Editor’s note: The following article was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Adelade.” She previously wrote “12 steps of recovery from love fraud.”
I very much enjoy reading, especially those fictitious works that cause me to think and learn. Without a doubt, nearly everyone has seen the movie, Jurassic Park, based upon a book that was written by Michael Crichton over 20 years ago. Well, I re-read the book over the long Memorial Day weekend. It is far, far different from the movie, and drives home the ramifications of the human myth of “control.” If you haven’t read the book, I would urge you to do so, simply because it speaks to a part of the human condition that is inherent in each of us: the need for control.
In reading Jurassic Park, the character of Dr. Ian Malcolm is a naysayer with regard to the Park’s subject matter, from the first page. Malcolm espouses “Chaos Theory” and seems beyond arrogant. As the story unfolds, the reader eventually rejects the perception that Malcolm is just an arrogant ass and realizes that he’s just speaking truthfully.
Well, that’s all very interesting (yawn) and zippety-doo-dah, what does any of that have to do with surviving sociopathy? Okay ”¦ hang with me for a second. Where I am concerned, many of the discussions in this book caused a personal epiphany.
Knowledge vs. control
Malcolm goes on to discuss how science has only focused upon “control” as the driving forces behind scientific discoveries. If something can be scientifically proven (or, discovered), human beings have been under the false assumption that we will have the ability to control whatever it is, whether it’s nuclear physics or human behavior. Knowledge about something does not signify control over something. This is where the fallacy of science vs. life is exposed, and that simple truth rocked my world.
The arrogance of science is very clear: there are many diseases, disorders, and deformities that cannot be altered even if science can explain what they are or why they occur. Genetic research has been in full swing for nearly 80 years and the one thing that has been proven through generations of hybridization and engineering is that anomalies will randomly occur regardless of how a genome is tweaked. This is an inevitability – when a string of DNA is hybridized or altered, it is impossible to weed out defects and anomalies, even if the geneticist believes that he/she has taken every possible variable into account. Nature has the final say in all things, period.
Sociopaths are what they are
So, once again, what does all of this gibberish and ranting have to do with surviving sociopath entanglements? It means just this: defining sociopathy/psychopathy, pigeonholing assessments, and all of the psych-speak in every human language will not alter the fact that sociopaths simply “are.” Regardless of the label, the acronym, the bell curve, the paradigm, or the nodding of educated heads and “harrumphing” in unison, what is not going to change is the fact that sociopaths are what they are, do what they do, and will always remain a factor of the human condition.
Without a doubt, this is the singular truth with regard to our survival, recovery, and emergence: We don’t really need to understand sociopathy. We don’t need to define whether it’s “nature vs. nurture.” We don’t need to construct parameters for an individual to be stuffed into. No amount of data is going to prevent sociopath and psychopath developments ever. What we “need” is to alter our own choices, behaviors, and perceptions and adapt so that we won’t be easy targets, again. What we “need,” more than anything, is to accept our human limitations with respect to “control,” and adapt.
Plants and animals have adapted to develop numerous strategies with regard to defense, propagation, and survival. Unfortunately (or not), human beings have come to the point in their perceptions that all we need is to “control” everything on earth from cellular mitosis to comet trajectories, and that Science and “The Experts” can accomplish this. And, this just isn’t so. We cannot stop earthquakes, though we can attempt to predict them. We cannot control where/when tornadoes will develop, though we can observe Doppler radar and blare out klaxon warnings if data suggests a threat. We cannot control whether an expensive show-quality heifer will produce a conjoined calf or not, but we can conduct amniocentesis in an attempt to intervene. We cannot control whether a human being is born as (or, develops into) a sociopath or not, but we attempt to construct parameters so as to avoid those who fit the profile.
We can adapt
What we can do is adapt. If our system of beliefs is flawed, we can change them. If our perceptions about human nature are flawed, we can alter them. If we leave ourselves open to repeated targeting and victimization, we can alter those things that make us attractive to sociopaths. We have the capacity to adapt, to heal, to emerge, and to progress. Now, I’m not saying that adaptation is smooth, painless, or instantaneous. Adaptation requires time ”¦ good, long time. Mistakes must be made along the way in order to develop “permanent” personal changes that are beneficial. The work that goes into adaptation is going to be intense, challenging, and demanding.
I’m taking this and I’m running with it as if my backside is on fire. I don’t need anyone in any professional capacity to tell me what I need to understand in the false assumption that “understanding will bring healing.” For me, that assumption is pure rubbish and simply not true. My healing, and the desire to heal, must come from within me, alone. No pill, no suggestion, no philosophy, no data, no acronym, and no religious ritual is going to cause me to adapt sufficiently enough to make myself safer from future victimization. So, I’m going to prioritize my “emotional hybridization,” and begin the long, slow processes of healing and emerging. I’m making the choice to accept this emergence as it is: a necessity of survival, on every level.
Sky,
Yea if a man had hit me he would have had to spend some time in ICU recovering, but I thought I was so great…I looked down my nose at women who went back to men who beat them. I was such a hypocrite.
I let my SON abuse me in ways I would never have let a man abuse me. I let my egg donor abuse me in ways I would never have let a man abuse me.
LOL So you are right! Who was the fool! LOL
Oxy and Breck Girl,
Of course you are both probably correct in your assessments but, as you know, it still hurts to be dumped regardless of the circumstances. Being dumped equals rejection which is difficult in love relationships, family relationships and friendships.
The curious thing is that we hadn’t seen each other for eight months and there was no relationship pressure. It was just a conversational kind of thing and I didn’t expect to see him again for quite some time. We are both with others but had kept the long distance connection because we enjoyed it, or so I thought. He was always the one wondering where I was if I didn’t respond for a few days.
It has been nearly 8 years since I met him so ending a relationship of that duration is pretty major. I need to step back from this, take a deep breath, and think about this. It really caught me off guard. I will certainly not contact him again, but if he should call I am not sure what I will do.
The healthiest thing for me is to go out of contact again.
Never in my life (and I am not young!) have I felt such a strong pull towards a person or had such a hard time getting over someone. That is why I think he is a narcissist.. there is something “not quite right” there and he still maintains relationships with ex girlfriends and his ex wife.
Thank you for your input. Feeling a little better thanks to your affirmations.
CHAT!
Erin,
I hope you don’t take offense as none is intended but I find it odd that you are in a relationship with someone (I assume a committed dating relationship) and yet this other man plays such a big role in your life that it feels like being dumped and you have tried to pin him down. I think you might need to examine what it is you expected from him and why the loss of someone who has not been a true partner is hurting you so much. Question yourself and your own motives and unconscious assumptions/wants/needs that you believe this relationship satisfied for you. Get the focus off of him and his behavior and on you and your behavior – behavior in terms of tolerating bad treatment. What is up with that? Ask yourself why you would choose to be in a relationship like this. It feels like you do not expect much for yourself. You cannot make a person who treats you badly treat you well – there is NOTHING you can do to change how they treat people – and believe me he treats other women the same as he treats you. Your only choice is to accept it or reject him and seek better quality people.
IMPORTANT QUESTION: Does the person you date know about this “relationship” of 8 years? If not then for me it feels inappropriate and maybe this is a gift as it is apparent you would not have ended it.
And if your current relationship doesn’t know about this man of 8 years, why not? If you expect to have a true loving relationship with someone you do not keep your other important relationships a secret.
If the “real relationship” is not satisfying to you (and in my opinion if it was this other guy would not be so important that you go chasing after him when he disappears) then you need to let go of it as well and get yourself right about your boundaries and the value you place on yourself and your quality of life.
Then you wait until the right person appears – do not fill the space with whatever shows up – keep clearing it out until someone worthy of your love and efforts shows up. I truly believe if you keep cleaning out the space in your life of the time wasters and not quite good enough friends and potential lovers that eventually people worth your time and effort will appear to fill that space.
I also do believe you will be tested with several “not good enough’s” until you figure it out – and figuring it out is that you have certain boundaries – deal breakers and when someone behaves in a dishonest or distancing manner then you cut them loose knowing they are not good enough for you. Only you can know what your deal breakers are (lying, drug use/abuse, criminal behavior, coldness/general insensitivity, cruelty or rudeness/vulagrity, selfish, impolite…you get the idea) – but you should know what they are, recognize when they are being violated and act accordingly. That means walk away.
My life is too valuable to me to waste it on anymore jerks or people who just need to get their act together or need some fixing – if they aren’t in good enough shape now it is no sense in me waiting around hoping that one day they will be as that is highly unlikely. My boundaries have gotten ever more rigid and my life is better and better quality people are in my life as a result.
There are very few reasons for such silencing behavior to ever happen – if you have allowed him back in the past after this type of thing – due to some apology or excuse for distancing behavior and it happens again you do have your answer about the person. I can allow in some instance for someone to be distant or unsure but if it is a repeated behavior then you know the truth whether you want to acknowledge it or not.
I have had girlfriends who are platonic friends who have behaved in ways that I have found so appalling or hurtful I have had to distance myself from all contact. I would be saddened over the loss, even cry but despite the years of friendship – but I also have grown to feel somewhat like what Oxy says – I’m just removing more deadwood or rubbish from my life.
Your intense attraction could be because of the intensity of this man’s charm and him being a narcissist or again it could be that you have built up a fantasy of what he is due to the “vacation romance” nature of your friendship.
When you do not have to deal with a person on day to day basis – not see their hair in the sink, toilet seat up or dirty socks on the floor as they “get comfortable” they stay more attractive and romantic. Long term daily or near daily contact wears away at that sheen – and that is where real love is tested and developed. A person who is kind, honest and considerate to you after daily contact for longer than 18 months is generally someone worth hanging onto (barring other major compatibility issues)….
The “relationship” you describe with this man is more like an acquaintance than a full fledged relationship. Most all of the men I know who have stayed in close contact with all of their exes did so out of ego and most of their relationships were fairly shallow. One in particular liked to see if he could still bed these women and loved to inspire jealousy among the older girlfriends by parading around new younger women. I was one of those new younger women for a short time and when I figured out his game I dumped him. He continued calling me for years saying things like “I miss our conjugal relations” thinking he was oh so sophisticated and impressing me. I said to him “the term conjugal pertains to marital relations – there is no ring on my finger and I have no interest in receiving one from you…” he continued to call until I got married and once he realized I was truly not available as a potential bedmate (even though I had made it clear before that that would not happen) he stopped calling.
I hope you understand what I mean when I say stop thinking about his behavior and start thinking about your own. That is the only place you will find the solutions you seek.
Seems like I am on a posting tear tonight. Forgive me – home sick and obviously the Chaos Theory struck home for me! xox ~ Breck
BreckGirl – Thank you for the above post to Erin – I needed to read that tonite….
Breck,
Wow, what a post! I am flattered that you would take so much time to write all that. It’s almost as if you saw through my soul when writing it which speaks to your intuition and intelligence.
I have never found anyone that I enjoyed being with as much as this man. The three years we were together were some of the best times as my life. I think that’s why I had trouble letting go.. as did he! We talked about that all the time, even though we were in relationships with others. It’s back to the old feeling of being “soulmates” which I know is another RED FLAG of being with a sociopath, but the similarities in us were uncanny. Just last month he told me he “loved” me but I knew he meant more as a person than the kind of love we had before. It had changed into something different.
And to clarify, I have never “chased” this man. It was more the other way around. What happened this week was just a reaction to a feeling that he had probably made a decision to end our connection which surprised me.
I do deserve more than what he could give, and I wasn’t waiting around for him to come riding back on a horse – I think I stayed connected because of the “image” and the flirting which i enjoyed. Selfishly, I loved talking to him so much. He was interesting, listened well, made me laugh, and time would fly by. There’s never been anyone like that in my life, and it filled some kind of gap.
Yes, the guy I am with now knows I was good friends with this person but I don’t talk about it a lot because he might feel uncomfortable. I am not very happy in the current relationship and am thinking of clearing it out as well, as you said. As you said, it happens with girlfriends, too, and there have been a few of those in recent years. The losses mount up and it makes me said because I relish in connections with people and care about people deeply. The boundary setting deficiency comes from my childhood. My mother was very self-centered and my brother and sister are also. I was the “good egg” and the one concerned with others… basically brought up to be a people pleaser. I was in therapy for a couple of years and the therapist was delving into all that and it really hit a nerve. I stopped going because I didn’t want to pay to hash through all those chidhood scenarios.
So, I know I will be alright. As with any ending, we mourn, analyze, second guess ourselves, then each day gets a little easier. As you said, it could be a gift in disguise.
Again, thank you!
Bravo, shampoo lady.
Erin, Miss Breck said most everything I was thinking as I read your post. Except this: You said that in the past it was him who got upset if you didn’t respond to him for a day or two. So, I gather, there was no real urgency to engage with him, as long as he was pursuing you, and you felt secure and in control. You apparently didn’t feel you owed him any explanation or response. Okay. The two of you aren’t in any real relationship, anyway, right?
Now, he isn’t respnding to you, and this just fans the flames. Now you have the fear of rejection virus passed to you and it’s in your gut.
One of the things that is so intoxicating about this kind of a relationship is that the desire is never really fulfilled. Someone is always creating distance, so the relationship never reaches beyond the lovely fantasy…ie: it never has to withstand any kind of intimacy fears, or commitment fears, or any of the not so lovely things Breck spoke about…it is always only a dream. Both parties are often complicitious in this. When one gets too close, the other backs off. When one is in the “I need my space mode”, the other is in hot pursuit. The “relationship never moves forward but stays in the realm of fantasy, because neither partner is really equiped to be in an intimate, committed relationship. Triangulating is another means of creating distance in relationships. Adding a third party to obsess over pretty much insures there won’t be much intimacy in the primary relationship.
I am the survivor of a serial cheat, and I stuck around for a long time, bemoaning my fate. HE had a problem with intimacy. Til a therapist asked ME why I was involved with him. In a sick kind of way it allowed ME to be involved without any real closeness…just like it did him.
In relationships like this, there will never be a closing of the gap. There will always be an equilibrium…just about the same amount of distance, with one partner distancing and the other partner closing in, and then they swap positions, but never a true intimacy.
Just my two cents.
Kim,
Thanks, I am impressed with your insight and viewpoint. I think you’re right.. in a relationship that stays in the realm of fantasy, there is a kind of dance between the partners. The delicate balance is usually there but it’s unconscious then when one of the partners changes their behavior, everything feels out of balance. It’s a type of emotional crutch and a feeling of security.. and as you said, the commitment will never be made.
At one time I really wanted to commit to this man but after he took up with a much younger woman that was everything he said he DIDN’T want, I think he started that relationship to avoid commiting to me. It was at that point that I knew I would never go there. Of course I should have completely walked away then and never look back but because we work for the same company we were thrown together which was too tempting.
Feeling better after a good night’s sleep. Have been listening to a religious radio station this morning and just having quiet time to myself.. always helps.
I blocked his email address so that I won’t know if he writes or not. Nothing is harder than wondering when you go to your inbox if there will be a message there. This way I won’t know, period.
Just have to keep reminding myself of the dysfunctional parts of the relationship to get my mind off the time we spent together in those first few years and the wonderful trips we took.
Breck, thanks for the referral to Susan Elliott’s site.. there are some excellent and relevants posts there.
Have a good weekend, all.
Just saw this and had to share:
If you’re not being trated with love and respect, check your price tag. Perhaps you’ve marked yourself down! It’s you who tell people what you’re worth by what you will accept. Get off the clearance rack and behind the glass where they keep the valuables. “Value” yourself more.