Editor’s note: The following letter was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “NomorePTSD.” It refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
This letter comes after 3 years of realizing who my mother really is: a sociopath. The first few decades of my life I struggled with what felt like a 5,000 piece puzzle without the picture of how it was suppose to go together. I had every piece memorized— as a way to maintain sanity. I lived in a state of being numb and invalidated.
My parents divorced when I was young. A first memory was my mother attempting to kill my siblings and I. It seemed like I was the only one capable of accepting the truth, until a couple decades later when a relative validated my memory.
My suffering was so intense as the child who was especially hated. I was in a trap and couldn’t get out. She often withheld food, sexually abused me, brainwashed me, tortured me, terrorized me, blackmailed me, and threatened me. She began stalking my siblings and I after my father gained custody. She kidnapped us when he was coming to pick us up after her weekend visit, taking us to a shelter and telling us he was going to beat us, when really she just wanted to force my brother not to be involved in a sports camp and make my dad suffer. I had a stomach ulcer at a very young age; she would not give me the medicine because she said my dad was trying to poison me.
I was given a mother though; she was my grandmother. During all of the abuse she was paralyzed emotionally, and spent many hours compiling all of the abuses in the event that my mother would fight for custody again. That 40-page document was given to me as a young adult, even though my grandma had died when I was young. A family member found the papers and wanted to destroy them, but felt like they were for me to have.
Nightmares began when I was 4 years old. I had a few each week, for decades. Many had scary demonic/monster figures, many of being raped and controlled and also running for my life. I always felt terror in them.
My heart grew
I became involved in some volunteer organizations as a young woman. That was the best thing for me! I literally felt like my heart was given new life as I served others and compassion began to run through me towards others less mentally or physically fortunate. It meant so much to me because I didn’t know if I was capable of loving anyone; I was numbed by all the trauma and confusion. But then I knew I had a heart and it worked! Not only did I find myself being able to love, I found myself loving people and finding great joy in relationships.
Faith began to grow in me, and I became involved in youth groups. This was a double-edged sword for me, because of denomination differences, often people would tell me I was going to hell. Little did they know I was already in hell. I did make friends this way, a few whom I still have to this day.
Another thing that happened was I was enormously invalidated. We were taught about forgiveness, but we were not taught about natural law. We were taught to honor our parents, but we weren’t taught whom our parents were. We were told to be obedient, but nobody addressed the possibility that our parents are at odds with each other and there’s no way to be obedient to both without losing your mind. I was very confused by all of this, and whenever I sought help, I was given the simple answers above, but no one seemed to address the reality I was surviving.
She stalked me for decades. It was my normal, and so I didn’t know it was possible to live any other way. Until I became pregnant and I realized I did NOT want her to know, it hit me like a bullet. It was my normal but it was NOT normal, and I was in no way going to put a brand new life into the mix of her wickedness. She offered (threatened) to babysit once she moved close by, and I could not tolerate it anymore. This in the wake of her threatening to kill her current husband.
Dad had schizophrenia
I discovered my dad has schizophrenia, and many of the things he was teaching us by his words and example were super distorted: a) that he was always married to mom in the eyes of God, b) we would one day be together as a happy family, c) that it was our job to save her, and d) that she was just a scared little girl under it all.
It was hard for me to accept his mental sickness because he was my hero, but after accepting it for what it was, I also learned that I could not trust him. He is the perfect example of innocent as a dove. My mother is a perfect example of wise as a snake. I learned that true Christianity is being both of those things at the same time and that my parents were incapable of growing up into healthy adults if they continued to approach the world from those points.
He committed to cosigning a large loan for her in secret, a loan that would have been a lien against the business my husband and I were planning to buy. A loan for her to live next door to us, even though he had full knowledge that it was my worst nightmare.
New place and new name
After my eyes were opened, I fled like a bird from a nest within a hurricane. I deleted myself from the Internet, cut ties with every person who still is in their circles, including much of my husband’s family. I began again, new place and new name. This has had a huge impact on my spouse and children. We have been wearied by the drastic measures we’ve been forced to take, but every night I go to bed knowing that she can’t find me. In fact, we read JJ Luna’s book on privacy and implemented many of those things. We hired a PI and he told us we were the 3rd people in 20 years he could not find.
Flashbacks were everyday for me, between 10 and 20 a day. It was like having a nightmare in the daytime and it was mostly triggered by my young children, their milestones, their whininess, their tantrums, their eating and sleeping. I could see how different I treated them, and would have images fill my mind of when I was treated subhuman, and often I would be crippled.
Depression of course came along with all these other things. By the grace of God I found an amazing therapist and he helped me to utilize Cognitive Therapy and my depression was gone in the course of a couple short months!
My husband and I became involved in an interdenominational fellowship since leaving my biological parents behind, and a couple offered to pray for me. After a few sessions my nightmares came to an end!
Learning to speak to God
Then I learned of a program for women who have been extremely traumatized, a Christian program. The way that we learned of it was so unique and powerful that we felt God was leading us. So I went for 3 weeks without my children or husband (HUGE stretch for us all) and learned how to speak to God honestly about how I really experienced things but more importantly I was taught how to listen to Him and let Him speak for Himself. I realized I had God in a very little box, although it might have been covered in glitter, ultimately, I had very little trust in Him.
I took Him out of the box I put Him in and experienced so much peace. He started walking me through my life and showing me where He intervened to help me, and started showing me all the times He saved my life. He also showed me the many ways I am different than my mother. He led to break down an evil force that she had put on me as a curse. He also promised to end my daymares (flashbacks) as He had ended my nightmares. He gave me a vision of my mother as a 4-inch tall figure locked in a glass box without any seams scratching to get out. He told me that she can’t hurt me anymore.
It’s been months without a single flashback, and serious testing in my daily life with life stress. But it’s not CRAZY EVIL stress, it’s normal life stuff: finances, moving, pregnancy etc. Normal life stuff is stressful enough without her, but it’s a heck of a lot easier! I don’t feel like I’m running for my life anymore, and I’ve begun having dreams. Really sweet and meaningful dreams full of hope. I wake up with joy in my heart wondering what they might mean. I’m starting to imagine myself being a successful woman and having a joyful family life! Also I’ve seen signs of empathy in my youngest child, and my heart is full of gratitude to see love being passed between us all.
Jesus as my lawyer
My little family and I have made solid friends, I’ve finished the first draft of my book, and I recently hired Jesus to be my lawyer. I’ve realized that justice on earth is not enough because of all the limiting factors. Plus I’ve realized that I was holding onto all the evidence against my mom, but it was taking so much energy to do it. I asked Him to be my lawyer and He said yes.
About a week ago I had my first flashback in months, I immediately turned my heart over to God and asked Him what was going on, He informed me that it was evidence for my case and that He wanted it. To me it was insignificant in the midst of all the evils that had happened, but when I reflected, it was in fact an injustice, and felt so much release to know that God ACTUALLY cares about it all, even the “little” things. I was so focused on the “big” injustices that I could not even take the “little” ones into account.
Just today I was worked up over life stress (ie: sleep deprivation, money troubles, and moving), and thinking about how a lot of things have been stripped from me. Something fell in another room, but my husband and I could not figure out what it was. Later, when I came to my computer and saw a bible verse that had fallen from the wall directly onto my keyboard: “I will repay you for the years the Locusts have eaten. Joel 2:25”
Looking forward to my future
Now that I am no longer tormented, I am looking forward to my future with anticipation. God’s plans for me have been good, even though I was in hell, He intervened many times to help me survive, until He was able to outright deliver me from evil both inside and outside. He sustained me, sometimes naturally, and other times supernaturally. I can’t begin to express how grateful I am, my heart bursts with joy as I consider my new life.
I’m sharing this with you, because I know many of you have experienced similar evil from without and then the awful effects after the fact. This website gave me permission to have No Contact. Thank you. It gave me facts to compare my situation to. Thank you. It helped me see others have gone through similar evils and made me feel less alone. Thank you. It showed me the kind of boundaries that are appropriate for people who are empowered by evil. Thank You. And my letter is my ultimate Thank you and may you find true freedom in every way imaginable.