems with bigger insects, put a bowl of beer down where the problem is. The beer is sweet, they are attracted to it. Drink it, get drunk, and drown.
Peace.
Indigoblue
:)~ GLUG GLUG GLUG What?:)~
DDdrRoOoNnNNDddeeED !
renee71
How big was that bug??? abt 5’3? any way ty everyone who gave encouragement!!! I have listed the books that were suggested and am going to read them. I will document and try to ignore the hurt feelings in front of the DIL. I also have been reading every story on here one at a time and to tell the truth I just want to cry for every one. What they have gone through and triumphed is absolutely amazing!!! I have more reading to do so everyone have a beautiful and fun filled halloween!!!
Elizabeth Conley
“Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary defines a jerk as an annoyingly stupid or foolish person b: an unlikable person ; especially one who is cruel, rude, or small-minded. But how would a psychologist approach answering this question?”
The concept “Not a sociopath, just a jerk” is an interesting one. I’ve found that an important aspect of self care is avoiding people whose “default setting” seems to be contempt.
I’m not a Psychologist, so that’s just the way I define it for myself. Putting words to the idea helps me to think about it more clearly.
Here’s what I mean. Lots of people simply see the worst in everyone and everything, all the time. If the neighbor’s grass goes unmown, he’s a slob. If a married lady is working alone with a male coworker, the two people must be having a lurid illicit affair. If someone says something they didn’t like, then that individual is out to get them. If a child is dirty or ill behaved, it’s a clear sign the parents are negligent. If someone is late, then they are being deliberately inconsiderate, or they’re simply inept, stupid, disorganized, incompetent…
I call it the “default setting”. When you first meet the person, it’s usually extremely subtle. It starts with comments like: “Have you tried feeding little Johnnie breakfast before school?” (Little Johnnie isn’t a morning person, but the questioner doesn’t have any evidence beyond Little Johnnie’s withdrawn morning demeanor to base the oblique charge of child neglect.) The next comment might be: “You know, the local body shop has a few tricks that could do wonders for the paint job on your mini van. (Huh? Little Johnnie’s mom wonders. She runs the van through the car wash once a week, there are no dents or major scratches. Should she be concerned? Is it really an eyesore?)
If the relationship continues, Little Johnnie’s mother’s self esteem will be under constant attack. This person’s “default setting” is contempt. Many people, perhaps even most people, will rub along with this negative person rather well. Her lurid gossip will be spicy, her barbed wit will charm, and her subtle little jabs will bounce right off their tough hides. Not so for me. If I stay around someone with a contemptuous “default setting”, I’ll get hurt. Her negative remarks will whittle away at my carefully constructed positive outlook.
I don’t think a contemptuous “default setting” makes for a sociopath. I do think these people are better described as jerks. The things they say and do aren’t kind.
If I hadn’t learned to look for those early markers in of a contemptuous “default setting” in initial conversations, I’d still be stumbling into miserable relationships with this personality type. Now I rub along well enough with them as long as there are lots of people around to provide a buffer zone. The contemptuous “default setting” is very common in church, civic leagues and other situations where folks can be as nasty as they want to be, as long as they’re nice about it. They are jerks, but to be fair, if I wasn’t sensitive, it wouldn’t matter.
Indigoblue
WARNING READ AT YOUR OWN RISK OF UNDERSTANDING!
Recipe
3
INGREDENTS
LIFE
SPIRTITUAL , PHYSICAL , MENTAL
LIFE HAPPYNESS LIBERTY
REWARDS
TREASURE
We Have Literally Given up these things in HOPE of Retrieving a Soul a person from certain DEATH ! At our own risk of loseing all of these Ingredient ! Our Reward ! We have Built/stored our treasure in heaven not in this world ! We have only done and are doing What God asked of us !
LOVE jere
Indigoblue
news Flash Science has proved statisticaly beyond a shadow of a doubt that we don’t exist ! :)~
Indigoblue
Eliz
My ANGEL MY dearest Love My everything My morning Star the Moon In my Night sky the blood of my soul ! The light in my eyes!
do you have any Credit cards????? :)~ LOVE jere
Stargazer
Interesting post, Elizabeth. I have known some of these annoying people you speak of. They are often passive aggressive and love to deliver the “compliment with an insult” as I call it. I agree with you, that while this may be abusive, it is not sociopathic. The underpinning of the sociopathic personality is deceit and dishonesty. When you see a pattern of pathological lying, you should start wondering if that person’s a sociopath. My sociopath was the kindest, sweetest person in the world. He never made a nasty, critical remark about me. He always complimented me and treated me like a queen when we were together. But the lying a deceit he perpetrated toward me were much more horrible.
renee71
Good morning everyone!!!! Its a beautiful but chilly day and I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend so far. Glad I found you all. Your a wonderful group of people with very good advice. Havent seen the DIL and things seem to be going very well. I have been calling my sons phone and leaving messages that I love him. He hasnt called back but I think hes working. Today is a good day hope it stays that way. I am fortunate….I have a supportive husband & he always says something good when I feel negative. To be honest I think the DIL is just a jerk. Not enough experience on my end to know for sure. If she calls the house she now asks for my husband. Suits me great but I do pitty him a bit. I have faith he can handle her.