Editor’s note: The following article was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Adelade.” She previously wrote “12 steps of recovery from love fraud.”
I very much enjoy reading, especially those fictitious works that cause me to think and learn. Without a doubt, nearly everyone has seen the movie, Jurassic Park, based upon a book that was written by Michael Crichton over 20 years ago. Well, I re-read the book over the long Memorial Day weekend. It is far, far different from the movie, and drives home the ramifications of the human myth of “control.” If you haven’t read the book, I would urge you to do so, simply because it speaks to a part of the human condition that is inherent in each of us: the need for control.
In reading Jurassic Park, the character of Dr. Ian Malcolm is a naysayer with regard to the Park’s subject matter, from the first page. Malcolm espouses “Chaos Theory” and seems beyond arrogant. As the story unfolds, the reader eventually rejects the perception that Malcolm is just an arrogant ass and realizes that he’s just speaking truthfully.
Well, that’s all very interesting (yawn) and zippety-doo-dah, what does any of that have to do with surviving sociopathy? Okay ”¦ hang with me for a second. Where I am concerned, many of the discussions in this book caused a personal epiphany.
Knowledge vs. control
Malcolm goes on to discuss how science has only focused upon “control” as the driving forces behind scientific discoveries. If something can be scientifically proven (or, discovered), human beings have been under the false assumption that we will have the ability to control whatever it is, whether it’s nuclear physics or human behavior. Knowledge about something does not signify control over something. This is where the fallacy of science vs. life is exposed, and that simple truth rocked my world.
The arrogance of science is very clear: there are many diseases, disorders, and deformities that cannot be altered even if science can explain what they are or why they occur. Genetic research has been in full swing for nearly 80 years and the one thing that has been proven through generations of hybridization and engineering is that anomalies will randomly occur regardless of how a genome is tweaked. This is an inevitability – when a string of DNA is hybridized or altered, it is impossible to weed out defects and anomalies, even if the geneticist believes that he/she has taken every possible variable into account. Nature has the final say in all things, period.
Sociopaths are what they are
So, once again, what does all of this gibberish and ranting have to do with surviving sociopath entanglements? It means just this: defining sociopathy/psychopathy, pigeonholing assessments, and all of the psych-speak in every human language will not alter the fact that sociopaths simply “are.” Regardless of the label, the acronym, the bell curve, the paradigm, or the nodding of educated heads and “harrumphing” in unison, what is not going to change is the fact that sociopaths are what they are, do what they do, and will always remain a factor of the human condition.
Without a doubt, this is the singular truth with regard to our survival, recovery, and emergence: We don’t really need to understand sociopathy. We don’t need to define whether it’s “nature vs. nurture.” We don’t need to construct parameters for an individual to be stuffed into. No amount of data is going to prevent sociopath and psychopath developments ever. What we “need” is to alter our own choices, behaviors, and perceptions and adapt so that we won’t be easy targets, again. What we “need,” more than anything, is to accept our human limitations with respect to “control,” and adapt.
Plants and animals have adapted to develop numerous strategies with regard to defense, propagation, and survival. Unfortunately (or not), human beings have come to the point in their perceptions that all we need is to “control” everything on earth from cellular mitosis to comet trajectories, and that Science and “The Experts” can accomplish this. And, this just isn’t so. We cannot stop earthquakes, though we can attempt to predict them. We cannot control where/when tornadoes will develop, though we can observe Doppler radar and blare out klaxon warnings if data suggests a threat. We cannot control whether an expensive show-quality heifer will produce a conjoined calf or not, but we can conduct amniocentesis in an attempt to intervene. We cannot control whether a human being is born as (or, develops into) a sociopath or not, but we attempt to construct parameters so as to avoid those who fit the profile.
We can adapt
What we can do is adapt. If our system of beliefs is flawed, we can change them. If our perceptions about human nature are flawed, we can alter them. If we leave ourselves open to repeated targeting and victimization, we can alter those things that make us attractive to sociopaths. We have the capacity to adapt, to heal, to emerge, and to progress. Now, I’m not saying that adaptation is smooth, painless, or instantaneous. Adaptation requires time ”¦ good, long time. Mistakes must be made along the way in order to develop “permanent” personal changes that are beneficial. The work that goes into adaptation is going to be intense, challenging, and demanding.
I’m taking this and I’m running with it as if my backside is on fire. I don’t need anyone in any professional capacity to tell me what I need to understand in the false assumption that “understanding will bring healing.” For me, that assumption is pure rubbish and simply not true. My healing, and the desire to heal, must come from within me, alone. No pill, no suggestion, no philosophy, no data, no acronym, and no religious ritual is going to cause me to adapt sufficiently enough to make myself safer from future victimization. So, I’m going to prioritize my “emotional hybridization,” and begin the long, slow processes of healing and emerging. I’m making the choice to accept this emergence as it is: a necessity of survival, on every level.
While many “victims” of psychopaths are perfectly innocent there is also the FREQUENT situation where two psychopaths (maybe of different levels) hook up and are each trying to con the other…and they of course get into a big FIGHT…and the loser then presents themselves as a victim….in order to suck in a new victim with their pity ploy.
How many times have YOU seen someone you KNEW WAS A PSYCHOPATH PRESENT THEMSELVES AS THE “VICTIM”?
Of course my egg donor does present herself as a victim (I don’t think she is a psychopath but she sure ain’t no victim!) and my P son has always presented himself since puberty as a VICTIM of this unreasonable mom, mean mommy wants him to quit stealing and stuff like that, to go to school, study, and stay out of trouble. DAMN!@....... Poor baby! LOL
I have personally had two women who I later found out were HIGH FLYING PSYCHOPATHS who presented to me as VICTIMS and damned if I didn’t let them hook me into their pity ploy for a little while at least. Fortunately Ii got out of both situations without much in the way of injury and no emotional injury…but you know…Like Robert Hare said, the way you could tell which of the inmates were psychopaths (they all tried to get money from him) were the ones who GOT THE MONEY. LOL I’m getting better at spotting the PSEUDO VICTIMS but they are hard to spot at first…you have to carefully listen to their back story and keep your ears open and watch for red flags….watch for the differences between what they say and what they do. That “Hero” woman in the recent article here who was really a psychopath not a “hero” is a PERFECT EXAMPLE of a really good one. Most are NOT that good.
I finally picked them out of my “current” (or recently past) friends and tossed them, but with new people I just watch and see what happens. I don’t get involved with many new people any more, but do meet a few from time to time, but NO ONE gets my trust until they earn it and it may take a LONG TIME before they are under enough observation for me to see just how they will react.
I watch most for any signs of DISHONESTY…ANY.,,.signs of dishonesty and they are quietly pushed to the edge of my life or completely out of my universe which ever is appropriate given the person and situation. But they will never then get into my circle of intimacy. Dishonesty is a DEAL BREAKER.
Truthspeak, I can certainly relate to your feelingof being stick on that mountainside. Many days, I cannot even find the courage to get out of bed and go to work. No interest in new friendships or new romance.
At least I’m no longer stranded and alone on that mountain as I now have all the wonderful people I’ve met on Lovefraud right there beside me. Helping me climb, ready to catch me if I fall.
I know eventually I need to get out and meet new people, but that will happen when the time is right. And finding this site and all the wonderful people here has given me a big push in that direction.
I’m so thankful to you all.
You’re also brought joy and humor back to my life which I’ve been missing for a long time. All of you here are like angels and best friends to me. God bless you all!
P.s. I’m also here to catch you if you fall, and help you up that mountain any way I can.
Take care y’all. 😉
Grace, I think that those commenters are a combination of spaths and fence sitters who like to join the victim-bashing.
By manipulating the perception that the “weak” deserve what they get, spaths create an environment of callousness.
For example: The “Darwin Award’s” is a website that makes fun of people who died because they did dumb things. Who among us hasn’t laughed? This is how they take us down the slippery slope. I know, I’ve watched my spath plant a harmless little seed in that way. He wants you to show just a tad lack of empathy. Once you’ve done that, he takes you a bit further, never past your comfort zone. Always lowering the bar just a little more.
They are slick. They know just how to introduce these concepts into our minds so that we accept this behavior as “the norm”. Before we know it, we think it’s all good and well that “a fool and his money are soon parted.” After all, a fool would only do foolish things anyway, right?
Sky, I still think the phrase “a fool and his money are soon parted” because people who do foolish things usually spend their money foolishly…my son C is a perfect example…got to have the big toys and no reserve. I ‘ve seen that so much where people live the “high life” but they never have enough reserve to get a flat tire fixed. That IS FOOLISH…buy toys, but never a thought for a rainy day.
Lots of people who are NOT foolish and who do the best they can still end up broke and I don’t fault those people…but you know it is about priorities…. some people are “broke” and can’t feed their kids can still buy cigarettes and beer, or have 175 channels of cable TV. I used to get so mad when people would come in without insurance for their kids, but they had a $50,000 bass boat in their yard. “Couldn’t afford health insurance it was too high” YUK, sorry for the RANT! LOL
Oxy, of course it is C’s responsibility to choose to spend wisely. I’m not saying he isn’t foolish in that way. But think about the temptation that he has to spend it on. Every day we are barraged by advertisements and appeals to have more and do more to be happy.
Voters recently passed a law in our state that was promoted as good because it would “lower taxes, etc…” It did the opposite! We were all fooled –again.
C is a victim of believing that the things he buys will make him happy. Just as I was a victim of believing that giving my spath money would make us both happy. We are both guilty of not taking a better look at what we were promised. It’s so much work though, to constantly second guess every single thing that appeals to us.
Before my eyes were opened, I was guilty of thinking that a woman who stays with a man who beats her, is a fool. All the while I was staying with a man much, much more abusive than a wife beater. Who was the real fool? ME!
Hello, I am writing because I am struggling with what may be the end of a long time relationship with a man I believe to be, if not sociopathic, then definitely narcissistic. It would take much too long to go into everything that happened over the years.. but in summary we worked for the same organization but lived in different cities. It was one of those “instant attractions,” intense and wonderful, and lasted several years.. all the hallmarks of a spath now tha I look back, and then he broke my heart when he took up with another woman.
We were out of touch for a year but then saw each other a few times a year at business meetings. Gradually our relationship morphed into more of a platonic one except when we would see each other at the meetings, then it would flip back to “the way we were.” The sexual chemistry was powerful and we got along really well. It was wonderful and difficult at the same time, but I told myself I could still be his “friend with benefits” and compartmentalized my feelings. Not good, I know, but I did it anyway.
If made a list of the times I felt manipulated or found out he was not telling the truth about something, it would be pretty long. Yet I could never sever the ties completely because I genuinely found him interesting, smart and funny. He was a true “split.” I cared about him despite everything and we really seemed to “get” each other like no one else did.
Months went by and he was in my life nearly every day – mostly email and the occasional long phone conversation. Because he lived a good distance away and I only saw him three or four times a year, the relationship kept going longer than it would have otherwise.
Several times in the last two years I have stopped contact with him for periods of several weeks because something would be said that would remind me of the bad stuff.. then I would start thinking of him with someone else, and I just couldn’t stand it.. so I took a break. We would always resume contact, mostly be his initiation. After so much time I considered him a close friend and when we would see each other the chemistry changed a bit and we did not explore the physical part of the relationship anymore.
Even though I knew it was not the healthiest relationship for me, I couldn’t imagine not having that connection, even though at times my heart still ached for what I thought we could have had, if only..
What is happening now is over the last couple of months he has gradually reduced the amount of contact between us. Around the holidays he had some serious health problems and afterwards was struggling with serious depression. He said he just withdraws from people and can’t handle emotional issues. A month ago he told me that even if I didn’t hear from him, I should call him anytime I wanted to talk and get him out of his funk. Whatever!
We were in touch and he seemed more upbeat than usual and was writing me a lot, but then suddenly he stopped. I haven’t heard from him in nearly two weeks, which is very unusual. I wrote to ask if he had decided he didn’t want to be in touch anymore but received no response. I sent a second email and still no response. Today I left a message on his phone saying that I just wanted to know if he was okay, and he has not responded to that, either.
I have never been the type of person to act needy or be a pest, but suddenly I am feeling kinda desperate and invisible.. and it’s a maddening feeling because I can’t do anything about it. I also feel foolish because he is not really accountable to me in that way. But it feels like emotional abuse or manipulation. He has to know I am hurting over this. I have no way to find out what he is doing or thinking so I am STUCK.
I have read about stonewalling and the silent treatment but this has thrown me for a loop. Okay, so he may have decided he just doesn’t want to be in touch with me anymore, but all I ask is that he TELL me that. After so much time I think that is a fair thing to expect.
How do I get my mind off this, get pas it, and most of all, get my self-esteem back? It’s in the tank.. I hate feeling this way!!
Adelade – BRAVO BRAVO BRAVO – I love what you wrote and completely got it and I agree. (And please correct me if I am wrong in what follows…)
You wrote:
The arrogance of science is very clear: there are many diseases, disorders, and deformities that cannot be altered even if science can explain what they are or why they occur. …..
Nature has the final say in all things, period.
Sociopaths are what they are.
Beautifully put. Several of the comments above appear (to me) to disagree with your statement that we do not need to understand in order to learn to protect ourselves and heal. I agree with you that we do not need to understand – what I think is happening here is that your brilliant commentary is being misunderstood.
Do we need to understand what manipulation is? What the red flags of sociopathic behavior are? Understand what our own triggers for overlooking danger may be (may have been) and as you say ADAPT.
That is STOP allowing ourselves to be harmed by giving potentially dangerous people the benefit of the doubt… IE: If your gut says don’t get on that elevator with that strange man – or you think “he/she is lying” or “that doesn’t make sense” then don’t believe the obvious lie or purposeful crazy making and don’t try to understand it – WALK AWAY FROM IT AND DO NOT GIVE THAT PERSON AN OPPORTUNITY TO DO IT AGAIN* because you like the person.
Do not ignore your instincts. Stop thinking “I’m just being silly” and don’t get on the elevator….Run from “the friend” boyfriend / girlfriend / relative / boss that lies to you or worse tries to get you to lie for them.
We do not need to understand WHY they are like this or how they got this way. It will fix nothing. Why is not a spiritual question and truthfully that kind of “why” IS a waste of time.
It does not matter why the man I thought I loved and gave myself to completely – is as he is. No amount of knowing why will change the nature of that beast. I spent far too much time on “why thinking”. I hoped if I knew why I could somehow CHANGE (control) what is. I could go back and fix the basis of the why.
Some of you may know I am a sober person. I have over 20 years of recovery. I have read posts on this board that clearly demonstrate a lack of understanding of the AA program. It is a wonderful program if applied properly but like anything in life – not everyone understands or applies the tools of that program properly and a lot of confusion ensues. People also attach meaning to things that are different than they are intended- especially on written internet boards.
Some of the learning from AA that has really has made a difference for me –
“Why I am an alcoholic does not matter – what I do about it does.” This applies to every aspect of my life really. It definitely applies to the relationships I have had with N/P & S people. Educational understanding is key – to educate myself on the behaviors that will alert me to future danger. That is the understanding I need.
I do not need to understand them and know them in an effort to fix them or myself.
Too often – early in the shock stages – when we are receiving what appears to be irrational and cruel behavior and we do not yet know what they are we embark on a course of trying to understand why the cruelty and deceit – we want to know why?
I think the important question to ask ourselves is – and to answer this honestly – “Why do we want to know why?”
I believe we want to know why because somehow we hope if we know why (his mommy was mean to him – he just needs to be healed from that) – if we can name it we think we can control it or fix it. And boy do we get played with as a result of that.
All the illusions you point to that science has lead us to believe if we just understand it we can control it. We cannot control it or fix it and it is this pursuit of why that is an utter waste of our time and energy and is as much a heart break to me as anything as it kept me in the relationship longer. I believed him when he blamed me and I wanted to understand why so I could fix it.
Another learning in recovery – to know what I am responsible for and what I am not responsible for. Everything in my skin – my words, actions and feelings are mine. If someone else does not like what I choose or do (as long as it is morally sound and not causing them real physical harm) then their feelings about it are not really my problem. While it is nice to be supported – to be manipulated into giving up yourself is horrible and part of the “understanding” of the N/P/S.
In conversations with difficut people I remind myself as much as I can to make sure and stick to the topic. They love to drag you into tangents and distractions and attack you when it has nothing to do with the issue at hand and gets you off balance.
I love this: I don’t need anyone in any professional capacity to tell me what I need to understand in the false assumption that “understanding will bring healing.” For me, that assumption is pure rubbish and simply not true.
I agree. For me healing is found in recovering from drama withdrawals. In enjoying my time alone with a good book – a walk with my dogs in the sun – cooking dinner for people I love. Listening to my children laugh or even argue with each other over small things like a borrowed shirt getting stained.
I still remember when I stopped allowing my ex-N to keep me isolated. People would be kind to me and I was shocked by basic simple kindness. Somehow I had allowed the bar to be set lower and lower on how I should allow myself to be treated. Somehow I had been stripped of the idea I deserved consideration or kindness and to be spoken to even during a misunderstanding – to be spoken to with respect. And laughter – when I spent time with friends that made me laugh and forget – THAT IS HEALING. Waking up and recognizing all the perverted thinking I had developed about myself and releasing it – that healed me. To know the people in my life who are N/P/S are sick and I need not bother myself with them and what they think – their opinions will never be uplifting to me or others. To go stand next to the kind people – because selfish people, liars, are evil and it has nothing to do with me. Kind, honest, wonderful people are kind, honest and wonderful and that too has nothing to do with me. I just need to go stand next to the kind, honest and wonderful people and avoid the people of the lie.
I UNDERSTAND now that they are emotional vampires and …
I DON’T CARE WHY
– I just need to wear garlic and crosses and stand in the light…
Thank you for a wonderful post.
Oxy – This is how I think too:
I watch most for any signs of DISHONESTY”ANY.,,.signs of dishonesty and they are quietly pushed to the edge of my life or completely out of my universe which ever is appropriate given the person and situation. But they will never then get into my circle of intimacy. Dishonesty is a DEAL BREAKER.
My children if asked what the rules are at my house say – Mommy has one rule – NO LYING.
As I have told them over and over – don’t be afraid to tell me the truth – I may get upset but I cannot help you fix a problem if I don’t know the truth. Without truth there is no trust and with trust there is no real love.
My favorite quote: “Truth without love is brutality, and love without truth is hypocrisy.”
”• Warren Wiersbe
Erin – just read your post. There is only one way in my opinion. No Contact. That means no texts- no phone calls – no email – no Facebooking him, no talking to mutual acquaintances and checking up on him.
No offense but this person is not someone who is integral to your life. He is an empty suit upon which you have pasted your dreams and hopes. You have to understand that someone who loves you truly does not treat you like this person has treated you and you have allowed yourself to be a side dish. You deserve to be the steak in your own life.
A quote I gave my daughter recently that I think applies:
If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it, so don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay.
I wish you a speedy healing-
I recommend “What Smart Women Know” – a light read that has much wisdom. “The Grief Recovery Handbook” and also “Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You” by Susan Elliot – she has a fantastic website that really helps.
This man may not be a disordered personality but just someone who liked the extra sex and emotional content of a long distance and basically NSA relationship that you offered him. That chemistry thing kills us women.
The real reasons for not having sex with a man until you know him and his values and if he is a keeper in every other way is that we women bond chemically with a man through sex and once that happens we overlook behavior we might otherwise not tolerate. The chemical is oxytocin – it is the same chemical the floods us when we give birth so we can tolerate the incredibly taxing demands of a newborn and love the child instead of getting exhausted and walking away.
Erin, Breck girl’s advice is right on! Wash that man right out of your hair. That is just sex, it is not a “relationship” and sure it feels good, otherwise we would never procreate! But you have been dumped, that’s the honest assessment. If he wanted to respond he would. He does not want you in his life because HE DOES NOT VALUE YOU. Why? No telling really, maybe he found someone else, maybe not. Doesn’t matter really.
It is NOT because you are not “good enough” it is because he does not want a RELATIONSHIP he only wants sex when he wants it on HIS TERMS. He wants to TAKE but not give.
Why have you allowed him to treat you this way? Only you can answer that. But I think you deserve to be treated better, but the truth is that people will treat us the way WE ALLOW THEM to.