I do my best to read all of the comments on lovefraud.com because I think they are a good barometer as to what people are thinking and questioning. One recent theme/question has been the issue of the realm of jerkdom. Just what is a jerk?
Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary defines a jerk as an annoyingly stupid or foolish person b: an unlikable person ; especially one who is cruel, rude, or small-minded. But how would a psychologist approach answering this question?
Psychologists studying personality tend to fall into two categories, with members of the first category being far more numerous. The first category of psychologists is composed of trait psychologists. A trait psychologist is someone who studies personality by looking at traits. Traits are words, primarily adjectives that are used to describe people.
The dictionary says jerks are foolish, unlikeable, rude, cruel and small minded. We might take the process further and ask everyone reading this to list adjectives describing jerks. We would then find jerks and make our own determination as to whether or not the adjectives describe them.
This trait approach is similar to that used to identify sociopaths and narcissists. This process allows us to put people in a category. So with this approach, we could find traits that differentiate between jerks, narcissists an sociopaths. Most of us think of traits when we think about people and personality.
There is another way to look at people and personality that considers motives rather than traits. Although the fundamental motives of love, power and achievement exist in all people there are individual differences in the degree to which these motives rule a person.
A motive psychologist might say that a jerk is someone with too little love motivation and too much power motivation. But then that also describes a sociopath and a narcissist. Aren’t motives after all more basic than traits? If you are interacting with someone, aren’t you most interested in understanding that person’s motives as opposed to observing their traits?
Consider the following letter we received this week:
There are certain things about my daughter-in-law that I just don’t understand. I am not a psychologist so I don’t know for fact what is wrong with her.
She and my son had a rocky relationship before marriage. She was pulling him away from his best friend but was herself going to spend time with the guy after she dropped my son off at work. She played them off of each other until they just went their separate ways. It was always his best friends fault.
This is what truly hurts me….. after she married my son they lived with my husband and I. We worked long hours and came home to a mess. She and my son neither one worked but expected us to clean up after her. She would cook and I was to play maid. When this didn’t go over she belittled me. She asked to talk to me privately. There wasn’t one thing about me she liked. She told me that she was tired of fighting for my sons attention. They moved out to my relief. I took what she said to heart and didn’t contact my son for anything. I left it to him to contact me if he needed me. This hurt him even though I explained I didn’t want to come in between them.
They had a beautiful daughter and she uses her against us at every turn. We have gotten used to it and don’t let her get satisfaction from it any more. She has planted pills on the floor of my mother-in-law’s home to make it look like her home isn’t safe. She has done that scam twice. She has told my other daughter-in-law that she is only with my son because he puts up with things other men wouldn’t. She has admitted to sleeping with other men but made it out to my son that she was made to share a blanket. I am truly worried for my son and his daughter. She is such a good liar. Oh by the way she makes it out as if she is the only person capable of watching my granddaughter. At my grandma’s funeral she became angry with my son for not catching the baby before she put chalk in her mouth. but then she didn’t catch her stick a holly berry in her mouth and that was ok. She was too busy flirting with my son’s cousin who btw is working on his masters”¦
Am I a paranoid mother and grandmother that just needs to continue watching people she loves be hurt? Or is there maybe something to this behavior?
What do you think?
If you want to see one of the BEST documentaries about a psychopath and how he conned sooooo many people while he was on death row youu need to order and watch the movie linked below.
http://shop.history.com/detail.php?a=77408
Coleman appeared on the cover of TIME magazine on May 8th 1992 and also appeared on Larry King, ABC, Jerry Falwell, etc. This documentary shows so well a true psychopath. The video interviews of him and his supporters along with his diaries BEFORE he was proven guilty by DNA are a great touch. Here is what the description of the video says:
In May 1992, Roger Keith Coleman was executed by the state of Virginia for the rape and murder of his sister-in-law, Wanda McCoy. While on death row, Coleman devised a plan to convince the world that he was innocent. But a polygraph test and DNA testing eventually proved his guilt. His claims of innocence attracted unprecedented coverage, including numerous network documentaries and even the cover of TIME magazine.
For 14 years after his execution, Coleman’s supporters battled to exonerate his name, and deliver a severe blow to the death penalty. Finally, in January 2006, the governor of Virginia ordered DNA testing. It would be the first time in U.S. history that a test would be applied to samples taken from a man already put to death by the state. The result confirmed, to a certainty of one in 19 million, that Coleman was guilty.
DECEIVING INNOCENCE: THE ROGER COLEMAN STORY explores the depths of his deception, and how he managed to fool so many for so long. Coleman’s past is uncovered and in it is revealed a side of his character his supporters overlooked in their haste to project Coleman as an innocent victim.
Also detailed is Coleman’s campaign to reinvent his character once he arrived on death row. Drawing from his prison diary – made available for the first time – his various efforts to convince his supporters that he was the victim of a monumental injustice are examined. Coleman’s case was infused with drama until the very end, when on the morning of his execution, he was subjected to a polygraph test, a test he failed. In his first interview, the polygrapher describes the session in this documentary, and provides an audio tape of the examination.
Finally, filmmakers are present as Jim McCloskey, Coleman’s principal advocate, awaits the call from a Canadian laboratory with the DNA results and is told that he has wasted almost 20 years of his life trying to prove Coleman’s innocence.
FYI – I am willing to donate my video to LF (I purchased it) so anyone who can not obtain it could borrow it, watch it, and pass it along to the next person or back to LF.
the more I read of this subject the more I seem to misunderstand. I dont understand how people can hurt others to make themselves feel better. Or glorify themselves. what ever it is
Trying to figure out what it is like to be an unempathetic person who doesn’t have the ability to love, is like trying to figure out what it is like to be an ant or a fox. They are different and they have different wiring. The best way to describe it is that they don’t have the ability to love. Normal people have complex emotions when it comes to interpersonal relationships, and we spend a lot of time thinking about our relationships. Imagine not having that. Sociopaths are bored a lot. To get the thrill that we get from love, they have to get it through power. To them nothing is more thrilling or powerful then to destroy someones life.
DEar Renee,
My X-DIL had a son in a wheel chiar and an out of control teenager daughter and she needed a “meal ticket” she found my son on the internet and BINGO she got him hooked into pity/love for her. They were together almost 8 years and the entire time she alienated him from the family,, even though they lived very close to us physically.
She ruined his credit by “managing the money” and it was all money that came in from my son’s work, she didn’t work or contribute at all and the money her son got (a few hundred a month) was his “play money” and not to be spent on things like electric or water bills which piled up and up and up.
Last summer she was having an affair with a psychopath and my son caught her (the psychopath was pretending to be a family friend though he came into our family like a Trojan HOrse with the intent to kill me) anyway, when my son C found out about the affair, he offered to go to counseling with her and work it out etc etc. She PRETENDED to want that too, then while he was off guard she bought herself and her BF guns with the intention of killing my son and making it look like “self defense” she knew her BF was an ex convict and that it was a felony for him to have a gun so she cooked up a “story” that was easily seen through, and than GOD that my son was able to get through to 911 before they killed him.
She and her BF went to jail where she stayed for 8 months and was released on 5 yrs probation, and he went to prison for 3 yrs. (her son had died in the meantime) she also stole $24,000 from my mom, most of which was recovered.
Believe me she and the Trojan HOrse psychopath were working our family hard. When they couldn’t find me to do me in (it would have been financially beneficial for my P-son who is in prison) they turned on my mother for money and control of her funds (substantial)
I had long ago decided that there was nothing I could do to help my son SEE what was going on. Thank God that they had no children together! Apparently she had abused him verbally, mentally, physically and fina ciallyt the entire time they were married but he played his cards close to his chest, and didn’t share that information with the rest of the family. I knew he was depressed, but I thought the depression itself was causing the sadness in him, now that she is out of his life and he has started healing, he is back to the way he was before he ever met the witch, but BETTER because now he KNOWS what a psychopath is. We have gone NC with my P-son in prison, NC with the DIL and NC with my mother who enabled them, knowing they were abusing me and my son C. So we are living P-free.
It was a DIFFICULT 8 years to know my son was unhappy, miserable, in financial trouble, etc etc. but backing off was the best thing I ever did. Your DIL may very well implode and/or find anoather better “sugar daddy” and when she does chances are that she will not want a kid around to dampen her fun, so maybe she will skip out and leave your son and the child. There IS HOPE. My best suggestion is to just assure your son that you love him at EVERY opportunity, and that your door is open at all times “UN”CONDITIONALLY (that does not mean him coming home to live as a mooch though, but if he needs to come home for a short time to get his finances together that would be a different point in my opinion) and that you LOVE HIM no matter what.
Spend as much time as you can with the grandchild in a positive way, don’t argue with, or in any way confront the witch, it will only “stir the chit” and make her more determined to “get even” with you for imagined disrespect of her. Bite a big hole in your tongue. I have several scars on mine but they were worth it! LOL
Hang in there and don’t give up on your son. Knowledge=power, so gain all the knowledge you can so you can help him when the “chit does hit the fan” with the DIL, and I bet my boots it eventually will. (((((hugs)))) and prayers for you and your family.
BloggerT7165 says:
“Coleman appeared on the cover of TIME magazine on May 8th 1992 and also appeared on Larry King, ABC, Jerry Falwell, etc. This documentary shows so well a true psychopath. The video interviews of him and his supporters along with his diaries BEFORE he was proven guilty by DNA are a great touch.”
After reading your post I went into a coupla articles and read about the guy, including one that outlined the prosecution evidence, then the defense evidence. I can see how there could have been enough reasonable doubt to work with to get people in his corner, but just looking at the evidence they did have, I would have voted guilty too (just based on what I read, I mean). So, I’m very interested in what the video shows, particularly interviews with the guy. But what I found interesting is how so many people went to bat for this guy when so many people are on death row and don’t generate thie type of publicity this guy had, so I am interested in how all that came about and his role in it. When I read that MOTHER THERESA phoned the Governor on his behalf, I thought, yep, I gotta order this DVD. BTW, on the DVD, is there any sort of psychological profiling done of the guy? Thanks for recommending it.
On the DVD they show excerpts from his diary, including where he says in it that he has to remake himself inorder to obtain his freedom. Everything he did, right down to writing in his “diary” was to benefit himself and to con others into trying to get him free.
They show numerous videos of him, one is where he started a “program” to help kids stay out of prison. They video taped him and showed it to kids in high schools. Sadly the one victims daughter had to sit in class and watch the man who raped and killed her mother do this video and become pen pals with some of the kids at her school.
They do show some professionals, including a psychologist, who talk about him being a psychopath and his behaviors. They also show one of his victims and she talks about the whole ordeal over the years as well as the woman Coleman met in while he was in prison and how even after the DNA proved what he did she states it does not matter.
The whole video is informational in seeing how these guys can act/appear to be such a “good” guy and how well they can con people. I have seen this happen quite a few times over the years and is one of the reasons I stopped working in the correctional settings.
renee71:
The lengths the S’s will go to to put on a perfect mask to societey is incredible. They must have the reflection of adoration, or in Coleman’s case, innocence. They are pathological liars, convincing con men, manipulators, and extremely conniving. This is a powerful combination. They spend their lives perfecting their art.
“Normal” feeling people cannot initially comprehend the atrocities that can be committed nor “get” why someone would be so disordered. It is about power, control, money and sex. Ultimately they want it all, and everything revolves around them. They are immature. Selfish. Sociopaths are all-wanting, never satisfied, promiscious, noncaring and easily bored aliens (difficult to call them human).
Unable to love, with no conscience, no guilt, and no remorse, some sociopaths will resort to anything…including murder…to enhance their personal situation, livelihood, material or social standing. Eliminating someone would feel no worse than squishing a spider. Then they are so calm, cool and collected (except the occasional angry outbursts which are often hidden) that they even pass lie detector tests! Amazing.
Behaviors which are abhorrant to “normal” people are insignificant to sociopaths. They glory in their dominance over their victims. They enjoy their power and believe they “win” with ever-increasing power, possesions, or sexual dominance. They demean, isolate, and verbally crucify their victims and then say their victims are crazy (the smear campaign).
Renee71, you don’t yet get it because you are a normal, healthy person. But you will. It is empowering to comprehend that everyone is not like you. As you read and learn here at Lovefraud Land, and hear everyone’s powerful story, there is an awakening that occurs. It takes time, but questioning and wondering “why?” is the first step on the road to health and wellness.
Happy Healing!
Peggywhoever
How about this?
Paradox -(its) a Human/person/m/f/family member ok?
Nature/Nurture ? Good / evil ?
We all share this species Homoerectus ! follow? Now if
its all Nature/genetic = evolution of mind or defect ?
If it is all Nurture , Then deep in there , perhaps unretrivable is a soul
Now Combinations of both ? Degrees of PSY?SOC
Love Jere