Custody cases are often referred to as “custody battles”. Lately when I hear this term, I have to chuckle to myself because a “battle” seems so mild and finite compared to what I have been dealing with since the night I fled my ex’s house with my newborn son.
A “battle” might be an appropriate title when the case is between two rational parents. If you are dealing with a sociopath in a child custody case, however, you are probably experiencing what feels more like a war. Some battles are won and some are lost, but it is never just ONE battle with a person like this. I am blessed to be able to share my war stories in hopes to give others ammunition that I didn’t have (and maybe even gather some tips/weapons from others who have been here before me).
My story begins…
The first time I walked into my lawyers office, I probably looked like a crazy woman (and to some degree that is how I felt). I still remember the black sweat pajamas and spit up stained shirt I was wearing that day. These were the only clothes I owned because they had been the ones I fled Lucifer’s house wearing (Lucifer is what I am calling the psychopath – Luc for short). My two week old son was in my arms, despair and fear were the written all over my face, and I was visibly shaking as I held out my hand to meet my new attorneys.
As I sat in their office and told my story, I felt their judgement and disbelief. They had seen so many scorned women come through their office with false accusations and unbelievable stories. To them, I was just another one of these women who was determined to get some sort of revenge on her ex. It took me nearly a year to convince them that we were not dealing with a normal and healthy man. That, in fact, we were dealing with someone who very likely had a dangerous personality disorder – a sociopath.
A little background:
Just a few short weeks after my son was born, Lucifer’s mask fell. After he threatened to kill me, me and baby boy fled the house and never looked back. In the weeks that followed that horrible night, I learned more about Luc than I knew about him in the whole two years we dated. What I learned was very disturbing and, frankly, continues to scare the hell out of me. I learned he had lied to me about everything from his name and age to how he made his money. I also learned that two of the most important women in his life died of unnatural causes. While a lot of terrible things seem to happen around Luc, he has yet to be convicted of any crimes.
Things I have learned from my Custody War:
- Family court is not about what is best for the child. It is only about dealing with parents. Every time I hear people talk about “father’s rights” and “two parents are better than one” I want to throw up. Again, these might be totally justified ideas when the father is not a sociopath. Family court is “one size fits all”. Judges are not interested in making sure the child is safe and healthy. They are only interested in making parents happy enough so they don’t have to deal with the case again.
- Sociopaths are very good at finding people who will lie for them. This includes professionals. Luc actually found a psychologist to take the stand for him and testify that while he was at risk for a mood disorder and “socially maladaptive”, she didn’t have any concerns about him. She said all of this after learning that he had lied to her about previously receiving a psych exam and about what he did for a living (among other things).
- The courts don’t recognize psychological abuse as abuse. After only a few months of supervised visits, the judge awarded Luc unsupervised visitation with my non verbal baby boy. The judge stated that unless baby boy was returned with cigarette burns on his back, the threshold for abuse would not be met. He noted that he didn’t think Luc was a good guy, however, unless Luc was arrested, he would be allowed unsupervised visits with baby boy.
- No matter how many mistakes a sociopath makes in family court, he will always be given the chance to try again. On the day of our initial trial, Luc showed up by himself with nobody to testify on his behalf and not a shred of evidence as to who he was. He believed that the mere fact that his sperm contributed to baby boy’s life was enough for him to be awarded at least joint custody. He wanted the court to make me pay him child support so that he could continue to sit at home and play video games all day. This behavior went on for several months. Luc even tried to get jurisdiction changed to his state after he had disappeared from baby boy’s life for three months without even a phone call. For a while, I felt like I was in court with Luc every other week. These trials were sport to him and he knew that the judge would keep giving him chances. He continued to drag out proceedings and not pay his attorneys, while I drained all of my resources trying to show the courts who his true motivation – money, power, and terror.
- Perjury might still be against the law, but don’t count on it being enforced. Luc is a pathological liar. Throughout the custody war, my lawyers were able to catch Luc in several lies. Let me just give you an example of one of the basic and most glaring lies Luc told to the court. About half way through the year, Luc’s age changed. The age he testified to at the original trial was false (even though he had managed to obtain an official drivers license with that fake age). When we were able to prove this lie through official Social Security and Department of Homeland Security records, he pretended as though he had never testified under oath to a different age. This ridiculousness continued throughout the custody war.
In the year since I left Luc, many people have questioned how I got myself into this situation. Here is the best answer I can come up with:
If you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water, he will jump out; however, if you put that frog in a pot of cold water and slowly bring it to a boil — before too long, you are going to have one dead frog. (In case it’s still not clear…I am the frog and Luc is the pot of boiling water)
The sad reality is that my war with Luc is far from over. Each day, I wake up wondering if I will end up like his older sons mother (in a grave). I have many days when I get discouraged by our terribly ignorant justice system. What is my silver lining, my ray of hope, and why I keep fighting? My baby boy. He is my guardian angel and the reason I wake up every day. I have been through a hell worse than I could ever have imagined in the last year, but I will do it all over again and for the rest of my life if I have to in order to save my son.
Yup 🙂 As long as Darwin can boss the wieners around 😉
Darwinsmom, my son is only 13 months old…so he is no wear near old enough to be used as a pawn to gain information. On one hand that is good as for safety reasons I don’t want him knowing anything about my schedule, but it would be nice for him to ask baby boy about how I feel about the visits only for baby to tell him mama was so happy he gets to spend time with his father because she has a hot date or something equally as annoying for him.
Thank you all for your great tips. For the time being, I am going to try and work the supervisor (he has worked her too much for my liking). I will start out by saying how I have really had a change in heart and how excited I am to get my life back and start dating and how helpful the “free babysitting” on a Saturday will be for me. Maybe if I explain how weekends are the best time for me because I will have some time for myself, he will change the schedule. LOL
I don’t have ANYONE in common with him. I met him online and since he doesn’t have any friends…I don’t know anyone who is still in contact with him. I am in contact with his family members, but they too think he is a criminal and want nothing to do with him. I think in this situation my only bet is to try and get the supervisor to leak that I am having a great time and am happy that he is “stepping up” and spending so much time. (and its certainly cheaper than paying the nanny 15 bucks and hr.)
Luckily, I couldn’t be like this to his face because I am just not there yet. If I saw him in person I would still be mad enough to spit in his face. If he is around long enough (without getting arrested) for my son to be old enough to talk…the best I can do will likely try and stay silent and not bad mouth him to baby boy. That alone will take super human strength. I just pray that he wont have enough access over the long term to mentally kill baby boy like he has killed his older son in spirit.
queen,
think carefully. remember that when you put out information it can bite you, so only do the minimum that you have to.
In this case, you don’t have to say you are happy about him stepping up to the plate. It’s better if you don’t. But use the $$ angle instead. Tell the supervisor that as much as you don’t like Luc, you are still appreciative for the money you save on babysitting when he takes the child. Tell her you get so much done, shopping, housework etc…
Put out hints, which can be subject to interpretation, rather than straight out statements. Make people who might be in contact with him, think that money is tight for you and free babysitting is always appreciated.
This is what spaths do. They don’t always tell a bald face lie, often, they “paint a picture” and let others assume things about them. That’s why they have wives: it’s part of a facade.
I would not trust his family members AT ALL. They will SAY they don’t like him and it may be true, but that doesn’t mean they are good people. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and there is a reason why Luc is all f*cked up and it has to do with his family. Nothing is cut and dried here. They may be fence sitters, who jump off as soon as the drama starts, or they may be two faced. Some may be good people but naive, just as we used to be, and they can’t be trusted for that reason.
I’m sorry to tell you but once you have a spath in your life, it’s as if you’ve joined some kind of spy network with double and triple agents everywhere. You will have to withhold your trust from everyone except the MOST trustworthy people. Spaths have the uncanny ability to sniff out people’s weaknesses. They can con as the day is long. Think out your plans carefully, there is always risk.
Remember, when the parent birds have fledglings on the ground, the parents will feign a broken wing to attract any nearby predators. That’s to distract the predator from their REAL vulnerability: their offspring.
Nature offers us many examples of what to do to protect against predators. Take inspiration from that.
cappuccinoqueen, I commend you in sharing your story with us and I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m going through a similar “war” with my ex spath. I’ve been a long time reader of Lovefraud (4+ years) and I used to have an account but I forgot the info so I signed up again so I could talk to you.
I believe you would be making a big mistake telling the supervisor that you are at all happy about your son being with Luc in my opinion! That will make its way back to court and you don’t want the judge to think that it is okay with you and you definitely don’t want him to think you are money-motivated as well. You really don’t want to add fuel to the fire, they will come up with enough on their own.
One year is not a long time to disconnect from a spath, especially when you are wrapped up in a custody case like this…so I understand where you are and where you’re coming from, but for your own good you have got to get over your feelings of wanting to get to him or spit in his face. It’s not healthy for you or your baby boy. I know they are such a-holes it’s hard not to feel that way but once you get it in your head that you are going to do the very best thing for your son (within your powers) as possible you will be much better off mentally and emotionally and, naturally, so will your son. I wouldn’t even pretend to be happy he is with him and I don’t think it would make him spend less time with him anyway. This is the only way he still has power over you and they will always do all they can to avoid having to pay support. Plus being a single dad is always a great facade for them to trap their next victim. The only way he is going to give up his time is when you get custody and there is really nothing he can do in a weekend that you can’t undo in 2 weeks. It’s very difficult and heart breaking but you just have to focus on your son and yourself and let the petty stuff go. Even though I know it doesn’t seem petty, if you look at the big picture, it is. Plus referring to him as a baby sitter is not looked upon fondly in court these days when they consider fathers rights.
I’ve been going through a custody “war” with my ex spath for over 4 years and I’d like to think I’ve learned a few things along the way. Mostly how to keep my sanity in the midst of all the insanity and how to be happy and put it in God’s hands, He has plans for all of us. Your son will always be #1 but you need to be #2 because you can’t properly care for him when you’re wrapped up in vengeful thoughts.
I hope this doesn’t come across as harsh, I’m not too great at online communication, I’m much more sympathetic in person. Best of luck and I look forward to reading your future posts and watching you bloom as you talk to all the wonderful people on this site. I’ve noticed it’s the best of the best that these spaths target…
CappuccinoQueen, I believe that Skylar has hit the nail on the proverbial head for you.
We (me included) want desperately for people to “get it” about the spath. The masks, illusions, and facades are so carefully constructed that it’s nigh-on-impossible to know who is friend and whom is foe (or, minion).
For me, keeping my cards close to my vest is the hardest task because I’ve always felt compelled to “explain” myself or “defend” myself. And, this is what happens with spath entanglements – we are gaslighted, duped, coerced, and betrayed on so many levels that we are compelled to speak aobut our experiences, especially to agencies that we “believe” will hear the thruths and make “good decisions,” or rulings
As Skylar has pointed out: trust nobody, especially his family, friends, and any “mutual” friends that you both had, together.
Take time to study precisely how the spath has coerced people into serving his needs: through lies-by-omission, hints, and unspoken threats. We don’t necessarily need to speak openly to cause other people to draw their own conclusions. And, though this is alien behavior for us, rest assured that spaths have a keen ability to “read” their targets, the target vulnerabilities, and can pretty much predict how targets will react or respond to even the most veiled or implied suggestion.
This is not to say that we should take our cues from spaths, but NOT saying anything is often more powerful than any emotional or rational response. Please, note that CAPS are used for emphasis, only.
Brightest blessings to you
Let me rephrase there is not a lot he can do in 2 days that you cannot undo in 2 weeks. My son used to come home after the weekend with his dad and wouldn’t even talk to me or tell me he loved me (at 2 and 3 years old) sometimes he would just cry uncontrollably and once told me his dad told him to. But I just gave him his space and I was as kind as always and he would warm up after a few hours and after a day or two, he was back to himself. I do not talk badly about his dad in front of him but he’s already come to me now, he’s 6, and talked to me about his Dad lying and told me he doesn’t trust him. Just do what is right and your son will learn. Children are very resilient.
I have had the same thing happen to me, although my ex finally is going to prison for fraud. It was a complete war because I wanted supervised visits for him because I was getting calls from prostitutes giving me stories about where my 2 yr old was when he went with his dad. And of course there are so many horrifying things involving fraud, prostitution, drugs, and yet they still needed more proof and my 4th attorney tells me our system is reactive and not proactive….that my child needs to be harmed before they do anything. Horrifying!
I finally tried throwing incentives my ex’s way with money. Because afterall, he starting stealing from my credit cards first, along with forging my life insurance policy ha. They love money, especially when they can con you into it, steal it, or don’t have to work for it. I would try sweetening the deal with them, because my ex finally signed for supervised. Of course, he still takes me to court for everything. Documentation of things are very very key. Videos, pictures, even taking pictures of text messages will save you a ton of time before each new trial.
The other aspect is make sure on your end you follow court orders to a T and hold him accountable any one time he does NOT follow them. It builds history. I tried the perjury too. I got tape recordings of past court hearings when he would lie. Continue to document these things and get them on record. The most important thing that I have found to be helpful is getting an attorney who is very detail oriented with preparation and questioning. Most good attorneys will prepare their questions ahead of time. And with a sociopath, it can not be any other way. I have spent sooo much money becasue most attorneys are not used to this many questions (in order to sort through all of the lies). And preparing this much costs a lot! You can also contact your bar association in your state to see if you can get a reduced rate attorney. Make sure you interview the attorney first before hiring them! Hope this helps!
Thank you all for your great advice. I really appreciate it.
SublimeGirl, don’t worry about sounding harsh. You have made some great points. I think I am going to try and play it cool with the supervisor and just give her as little info as possible and let her share info with me. I don’t trust her all that much because she seemed to sing his praises in court while telling me on the side she thinks he will take off with my son or try and kill me in a year.
Finding good legal counsel has been one of the hardest parts. My lawyers don’t seem to want to call him on all the lies. They have a tendency to pick and choose and pretend they just know what the judge will care about and what he won’t. Also, it has been like pulling teeth to get my lawyer to just write down all his questions before court. He claims he likes to change his mind, etc depending on how things are going. He got a ton of lies down on paper during the deposition and then in court just glossed over stuff.
Great, I’m glad you didn’t take it that way. You have to be so careful with people like this. The less they know, the better. Any information is used to try and control you. That stinks about both the supervisor and the attorney. In some states it is legal to record a conversation without the other parties permission. You should look into the laws in your state and if you can record the supervisor saying something like that, I definitely would. My attorney is somewhat the same way in that when I bring up points that I think need to be discussed (also to sort through the lies and really paint a picture of my ex – without calling him a sociopath) he often shrugs things off and I am never able to just tell him a story – not even a succinct one – I basically can only answer whatever questions I’m asked and can’t elaborate and in court it’s the same. This system is truly flawed and the children are suffering. I don’t think judges in charge of children should be elected or over-paid or anything like that that would influence their decision making process but I’m not in charge, just a pawn in this f’d up game of chess. I remind myself though that God is in charge and He does everything for a reason and I believe if we give it all we’ve got, he will manage the rest for us. It keeps me going sometimes when I feel like throwing up my hands. Also since my ex was abusive and he keeps my son from me I find solace in the fact that the federal law says the judge HAS to consider those facts and if he gives custody to my ex I read that he has to put his reasons in writing (because I have so much proof of the abuse) so if it doesn’t go my son’s way, I plan on appealing to a higher court. Just take it all one step at a time however when you feel up to it, doing a little research about what rights you have and what you CAN do can help put your mind at ease.
Lots of good ideas on this thread — I’ll add my own thoughts:
1) Don’t try to electroshock the visiting ex OR refuse to answer the phone when he calls, even if he calls excessively. I was once in court and saw the judge go off on a woman who had “blocked” her ex husband’s phone calls, because she was supposedly trying to limit the ex’s ability to talk to his children. The judge was angry with her, even though her testimony was that the ex was calling over and over every single evening, even during dinner, etc. My ex also used to do this — he would try to stay on the phone with the children as much as possible during the evening in order to disrupt our time together, even though he had 50% custody. As soon as the court case ended, so did the phone calls. He was documenting all of the phone calls that he made, and making a log book to show how involved he was. It was very maddening, as he would pump the kids for info: “What did you have for dinner? Did your mother take you swimming today? Did she take you to the park?” Horrible, but it finally ended. In the meantime, keep your own logbook of how he is calling over and over in the same evening, during dinner, and pumping the kids for information. Try putting the kids on speakerphone so that he knows that you know what questions he is asking the kids.
2) If you have to pick a lawyer, consider spending a day or two or more at the courthouse, watching various lawyers in action in front of various judges. You will learn what annoys each judge, and you will see which lawyers are inexperienced, compromise on everything, are unprepared and try to “wing it”, etc.
3) Remember always that angry, hostile, sarcastic, bitter people, especially women, never win anything at all in Family Court. Always present the image of someone who is trying to make the best of a bad situation, trying to move on with life, only wants the best for the kids, etc.
4) Skylar: I saw a newspaper interview with a retired principal one time — he said that he ALWAYS ruthlessly enforced the dress code at the high school, because if the kids were always trying to work around the dress code they put so much energy into that process that they stayed out of worse trouble.
5) If you don’t want to “say” anything to the person who transfers the baby from you to the ex, just dress up, and when you spray on perfume, make sure the baby is sitting in your lap or nearby. Even if the “third party” fails to pass on the information that you were dressed to the nines, the baby’s aroma will tell all when he arrives at the ex’s house!
6) Not too late: The days are endless, but the months and years will fly by. Let him write his War and Peace notes — he is wasting HIS time, not yours.
7) Truthspeak: I can never keep straight who on this website lives in the USA, and who lives in Britain or Australia, but if you are in the USA, and if you are free to move, look into Section 8 housing in one of the more rural counties either near where you are now, or somewhere else in the country. I don’t know what the situation is at the moment, since the economy has been so bad for so long, but as of 2006, there was no waiting list at all in the county where I now live, although the waiting list in Southern California at that time was five to eight years long. Section 8 allows you to move to the rental housing of your choice, either an apartment or a single family house, and they even have programs to help you use your Section 8 benefit to build or buy a house of your own.
8) Annie O: I had 50/50 custody for about two years. When we went back into the court system, they appointed a new psychologist, and he told me that they were no longer doing 50/50 custody schedules, because they were inherently unstable, as they created all kinds of school and extracurricular scheduling issues. Deal with the 50/50 custody for a while if you have to, and document all of the activities that the child is missing out on due to the crazy schedule. This is how I got out from under 50/50 scheduling. Whenever an opportunity for the kids would come up (like swimming lessons) I would try to work with the Ex to allow the children to attend the program. Ex would never agree, because he didn’t want to have to do half of the driving, and he didn’t want me to do 100% of the driving (which I offered to do) because that would make him look bad in court. So the children didn’t get to do anything. When we finally went back to court 18 months later, I had documentation of all the activities that I had tried to put the children into, and the Ex had vetoed everything. He ended up looking just like the obstructionist jerk that he is.
Also, consider telling your ex that you have come to accept the fact that custody will be shared, and that the child is now getting older and can handle it better, etc. Dress up as though you are going somewhere, and then force yourself to go out, in case the ex is watching to see if you really leave. As far as 50/50 schedules go, or really any schedule where the ex-husband has very significant blocks of time, they often think that their mom or sister or neighbor is going to “help out” when they have an emergency, or that you will come running every time little Timmie starts to cramp his lifestyle. When they finally get their huge block of custody time, reality sets in. The new girlfriend is NOT willing to screw up her own career by taking charge of Little Timmie and his endless appointments, and granny and the next door neighbor also have lives of their own to lead. If he calls you to tell you about his “emergency” then go help him out, but s-l-o-w-l-y so that he is definitely late to work or misses his plane, or is late picking up his new girlfriend, etc.
My ex once called me and when I didn’t pick up the phone the first time he called, he left a message saying that I had to pick up the phone because it was an EMERGENCY. But the kids were with me at the time, so how could there be an emergency? The reality was that he wanted to rework the custody schedule to his advantage on a temporary basis. The emergency was that he needed me to provide him with free babysitting.