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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I’m setting boundaries and he HATES it

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader whom we’ll call Wendy.

I have read your blog so much over the last 3 years that it has become a very valuable tool in the fight against my sociopath ex. Forgive me for how I say this, but it is my weapon of mass destruction against him in my fight for my son’s mental and emotional well-being. (Baby is 2& 1/2.)

My story started early 2009 when I met my sociopath. It was a whirlwind courtship and of course he said all the right things to a single Mom whose husband had died 6 years before. I became pregnant later that year and that’s when my oldest child’s and my world flipped upside down. He began by accusing me of cheating, monitoring my Internet use, made sure my car was repossessed hence giving me no way out. (Or so he thought.) Luckily we hadn’t been together long enough for him to cut my friends and family from my life. But the night he told my oldest that she would have to find a place to live when the baby was born because there was no room for her, I ran!

Every dirty tactic

Since that night he has tried every cold, dirty tactic he can. He threatened to take custody of our unborn child before he was even born. It took 5 attorneys in the same office to convince me that being unmarried, he couldn’t do a thing until he proved he was the father. My pregnancy was still horrifying and I only gained 10 lbs the entire time because of him.

He would call at all hours, use facebook, email, text and spend hours and hours accusing, threatening and telling me how he was going to take our son and I’d never see the baby again. The more I cried and begged for him to leave me alone, the more he laughed and the more he said. I was a complete disaster.

Bigger nightmare

I found your blog long before my son was born, but I never really took it to heart. I did keep documentation, but only half heartedly, because I never really believed this sort of person could actually exist in the “real world.” Boy was I wrong!!!

Anyway, the state nailed him for child support within 3 months of my son being born. Then my bigger nightmare began. I kept telling my family that he couldn’t get any worse because he’s already destroyed me inside and my oldest. Once again, I was very wrong! He filed for full custody, requesting my rights as a parent be denied due to I was abusive, had no money and was a psychopath with PTSD.

I did have PTSD from watching my husband die, but I never thought an attorney would actually use that. His attorney did. After seeing what little evidence I had, his attorney at the time convinced him to settle and our agreement came out to joint legal custody, but I had primary physical placement. Of course I used the child support amount to get what I wanted, and dropped it by $300. Our order ended up vague and he has played that to the extreme.

Over the last 2 years he has accused me of crimes and told me I was under investigation. He has taken tag numbers of cars in my driveway, run my credit report, threatened to call my Postmaster (I work for the USPS), gotten our child kicked from 3 different daycares, the most recent is considering it. He’s been fired by 2 attorneys, 7 women have becaome my son’s “Mommy” and the list goes on and on and on!!! But I’ll tell the most recent.

Games at daycare

It is a law here that child care centers are supposed to have daily logs. Suddenly the ex decided he wasn’t signing it anymore, so they began signing his name and initialing with the teacher’s name. He went in one day and began attacking one of the teachers, saying that she was committing fraud and forgery and he would have her thrown in jail. Cussing and creating a big scene.

The entire time he was holding my son, in the class room in front of 11 other 2 year olds and a parent! The director got him calmed down and he apologized and left. Everyone wrongly thought it was over. 3 weeks later he still wasn’t signing the sheet and they were putting down “dad picked up/dad dropped off.” So he proceeds to go through the book scribbling through each section for my son. Jerked my son up and left without his asthma medicine since he was in such a huff.

The following Monday they tried to get the pastor to convince him to follow the rules and he balked at him. The conversation came down to being asked for my son to be removed and my ex’s response was “that’s her problem not mine.” Of course it is!

I found an attorney, once experienced in dealing with personality disordered people— she is even fighting one of her own family members with the same problem. And the next battle has begun. Since I filed and he can not go to the daycare, he has shown up 3 hours late 3 times and been a no call no show twice, again I had to call off work.

The last time he showed up late, I had already taken my son to daycare and the daycare and I both stood our ground and said NO! I told him it had gotten old and I was not going to be punished for his behavior anymore! I was losing money and looking at being suspended. I told him he would face the consequences since he wanted to continue being an ass.

He went storming into his attorney’s office yelling and throwing a fit. She became scared of him, but had already filed that morning to withdraw as his attorney. (God only knows what happened the night before.)

He told me I was out to ruin him and lose him his job and make him look like the bad guy and crazy. My response: “you’re doing a good job on your own, I don’t need to interfere.” I have gotten tired of him being late and using law enforcement to force me to do what he wants. Needless to say I, found out that standing my ground and trusting I was right worked. Law enforcement told him to show up on time and he wouldn’t have this issue!

Documentation

When we go to court this time, I have 2 years of documented emails where I used readnotify.com or Rpost to ensure my emails stay as they are typed. Even if he forwards them and changes the contents I have a proven certified copy of what I actually sent.

I have thousands of text messages, locked and on the original device, to prove what I actually wrote and every single personal conversation is recorded and left on the original recording device so it can’t be accused of being doctored. All the way down to the “nanananananananana blah blah blah blah, tongue spitting 2 year old sounds that the man makes every time I try to speak. Down to the “Fn B****, you’ll do this, that’s not how it goes” conversations where he changes the rules every 2 minutes. I even have his down right refusals to give my son his asthma and allergy meds on voice recording!

Setting boundaries

Why is he suddenly being so open and blatant about his crazy making behavior? Here’s what I think. He forced all conversations by phone because I was always able to call him in his lies and rule changing with his own written words. He thinks I can’t prove anything over the phone. So I finally made very little contact and when he acted like a child, screamed and cussed, I would hang up, when he called back I would listen long enough to hear “you’re recording this I know it,” I would say, “yes I am, I always do!” and he would hang up. I wouldn’t call back.

When he pulled his stuff at daycare I stood up and said enough! I filed for modification requesting a psych eval, all communications go through Our Family Wizard, co-parenting and forfeiture of visits for being 30 minutes or more late. In short, I’m setting boundries that are enforceable and he HATES it! Hating something for a sociopath is like a 2 year old temper tantrum. They want what they want and they don’t think about or care who sees them.

So at least with my sociopath, I have learned that the more I set rules and boundaries and stick with them, the more he doesn’t care who sees his true self. He takes a breather in between temper tantrums and tries to convince people it’s me, but more and more, they are becoming less convinced that it’s me.


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19 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I’m setting boundaries and he HATES it"

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Thanks for sharing your story Wendy!It is the validation that we all need!That if we trust ourselves to set up those boundaries and follow through determinedly,although it may be unpleasant at first,it will eventually work as (1)spath finds tantrums aren’t working the way they used to and (2) others start seeing the truth and believing ‘victim’.

This stoy is very, VERY similar to mine. I have endured the constant acts of terrorism and even threats to hurt our children. I use to go through day care scenarios like you describe only more cunning less attention and my evil ex did not show theur face under that mask as easily..he would often make people question their own perceptions. ” We saw him cone in and sign out but there is no actual signatur” me….trying to explain how this person makes things look one way when it is really another…me begging them to be vigilant so as to protect my children and if they went missing the evil person is held accountable without spinning anything around to claim he never picked up the child at all.. Cunning evil that wears the title of parent is so hard for good people to ever really get it until one day they do….. Signing in and out accountability was difficult … Tweaking the actual time and making me work very hard to maintain accountability. These evil creatures in my own experience seem to thrive on chaos. Mind games with the kids…brainwashing and the psychological abuse girl just give it more time and they use their own kids to keep up the chaos. I pray for everyone here that we think smart stay safe and live life to the fullest each day. Do not take for granted each moment with your children each moment. No matter what they do to you hold on to a promise that there is a universal justice in this world.

hopeful808 I have gotten lucky that the director of my daycare thought of the fact that he could pick up our child not sign and say he was never there.

My ex spath can not live without chaos, if a current gf is not helping him get that, I am a ready made target. I am getting better at not biting the bait, but when he resorts to using our child that pushes the button.

Welcome Hopeful808. I am so sorry for your experience – it is so typical of the games they play. I hope more and more people become aware of the disorder – so they won’t be able to get away with the games.

Stay strong for you and your kids!

Wendy , thank you, your last few lines are especially hopeful and inspiring. Their masks do slip eventually. My abuser was always saying over and over like a cracked record “all I want is a quiet life, a peaceful life”. What this translated as in reality was ” I like pushing women to the brink with my abuse and then blaming them for creating ‘drama’ which of course he in fact craves as it gives him a temporary buzz in his otherwise soulless vacuum of an existence.

Thank you Donna for posting this and thank you everyone for the comments. My Xspath isn’t as cunning as some. I can now catch him in his lies and know when he is projecting and have learned how to flip the conversation back to the original subject without getting lost in his circles.

One of Donna’s comments hit home with me 2 years ago when I decided to be more heartfelt and diligent in documentation and fighting back for my family, “You have to out sociopath a sociopath”. Thinking like him is scary but is the most valuable tool I’ve had when it comes to not taking things personally, being detached with my emotions and staying on track.

A little update since I wrote this to lovefraud. A child services report was made about my spath I am guessing by his gf or exgf, the allegations rang a bell with the worker as a report was made over a year ago. Due to what the daycare told her, what I have told her and the allegations of neglect, she is also considering recommending a mental evaluation along with my current motion in court.

I have started the process of putting myself and my kids into a family centered counseling program where they get to do play therapy and I will be given even more tools to handle myself and help the baby create his own outlet since he can’t exactly voice himself. My oldest being the protector also needs her own outlet, she worries herself endlessly over the baby. Sometimes I wonder who’s worse, her or I. My attorney and the cps worker were happy I chose to do that. Because we have joint legal custody, I had to notify the Xspath of that. I expected the response I got, but he didn’t expect my response because he stuttered and tripped all over himself, I told him to file contempt, I wasn’t giving him an option, his option was to join in if he chooses. I got a 2 word response and hung up on.

Love Fraud has really been a great tool and her links have lead me to great books and sites that also give even more tools. I was always seeing, “documentation”. I know to “normal” co-parents, video cameras, tape recorders and certified mail and certified emails, an attorney with experience in sociopathology and psychopathology, sounds extreme. But to those of us who are not dealing with normal people, I am with all the authors in saying that those items are tools of survival!

Our hearing was pushed to next week, so, while I’m not an extremely religious person, please pray this judge sees him for what he is and hands my baby a victory for once!
I will let everyone know how it goes, I am not getting my hopes up since I’ve been denied before.

Wendy,
I really hope the court rules in your favor;will look for your update.Children desperately need the parent who knows how to love them and show them what proper behavior is.A person with personality disorder can do neither.

My husband was very good when it came to causing chaos and keeping it going~~~all the time!I became so used to the feeling of chaos that I just accepted it after awhile as “my life;my bed to make”.I didn’t even know what ‘normal’ was!

Boundaries: The boundaries “I” have set leave no room for crossing anymore. To “IT” and to every one else included. They are MY boundaries; the boundaries “I” have implemented for MYSELF and for nobody else…

THAT is the first step to completely healing from this trauma…
“THAT” and what the words of this song are trying to convey…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4sJ1fAlBcE

Please, watch it and avail yourself of the inspiration you find
to help you through this day. Remember, above all else, YOU ARE
A SURVIVOR, not a VICTIM.

Love ~ Dupey

Donna I first contacted you in 2007 when our therapist first told me that in his expert opinion ( PhD) my ex is a sociopath. I was very scared. I still am. It is a very long difficult road. I fear for my children every visit knowing who they are having to visit. I pray for a miracle every day. Such evil I do not understand…. why we can’t just live n he move on without deliberate chaos.

hopeful808 – it’s tough to reply to your comment. On the one hand, it’s nice to have a long-time reader. On the other hand, I’m very sorry that because of the sociopath you need to be a long-time reader. I hope Lovefraud continues to help you. Stay strong.

hopeful808,
How old are your children?! Once they are 18 and able to decide on their own if they want to continue seeing their father,you will be able to breathe a little easier!I remember that being a consideration in my decision to wait to leave ’til the children were older.Of course I knew NOTHING about sociopathy at the time!

I also remember thinking of all the reasons why it would be sooo much easier if I were left a widow ( he has multiple health issues complicated by morbid obesity) or if he just left me.But since the name of the game was controllin’ and laughter at MY EXPENSE,I finally left after all.

Divorced from Gaslighter

Wendy, I know that you are under extreme stress right now with a court date coming up this week, but I want to warn you not to be naive about your relationship with CPS. They are notorious for love-bombing “Mommy” and working with “Mommy” to terminate “Daddy’s” parental rights. Once they have achieved this, they turn right around and say that they have “concerns” about Mommy because Mommy: (1) Married Daddy, an obvious bad apple; (2) Neglected Baby by allowing Daddy to abuse/neglect Baby; (3) Neglected Older Child by leaving Older Child alone at some points with Daddy, who treated her badly. These “concerns” about your past parenting are all that they need to put Baby in foster care.

There aren’t enough adoptable young children available, so the CPS workers often try to create adoptable children from their caseload. Don’t count on your present lawyer being effective counsel if CPS decides to come after you — most lawyers think that a case against CPS is going to be like going to Juvenile Court, and they bomb out bigtime. It’s all the best interests of the child, and “erring on the side of the child” by putting him in foster care while the parents “get help with their issues.” Within six months of supervised visits of one hour per week, which the foster-adopt mother often sabotages (my making sure that the child is exhausted and hungry when the visit occurs at the CPS office) they have documented the fact that the baby cries all through every visit and “seems frightened” of you, etc.

Once again, I’m not trying to frighten you, but the standard CPS point of view is that if you married someone bad, then you are dysfunctional and can’t be trusted with children.

Divorced from Gaslighter

Also, the methods that you are using to document your ex’s statements, behavior, etc., you also be used to document everything going on with CPS.

There used to be a really good website on dealing with CPS. It might have been called “CPSwatch” or something like that. I haven’t visited the site in over five years, so I have no idea if it is still in existence or being updated, but people used to post state-specific info that you couldn’t get anywhere else.

My younger child was about to turn three at the time my divorce started, and the school issues went on for years, with the same kind of childish nonsense that your ex is engaged in. Eventually, a courthouse psychologist caught him in a MAJOR game-playing lie, and his custody was reduced from a 50/50 split to every other weekend.

My advice would be to try, as much as possible, to avoid the courthouse, as it is expensive and does so little good. If your ex wants to make your life miserable, he will do so no matter how much you think you are “winning” in court.

Best wishes to you, and I do pray for you and your children.

So court is over. There was a surprise Judge and as soon as the spath heard the name he says “Oh Sh**” his new girlfriend with him gave him a strange look(he lied in his response twice about this particular judge!! Suddenly he was ready to make a consent order! Mind you his other 2 former attorneys were there also!!

We kept going round about for 3 hours because he wanted to add more rules to me, not him and did not want to reimburse me for his failure to provide insurance, he also wanted me to pay the full price for 2 years of Our Family Wizard for both of us!

The Judge “suggested” he find a better solution because he frankly did not want her to decide! So here is the results…..

Baby gets to stay in his daycare, where he has been since he was 7 months old. Spath has to follow ALL rules or face contempt, he also MUST remain respectful to daycare workers and Administrators. Spath had to reimburse me for what I have paid out of pocket for his negligence about the health insurance and he was required to write the check today. We use OFW and each of us pay our own portion, there are to be no other forms of communication except in an emergency and that is to be done by phone. He barred from abusing, threatening me or making any accusations of criminal conduct towards me. Spath cried to his attorney to bar me from filing anymore motions no matter what. He was told to start acting like an adult! The judge also told him that it is against my rights to be forced to deal with harassment and abuse, just because we share a child and have no remedy to make it stop. She told him also to grow up and he wouldn’t loose so much money to attorneys!

I know he will find other things to do to me, but today helped me a little to climb the legal trust ladder.

Wendy – I’m so glad for you! Maybe it will at least keep a lid on his behavior.

Wendy,
Glad to hear that things tipped in your favor in court today!A wise WOMAN judge….glad she is the one that presided over your case!

Hopeful808,
I am sorry you have had to cope with child rearing issues with this type of man. I can only say that you sound very empowered and strong from the experience and I wish for you the very best and peaceful outcome. Thanks to God for the female judge who was placed in your path…no accidents in life!
Boundary setting is what really protects us from spath’s. My boundaries were so soft and permeable when I met who I now refer to as “the abyss”, that he walked right into my life without any resistence or self protective behaviors from me.
I have not posted in awhile. I was becoming overwhelmed with my grief and obsessive with my blogging. I had 3 months NC, and then allowed him to toy with me one last time. There was still a little glimmer of hope in my little “inner girl”…it was put to rest by the shallowness and coldness of his last exchanges with me. I didn’t even cry, that was a first.
Thx to D2, whom I met on LF, and a very close and wise friend, I have finally laid down a clear boundary with “the abyss.” After a couple e-mail’s and him leaving V-mails on my phone, I put all blocks back in place, after sending a clear, short and direct message to “never contact me again”, with none of the former emo-vomit that I used to feed him and he lapped up. (thx again D2!)
I am beginning to see that this really is all about me. Why I wanted the love of a man who clearly did not love me. Why I tolerated disrespect, mistreatment, mind games, consistently inconsistent behavior, obvious disloyalty and followed his directives to destroy my well-being.
I see it was a lack of Father love that led me to let him in my heart and life, why I continued to love him when all indicators were flaming red that he felt nothing for me and the relationship was harming me and destroying my life.
Thx to LF, for all it does to help. Many blessings to you, Donna!! I feel like I am at the beginning of my journey to become an empowered woman who will learn to have healthy boundaries, wise in choosing a mate, and stop looking for a man who can fufill the lost love of a Father I never had. To learn to live with that. In peace.

Bluemosaic – Good for you! I’m so glad for your good start on the road to healing. You’re finding your truth and your self, which will lead to a bright new life.

So lucky to get a judge the recognized a spath and I love that he was surprised. Judges do get paid off. I guess whichever one he paid wasn’t there that day! Glad for you and child.

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