Editor’s note: The following article was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Adelade.” She previously wrote “12 steps of recovery from love fraud.”
I very much enjoy reading, especially those fictitious works that cause me to think and learn. Without a doubt, nearly everyone has seen the movie, Jurassic Park, based upon a book that was written by Michael Crichton over 20 years ago. Well, I re-read the book over the long Memorial Day weekend. It is far, far different from the movie, and drives home the ramifications of the human myth of “control.” If you haven’t read the book, I would urge you to do so, simply because it speaks to a part of the human condition that is inherent in each of us: the need for control.
In reading Jurassic Park, the character of Dr. Ian Malcolm is a naysayer with regard to the Park’s subject matter, from the first page. Malcolm espouses “Chaos Theory” and seems beyond arrogant. As the story unfolds, the reader eventually rejects the perception that Malcolm is just an arrogant ass and realizes that he’s just speaking truthfully.
Well, that’s all very interesting (yawn) and zippety-doo-dah, what does any of that have to do with surviving sociopathy? Okay ”¦ hang with me for a second. Where I am concerned, many of the discussions in this book caused a personal epiphany.
Knowledge vs. control
Malcolm goes on to discuss how science has only focused upon “control” as the driving forces behind scientific discoveries. If something can be scientifically proven (or, discovered), human beings have been under the false assumption that we will have the ability to control whatever it is, whether it’s nuclear physics or human behavior. Knowledge about something does not signify control over something. This is where the fallacy of science vs. life is exposed, and that simple truth rocked my world.
The arrogance of science is very clear: there are many diseases, disorders, and deformities that cannot be altered even if science can explain what they are or why they occur. Genetic research has been in full swing for nearly 80 years and the one thing that has been proven through generations of hybridization and engineering is that anomalies will randomly occur regardless of how a genome is tweaked. This is an inevitability – when a string of DNA is hybridized or altered, it is impossible to weed out defects and anomalies, even if the geneticist believes that he/she has taken every possible variable into account. Nature has the final say in all things, period.
Sociopaths are what they are
So, once again, what does all of this gibberish and ranting have to do with surviving sociopath entanglements? It means just this: defining sociopathy/psychopathy, pigeonholing assessments, and all of the psych-speak in every human language will not alter the fact that sociopaths simply “are.” Regardless of the label, the acronym, the bell curve, the paradigm, or the nodding of educated heads and “harrumphing” in unison, what is not going to change is the fact that sociopaths are what they are, do what they do, and will always remain a factor of the human condition.
Without a doubt, this is the singular truth with regard to our survival, recovery, and emergence: We don’t really need to understand sociopathy. We don’t need to define whether it’s “nature vs. nurture.” We don’t need to construct parameters for an individual to be stuffed into. No amount of data is going to prevent sociopath and psychopath developments ever. What we “need” is to alter our own choices, behaviors, and perceptions and adapt so that we won’t be easy targets, again. What we “need,” more than anything, is to accept our human limitations with respect to “control,” and adapt.
Plants and animals have adapted to develop numerous strategies with regard to defense, propagation, and survival. Unfortunately (or not), human beings have come to the point in their perceptions that all we need is to “control” everything on earth from cellular mitosis to comet trajectories, and that Science and “The Experts” can accomplish this. And, this just isn’t so. We cannot stop earthquakes, though we can attempt to predict them. We cannot control where/when tornadoes will develop, though we can observe Doppler radar and blare out klaxon warnings if data suggests a threat. We cannot control whether an expensive show-quality heifer will produce a conjoined calf or not, but we can conduct amniocentesis in an attempt to intervene. We cannot control whether a human being is born as (or, develops into) a sociopath or not, but we attempt to construct parameters so as to avoid those who fit the profile.
We can adapt
What we can do is adapt. If our system of beliefs is flawed, we can change them. If our perceptions about human nature are flawed, we can alter them. If we leave ourselves open to repeated targeting and victimization, we can alter those things that make us attractive to sociopaths. We have the capacity to adapt, to heal, to emerge, and to progress. Now, I’m not saying that adaptation is smooth, painless, or instantaneous. Adaptation requires time ”¦ good, long time. Mistakes must be made along the way in order to develop “permanent” personal changes that are beneficial. The work that goes into adaptation is going to be intense, challenging, and demanding.
I’m taking this and I’m running with it as if my backside is on fire. I don’t need anyone in any professional capacity to tell me what I need to understand in the false assumption that “understanding will bring healing.” For me, that assumption is pure rubbish and simply not true. My healing, and the desire to heal, must come from within me, alone. No pill, no suggestion, no philosophy, no data, no acronym, and no religious ritual is going to cause me to adapt sufficiently enough to make myself safer from future victimization. So, I’m going to prioritize my “emotional hybridization,” and begin the long, slow processes of healing and emerging. I’m making the choice to accept this emergence as it is: a necessity of survival, on every level.
To clarify about reading, I think that it’s an extremely valuable tool to access the experiences of EVERYDAY human beings who were victimized by a sociopath. Donna’s books, Mel’s work, and others are not based upon their most recent research findings. Their stories are personal – real – and not attempts to get their names in some psychological journal.
Each and every survivor who has posted on this site about their personal experiences andtheir individual roads to recovery and healing are 145% VALID to me. The non-professional survivor speaks plainly, honestly, and without the flurry of psychspeak that confounds most laypeople. I am in awe of the articles and posts that I have read on this site, and they have been a source of inspiration, hope, and healing for me.
Having said that, the professionals that post on this site speak plainly, as well, and make no attempts to rock in a LayZBoy, stroke their chins, and clear their throats before launching into a pointless essay that strokes their own egos. The professionals on this site are gems of unique structure, and their insight is priceless.
Quite frankly, had it not been for this site and Donna’s initial courage to take her experiences to the proverbial street, I cannot (and, WILL not) imagine where I would be at this very moment.
I just wanted to mention a book that I recently read. I guess because I still struggle with denial – setting those firm boundaries…liars out! lol – thanks Oxy.
I just finished reading “The Serial Killer Whisperer”. A young man with severe brain injury becomes penpals with many serial killers.
There are two stories woven in – that of the killers…and that of the young man coping with his brain injury. Half way through the book, I could no longer read the letters from the serial killers…it was that disturbing to me…but I wanted to finish the young man’s story.
When I finished the book, I had to get out of bed and take it into the living room. I didn’t want it near me.
It truly helped with the denial. Many of us won’t meet people as extreme as these serial killers – in that they kill – but the traits…they’re there and everywhere.
It’s a true story and recently published. And it’s got one monster who has been on death row for 30+ years (can you believe that)…a date with the executioner very soon.
How soon the monsters and the tragedy they leave in their wake forgotten.
Shelley
Shelly,
I just started reading the book by Peter Maas about Sammy the Bull, the Mafia snitch that turned state’s evidence and got John Gotti and dozens of other Mafia dons and killers put in prison….and he was telling his life story….how he came from a good hard working family but he was dyslexic and couldn’t read so he became a thug, and I got as far as the first killing (in cold blood) he was ordered to do and how he and his 2 friends lured this guy to go clubbing with them and he got in the back seat behind this guy and just put two bullets in his friend’s head. He had been ordered by the Don to kill this guy because the guy was doing someone’s wife.
He said that HE DIDN’T FEEL ANY REMORSE OR GUILT when he did it or afterward. He killed he admitted 18 more people in cold blood. He ended up only getting 5 years instead of life without parole or the death penalty because he snitched and cooperated.
His wife knew he was a mobster but she didn’t “want to know the details” and she refused to go into witness protection with him. He eventually quit the protection program. He is about my age, maybe a year older (65-6) and still lives in hiding. His wife divorced him though.
He tried to come up with excuses of why he didn’t want his son to be a mobster, etc. and come up with things that made him “be honest” WTF???? He was AN HONEST SERIAL KILLER????
Yea, serial killers get lots of mail in prison from women who want to marry them and others who are interested in how they think or want to be “friends” with them, or show that they can be real nice guys. WTF???
My daughter in law KNEW that our Trojan Horse psychopath was a pedopile X3 and had spent 20 years in prison and she still had an affair with him, still used him to try to kill her husband (my son C) and even after they both went to jail/prison she “still cared about him” she wrote in a letter to her daughter. Then she turned on him and cleaned out his bank account of the stolen money she had given him. My son Patrick knew this woman (his brother’s wife) was having an affair with his buddy but he didn’t warn his brother—LOL There is NO honor among thieves no matter what Sammy the Bull says. He also talked about the Dons and what great guys they were (even though they had killed and ordered killings) how HONEST they were as they tended their tomato gardens behind false business fronts.
Robbing was no big deal, people had insurance so they didn’t get hurt…only the insurance companies. He stole a car once and the owner shot him and his friend…so he was going to kill the guy, because the guy shot at them JUST FOR A CAR. DUH?
I couldn’t read the entire book either, I read just the first part then the last chapter about Gotti’s trial and the epilog about what happened to Sammy. He is so much a psychopath….it sounds like the book my son Patrick would write about how he was only a thug because his mother was such a biatch and wanted him to study in school.
I don’t feel like though that The convict in the prison cell is my son Patrick…my son “died” when he was a teenager, and that man in the cell, the killer, is a STRANGER to me. But by understanding Sammy the bull I do understand that stranger, and I know that he will kill me if he ever gets the chance. It is my job to see he never gets the chance if I can.
Shelley:
I will definitely get this book…thank you for the suggestion.
Shelley and Louise,
I didn’t buy the book, but I read a few pages on amazon.
The letter I read, struck me as a lie from the spath. The boy later found that he told the police a completely different story.
I think forensics would be able to tell the truth better than a spath can.
What I’ve come to realize is that they truly cannot open their mouths without lying. I don’t think they could, even to save their lives.
Just from the letter to the boy, I got the impression he was writing about how he fantasizes killing people, rather than how he actually did. He said that the woman kept begging him for sex whenever he revived her from choking her.
Not saying the spath isn’t pure evil and capable of what he describes, just saying that the letters are more likely to be fantasy than truth. I think that if what he describes in those letters had ACTUALLY happened — he would have written something else. The truth is never good enough for them.
OxD, I have a difficult time reading those types of books, anymore. Time was, I was thoroughly interested in reading Ann Rule books, and other “true crime” accounts because, I suppose, I was morbidly fascinated as to HOW a person goes from eating strained spinach in a high-chair to committing multiple murders for entertainment, profit, or whatever. That female that shot her children (can’t remember her name) because her boyfriend didn’t want the responsibility of children? REALLY?
Today, I find it particularly difficult to read about these true-life wretches. It’s not a studio script. It’s not make-believe. I don’t have that “interest” in why or how they got behind bars, anymore. It’s too disturbing, especially when it comes to children. And, the enabling of “friends’ and family members is despicable – to “know” that “something doesn’t add up” about someone, but to pretend that something isn’t wrong just causes me to feel anxiety – if THAT makes any sense!
skylar:
Thanks for your great explanation as always. I also had gone on Amazon and read a little, but I didn’t read the letter to which you are referring.
The story is about a young man who is trying to come to terms with his brain injury and his purpose in life – much like a coming of age story.
In order to understand his personality changes and most especially his sudden, uncontrollable rages, he does research online – finds a correlation between rage/serial kills (simplified)..and writes to ask them. The dialogue between goes on for many years….from his teen and he’s now in his early 30’s.
His vulnerability and naivety had me biting my nails, but his parents imposed some strict guidelines…although got a bit lax at some times (pictures of home etc).
Yes, spaths lie – that’s given. He was however given enough info that he was able to help law enforcement close some cold files. As the book progresses you can see the lies, the bragging…the occasional “hook”.
A major turning point came for him when he, his father and younger brother actually visited some of these ‘pen pals’ in prison. One of them was Shawcross.
Anyways, it was a disturbing read for me – not just the serial killer’s letters – the chilling randomness… but perhaps because of the polarities between this youth and these monsters. Just one of those books that left with me with a lot of food for thought.
I didn’t buy it – I got it from the library 😉
Good article. It has occurred to me that the physiological elements of people of the dark triad are simply a feature of the spread of DNA attributes that appear naturally in the human species. We must know enough about the subject to be able to understand and recognize the red flags. However, as most of us know, some of these individuals are able to fool even the professionals (i.e. Robert Hare). Combine that with the fence sitters, the prospects are just not good. There must be people out there who are not members of the triad, yet who can identify them and avoid them. We should try to identify these people and learn how they do it……if they are willing to give up their secrets.
I can do it!
😀