By Paula Carrasquillo
Editor’s note: Paula Carrasquillo is author of “Escaping the Boy My Life with a Sociopath.” Read Lovefraud’s book review.
A few years ago, I found myself in a relationship with a man who demonstrated zero empathy, zero remorse, zero compassion and seemed to lack any inkling of a conscience.
He lashed out at me often, raged and accused me of doing things I never did and of being a person I could never imagine being.
I tried desperately to make him “see the light” of his negative thinking and paranoia. But all of my pleadings and attempts to convince him that he was wrong about my intentions proved futile. The emotional, psychological and spiritual abuse he inflicted simply became more intense as time passed. And once he started emotionally abusing and harming my five-year-old son, I knew I had no choice but to abandon this man.
It was hard for me to give up on him. He seemed so lost and desperate. He was like an infant who had yet to learn the lessons of life and love.
Little did I know that he was a sociopath whose only usefulness was to teach me how not to be in this world.
What kind of crazy person would date a sociopath?
Many of you may be scratching your heads and wondering how I ended up in a relationship with such a person in the first place. It must have been my fault—I chose him after all.
Rest assured, I am not a masochist; if I had known from the onset of the relationship that I would lose myself, I would have stepped away at first glance.
Sociopaths are very charming, manipulative and cunning. As Martha Stout, Ph.D., notes in her book, The Sociopath Next Door, sociopaths are also narcissistic. Like their namesake of myth, Narcissus, narcissists appear to always and forever be gazing lovingly at themselves.
If you interpret Narcissus this way, you would be half correct. Narcissus is always and forever gazing loving at his reflection, not at himself—there is a difference.
A reflection of a person is a distortion; it is not the inner reality and nuances that reveal our nature. The narcissistic sociopath falls in love with a distorted self-image, not his spirit.
Sociopaths hide their true nature from themselves and from everybody else. Instead of being real and sharing their inner fears and shame, sociopaths present to the world an idealized reflection, a projection of who they want us to think they are and of who they desperately wish to be. These projections are mere shadows and imaginings of their surroundings and are composed of nothing real or tangible.
Just as we fail to grasp the ebbing and flowing tides, we fail to grasp the true nature of the sociopath. From victim to victim, the sociopath changes to fit the world’s expectations of him.
How does the sociopath project a self-image to the world that seems so real to us? Although the sociopath commits no time to self-reflection, the sociopath studies and mocks our nature, the nature of good people, daily. Our surface nature, the things we say and do, are what the sociopath uses to fool us.
When we first meet a sociopath, we would never guess he/she is a sociopath. They seem to act like us and think like us and have the same drive as us. We think the sociopath is normal and healthy and filled with the same wonders and imaginings we have.
Why would we ever think the sociopath was a sociopath?
We are easily fooled, because the sociopath has mastered the art of mimicking and reflecting back onto us our behaviors and conditionings, good and bad. We have unknowingly been the personal and collective Pavlov’s dog for all of the millions of sociopaths in the world today. (Think Jodi Arias, Drew Peterson, Scott Peterson, Michelle Michael and Josh Powell; all excellent examples of how society has been fooled by sociopaths who toss our ability to relate and empathize back at us in order to gain our pity and understanding.)
However, the tide is shifting. More and more victims and survivors of sociopaths are coming forward, sharing their stories and bringing awareness to the masses of the existence and prevalence of sociopaths among us. We are learning how to spot these predators, and they aren’t who and what we have been conditioned to believe.
What is a sociopath, exactly?
According to Stout, sociopaths make up 4% of western society. That’s about 1 in 25 people walking around among us without a conscience, without the ability to measure, or care to measure, the morality of their decisions and actions.
Unlike what we read on the television news or see in Hollywood movies, sociopaths aren’t just serial killers and murderers. Rather, they are members of our communities, possibly our mothers and fathers, our doctors, our lawyers, our judges and even our lovers, who seamlessly blend into society with the rest of us.
Dr. Robert D. Hare, Ph.D., author of  Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us , has developed a list of 20 sociopathic traits (available on the Key Symptoms page of Lovefraud.com).
Keep in mind that in order for someone to be suspected of being a sociopath and accurately diagnosed, at least 10 of these traits must occur as an all-pervasive, repeated pattern of behavior. More importantly, if and when the individual is called out on any one of these negative behaviors, that person is unaffected by any hurt or harm they have caused. In their minds, their behavior is justified and everyone else is just a bunch of suckers for having been fooled.
Why didn’t you just leave?
I did leave. I left him twice, but both times I was wracked with guilt for abandoning him, so I returned. Regardless of my gut repeatedly telling me to get out and stay out, I ignored my instincts, because I honestly thought he could be “fixed” and that I was the one who could help him.
I was clueless about Hare’s list and had no knowledge of Stout’s book. I did not understand that, as a sociopath, he was incapable of changing his behavior.
I tried. But regardless of my many attempts to meet the demands he placed on me in the relationship, I failed.
He repeatedly accused me of not loving him enough, of cheating on him, of choosing my son before him (like that’s a bad thing), of not paying enough attention to him, of not needing him the way he needed me to need him and of behaving as if I mattered. (But I do matter, right?)
I was a bad mother, a hateful girlfriend, and a disrespectful human being. Imagine the most hateful word you could call someone, and that’s what he called me.
“Whore!”
I gave up.
I avoided social situations in which I had to introduce him to people as my boyfriend. Although no one was able to see through his mask upon first meeting this man, I knew a mask existed and desperately wanted to keep others from the inevitable harm he would cause them once he decided to unmask himself. I wanted to protect others more than I wanted to save myself.
I blamed myself.
As time passed and I listened less and less to my instincts, I became more and more isolated and ashamed of myself. I was ashamed to be with someone who I allowed to control me, someone who lacked care and empathy and who hurt others with impunity. At the same time, I allowed this shame to define my self-worth and self-identity.
Like Narcissus, we see ourselves as a reflection of what and who we are surrounded. When I gazed at my reflection, I could only see the ugliness and darkness inside of me that came from this man’s projections onto me.
Fortunately, unlike Narcissus, we have the ability to change our perspective and unburden ourselves from eternally gazing upon a false sense of self that the sociopath created and presented before us. We have the power within ourselves to reach through the material waters and grasp our spirit and bring it to the surface.
I have no idea what finally took over me and guided me (other than my instincts and the need to keep my son safe), but I finally escaped this man. I left and never returned.
It has taken me nearly two years to regain what was lost: my ability to love myself so I can love others completely.
Along the journey of discovering myself, I gained clarity about life and love that had eluded me my whole life:
The most difficult place to get to in life is a place of self-love. Self-love requires you to care for yourself, respect yourself, take responsibility for yourself, and know yourself. With self-love, we find peace within, which leads to peace without.
I understand now that I needed to experience the sociopath’s darkness in order to find self-love and learn to appreciate the lightness of being.
It’s a lesson I hope I never forget.
Namaste!
Your grandmother was your ‘breath of life’ ?
Ours was too busy sucking the life out of us.
Hi Paula,
I am very surprised you think Jodi Arias a sociopath. In my opinion Jodi killed Travis Alexander in Self Defence; even though Juan Martinez told everyone she was guilty of 1st degree murder, there is no evidence to support this, none. Juan changed his charge from shot first to shot last in his closing argument in order to prevent Ms Arias from winning her case. The ME perjured himself, he changed his testimony to suit Martinez’ determination to kill Ms Arias; evidence doesn’t matter to Martinez, nor does perjury when he wants the defendant dead. Check out George Barwood on wikispaces. Martinez prevented evidence that would have supported Jodi Arias, from being admitted; why would any prosecutor do this if fairness was what he wanted? The real sociopath , I believe, is Travis Alexander. Just like people say about Amanda Knox, they say Jodi lied on the stand. They want her to be guilty, therefore they won’t see there’s no hard evidence of her guilt. They can’t explain what the ’hard evidence’ is, they want her sent to death on circumstantial evidence and the red herrings that Martinez threw in simply because she isn’t guilty and it’s my belief he knows she isn’t guilty. This in my opinion was a total miscarriage of justice. Everyone deserves and should get a fair trial, instead this was a State Circus.
Just because she was convicted doesn’t mean the jury were right. Maricopa County in Arizona is renowned for overcharging defendants and sending innocent people to their deaths. I watched the trial and Juan Martinez is guilty of gross prosecutorial misconduct. To say I was appalled is a total understatement. He is guilty of: Witness tampering, yelling at witnesses, throwing things in the courtroom, signing autographs outside the court in a Capital Murder case, asking 4 questions in one when he knows there are 4 different answers, demanding a yes/no answer and objecting so many times so as to prevent the jury from following what the witness was saying, preventing evidence that would support Miss Arias, I could go on.. perverting the course of justice, lying, telling the jury how to vote, changing his charge from shot first to shot last at the 11th hour in his closing nonsense. And it was, total nonsense. Martinez sold to the jury and they bought it, he knew they would, he knew they took his word as gospel. For Martinez it isn’t about Justice, its about Winning. Miss Arias rid herself of one sociopath and ended up with another, Juan Martinez. Watch it on youtube. But first of all go to OccupyHLN, what Jason Weber writes is bang on the nail.
Narcissistic parents are terrified of their children’s maturing. They dread adolescence …
My young life was peppered by one evil attempt after another on my parents’ part to keep me immature. They were pathological narcissists.
One of my sisters-in-law always claimed, “Your parents never treated you kids like adults.”
What may sound like ordinary events during the adolescent stage with my parents were actually diabolical ploys to sabotage any signs of approaching adulthood or sophistication. My uncle’s kids (my father’s brother) were calling their parents by their first names when I was struggling to maintain my balance.
I remember being dragged to a salon at 12-years old, against my will, to have my hair done the way my mother wanted it to look (like a clone of her). A counselor years later supported me…she said, “You don’t drag a pre-pubescent girl to the salon. A 2-year old you DO bring to a salon, even if kicking and screaming, but not a 12-year old.” Other girls my age were wearing age appropriate clothes and talking to boys. A year later they were actively dating (most of them). I never even so much went to a school dance because I knew how wide the chasm was between my and my peers. And I was totally miserable.
There were many other events that may sound ordinary to others, but trust me they were not. My parents ignored my tears and heartache.
The absolute horror of narcissistic parents who don’t recognize your autonomy and ignore your pain have cataclysmic repercussions for the rest of your life, especially if you are female.
My maturation age will never be normal and others have ostracized me because of it.
This may not be the place to post this, but please be patient. I appreciate Love Fraud but another site that focuses on narcissists does not accept blogging.
Dear Barb,
Reading your post was heartbreaking, I am so sorry you had this sort of childhood and I feel for you, it must have been truly awful.
I feel pleased you have found a safe place to post, you needed to do that.
Let others think what they think, you are the better person; they are stuck in their ignorance, you have grown, you are far more mature than they will ever be, you have empathy where they do not, you have that going for you and its worth a lot. The people who have ostracised you have no compassion, they don’t know the meaning of it, don’t give them another thought, don’t let them affect you, you are far better than they are, don’t give them the time of day, they don’t exist as caring human beings and never will.
Love yourself, do things that make you happy.
God Bless.
Barb,
I’ve been thinking about you, and what I think you need to have, is a distraction.. anything, be it art – anything that arouses your passion.
Another way is to be a Volunteer, anywhere. What I’m getting at is that I think you need to be taken right out of yourself – discover YOU, you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Helping others, we don’t have time to think and dwell on bad things in the past, the past has gone, why live in it when there’s so much more to you and life? We’re only here a short time really, smile, you have a lot to offer! It makes no sense to dwell on the past, does it and when you’re not thinking about it, you’ll be happier. Let go of it, put it in the bin 🙂
I have just turned 63, was on holiday, I took myself off to Greece for 2 weeks, that does wonders! So much so that when I was there I forgot my birthday!!! It was the next day and it was 10pm before I realised it 🙂
Life CAN be fun if you let it 🙂
Thank you Paula. Reading this article makes me feel good. It makes me realize how far I’ve come in this learning journey. I have been dependent on this site for almost a year now when I first realized what a sociopath was. I read over my first post and I am in utter SHOCK and I even wrote that I thought I was a sociopath and totally crazy!! He had me so warped into thinking I was something I was not just like you wrote about above.
In the last year of ending this relationship and finally in the last 6 months of having no contact things have changed so much. From a time of hopelessness the sun is finally shining and I have learned how to love myself. People always ask me why I stayed with this man for 4 years and I can see now that I needed him to teach me how to love myself. I had to learn it the hard way but I did!
I am now attracting the most wonderful people in my life. I’m dating again and there truly ARE wonderful people out there!
For anyone that feels hopeless today, let me be a ray of hope that it truly DOES get better! Trust yourself, believe in yourself, and accept that this was meant to teach you something about who you are and you will come out a stronger version of yourself…I did!!
serenity12,
Congratulations on your progress! 🙂
Tryingtoheal: I cried internally, as I can’t cry outwardly anymore, after I read your very supportive message to me. I felt real acceptance and love. This is why I connected to ‘Love Fraud’ and ‘Tears and Healing’.
It was an awful childhood. Unfortunately the world sees what your parents created (not the real you) and it is awfully hard to break out. I find that humor works well everywhere but one cannot always be ‘up’ for humor. Did you know almost all comedians came from horrendous backgrounds? And their humor is repressed rage?
Dear Barb,
It makes me feel happy to know that I’ve helped you, we all need someone who accepts and loves us, I hope you can let it all go and love yourself, you deserve it.
Yes, I did know that about comedians, my father used to do work for Bob Monkhouse and they became firm friends, but Bob was very depressed in private but who would have thought it, as on stage he was a funny man, always laughing. I think if you try acting the part of being happy, it can help and without you knowing it, you will be much happier.
This takes me to what I wanted to say to you, laughter truly IS the best medicine for anything, is there a comedy club near you? I think it would help you.
Don’t let your parents win or anyone, it really is a waste and it will keep you unhappy. Go and enjoy an evening of laughter, meet others and you will feel so much better.
Another thing to do is write everything down about your unhappiness, then when you have finished, get up, feel resolute, tell yourself you’re a beautiful woman, (you have to say this out loud) march out to the bin and throw it ceremoniously away, for the bin is all its fit for. Then smile and tell yourself this is the first day of the rest of your life! 🙂 Celebrate, get dressed up and go out with a smile on your face, others will smile back!
Try it!
I tried visiting my parents’ grave sites a number of years ago. There was an overwhelming sense of ridicule towards me from them even though they were gone.
I also felt an extremely strong ‘anti-magnetic’ repulsion (no word of lie)…like when you try to bring opposing magnets together and it is just impossible.
Wrong family. It happens. My siblings are just clueless.
Dear Barb,
I can tell all of this hurts you enormously still, but try to just let them go? It may help to think that the way they were towards you, that they had a terrible upbringing.. and they didn’t know how to parent; clearly they didn’t.. I think the only way forward is to think this way and, if you can, try to forgive them… its hard, very hard, one day when you’re feeling stronger, you may be able to do that. Not right now, concentrate on you, you are the most important one.
Take care of you, pamper yourself, it needn’t be in a big way, just little things, such as having candles in the bathroom, buy some perfume and something to put in your bath, plan an evening in with yourself, put some of your favourite music on, buy some chocolates, make yourself a lovely meal, a special meal, just for YOU 🙂 xx
Another thing you may not have tried.. sing! Yes, sing in the bath, sing when you’re cooking, put on a CD and sing along with it, singing is great and you’ll find you will feel much better 🙂 it really works! I know, I tried it 🙂
Remember, you cannot change the past, but you Can change the future 🙂
tryingtoheal,
I love your words of comfort and wisdom to Barb!I don’t mean to eavesdrop,but I found all those things worked for me!
Thank you Blossom4th,
You know, I had a normal upbringing, if there is such a thing (!)
But I do know what its like to be duped by a sociopath.. so I suppose I can speak with Some knowledge.
Yes, singing and telling yourself you’re worth more than that really does help. Glad they worked for you too! Nothing like a bit of ‘Me’ therapy! Life is too short to dwell on people who aren’t worth it, in doing so you let them win and you keep yourself unhappy. Onwards and upwards, keep smiling 🙂
Barb – I understand how you feel. Both my parents were narcissists too. One of many hurtful things my Mom did when I was 14, trying so hard to be “grown up”, was to take me to a dress shop to return the Easter dress I had bought (one that was in style, the first I ever got without her). She dragged me back to the shop, complained to the saleslady that I wasn’t going to wear “that ugly thing”, then she chose a frilly lilac dress with a full skirt – the type of thing Shirley Temple wore at age 5. It was so humiliating. There is a lifetime of such controlling and humiliation as I’m sure you suffered as well. Two things really helped me to move past that pain and the constant mental reminders playing in my head like a never-ending record: I wrote a letter to my Mom, even though she has been dead for 5 years. I put in all my emotion, pain, put down all the mean things she did and how I felt when these things happened and how I still felt. I cried like a baby, then moved to anger, then tears again. But when the letter was finished, I felt clean inside, free. Then I read the letter to a domestic abuse counselor, cried a little, and tore it up. Leaving the counselor’s office again I felt clean and free. So I have two suggestions to you – write letters to your Mom and Dad, get it all out, don’t give up if you cry or get angry, the purpose is to discharge the emotion. If you don’t get it out it will torment you for life. I am now 66 years old and for the first time I am beginning to feel good about myself. Please don’t wait that long. It can be the beginning of building your self-esteem, which is so important. The second suggestion is to go to a Domestic Violence center. The definition of DV has changed and now includes emotional and mental abuse, not just physical abuse, and not strictly from boyfriends and husbands. You and I were abused children and we have suffered the effects of that too long. I hope you can find a good counselor and some peace. It’s amazing how much you can learn from a well-trained therapist who can guide you and help you heal from the trauma of abuse. You are a worthy person, a special lady, there’s only one of you and you deserve to be happy.
TVMorgan September 28, 2013
You are not going to believe this. Just this morning the memory of one particular Easter event hit me. Unbelievable! My mother had brought me shopping for a bonnet and I chose a brightly colored one that had flowers on the side…Audrey Hepburn look. What galls me is that she ASKED me which one I wanted in the store. Later that week she brought home the other bonnet…a childish ‘skimmer’ hat (very similar to your story). It was infantilizing and humiliating.
I have considered writing her a letter (she is long gone) and it might be a good idea. I also want to bring at least one letter to my parents’ graves to read it to them (highly recommended by John Bradshaw). We are not being hateful or disrespectful. In fact, they were to us.
I am sorry for her…she was a very unhappy woman. She did not want me to ‘find’ myself or differ from her…almost like ‘cloning’. This makes me feel badly for her because she was treated horribly in childhood, and as we know we need to ‘not be the only one’…we need re-affirmation and identification. She had neither. Her mother was an absolute horror-show.
It was almost like we had a meeting of the minds this morning…you and I…in fact, we did. Thank for your post. It is greatly appreciated.
Another idea: have you ever held a picture of yourself as an infant and/or very small child and tell that child how perfect you are/were? How innocent and deserving of great parents you were? Communicate with that picture…imagine you are whole and pure…become a parent to that picture and tell your ‘inner child’ how wonderful you were/are.
I also happened upon a website that allowed me access to “Your Inner Mother”. I receive emails from “Your Inner Mother” at least once a week. The emails are what we should have heard from our mothers from long ago. Some I don’t keep but most I save to my “Your Inner Mother” folder.
The ramifications of having narcissistic parents resounds throughout our lives. Ugly memories preventing us from achieving happiness or success. I am proud, though, that in the 1970s my true self came forth…and against my Mom’s wishes I took off for Canada and lived there a number of months…almost a year. I felt like an Alpha Female, making all of my own choices. I made friends and did adventurous things. It was totally liberating. I actually had JOY for the very first time.
I am 62 years old now…