Editor’s note: The following article was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Adelade.” She previously wrote “12 steps of recovery from love fraud.”
I very much enjoy reading, especially those fictitious works that cause me to think and learn. Without a doubt, nearly everyone has seen the movie, Jurassic Park, based upon a book that was written by Michael Crichton over 20 years ago. Well, I re-read the book over the long Memorial Day weekend. It is far, far different from the movie, and drives home the ramifications of the human myth of “control.” If you haven’t read the book, I would urge you to do so, simply because it speaks to a part of the human condition that is inherent in each of us: the need for control.
In reading Jurassic Park, the character of Dr. Ian Malcolm is a naysayer with regard to the Park’s subject matter, from the first page. Malcolm espouses “Chaos Theory” and seems beyond arrogant. As the story unfolds, the reader eventually rejects the perception that Malcolm is just an arrogant ass and realizes that he’s just speaking truthfully.
Well, that’s all very interesting (yawn) and zippety-doo-dah, what does any of that have to do with surviving sociopathy? Okay ”¦ hang with me for a second. Where I am concerned, many of the discussions in this book caused a personal epiphany.
Knowledge vs. control
Malcolm goes on to discuss how science has only focused upon “control” as the driving forces behind scientific discoveries. If something can be scientifically proven (or, discovered), human beings have been under the false assumption that we will have the ability to control whatever it is, whether it’s nuclear physics or human behavior. Knowledge about something does not signify control over something. This is where the fallacy of science vs. life is exposed, and that simple truth rocked my world.
The arrogance of science is very clear: there are many diseases, disorders, and deformities that cannot be altered even if science can explain what they are or why they occur. Genetic research has been in full swing for nearly 80 years and the one thing that has been proven through generations of hybridization and engineering is that anomalies will randomly occur regardless of how a genome is tweaked. This is an inevitability – when a string of DNA is hybridized or altered, it is impossible to weed out defects and anomalies, even if the geneticist believes that he/she has taken every possible variable into account. Nature has the final say in all things, period.
Sociopaths are what they are
So, once again, what does all of this gibberish and ranting have to do with surviving sociopath entanglements? It means just this: defining sociopathy/psychopathy, pigeonholing assessments, and all of the psych-speak in every human language will not alter the fact that sociopaths simply “are.” Regardless of the label, the acronym, the bell curve, the paradigm, or the nodding of educated heads and “harrumphing” in unison, what is not going to change is the fact that sociopaths are what they are, do what they do, and will always remain a factor of the human condition.
Without a doubt, this is the singular truth with regard to our survival, recovery, and emergence: We don’t really need to understand sociopathy. We don’t need to define whether it’s “nature vs. nurture.” We don’t need to construct parameters for an individual to be stuffed into. No amount of data is going to prevent sociopath and psychopath developments ever. What we “need” is to alter our own choices, behaviors, and perceptions and adapt so that we won’t be easy targets, again. What we “need,” more than anything, is to accept our human limitations with respect to “control,” and adapt.
Plants and animals have adapted to develop numerous strategies with regard to defense, propagation, and survival. Unfortunately (or not), human beings have come to the point in their perceptions that all we need is to “control” everything on earth from cellular mitosis to comet trajectories, and that Science and “The Experts” can accomplish this. And, this just isn’t so. We cannot stop earthquakes, though we can attempt to predict them. We cannot control where/when tornadoes will develop, though we can observe Doppler radar and blare out klaxon warnings if data suggests a threat. We cannot control whether an expensive show-quality heifer will produce a conjoined calf or not, but we can conduct amniocentesis in an attempt to intervene. We cannot control whether a human being is born as (or, develops into) a sociopath or not, but we attempt to construct parameters so as to avoid those who fit the profile.
We can adapt
What we can do is adapt. If our system of beliefs is flawed, we can change them. If our perceptions about human nature are flawed, we can alter them. If we leave ourselves open to repeated targeting and victimization, we can alter those things that make us attractive to sociopaths. We have the capacity to adapt, to heal, to emerge, and to progress. Now, I’m not saying that adaptation is smooth, painless, or instantaneous. Adaptation requires time ”¦ good, long time. Mistakes must be made along the way in order to develop “permanent” personal changes that are beneficial. The work that goes into adaptation is going to be intense, challenging, and demanding.
I’m taking this and I’m running with it as if my backside is on fire. I don’t need anyone in any professional capacity to tell me what I need to understand in the false assumption that “understanding will bring healing.” For me, that assumption is pure rubbish and simply not true. My healing, and the desire to heal, must come from within me, alone. No pill, no suggestion, no philosophy, no data, no acronym, and no religious ritual is going to cause me to adapt sufficiently enough to make myself safer from future victimization. So, I’m going to prioritize my “emotional hybridization,” and begin the long, slow processes of healing and emerging. I’m making the choice to accept this emergence as it is: a necessity of survival, on every level.
Love it Erin – that is another quote worth keeping on hand!
Erin, I was sorry to read about your situation – sorry that you’ve been hurt, again. I’m happy to read that you’re feeling better, today, and I really like the quote.
I think self-value is precisely what spaths hone in on like a dog on point – if we have it, they desire to destroy it; if we DON’T have it, it’s just another tool in their belts.
Brightest blessings, Erin – one baby step at a time.
Truthspeak, I feel that I am being guided to an accelerated healing and your article addressed and validated my very “me to me” conversation I had today as I walked the dog in the park…Unbelievably, I came to the conclusion, after ALL the books and research I have read on psychopathy and narcissism that it seemed like all the experts had a different name for what traits were what…they crossed, changed, confused…I decided (TODAY) to do Away With All The Labels and to settle for “I knew what I knew” I knew what I had experienced, a Psychopath. The more I read, the more triggers and the more memories, tears, regret, sadness and in the long run gratitude for the eyeopener of what exist in the world. I decided that today, that I no longer want to keep reading about the “P” (although I may go back occasionally for a reread) but I NOW was ready and eager to know more about me…the “whys” about me, get out of the denial and shame and be willing to make the necessary changes to live a life of peace, understanding and acceptance. Knowing that I dont have to have all the answers but I can learn to love and protect myself and to love the people in my life with having self-respect and respecting them. I am very grateful for your most validating on-time article..Because I keep getting these confirmations is one of the reasons that I believe my healing is being accelerated..Thank you
On another article one of the commenters suggested I read the book, “The Betrayal Bond”, I did get it and I knew in reading the first pages that I will be having many epiphanies as I have had so many in the past 2 weeks…In between the sadness and yes, depression, I am actually excited about what will be coming next and what will be revealed to me about me and life! I’m ready to take a back seat, give up control and learn how to respond instead of react…I am sure this is a process but this is where I am on this very day, today…
Adelade”..
I understand your frustration with the psychopath dilemma. It seems from what you wrote that you need to take a breather from it for a while. I sense in your post that you are still angry and I get that. I think most of us are to varying degrees. Whatever works for you to heal is what you need to try. We all have to find our own paths. However, studying psychopathy does not preclude any of us from working on ourselves in other ways too. I agree with you”. it is also important to work on ourselves.
While perusing Lovefraud, I began to read a post of a woman going through a terrible divorce, and I was surprised to see that it was your post! I must tell you that what you wrote sounds like my experience almost verbatim. I don’t know how far along you are in the process or if it is finalized. If not, I want to warn you”.and anyone reading this ”. the legal system is completely corrupt. This includes judges, lawyers, (including your own), private detectives, forensic accountants” legal guardians”.(which luckily I did not have to deal with), court law secretaries, court clerks, court stenographers, etc.
But the list does not end here. There are lots of people looking to make money off your fear, desperation, frustration, vulnerability, etc. These people have been around for a while and they know how to con a victim who is extremely vulnerable. These also include; divorce coaching and groups that promise to give you legal help. Groups for legal reform are just crawling with predators who want to “help” you. Therapists can make out to….though some are helpful. Caveat emptor! Trust no one. These people will tell you what you want to hear and they know exactly what that is. You are not their first victim.
Once the judge is paid off ”.the fix is in. No matter what you do”.you cannot win.Unless one is savvy enough to beat the system. I learned that the hard way. If you knew the details of my story, there is only one conclusion—the judge was paid off. The rulings were totally against my legal rights and yet the two judges had no qualms in breaking the law. I counted on the legal system to get “justice” but only ended up worse off. It was obvious that the psychopath that I was married to embezzled at least a couple of million dollars from our business and the judges turned a blind eye. I went through almost a dozen lawyers. They took my money and stabbed me in the back”..including forensic accountants and a private detective. The psychopath had the money (mine) to pay off everyone and ruin me.
*Divorce is a con game where all the players make out (except the victim) and the players know who is the meal ticket.*
So as bad as things were with the psychopath, I believe I am even angrier and outraged with the US legal system. They were supposed to obey the law and they screwed me at every turn. He was in contempt of court on every count, yet the judges did nothing. What they did do was victimize the victim”.me.
The thing that really astounds me is that all of these people have to be psychopaths. None had any conscience. None seemed the least bit distressed, concerned, compassionate, or remorseful in ruining an innocent person’s life. I hear stories of how innocent people all over our country are thrown into prison just so a judge or prosecutor or whomever can further their career. What is happening? Innocent lives are being ruined. These people obviously have no conscience. As time goes on it seems to me that there are many more psychopaths in this world then the “experts” are saying. Everywhere you turn there is corruption.
It doesn’t look like we can fix it.
I realize that some of this post is off the original topic”..but since I saw your other post regarding your divorce”.I thought I’d add it here.
If you or anyone else would like to discuss divorce further, I’d be happy to. Maybe I should find a divorce discussion here on Lovefraud.
Gia
A great book…..”The Gift of Fear” by Gavin DeBecker.
In it he talks about how our reasoning overrides our gut instinct…..and that can be a dangerous thing. He says always trust your instinct. We are so prone to rationalizing away our fear or discomfort…..for example….he doesn’t look like the type to do any harm. Women are also programmed to be “nice”.
This is a very good book that could save your life.
Quote:
“People don’t just “snap” and become violent, says de Becker, whose clients include federal government agencies, celebrities, police departments, and shelters for battered women. “There is a process as observable, and often as predictable, as water coming to a boil.” Learning to predict violence is the cornerstone to preventing it. De Becker is a master of the psychology of violence, and his advice may save your life. –Joan Price”
A Q&A with Gavin de Becker
http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198
Gia,
my experience has been the same as yours.
the spath had the police and the sherrif in 3 counties in his pocket BEFORE he instigated the last plot to kill me.
That’s why it took 18 years from beginning to end, from the moment he had me buy that house to the end when it was paid off and willed to him.
The only way to beat a spath is to do what he doesn’t expect. Divorce or justice must be in another jurisdiction, because he has already “gotten friendly” with the players where he expects to play.
The spath’s betrayal is complete. It starts on day 1 because his intent was to betray from the very beginning. In my case, I’ve realized that he had sabotaged my car BEFORE I met him. That was the ploy so that he could fix it for me and “earn” my trust. So that means that the long con was not 25.5 years, but at least a few months more than that.
You are so right about the corruption in the courts. Legal abuse is the way that domestic violence continues. What I’ve learned is that persecutors will hide their persecution by pretending to be victims and accusing YOU of what they’ve done. Remember that the pity ploy is the oldest trick in the book.
Being a good person just makes them attack us more, so it’s important to expect it. To them, kindness looks like weakness. It’s time to teach them differently.
Gia, I’m familiar with divorce and how the Legal System works. I’m also prepared for gross injustice and copious victim-blame. Power corrupts, and what could be more powerful than “The Law?” I realize this, and I have no delusions of how this is going to unfold. I don’t even maintain a false hope that there will be anything resembling “justice,” because there can be no legal remedy for the carnage that has been done.
The divorce is not finalized, and you can bet the farm that I’m angry. And, as I see it, I have every right to be angry. This will pass, in due time, and I know this – this is the second sociopathic marriage that I’ve ended, and I know that I will emerge in a far better emotional state than I did from the last one, in due time. For the moment, I am renting a room in someone else’s home. I was relieved of my mode of transportation as per the spath’s machinations. I am managing a painful and progressive disease and am unable to get to appointments with my physician and counseling therapist. I am sporadically employed with very minimal pay when I do work. I receive (by Court Order) a sum of “spousal support” that adds up to 2 tanks of gas per week. Meanwhile, the exspath is enjoying a very healthy State paycheck and entertaining his wildest deviant fantasies, at will, and still having the best life that a sociopath can. You bet I’m angry.
As far as my original post goes, I stand by my assertion that attempting to engage in defining the parameters of what constitutes a sociopath/psychopath, and what doesn’t is a tremendous waste of vital energy for ME. Knowing what sociopaths do, what their modus operandii are, and how to construct strict and solid boundaries are primary to my healing process, absolutely. But, as I said, the quibbling about acronyms, research results, and the like are complete distractions for me. My personal feeling is that I don’t care whether it’s nature vs. nurture or what the most recent research data shows. None of that factors into my recovery, at all. What does factor in will be my ability to overcome my current situation and adapt to a new one, regardless of what it turns out to be. The “experts” are not living in my skin, nor are their pontifications relevent to my pulling myself up by my bootstraps and moving on with my life.
The whole of my life has been spent seeking approval, acceptance, and leaving myself open to harm (on every level) as a result of my fears and shame-core. These are the issues that I will focus my energies on, and I pat myself on the back for getting this far. Several months ago, I simply wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I don’t feel that way, anymore. But, you are absolutely spot-on to recognize my anger, and I won’t apologize for feeling angry, nor should anyone else who has survived any type of association with a sociopath.
I think a lot of survivors end up feeling GUILTY for being angry at the sociopaths that victimized them. Even my counseling therapist said, “Well, don’t you think you have a RIGHT to feel angry?” Anger is not a “bad thing,” unless it’s misdirected. In the cases of spath survivors, the shame of being duped is compounded by the shame of feeling angry ABOUT being duped, and it’s utterly incongruous – probably a huge contributor to cognitive dissonance, I imagine.
But, however anyone wishes to read the original post, it’s about me and my feelings about what works best for me. I simply choose to avoid discussing research data, psychological test results, and whether or not sociopathy is inherited. My focus is recognizing the symptoms, avoiding spath entanglements, and constructing strict, unmovable, and harsh boundaries.
Brightest blessings
AliveToday, I’m happy that you found something helpful in the article. I began to recognize this insatiable need to “define” and set parameters….and, it was simply a distraction for me. I’ve read many, many books about one view or another, but most of those “expert” views had nothing to do with HEALING from the carnages. It was all about the author’s perception, labels, etc…
The one book that had the greatest impact, lately, was (someone correct me if the title’s wrong!) “Healing The Shame That Binds (You? Us? Them?)” Although a lot of the writing went into some intense directions, the basis was that I could identify with HOW I developed into such a pliable target. I was finally able to “see” how I was programmed to be a victim, even if that programming was not intentional. It simply changed the course of my perceptions, and I’m running with it.
So, keep at it, AliveToday! It’s a long path with many potholes, pitfalls, and sidetracks, but we all get there in our own ways!
Brightest blessings
What happens is that we have an insatiable desire to comprehend why the sociopath is what he is and why he acts like he does (female included, though they are less in numbers). We should focus on our perception of what’s happened and what made us feel attracted to this person in the first place rather than on the disordered person, which is perhaps what Donna means to say in her article. She is right in that it shouldn’t be our problem what makes a person a sociopath, what matters is what we can do about it, now that we know that they exist. It goes without saying that one needs to get oneself informed about what the antisocial personality disorder is but wihout dwelling too much on it. In other words, read about it and focus on yourself, on your perceptions and behaviors to change the pattern in yourself which makes you attract this type of personality and get a move on. Courage and Blessings.
Victor12, what attracted me to this type of person was 100% illusion. The exspath built a persona based upon my personal issues, and capitalized on it in every way imaginable. I was deliberately targeted for my money, and that’s the bottom line. Everything else that went with the exspath’s betrayals were just part and parcel of what he really is.
The pattern that I can clearly recognize involves my own shame-core and failure to construct boundaries. Boundaries always seemed to be extreme to me – it kept people OUT, and that’s not what a damaged person wants. Today, just about everyone is kept out, and I don’t feel one bit guilty about this, either. 😀