Custody cases are often referred to as “custody battles”. Lately when I hear this term, I have to chuckle to myself because a “battle” seems so mild and finite compared to what I have been dealing with since the night I fled my ex’s house with my newborn son.
A “battle” might be an appropriate title when the case is between two rational parents. If you are dealing with a sociopath in a child custody case, however, you are probably experiencing what feels more like a war. Some battles are won and some are lost, but it is never just ONE battle with a person like this. I am blessed to be able to share my war stories in hopes to give others ammunition that I didn’t have (and maybe even gather some tips/weapons from others who have been here before me).
My story begins…
The first time I walked into my lawyers office, I probably looked like a crazy woman (and to some degree that is how I felt). I still remember the black sweat pajamas and spit up stained shirt I was wearing that day. These were the only clothes I owned because they had been the ones I fled Lucifer’s house wearing (Lucifer is what I am calling the psychopath – Luc for short). My two week old son was in my arms, despair and fear were the written all over my face, and I was visibly shaking as I held out my hand to meet my new attorneys.
As I sat in their office and told my story, I felt their judgement and disbelief. They had seen so many scorned women come through their office with false accusations and unbelievable stories. To them, I was just another one of these women who was determined to get some sort of revenge on her ex. It took me nearly a year to convince them that we were not dealing with a normal and healthy man. That, in fact, we were dealing with someone who very likely had a dangerous personality disorder – a sociopath.
A little background:
Just a few short weeks after my son was born, Lucifer’s mask fell. After he threatened to kill me, me and baby boy fled the house and never looked back. In the weeks that followed that horrible night, I learned more about Luc than I knew about him in the whole two years we dated. What I learned was very disturbing and, frankly, continues to scare the hell out of me. I learned he had lied to me about everything from his name and age to how he made his money. I also learned that two of the most important women in his life died of unnatural causes. While a lot of terrible things seem to happen around Luc, he has yet to be convicted of any crimes.
Things I have learned from my Custody War:
- Family court is not about what is best for the child. It is only about dealing with parents. Every time I hear people talk about “father’s rights” and “two parents are better than one” I want to throw up. Again, these might be totally justified ideas when the father is not a sociopath. Family court is “one size fits all”. Judges are not interested in making sure the child is safe and healthy. They are only interested in making parents happy enough so they don’t have to deal with the case again.
- Sociopaths are very good at finding people who will lie for them. This includes professionals. Luc actually found a psychologist to take the stand for him and testify that while he was at risk for a mood disorder and “socially maladaptive”, she didn’t have any concerns about him. She said all of this after learning that he had lied to her about previously receiving a psych exam and about what he did for a living (among other things).
- The courts don’t recognize psychological abuse as abuse. After only a few months of supervised visits, the judge awarded Luc unsupervised visitation with my non verbal baby boy. The judge stated that unless baby boy was returned with cigarette burns on his back, the threshold for abuse would not be met. He noted that he didn’t think Luc was a good guy, however, unless Luc was arrested, he would be allowed unsupervised visits with baby boy.
- No matter how many mistakes a sociopath makes in family court, he will always be given the chance to try again. On the day of our initial trial, Luc showed up by himself with nobody to testify on his behalf and not a shred of evidence as to who he was. He believed that the mere fact that his sperm contributed to baby boy’s life was enough for him to be awarded at least joint custody. He wanted the court to make me pay him child support so that he could continue to sit at home and play video games all day. This behavior went on for several months. Luc even tried to get jurisdiction changed to his state after he had disappeared from baby boy’s life for three months without even a phone call. For a while, I felt like I was in court with Luc every other week. These trials were sport to him and he knew that the judge would keep giving him chances. He continued to drag out proceedings and not pay his attorneys, while I drained all of my resources trying to show the courts who his true motivation – money, power, and terror.
- Perjury might still be against the law, but don’t count on it being enforced. Luc is a pathological liar. Throughout the custody war, my lawyers were able to catch Luc in several lies. Let me just give you an example of one of the basic and most glaring lies Luc told to the court. About half way through the year, Luc’s age changed. The age he testified to at the original trial was false (even though he had managed to obtain an official drivers license with that fake age). When we were able to prove this lie through official Social Security and Department of Homeland Security records, he pretended as though he had never testified under oath to a different age. This ridiculousness continued throughout the custody war.
In the year since I left Luc, many people have questioned how I got myself into this situation. Here is the best answer I can come up with:
If you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water, he will jump out; however, if you put that frog in a pot of cold water and slowly bring it to a boil — before too long, you are going to have one dead frog. (In case it’s still not clear…I am the frog and Luc is the pot of boiling water)
The sad reality is that my war with Luc is far from over. Each day, I wake up wondering if I will end up like his older sons mother (in a grave). I have many days when I get discouraged by our terribly ignorant justice system. What is my silver lining, my ray of hope, and why I keep fighting? My baby boy. He is my guardian angel and the reason I wake up every day. I have been through a hell worse than I could ever have imagined in the last year, but I will do it all over again and for the rest of my life if I have to in order to save my son.
queen,
think about what he knows about you. Does he know about your facebook, your friends, associates, habits or whatever?
Then use those channels of communication to plant disinformation.
They like to spy on us, so give them something to spy on.
I call this “selective gray rock”. I wrote an article about it. Search love fraud for it. It describes how animals do this to protect their children from predators.
Boundaries with spaths…..good discussion.
For me, telling or indicating what we will (and, won’t) allow is an announcement to challenge. Since spaths have no recognition of any types of boundaries, any indication (verbal, or otherwise) of what we expect and won’t allow is met with an all-out campaign to trample those boundaries.
“Acting” as if visitation/custody isn’t a “big deal” is probably the hardest thing that a non-spath parent can do, IMHO. Perhaps, if I had done this with the first exspath, it wouldn’t have been such a horror show in court appearances.
If the spath, through omission or outright misiniformation, believes that taking the child(ren) for visitation/custody is going to provide much-needed rest, relaxation, a night out, or will be a “help” for us to attend classes/jobs, they’ll drop their efforts, eventually. Their intent, on every level, is to inflict damage. Financial, emotional, spiritual, physical damage.
Then, there is the notion of “alienation of affection,” when one parent actively attempts to prevent the other parent from contact with their offspring. This is a “legal concept” that is utterly flawed, but still used as an argument, today. Courts are not interested in individual cases – they aren’t. They want the parties to sit down, shut up, and get out of their courtrooms with as little fuss as possible. Whether one party has a mountain of evidence against the other that is valid and clearly demonstrates that the other party is dangerous, manipulative, fraudulent, irresponsible, and cruel DOES NOT MATTER (caps for emphasis, only). Sorting through the “evidence” takes up valuable time, and very few judges are willing to give more than 10 minutes to any given case or complaint.
This is the hardest truth to process for any non-spath parent. The Court simply does not care about our individual situations. The louder we shout (literally, or figuratively), the deafer the Court becomes until even the reports of Law Enforcement and case workers are rendered into white noise.
The only remedy that I can see for this issue is a complete overhaul of every legal system. Penalties need to be implemented with acts of violence, fraud, and manipulations. These things should be defined as “criminal acts” and consequences for these actions be dealt accordingly. These are my personal beliefs.
Having said all of that, it isn’t “against the law” for people to be jackasses. There is no real or true penalty for emotional abuse even though there really should be.
Brightest blessings
Darwinsmom, I get what you are saying – and I agree with you, too. The reason why it’s counter-intuitive is because of the very strong and constant message I used to get that one must always state (face-to-face) one’s concern and boundaries, then bring it up again, then lay down the consequence, etc. etc., eg Cloud and Townsend’s book Boundaries. I also used to read their other books, like “Who’s Pushing Your Buttons” and they always used to emphasize the process. After devouring about 6 of their books, it was hard for me to do anything else. Their advice is also pretty much why my mind was wrecked, as it exposed me to a lot of abuse.
I am about to reply to his latest communication in the booklet – I hang on to it as long as possible so I don’t get the booklet back in my letterbox. But if I hang on for too long, he comes to the door, claiming that I have not responded to him, leaving him no choice. I am about to do what the policewoman adviced, which was to tell him when it was OK to come to the door. I don’t think it is ever OK, so I am going to write “Please do not come to my front door – if you have something for the kids, please give it to them when you see them. Leave them outside if you can’t wait. If you wish to speak to S1 [who doesn’t ever see him or respond to him], please email him yourself.”
But I guess that would be just provoking him to see how he can get around it. But the police are not willing to do anything without me being clearer about it(with documented proof). Of course, I know I have been clear enough with my messages – for goodness sake, I divorced him, is that not clear enough to most sensible people? But he is the type to coerce you into saying what you know he will twist. He likes to “educate” people and keep them accountable (he despises hints). Many pastors have told me before to be straight with him because he doesn’t take hints. That’s when things escalated – when I started to be straight. It put me in danger, but I’m glad there was no more living in denial.
OK – here goes then. If it works, good. If it doesn’t, I’ll get back to the policewoman, and say, “Now will you do something?!”
Truthspeak, I know someone here who is intending to try to overhaul the legal system. Sick of being dismissed as a victim, she will not stop before she attacks and dismantles the legal system and the police, and the lame domestic violence services, etc. She says the problem is that they all know that victims will eventually shut up and go away, and since there are no financial consequences for the government, nobody cares. But if the 30% of married women who are being abused speak up and hold the forces who should be helping accountable, they have to take notice and do something to protect the victims and punish the perpetrators instead of the reverse.
My advice, not-too-late, DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR. No matter what. No matter how long he persists. DON’T ANSWER THE DOOR. Let him waste HIS TIME AND ENERGY being a jack-ass.
Is there some way you could rig your porch electrically to push a button from inside and send an electical shock through him after about an hour? A video camara would come in handy, just in case there are legal ramifications,,,,then you could prove harrassment.
Nottoolate, I am not able to get a grasp on your current situation and it’s strictly due to my own ability to process information, right now.
From what I’m gathering, you’re being harassed because the spath is manipulating a court order for visitation? If this is the case, there is another avenue that may apply, depending upon various things, but it still may be an option.
Courts can appoint a “guardian ad litem” to represent the best interests of the children. Now, having said that, it is vital to understand that “family” members are often appointed this task, and they tend to “take sides.” An independent attorney is probably the best option, but this option comes with a serious warning: the GAL represents what they believe to be in the best interests of the children, only. Being attorneys, they tend to follow the general belief that both parents have “rights,” even when it is painfully clear that one of the parents has “an agenda.”
I mentioned boundaries, above, and it’s an extreme challenge to do this with spaths. The boundaries must never be implied, spoken, or written. The non-spath parent must simply “act.” By “act,” I mean that the non-spath parent knows what the spath is bent upon, and makes every effort to anticipate what would make the spath believe that they were causing the greatest inconvenience or discomfort.
For instance, a scheduled communication (you determine when you will respond without any indication of this approach) about visitation might go like this: he sends 40 texts in 3 days about visitation. Third day and 40 texts later, you respond with, “Saturday would be great! I’ll be able to _____.” And, end of text. No instructions, no written or implied expectations – just a set time that you will be available to deliver the children between 9-10am, and after that you’re off to whatever wonderful activity that you filled in the blank with. NO THREATS, either (caps for emphasis, not yelling). This means that you don’t respond with, “Be there between 9-10, or you don’t get your kids.” No threats, of any kind. Simply, “I will be available between 9-10.” No additional, “…after that, blah, blah, blah.”
If the spath believes that making you wait until 1pm for him to collect the children will cause you misery, he’s going to do it. And, sometimes, they won’t show at all, so the non-spath parent is sitting with the children dressed, packed, and ready to go, and the spath never shows up. A day of anticipation is wasted for the children, and your time is stolen. So……do you see where this is going?
Save and record all communications if you are forced to “co-parent” with a spath. This includes your own responses. Document, document, document. That way, if he starts clamouring for more time, you can clearly and factually demonstrate that he has no interest in “more time,” but only in raising the children’s hopes of a visitation, only to dash them. Very matter-of-fact and no emotions.
Personally, if he’s coming to your door at all hours of the day and night, I am in complete agreement with Kim Frederick’s observations. If he continues to persist, it may be necessary to contact the police, but I don’t know your whole situation and that could actually cause him to become violent. So, only you know what this spath is capable of, and you’ll have to gauge those possibilities, yourself.
Brightest blessings to you
Cappuccinoqueen – welcome to Lovefraud 🙂
I salute you for your bravery, and I know that your story will both inspire and comfort others. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences… stay strong, you’re among good friends here.
With love
Mel xxx
Truthspeak,
Thanks so much for your input.
I can understand the difficulty in processing information. I find it hard to even sometimes read back my own writing, much less understand it! I really try to read the stories so I can learn as much as possible for them, and I really thank CQ, skylar, darwinsmom, etc for sharing their experiences.
#1 – no court order. My first question was to CQ to ask if she would have gone through the court system if she had to do it all over again. I am avoiding it, ex is threatening.
#2 – Ex has decided not to respond to texts or emails. I once withdrew the kids because of that. He started again but has stopped, this time starting a communication booklet. He did that cos I stopped reading his letters. I don’t answer the phone. So the only way I can tell him something is to do it by the booklet.
#3 – I answer the doorbell because the kids run to the door and no matter how many times I tell them not to answer it, they (esp the younger one) always do if they see their dad. If I don’t give them what their dad has bought, they get upset.
#4 – I have been to the police. The policewoman said that if he coming to see the kids or under the guise of kids, then he was within his rights since he is a parent. She suggested telling him the times I found acceptable.
#5 – Every time I have tried to negotiate a parental plan/visitation schedule, either by text or through a mediator (6 times), it has failed. Surprise, surprise. Yet, when I took him to court over breach of property orders, he told the court I refuse to communicate with him, and in spite of my pages of documents, the judge believed him, and wouldn’t listen to me, he just wanted to tell me off and he told me that I should talk to him.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. It’s great we now have access to knowledge like this.
Hey all, if I don’t respond or post the following days (and today) it’s because I’m moving tomorrow. Have been running around to every civil institution for address change, the post to refer my post to new address, the municipial distric for change of residency parking card from old to new address, deconstructing all the closets and bed, putting all the china and fragile stuff in boxes, getting boxes and their non-fragile content to what is already standing in the new home. From tomorrow I won’t have internet until the 9th. It’s time for my matrass because it will be an early, long and hard physical working day again tomorrow.
Not-too-late, I hope you can find some advice and ideas to use in your particular case 🙂
Hey Darwins,
Does your new home have room for one old geezer and two wiener dogs?