LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: Escaping my mother, the sociopath

Editor’s note: The following letter was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “NomorePTSD.” It refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.

This letter comes after 3 years of realizing who my mother really is: a sociopath. The first few decades of my life I struggled with what felt like a 5,000 piece puzzle without the picture of how it was suppose to go together. I had every piece memorized— as a way to maintain sanity. I lived in a state of being numb and invalidated.

My parents divorced when I was young. A first memory was my mother attempting to kill my siblings and I. It seemed like I was the only one capable of accepting the truth, until a couple decades later when a relative validated my memory.

My suffering was so intense as the child who was especially hated. I was in a trap and couldn’t get out. She often withheld food, sexually abused me, brainwashed me, tortured me, terrorized me, blackmailed me, and threatened me. She began stalking my siblings and I after my father gained custody. She kidnapped us when he was coming to pick us up after her weekend visit, taking us to a shelter and telling us he was going to beat us, when really she just wanted to force my brother not to be involved in a sports camp and make my dad suffer. I had a stomach ulcer at a very young age; she would not give me the medicine because she said my dad was trying to poison me.

I was given a mother though; she was my grandmother. During all of the abuse she was paralyzed emotionally, and spent many hours compiling all of the abuses in the event that my mother would fight for custody again. That 40-page document was given to me as a young adult, even though my grandma had died when I was young. A family member found the papers and wanted to destroy them, but felt like they were for me to have.

Nightmares began when I was 4 years old. I had a few each week, for decades. Many had scary demonic/monster figures, many of being raped and controlled and also running for my life. I always felt terror in them.

My heart grew

I became involved in some volunteer organizations as a young woman. That was the best thing for me! I literally felt like my heart was given new life as I served others and compassion began to run through me towards others less mentally or physically fortunate. It meant so much to me because I didn’t know if I was capable of loving anyone; I was numbed by all the trauma and confusion. But then I knew I had a heart and it worked! Not only did I find myself being able to love, I found myself loving people and finding great joy in relationships.

Faith began to grow in me, and I became involved in youth groups. This was a double-edged sword for me, because of denomination differences, often people would tell me I was going to hell. Little did they know I was already in hell. I did make friends this way, a few whom I still have to this day.


Another thing that happened was I was enormously invalidated. We were taught about forgiveness, but we were not taught about natural law. We were taught to honor our parents, but we weren’t taught whom our parents were. We were told to be obedient, but nobody addressed the possibility that our parents are at odds with each other and there’s no way to be obedient to both without losing your mind. I was very confused by all of this, and whenever I sought help, I was given the simple answers above, but no one seemed to address the reality I was surviving.

She stalked me for decades. It was my normal, and so I didn’t know it was possible to live any other way. Until I became pregnant and I realized I did NOT want her to know, it hit me like a bullet. It was my normal but it was NOT normal, and I was in no way going to put a brand new life into the mix of her wickedness. She offered (threatened) to babysit once she moved close by, and I could not tolerate it anymore. This in the wake of her threatening to kill her current husband.

Dad had schizophrenia

I discovered my dad has schizophrenia, and many of the things he was teaching us by his words and example were super distorted: a) that he was always married to mom in the eyes of God, b) we would one day be together as a happy family, c) that it was our job to save her, and d) that she was just a scared little girl under it all.

It was hard for me to accept his mental sickness because he was my hero, but after accepting it for what it was, I also learned that I could not trust him. He is the perfect example of innocent as a dove. My mother is a perfect example of wise as a snake. I learned that true Christianity is being both of those things at the same time and that my parents were incapable of growing up into healthy adults if they continued to approach the world from those points.

He committed to cosigning a large loan for her in secret, a loan that would have been a lien against the business my husband and I were planning to buy. A loan for her to live next door to us, even though he had full knowledge that it was my worst nightmare.

New place and new name

After my eyes were opened, I fled like a bird from a nest within a hurricane. I deleted myself from the Internet, cut ties with every person who still is in their circles, including much of my husband’s family. I began again, new place and new name. This has had a huge impact on my spouse and children. We have been wearied by the drastic measures we’ve been forced to take, but every night I go to bed knowing that she can’t find me. In fact, we read JJ Luna’s book on privacy and implemented many of those things. We hired a PI and he told us we were the 3rd people in 20 years he could not find.

Flashbacks were everyday for me, between 10 and 20 a day. It was like having a nightmare in the daytime and it was mostly triggered by my young children, their milestones, their whininess, their tantrums, their eating and sleeping. I could see how different I treated them, and would have images fill my mind of when I was treated subhuman, and often I would be crippled.

Depression of course came along with all these other things. By the grace of God I found an amazing therapist and he helped me to utilize Cognitive Therapy and my depression was gone in the course of a couple short months!

My husband and I became involved in an interdenominational fellowship since leaving my biological parents behind, and a couple offered to pray for me. After a few sessions my nightmares came to an end!

Learning to speak to God

Then I learned of a program for women who have been extremely traumatized, a Christian program. The way that we learned of it was so unique and powerful that we felt God was leading us. So I went for 3 weeks without my children or husband (HUGE stretch for us all) and learned how to speak to God honestly about how I really experienced things but more importantly I was taught how to listen to Him and let Him speak for Himself. I realized I had God in a very little box, although it might have been covered in glitter, ultimately, I had very little trust in Him.

I took Him out of the box I put Him in and experienced so much peace. He started walking me through my life and showing me where He intervened to help me, and started showing me all the times He saved my life. He also showed me the many ways I am different than my mother. He led to break down an evil force that she had put on me as a curse. He also promised to end my daymares (flashbacks) as He had ended my nightmares. He gave me a vision of my mother as a 4-inch tall figure locked in a glass box without any seams scratching to get out. He told me that she can’t hurt me anymore.

It’s been months without a single flashback, and serious testing in my daily life with life stress. But it’s not CRAZY EVIL stress, it’s normal life stuff: finances, moving, pregnancy etc. Normal life stuff is stressful enough without her, but it’s a heck of a lot easier! I don’t feel like I’m running for my life anymore, and I’ve begun having dreams. Really sweet and meaningful dreams full of hope. I wake up with joy in my heart wondering what they might mean. I’m starting to imagine myself being a successful woman and having a joyful family life! Also I’ve seen signs of empathy in my youngest child, and my heart is full of gratitude to see love being passed between us all.

Jesus as my lawyer

My little family and I have made solid friends, I’ve finished the first draft of my book, and I recently hired Jesus to be my lawyer. I’ve realized that justice on earth is not enough because of all the limiting factors. Plus I’ve realized that I was holding onto all the evidence against my mom, but it was taking so much energy to do it. I asked Him to be my lawyer and He said yes.

About a week ago I had my first flashback in months, I immediately turned my heart over to God and asked Him what was going on, He informed me that it was evidence for my case and that He wanted it. To me it was insignificant in the midst of all the evils that had happened, but when I reflected, it was in fact an injustice, and felt so much release to know that God ACTUALLY cares about it all, even the “little” things. I was so focused on the “big” injustices that I could not even take the “little” ones into account.

Just today I was worked up over life stress (ie: sleep deprivation, money troubles, and moving), and thinking about how a lot of things have been stripped from me. Something fell in another room, but my husband and I could not figure out what it was. Later, when I came to my computer and saw a bible verse that had fallen from the wall directly onto my keyboard: “I will repay you for the years the Locusts have eaten. Joel 2:25”

Looking forward to my future

Now that I am no longer tormented, I am looking forward to my future with anticipation. God’s plans for me have been good, even though I was in hell, He intervened many times to help me survive, until He was able to outright deliver me from evil both inside and outside. He sustained me, sometimes naturally, and other times supernaturally. I can’t begin to express how grateful I am, my heart bursts with joy as I consider my new life.

I’m sharing this with you, because I know many of you have experienced similar evil from without and then the awful effects after the fact. This website gave me permission to have No Contact. Thank you. It gave me facts to compare my situation to. Thank you. It helped me see others have gone through similar evils and made me feel less alone. Thank you. It showed me the kind of boundaries that are appropriate for people who are empowered by evil. Thank You. And my letter is my ultimate Thank you and may you find true freedom in every way imaginable.


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Dearest NomorePTSD –

Your story is my story. Same experiences, same invalidation, same deprivations of sleep and food, same stalking experiences, same finding a way to completely escape and find a safe place and no contact with the mother. My discovery 4 years ago that my husband is a sociopath started my journey toward true clarity. Since then, GOD has also acted in my life (I KNOW it’s HIM because of the events – just like you). I share the experience of knowing that HE cares about truth and my experiences. I was taught from an early age that I was the ungrateful and incompetent servant and that GOD rejected me. Now I know the truth that HE cares about everything about me and is interested in me and HE already knows everything and values truth above all.

I was reading on another site about losing innocence by learning the true nature of evil and that survivors learn discernment between good and evil. Then we can heal and in that healing create the “precious pearl of purity.” That metaphor helps me so much.

In the LORD’s prayer, there is a passage that says, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” That is how I see people such as my father who did the best they could but did not recognize evil. Then the next passage is, ” lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.” That would be the deliverance from my mother. This has helped me separate out the normal folks who make mistakes (trespass) and the deliberate evil of sociopaths (from which we need to be delivered). Now I am thinking straight although I deal with a lot of loss.

Thank you for sharing your story – another celebration of truth and moving forward. Best wishes and GOD bless.



I really love the article about the pearl. Thank you for sharing it with me!

Isn’t it odd how after an experience like this, I feel like you are a sister to me? It’s like our mothers were the same person! On one hand I am horrified that you went through all you did, and on another hand, I feel so much less isolated. Seeing others overcome evil can be so empowering too.

Your translation of the Lord’s prayer is PERFECT! Trespass vs. evil- Brilliant! I am going to think about that whenever I pray the Lord’s prayer from now on.

Sometimes I get struck by grief, wishing that I had something like a family, but then I remind myself that MANY people never get out of seriously dysfunctional families that may look “healthy” on the outside. So I am working on creating community, and thankfully my children never bonded with my parents and though technically it’s still a loss for them to not have grandparents, they don’t have people wanting to harm them.

What kind of support system do you have now that you’ve restarted?


Greetings NomorePTSD

Thank you for the reply. I’m getting better at blogging as I recover. So glad to have you as a sister although so sorry for the reason. So weird that spaths can operate from the same play book – as Donna says.

My support systems are my anchors. Not so much with people, but with reading sites like this one, books and blogs. I really like Sanctuary for the Abused and 180 rule (the precious pearl came from that website), although I see the link to 180 rule is not in my comment above anymore – so maybe I’m not supposed to provide links. But reading is a big help to me.

I also got a good job in public health which is another good anchor for me. It has its ups and downs, but it gives me a good way to spend my days. And my job has gradually brought me close to some good people and although it is not a direct support to my recovery, just being around “normal” folks has it own healing properties.

About being a survivor of abuse, I am careful with whom I share my story, which is why I appreciate sites like these so much.

Knowing that you have moved to a different location and gone NC with the toxic network of people is both wonderful and disorienting – such a big change even though it is a victorious and brave path you are walking now. Depending on what your positive anchors were before, whether reading, your husband, children, jobs, activities, whatever…..I’m thinking that establishing routines around those will help. I relocated a while back also and I remember I took it slowly at first. For specific support, I tend to go with websites like this one. You may be more social than I am and may reach out for support groups. I hope my random thoughts on support systems are helpful to you.

Your children are so fortunate to have you !! So happy they are protected from the spaths. I will pray for your continued safety and success !

Very best wishes to you.


p.s. to the reply above I just wrote. Thank you soooo much for sharing about your nightmares and flashbacks during the day. That is exactly what happens for me. I am mostly free of nightmares now, but the daytime intrusive thoughts and emotional surges are disturbing. Thank you for sharing that you are much better with that – it gives me hope that it can diminish for me as well.

As Truthspeak always says – brightest blessings to you !


NoMorePTSD and OpalRose,

Thank you so much for your stories. I cannot imagine being raised by a Sociopath! What a confusing, anxiety-ridden, difficult childhood that must have been, to say the very least! It is hard enough going through it as an adult but to have been raised in it!

I am so proud of you getting away from the insanity and becoming God Loving women! How brave you both are! It just reinforced that with God’s help, we can make it through the worst of things.

I wanted to ask you both a question. I am just coming to realize that my ex-fiance is a sociopath. I strongly believe that his mom was also a sociopath and had a very strong influence on his mental health. His father was a violent alcoholic while he was growing up but my SP worships the ground he walks on. It sounds as if he had a terrible, anxiety ridden childhood. He also has a brother that is a diagnosed Paranoid Schitzophrenic.

My SP has left behind at least 4 different wives along with his children with each one of them, he has admitted this but he blames all of it on his ex-wives. Out of 10 children, one is dead and only one has any contact with him whatsoever. His immediate family (brothers,sisters, Mom & Dad) don’t seem to want to have much to do with him either. They all live in Alaska and he lives in the states, so I have not talked to them or met them.
What I wanted to ask was; is there varying degrees of a sociopath? I have not been able to find this out in any of the literature that I have read or on this site. It seems like everyone has the same story of their SP taking as much advantage of them as they possible could. But mine is like theirs only not to the degree of the others, especially not yours with your Mother’s!!

My SP fits all the red flags and 10 signs of being a SP but it is like he walked out before any horrible damage could be done. He could have taken much more money than he did. I am speculating that he cheated the whole time he was with me but cannot be sure. He still keeps in contact with my son and helps him with things such as getting his car repaired. He touched my 21 year old daughter inappropriately early in our relationship but she came to me right away and I confronted him about it. While he did not admit or deny it, it never happened again.
I have had NC with him for 9 days, we have been separated for nearly 5 months. He is the one that left. He says that he left because he thinks that I was trying to poison him. If you knew me, you would know what an absolutely ridiculous accusation this was and I am chalking it up to the fact that he must have made it up in order to get out of the relationship for some reason. He was like living with 2 different people. One who worshiped the ground that I walked on and the other that was always accusing me of things that I did not do (ie: cheating on him, making fun of him, criticizing him, not loving him or praising him enough, loving my children more than him, not wanting to have sex with him, etc, etc and as I said trying to poison him!). None of these accusations were true and of course, he had no proof whatsoever that any of them were true but at the same time, there was a possibility that they all could have been true.

He just doesn’t quite seem to fit in other people’s version of their SP. Should I expect him to return and do further damage? Should I be scared?

Thank you for listening and I hope that someone will help me make sense of all of this.



DonnaS…from what you describe of this man, he sounds like he may also be paranoid schizophrenic like his brother. It can be or is hereditary. The fact that you say he would accuse you of all those things that were not true tells me that he was paranoid so that is why I think he may have the same disorder as his brother. Did you ever think of that? Just my two cents…



Yes, I thought about schizophrenia many times and also delusional disorder mainly because of his “illnesses” (which I see were most likely faked) and also bipolar disorder when he first started acting up due to his Jekyll and Hyde-type behavior. I always knew there was something wrong with him but he just has never fit in a nice, neat little box. Mostly because he was ever changing.

As I think about it, I guess it doesn’t matter what he has. I was just so obsessed with finding the truth because the whole thing just did not make any sense. But I feel more at peace today after hearing from some of the wonderful people on this site. I am finally, after nearly 3 years, making some sort of sense out of the whole thing. And I realize that the truth doesn’t matter as much as it once did. If there was a way I could find out what all has gone on, all of the lies and deceptions, it would just hurt worse and prolong the healing. I know enough now to make an informed decision and that is that I won’t ever have anything to do with him again.

Thank you for your two cents..


DonnaS…good for you. You are really on the right track in believing that it doesn’t matter anymore what he is. So true. We get to that point. We realize it doesn’t matter what they did or what they are…they just are…and what they did was wrong and abusive. It really gets to a point that it doesn’t matter why they did what they did. Take care.



I’m so sorry for your experience. High five to you for having no contact for 9 days. I can relate to your story because while my Spath husband doesn’t follow the pattern exactly, he also meets all the criteria and is definitely without a moral compass.

From what I understand, there are different types of Spaths. The range is wide as with any other type disorder so you will find different traits in each. You may want to research that on line to gain more understanding. Here’s one site that I read

My husband and I are separated and he has not been as selfish in some areas as others I’ve read about. With that said, his behavior is far from normal and definitely disordered. As I’ve read many times from our LF family, it really doesn’t matter what his issue is, it only matters that you have been manipulated and abused and must protect yourself and your family.

Any man that has lots of sexual relationship, touches a child inappropriately, has been married many times and just can’t get his act together, and then blames everything on others is a person who suffers from moral decay. The older he gets, the worse he will be.

I hope you will continue to move toward distancing yourself and breaking free. Also, I hope that your children can see the reality of his behavior so that they can protect themselves. It’s a long difficult journey to even see that peace is possible. I’m traveling that road with you. Not able to see the light at the end yet, but I’m still moving forward in the dark. The light will come. Everyone here tells me so. Because of that I keep moving.

Best wishes and please keep writing.



Thank you for your reply. Now that things are making more sense, I am also hoping to heal. I have never in my life been hurt so bad, felt so betrayed and foolish.

I had known him for years before he set his sights on me, he was the father of my sons’ best friend and they lived down the street. I never liked him, thinking that he was arrogant and moody. Soon after my boyfriend at the time and I broke up and he moved out, my Spath started working his way in to my life. I can see it clearly now. My impression of him quickly changed because he quickly changed to be more like me. He asked a lot of questions, paid close attention to the way I was and did everything. Became my “best friend”. Helped me with repairs around the house and so forth. That made me feel sort-of like I owed him something.

The whole time this was going on, he was living with another woman. He told me not to worry about her, it was over anyway. Maybe it was never over because he is back with her now. The truth doesn’t seem to matter as much as it once did. If I somehow was able to find the whole truth, I would just be hurt by it and it would prolong the healing process.

How long have you been separated from your husband? I am soooo glad that we didn’t get married! It was just 2 weeks before the wedding date that he walked out. He did me a favor. I just need to remember that when I miss him so much that I think it’s going to destroy what is left of me.

It’s nice to know that I am not alone. Thank you for writing!


Dear DonnaS

Thank you for writing about your ex-fiancé. I’m so glad you posted here with us. He sounds awful and I’m glad you are away from him.

Yes – sociopaths can be on a continuum of nastiness. On a scale of 1 to 10, my mother was a 10 and my husband is an 8. No matter what the degree though, this man is not good for you and you should stay away from him completely. Do not respond to his love bombing or give him anything. Stay No Contact and move on.

He will play the pity me card but his behavior toward his past wives / girlfriends and you shows a pattern of devaluing and discarding. Only if HE acknowledges his part in that pattern (not blaming other) can there be any changes in that pattern. Even then, I would NOT trust him at all ever.

He will try to return to you if his life is not going as well as he wants it to. This can happen at any time – next week, next month, next year. He considers you part of his “harem” now and he will come back to any woman in that group at any time on his terms and use you, devalue and discard you just like he always does. Please do not think you can help him or that you are any different from his past ladies.

If he contacts you, ignore him completely. If he contacts you in person, use the “gray rock” method of being very boring and uninterested. He may get angry at you for a short time if you do not respond with a big emotional display (happy or angry or sad), but it will help him discard you quickly and move on which is what you want him to do.

This guy is a sociopath – stay away and if / when he comes back, play boring and he will not stay long. It’s hard to do but it works. I don’t think you should be scared, but you should be vigilant. You know what he is capable of, so have contingency plans in place so that you can leave or screen your phone calls or have a safe place / friends. Whatever resources you need – gather them and have them ready.

So sorry this has happened to you. Keep him out of your life even if he is not a 10 on the sociopath scale. He is not good for you. Let us know how you are doing. Posting here helps us all.

Very best wishes to you !!




Thank you for your comments. It was just so confusing that he didn’t fit into a nice, neat box with his behavior. He was ever changing and it was very confusing. But you are right, he is a sociopath, a liar with no conscience no matter how he made me feel, it was just an act. It was the only thing that made any sense but at the same time I was going back and forth because I didn’t want it to be true. There is no way to ever understand someone like that, especially him because like I said, he was ever changing.

Thanks for mentioning the gray rock. I had never heard of that but it is a good idea! He moved out nearly 5 months ago and has gradually decreased our contact. I am sure he has been busy with his new lady. But when he used to come over after he left I would just cry uncontrollably. The tears would just stream out of my eyes and I couldn’t stop them. One time I apologized for always crying when he was around and he said “Actually, I like you better this way.” I am sure that he will try to get back in and I hope that he waits long enough that I can be like a grey rock.

I am so sorry about your mother. I am glad that you are away from her. I had a friend whose mother was a Spath. I didn’t know it at the time but my mind came to her when I started reading about the child-like, manipulative behavior that Spaths display. Your letter was very inspiring and it helped me in the fact that I have been feeling very sorry for myself and I need to stop that and get on with my life. It could have been much worse. And I hope that you are not still with your husband.

Best Wishes to you too!



Dear DonnaS,

I am so glad that your relationship is over. Don’t allow yourself to get too confused about the different titles of disorders you could be dealing with. The actual name of the disorder does not matter as much as it matters that you are safe. I got really hung up on this at the beginning- a mental health professional told me she thought my mom was borderline personality disordered. . and I was so MAD because I felt totally invalidated. I did read a whole book on borderline mothers and still think the counselor was wrong, but it was such a waste of my emotional energy. My encouragement to you is to focus on what you are saved from. Make a list of all the things you have now that you could not have before, be grateful that you didn’t meet his family (often this leads to severe confusion and way more relationship messies). And I think in time you will put more pieces together about the eerie behaviors and motivating factors (like a different relationship, the poison accusation, how much money is really gone ect).

Disordered people are just like the rest of us in that they have different and unique motivating factors. Some like to set people’s lives on fire for fun, others like to feel in control of a few people, other still like to steal stamps to watch the postal workers freak out when they get to work in the morning. They are limited by their personal charisma and intelligence and by what they like to control. Looking at his track record it looks like he gets bored easily with relationships, and maybe just wanted out so he didn’t have to go through the legal headache of another divorce, perhaps after 4 divorces he decided it’s too messy. Maybe it motivates him to see how many women he can fool into a form of commitment, and now that he knows how much hassle a divorce can be he just stops at getting engaged? So maybe he didn’t take more from you because he just isn’t that bright or motivated by money.

I would say give an honest assessment to your possessions and finances. Make sure he doesn’t have a key to your house, car, etc. Don’t be paranoid but cover your bases. If you are renting, move to a new place if not only for the fact that you won’t have so many memories of him in the new place (a trap that can make you vulnerable to attempting to reconnect) and above all move away from mutual friends if possible. Mutual friends can stir the pot by their cluelessness. Listen to your gut, change your phone number, and surround yourself by people who can help you- especially grounded spiritually and emotionally.

I have found that many people are grounded theologically- which is good if religion is your hobby, but being grounded spiritually is more about being connected to God- thus hearing Him and sharing with Him- not necessarily about the technical side of things (though that’s important, but many people stop at theology which is very sad and Pharisee-like)- practice listening to God. It’s hard to do when there’s so many thoughts rushing through your head, but try it with a notebook, and wait until you sense God is speaking and try to jot it down so you can reread it later. This practice will lead you to Him who is the DIVINE COUNSELOR. Whenever I slow my thoughts down and let Him do the talking, I get instant relief and my soul can rest. That is by far the best type of counseling- from God. And there’s no copay. =)



Such wise advice! I love your suggestion of sitting with a notebook and waiting on God to lead your heart. “Be Still and Know”…. I have to say that I failed to listen to God in the most critical time of my life. Before the Spath, I professed a strong faith, but when times got really tough, I lost hope and got angry that I was in the situation.

Now, thankfully, I see how God graciously spared me and protected me the whole time. I’ve been very stubborn and wouldn’t recognize the truth. I wouldn’t protect myself when He gave me every opportunity because of my thick headed devotion to the Spath, I have suffered much more emotional abuse than necessary. Maybe it all has been a part of His perfect plan, but I think it’s more like He’s had to pull me out of this mess. Like a donkey.

I’m so grateful for His patience. I don’t beat myself up about my addiction to my Spath, but I have learned that I make life hard on myself when I don’t pay attention to Gods voice in my heart. He is always good!

Thanks for the reminder, NoMOrePTSD.

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