Custody cases are often referred to as “custody battles”. Lately when I hear this term, I have to chuckle to myself because a “battle” seems so mild and finite compared to what I have been dealing with since the night I fled my ex’s house with my newborn son.
A “battle” might be an appropriate title when the case is between two rational parents. If you are dealing with a sociopath in a child custody case, however, you are probably experiencing what feels more like a war. Some battles are won and some are lost, but it is never just ONE battle with a person like this. I am blessed to be able to share my war stories in hopes to give others ammunition that I didn’t have (and maybe even gather some tips/weapons from others who have been here before me).
My story begins…
The first time I walked into my lawyers office, I probably looked like a crazy woman (and to some degree that is how I felt). I still remember the black sweat pajamas and spit up stained shirt I was wearing that day. These were the only clothes I owned because they had been the ones I fled Lucifer’s house wearing (Lucifer is what I am calling the psychopath – Luc for short). My two week old son was in my arms, despair and fear were the written all over my face, and I was visibly shaking as I held out my hand to meet my new attorneys.
As I sat in their office and told my story, I felt their judgement and disbelief. They had seen so many scorned women come through their office with false accusations and unbelievable stories. To them, I was just another one of these women who was determined to get some sort of revenge on her ex. It took me nearly a year to convince them that we were not dealing with a normal and healthy man. That, in fact, we were dealing with someone who very likely had a dangerous personality disorder – a sociopath.
A little background:
Just a few short weeks after my son was born, Lucifer’s mask fell. After he threatened to kill me, me and baby boy fled the house and never looked back. In the weeks that followed that horrible night, I learned more about Luc than I knew about him in the whole two years we dated. What I learned was very disturbing and, frankly, continues to scare the hell out of me. I learned he had lied to me about everything from his name and age to how he made his money. I also learned that two of the most important women in his life died of unnatural causes. While a lot of terrible things seem to happen around Luc, he has yet to be convicted of any crimes.
Things I have learned from my Custody War:
- Family court is not about what is best for the child. It is only about dealing with parents. Every time I hear people talk about “father’s rights” and “two parents are better than one” I want to throw up. Again, these might be totally justified ideas when the father is not a sociopath. Family court is “one size fits all”. Judges are not interested in making sure the child is safe and healthy. They are only interested in making parents happy enough so they don’t have to deal with the case again.
- Sociopaths are very good at finding people who will lie for them. This includes professionals. Luc actually found a psychologist to take the stand for him and testify that while he was at risk for a mood disorder and “socially maladaptive”, she didn’t have any concerns about him. She said all of this after learning that he had lied to her about previously receiving a psych exam and about what he did for a living (among other things).
- The courts don’t recognize psychological abuse as abuse. After only a few months of supervised visits, the judge awarded Luc unsupervised visitation with my non verbal baby boy. The judge stated that unless baby boy was returned with cigarette burns on his back, the threshold for abuse would not be met. He noted that he didn’t think Luc was a good guy, however, unless Luc was arrested, he would be allowed unsupervised visits with baby boy.
- No matter how many mistakes a sociopath makes in family court, he will always be given the chance to try again. On the day of our initial trial, Luc showed up by himself with nobody to testify on his behalf and not a shred of evidence as to who he was. He believed that the mere fact that his sperm contributed to baby boy’s life was enough for him to be awarded at least joint custody. He wanted the court to make me pay him child support so that he could continue to sit at home and play video games all day. This behavior went on for several months. Luc even tried to get jurisdiction changed to his state after he had disappeared from baby boy’s life for three months without even a phone call. For a while, I felt like I was in court with Luc every other week. These trials were sport to him and he knew that the judge would keep giving him chances. He continued to drag out proceedings and not pay his attorneys, while I drained all of my resources trying to show the courts who his true motivation – money, power, and terror.
- Perjury might still be against the law, but don’t count on it being enforced. Luc is a pathological liar. Throughout the custody war, my lawyers were able to catch Luc in several lies. Let me just give you an example of one of the basic and most glaring lies Luc told to the court. About half way through the year, Luc’s age changed. The age he testified to at the original trial was false (even though he had managed to obtain an official drivers license with that fake age). When we were able to prove this lie through official Social Security and Department of Homeland Security records, he pretended as though he had never testified under oath to a different age. This ridiculousness continued throughout the custody war.
In the year since I left Luc, many people have questioned how I got myself into this situation. Here is the best answer I can come up with:
If you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water, he will jump out; however, if you put that frog in a pot of cold water and slowly bring it to a boil — before too long, you are going to have one dead frog. (In case it’s still not clear…I am the frog and Luc is the pot of boiling water)
The sad reality is that my war with Luc is far from over. Each day, I wake up wondering if I will end up like his older sons mother (in a grave). I have many days when I get discouraged by our terribly ignorant justice system. What is my silver lining, my ray of hope, and why I keep fighting? My baby boy. He is my guardian angel and the reason I wake up every day. I have been through a hell worse than I could ever have imagined in the last year, but I will do it all over again and for the rest of my life if I have to in order to save my son.
Cap~ Your story about the cancelled visit reminded of something that happened way back on my son’s first birthday. The spath used to have a four hour visit on Tuesdays and Thursdays. My son’s first birthday fell on a Wednesday so I texted him and said that he could ALSO have a visit on Wednesday so that he could see his son on his birthday.
Spath replied: No! I don’t have to do that, it is not court ordered.
*sigh* If I only knew then what I know now.
Once the spath started dating someone seriously, that is when he really came after me for more visitation. He probably lured the new g/f in with a pity ploy about his ‘horrible’ ex who lied and got a restraining order placed against him.
At some point I believe that she was telling him that he deserved this and that with his son and to push for custody. Once he started in the courts and saw that it really pushed my buttons he knew what would get to me and he looked good in the eyes of the new g/f.
Anyway, the more interaction they have with the courts and with court appointed people, the better they get at it. The spath is now a pro.
AnnieO, yea my ex made a big show in court about seeing baby boy on his birthday, then didn’t follow up, and blamed me when we went back for not handing baby to him on a silver platter. Sometimes I think he still thinks he is entitled to having me schedule and run his life like his personal secretary. For the last three months I was with him, he could barely get out of bed without me pushing him to do so. I would work eight hours and he would call and yell at me for not reminding him to handle something or schedule something for him. (meanwhile he would sit at home and play video games)
I imagine that if he is lucky enough to get a new victim, she will take my place as his personal secretary and things will get tougher for me. I just don’t understand why the courts can’t see that he doesn’t really care. If he cared…he would be trying to see the baby instead of just trying to make me look like I am blocking him. Luc actually disappeared for the first three months of Luc’s life and because I didn’t show up on his doorstep begging him to see the baby – he said I was blocking him.
I have heard so much that these people fall on their sword sooner or later…but I agree that they just become pros. My ex has been working the system for years in both family court AND criminal court. He knows how to commit crimes and go free and so playing this family court game is a breeze for him.
cappuccinoqueen,
although I didn’t have children with my exspath, I have a similar story about getting out of bed. I’ll tell it, so that you can perceive their motivations.
First, as you may know, he was poisoning me so that I was in pain for years. He never expressed sympathy and any massage I begged for lasted about 60 seconds.
So, one day he said he hurt his back and couldn’t get out of bed. He was whining and raging. A commercial for the Back-to-Life Machine came on http://www.amazon.com/BACK-IN-FIVE-LLC-Continuous/dp/B002MBHGGQ/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top
He demanded that I order one right away for him. His intent was to see me flat broke and he did this often. Instead, I suggested that “I” could be his Back-to-Life Machine. I had him lay back and I placed his knees over my shoulders (with my back to him), then I proceeded to mimic the motion of the machine by doing small “abdominal crunches”. It was really hard lifting his fat ass for him but I said, “This is GREAT EXERCISE” for me! It’s like getting an ab machine. I’m gonna have a six pack and your back will get better.”
Immediately, he said, “I feel better now. That worked. You can stop now.”
duh.
If they think you are suffering, they will continue to do whatever it is that causes your pain. If they think it makes you happy, they won’t do it. But the key, is that they are stupid enough to believe anything you present to them. You just have to think about it, for a bit and figure out how to appear happy when you aren’t and unhappy when you are happy.
I know, it’s twisted.
These stories are somehow both sad and funny, and they bring back some crazy memories for me. I remember my ex telling the psychologist that it was MY fault that he hadn’t attended any school open houses or back to school day or parent-teacher conferences because I had not notified him of the date and time. But the school that the children attended was in HIS neighborhood, and they had a sort of “flyer rack” in the lobby, so that if you lost a notification that was sent home, you could spin the rack around and replace the flyer that you had missed.
I told the psychologist that the children usually went to my ex’s house after school, not mine, and that my ex SEARCHED THE CHILDREN’S BACKBACKS every day before they went to school. The psychologist asked spath why he searched the children’s backpacks every day, and spath said it was “so that they don’t take things to school that they shouldn’t.” The psychologist started to get some very bad vibes about spath at that point, although prior to that the spath had been putting on a good show as Very Concerned Daddy.
Incidentally, if you ever have problems with missing notifications from school because of a crazy schedule, give the school receptionist or the teacher a stack of self-addressed stamped envelopes and ask them to mail you a copy of everything that is passed out on a weekly basis. It solves a lot of problems.
I thought I had hit bottom, but I think NOW bottom is finally here. I am a professional woman with two kids that are truly my greatest gift. I am a wonderful mother if I do say so myself. I have been divorced/separated 4 years and damn if it has only gotten worse. 40yr old ex had baby last year with 26yr old gf whom he was ready to breakup with. Now that he has resolved himself to his situation he has set his sights on removing me from the equation.
He emotionally leans on both kids, sharing ALL of his life’s burdens, but he has an unusually covert emotional relationship with my 13yr old daughter. Once summer vacation hit, and they spent more time together, she withdrew from me, her friends and basically life as a 13yr old. My amazingly sweet and kind 8yr old son feels abandoned by his father, even though he is over there 50% of the time, he now talks of hurting himself (I believe to get his attention).
Ex has suffered work problems (which he blames on me) and therefore his desire for vengeance has increased over these last 5 months. He has always used the kids to fulfill his own agenda but this is crazy. He is making me crazy, ruining my relationship with my daughter, emotionally hurting my son, all while harassing me.
I have hired a top notch lawyer, but like everyone on here states, the lunacy of the situation escapes her. He sets me up to fail, projects his actions onto me and basically has me spiraling. This site will hopefully help me salvage the little sanity I have left in order to climb from this abyss.
Both kids are/were in counseling, but he removed consent last week for my daughter to continue. There are just so many things wrong with what he does, yet he seems to do them more quickly and swiftly then I can keep up with lately.
worried_mom
There seems to be going something very wrong with your daughter. It’s not normal for a 13 year old to withdraw from everyone, unless she feels ashamed or guilty about something which also causes her to feel entirely different from her peers. And that he took consent away for her counseling suggests to me that he wants to prevent her from opening up to a professional. I’m getting the distinct impression that she’s keeping a secret that he wants her to keep. Mix that with her age, a budding teenager, and I think you should consider the possibility that the spath crossed a line.
Teen girls who withdrawal in such a dramatic way from the mother as well as friends are a possible hint of sexual abuse. In the case of incest the victim often feels very guilty and thorn. She may have first liked he gave her more attention in a buddy like sense, and when he crossed the line (inapropriate touches or a kiss) the victim then feels guilty thinking they invited it. They want to stop it, but don’t know how, and fear withdrawal from the ‘normal’ pleasing attention. At the same time, the victim still feels love for the abuser and feels protective of the parent, thereby shutting down out of fear the parent would go to prison if the other parent knows, the counselor knows, the friends find out, etc…
Your younger son might not know what has been going on between your daughter and the spath, but he would pick up on the fact that she’s getting much more attention and that his father has no interest whatsoever in him.
If I were you I’d ask for advice with a counselor in the hypothetical case that your daughter may be the victim of incest: how do you interact with her, how do you enhance the chances for her to open up about what is really going on, etc…
Worried_mom, I think that Darwinsmom is spot-on where your daughter is concerned. The first exspath used to force our sons to “keep secrets” and any seemingly innocent question that I asked was met with, “I’m not supposed to talk about that.” I mean, why aren’t they supposed to talk about getting involved in activities?
And, removing consent for counseling? I don’t know what State you’re in, but that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of – that one parent can refuse to allow their child to engage in counseling? What is your attorney saying about this? Is there any possibility of having a guardian ad litem appointed (non-family member) for your children?
Worried_mom, I have been in a custody battle and it’s full of expectation and ends up to be far more than a little disappointing and “unjust.” The Courts don’t want to hear any whining, even if it’s justified. They want people to cooperate and get the hell out of their courtrooms. And, it’s frustrating when one party has a mountain of documentation that clearly demonstrates that the other party is irresponsible (at the very least) and abusive (at the very worst).
I agree that I’d probably seek an individual counselor for myself to discuss my personal issues and interactions, at this point.
Brightest blessings
CappuccinoQueen, there will come a point of grudging understanding that the Courts don’t really “care” about your individual case. It’s harsh, but it’s true. Each judge in an average-sized population will hear dozens of cases in a single day. They hear the same complaints, accusations, and concerns. They “hear” all of this, but they don’t have the time or inclination to “listen.” All of the protective agency reports, assessments, and evidence goes in one ear and out the other. What the Court wants is for parents to stop “bickering” and attend to their responsibilities.
Having said that, it is a wholly and utterly unjust system. In most cases, one parent has good reason to be concerned about their child(ren) having contact with the other parent. But, on the flip side of this truth is the fact that too many other parents out there are using the system to further cause damage to all parties involved, including the child(ren).
It is a horrible situation when parents and children are ordered by the Courts to undergo psychiatric assessments, court-ordered counseling, parenting classes, etc., ad nauseum. None of this is “normal” in any situation, and it’s simply a matter of passing the buck down the line to get the parties in, and OUT, of the Courtrooms in a quick hurry.
It’s sad, but it’s true. The “welfare of the children” is never truly a consideration. I’ve posted this, before, but a friend of mine was divorced and her ex had visitation with their daughter. The ex and his new young wife (and, new mother) were arrested and convicted of sexual crimes against minors that included him trolling for teenaged girls, getting them drunk, and his new wife video recording him raping these girls. Even while this guy was out on bond, awaiting trial for these crimes, he was granted visitation with his teenaged daughter because the Judge believed that “His crimes don’t involve his daughter.” Well, they certainly DID because this young girl had to go to school, every day, knowing that her father had been featured in the newspapers and media as a result of his years of sexual crimes. She was a source of ridicule and harassment, and I don’t know what her status is, today, but it was not good the last time I spoke to my friend.
So, it may not be “fair,” but it is truth that the Courts simply don’t care, and they don’t want to hear about what’s actually happening in any individual situation.
My brightest and most comforting blessings
worried_mom, I am going to concur with some of the above ideas about your daughter. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. This situation has got to be heartbreaking.
To second some of the above comments, when you go find a psychologist make sure you seek out someone who is experienced working/studying sociopaths. I went through two psychologists before asking around and doing my own online research for someone who knew these type of people. I ended up with an amazing man who is a forensic psychologist and teaches at a local university. He has written about personality disorders and is well known in this area. That way, the person won’t look at you like you are nuts for suggesting that your ex is “just that twisted”.
While people generally respect anyone who has a PhD….not all degrees are created equally and it is important to get someone who understands this type of person. My ex was tested by a child psychologist who specialized in Autism and by the end of the testing period she became his mouthpiece and was completely useless to the court.
Truthspeak, where did this story about that man who raped teenagers happen? (i.e. what state) That is horrible but I am going through something similar. Despite how horrible my ex is…the court seems to think you can separate terrible adult actions with how the person treats a child. IMHO, you can’t. Once a criminal, always a criminal. A man who would rape and kill is capable of doing terrible things to a child and won’t think twice about that child sharing genetics.
Thank you all for your words. I know you feel for me and my beautiful kids, how can you not? It is truly difficult to believe ex crossed a line, but hasn’t he already? I am disgusted that he has created in her an emotional mate. I am disgusted the gf does not see it, but that is not really something I can dwell on.
I have a letter from daughter’s therapist, explaining why counseling was stopped (at father’s request) and hope to heck I can get her back in quickly, but of course will need court orders. As we all know, the system is laden with wait and time is not exactly something we can spare right now.
I have a wonderful therapist, but she cannot be with me every waking moment and with ex crossing more and more boundaries, almost daily and often, I am simply losing my grip.
I feel like I am in a perpetual state of needing to wait which is challenging. My lawyer is not acting as quickly as I would like, but again, she is the second best family law attorney in our state, so I need to have faith (at least for now). As truthspeak said, the courts do NOT like conflict, so my attorney is coming from a place of resolution and cooperation, allowing him to show HIS conflict.
Nothing has happened thus far, as I was slow to even go the lawyer route, but as I continued to want to co-parent he just got worse. I will never think or behave like ex, but I am grasping, FINALLY, that we will never co-parent our kids. What a depressing realization.