Editor’s Note: This Letter to Lovefraud was submitted by a reader from Italy whom we’ll call “Alessia.”
It all started a year and a half ago when I went through a huge crisis with my life that led me to make a decision to simply leave everything and go out of my country (Italy) on a long luxury vacation of four months. Knowing my destination from a past visit, and based on past decision to make this destination my second home, part of my plan was to buy a house on the beach in this four-month period. Arriving to my destination I didn’t waste a second. I made a contact to real estate agency and asked to view some houses.
Searching for real estate
They sent me a 70+ year old real estate broker. At the beginning he looked handsome, kind, polite and professional. So I came to meet him in his office and from there we drove his car to view some houses. During driving, we talked about many things and it felt very natural in many ways. He was telling me about his life, his family, his current wife (red light *1) etc., and I was telling about my life too. Conversation was interesting and sweet.
The real estate broker
Next couple hours after I returned to my place he called me and asked to meet for coffee (red light*2) the next morning. I was a bit suspicious about it but I went to meet him. We discussed some information about the houses and about the area and everything went smooth. When I was going to go back to my place, he said, “I have to confess, I know you will come back one day. We are soul mates. I have loved you for many years“ (red light*3). WTF I was thinking to myself ”¦ but at the same time it was a very moving, unexpected comment from him.
I left the table and we agreed to meet in the next couple days for house viewing again. I started to feel some tension I could not explain at that time, but I made sure we met ONLY for professional purposes and nothing else. I felt that he was very attracted to me. He even told me that at the third time we met that I am the only one who got him reacted sexually in the last 15 years (red light *4).
The first visit
After one and half months of calls and business meetings ONLY, I accepted his wish to come to visit me in my place. He came there and we started having wonderful conversations about life and simply about everything. In most of cases I was listening to him more than I was talking and I saw how this man is hungry for love, lust, warmth and he indicated to me that I was everything that he was missing in his life (red light *5).
I was also a mirror to his life: He lived all his life in pretending making other people happy until he completely lost his identity. He never says to anyone how and what he really feels so as not to “hurt” their feelings. Basically he gives a sh*t about what people think about him and how the local society will judge him. It’s called “the reputation.”
Ignored the red lights
Since I was sure that I am not going to fall for this man, I did not pay attention for many RED LIGHTS I have heard during conversations, e.g. his current marriage is the 5th. While I had fun to have him around, I had concerns in my heart but I could not convert them into logic yet.
During the time and after conversations turned to be more intimate, we got closer and closer and I felt the love he showed me and I felt that butterflies came back to my life. I felt like a guarding angel came into my life at that time and I was sure it’s a gift from God for me after the previous crisis I had.
Deep love after three months
Slowly, I felt deep in love and only after three months we actually f*cked each other although if that was depending on him it could happen from the first day. We had great time together. We had tons of fun and love was all over. I experienced feelings that I haven’t felt for long, long, time and I felt absolutely blessed and alive. Since I remember myself, I grew up and developed strong values about generosity at any aspect towards people — be it either emotional support or materialistic. Being an extremely generous person, I started to pamper him with so many gestures and gifts. We both were on cloud nine, like 16 year old lovers.
Romantic times together
Sex was pretty amazing AT THAT TIME. We had beautiful romantic breakfasts, dinners, candles, music, hot tubs, little travels and deep conversations. Wherever we went, we brought radiation into the place. All that romance took place while his wife was hectically working from early in the morning until late in the night.
Four-month vacation is over
The time of going back home came close and quick and the separation was absolutely tough that I personally couldn’t bear it. I was already so connected to him and believed all the stories and the bullsh*t he gave me about “two soul mates who met after many years.” I must admit that I was mentally weak when I went on this vacation and he probably recognized it and took advantage of it.
Time passed, I arrived back home and immediately started to plan my next trip. I was all focused on this love and after one month only I came back to that place again, and this time it was for two months.
Back to the vacation spot for two more months
Again, same ritual, excitement, fun, love, romance and feeling of being “drunk” from the love. By the end of this trip I was throwing the bomb to the air and I said to him: “We are both mature people and we are together for enough time and we feel so good with each other. You live your life in unhappy and sexless marriage, why don’t we take it to the next step and be together.” That shocked him (red light *6).
I said, “You don’t have to answer me now, but think about it as I don’t want to waste time and I want commitment with the man that I love so much.” I already knew clearly long time ago that I don’t want to have kids, so being in commitment with a man was pretty easy and comfy for both sides.
The business “deal”
The day before I left back to my country he came back to my place and said, “I have an interesting business idea (red light *7) and I want you to get in.” Without getting into details now but saying that I trusted him more than I have ever trusted someone. So we discussed the “business idea” for a bit and I ended up giving six figures amount of money into his “idea.” He promised results after one month and I believed him and was waiting for developments. Everything made sense to me at that time and it looked to me very natural to share simply everything I had with him.
Nothing came out from the business idea and excuses (red light *8) were all over. YET, I trusted him and I said to myself good things will come out of it one day.
Back in Italy
In the meantime I arrived back in Italy again and I felt there was something wrong but I did not know to point out of WHAT EXACTLY and I have tried to convince myself that all is OK. “Our” long distance relationship was based on daily Skype or FaceTime conversations until our next meetings.
After another month I came back to see him again and to be with him for another two months. After the first day of adjustments, straight I put the cards on the table and required clear answer. Where are we heading from here? He probably knew this is going to come and immediately surprised me and he took out an engagement ring and made a proposal. I was shocked, I felt stupid and I was so happy for that action. I felt stupid mostly because I had so many suspicions at that time and once he took this action, all were gone.
Then a couple days after this nice gesture, I got with him into deeper conversation and I was asking him how he is going to do that, what he is going to do, what he is going to say to his wife, what he is going to say to his family, and I wanted to know the steps in details. Some of my questions got totally ignored by him as he said I am pushing too much and promised “things will be OK (red light *9). So again we went thru the love ritual all the period of time I was there.
I paid for everything. He paid for nothing.
Before I forget I have to mention several facts. This man NEVER paid for anything for me, or for us, and I was the one who took care of all payments for simply everything.
He almost never stayed to sleep in my place because he had to be at home when his wife was home. So there were only a few times that he stayed overnight and those times he lied to her, telling her he had a “conference” out of town.
I am the only one who took actions and made steps towards this relationship. All what you read here is backed up with evidences including documents, text messages, phone calls recordings, hard written notes from him and more.
Free access to my credit card
One day we had a conversation and he claimed “I don’t make any transactions, I feel so down” (red light *10). He knew that I have compassionate generous heart and he was right because right away I was telling him, “OK, how much money do you need?” and took out my credit card and put it on the table and told him he can use it for whatever he wants. He played the innocent by saying “no I won’t take your money but I just wanted to let you know that I am very down as I feel not very productive” (yeh right).
In the end, after I convinced him to take it and to help himself with whatever he needs, he took the credit card. This credit card was in his pocket for two months and the total sum he used and PROMISED TO GIVE BACK WHEN HE HAS TRANSACTIONS was amount of $6,390. He used this money to market his business in the social media and hired the service of some company to help him. That was not a good solution since nothing came out of it, but I really wanted to do everything I can do to help him and to make him happy and content.
The opinions of Mum and Dad
In the meantime I came back to Italy and I had a conversation with my mum. My mum is really cool about things like that and she was supportive all the way about this relationship. My father was supportive too, although he did not understand what I saw in a man his age. He was slight suspicious, mostly because the man never came to visit me while at the same time he was telling me how serious he was. So I was telling my mum everything and she asked me, “how come this man has never flown over to see you and you are the only one who is making efforts?”
That comment blew me away of course, but again, I loved him, and for me it was clear that in his situation I am the one who needs to swallow the frog and to make the efforts until we move in together and achieve the stage we planned to achieve at the first place.
I had a dream before yet another trip
One month passed and I have found myself in this place again coming to be with him. Before my trip he was telling me that he thinks that I need to take some steps in order to move there constantly and to bring over my business and to settle in til he moves in with me. I was happy!
One night before my trip I had lucid dream: Someone came to me and said, “that’s going to be your last trip for that purpose” and I woke up sweating and felt really bad and I was even thinking to cancel my trip due to my feelings.
I was smoking like crazy at the day of my flight and I was very nervous. (Usually i don’t smoke.) In the end I took the flight and I arrived to the place and told him about all I was going thru with my feelings and AGAIN I have got triple package of excuses of why he cannot leave yet.
I decided that I am not going to talk about it anymore and I am going to have fun whatever happens. So I was there one month, we had amazing time as usual but it was only because I decided not to get into arguments and fights.
I felt the end coming
The last day there was terrible. Although I kind of forgot about the dream I had, it was somewhere in the back of my mind. I felt the end coming but I didn’t know why. Taking the flight back home again I was going back to work and managed my daily life with heavy heart. I called him and told him that I feel something is going on but I don’t know what. His response was very warm and supportive and he knew how to “drug” me with his talk!
Then the new year thing came up and I was asking him what’s his plans? He said “I am going to visit my son and his family for a week” ”¦ hhhhmmmm I said, “OK ”¦ so when we are going to meet again?” He said, “at the end of January after my wife goes back to work.” So I was asked him, “are you coming to visit me this time?” He said, “well you know that I would like to do that but I can’t yet.” I said, “you know what ”¦ OK we will talk tomorrow.”
My nightmare begins
I was just turn off Skype and here is the beginning of my nightmare begin. I got an e-mail BY “MISTAKE” from him. It was a resort confirmation. Resort in Hawaii for the dates he said he is going to “visit his son and the family.” Two names were in this document and one of them wasn’t mine; he and his wife!
A night in the ICU
At that moment I passed out.
I don’t remember that moment as my smart dogs started barking and a friend who just passed by my house came in and found me on the floor, pale, cold and almost dead. He called the ambulance and they immediately took me to the ICU.
After spending the night in ICU, I woke up in the morning and see all my family around me crying and nobody knows what’s going on including me. At this stage I just woke up and wanted to digest where I am and what I am doing. I remember my mum taking everybody outside and coming back to the room telling me “it’s him, what did he do to you?”
No word from him
After few hours they were letting me out from the hospital and my mum insisted that I will stay in their home for couple days. I declined. So they came with me to my home and stayed with me couple days. My parents NEVER interrupt my life and they pretty much trust me and consider me a smart and intelligent person. The first thing I did when I came home was to look on my smartphone to see if I had calls. NOTHING!
He did not even call me!!! I went outside to the backyard and called him on FaceTime immediately when he was still at home and his wife was around, but I already didn’t care.
I said to him, “So you are going to Hawaii huh?”
He said, ”What are you talking about?“
I said, “You know exactly what I am talking about.”
His face fell off. He started to change colors and of course to make excuses that he can’t talk.
I said to him, “I don’t f*cking care. Why did you lie to me?”
He said, “well I am sorry but I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”
I said, “How could you go on vacation with the wife that you don’t love anymore, after making proposal to me and promised to leave home very soon? HOW? How did you let me to make all those changes and to shake my world for you while you knew from the beginning that you will never leave?”
I was in sensation and on the edge of craziness about it and I couldn’t control myself and I felt that I am going to pass out again. My heart beat crossed the 200 and my blood pressure was jumping higher and higher.
I told him that I was at the hospital after I caught him with this lie.
All he had to say was, ”Oh no, I am so sorry.”
I said: “Is this all you have to say?”
Then I repeated again, “Why did you lie to me? Why did you mislead me, and deceive me like that?”
But he was quiet like a fish and did not know what to say, which made my Italian blood jump to the sky. In the end I told him, “Listen, I love you. If you truly love me and you want me and you want to rebuild the trust, then cancel the trip first and then lets meet and we will put a deadline for when the hell things are going to happen.”
So Mr. “I need to think about it” said, “OK I will have to see how I do it and bla bla bla ”¦”
He needs to think about it
Do you understand guys ”¦ HE F*CKING NEEDS TO THINK ABOUT IT.
At this stage I was still having the hope that he will get his mind straight and he will come back with good news for us. I believed he will regret. I believed that he will understand the mistake he was doing.
I wanted him and loved him with all my heart and I couldn’t believe that after all what we have been thru together and after all the love I gave him and after all the things he was telling me he will drop it so easily.
Mentally and physically exhausted
I was exhausted mentally and physically. I was totally confused and I didn’t know WHAT was going to happen. I was so stressed out. My best friends were trying their best to get me out of it and to forget about him, but I resisted.
I decided that I didn’t want to speak to him until he had an answer for me.
He was trying to communicate with me and had written me so much bullsh*t about how much he loves me and cares for me and I simply ignored him due to my negative state of mind and my physical state.
After two days or so, I only started to digest the LEVEL of his lie and that led me to discover another lie, and another box of lies. All the red lights I have seen and heard and ignored since we met, came to the front stage of my mind. And here I am, getting the entire puzzle. But this is not even the tip of the iceberg yet.
So after couple days I called and asked him, “What’s the answer?”
He replied coldly, “I DECIDED I GO ON VACATION!!!!”
That without even blinking! That was stabbing the knife right in my heart and making sure I am dying. I couldn’t believe for a second this is what happens to me.
At that moment I was shaking like I was in cold of -90 c. I was nervous and did not know what to do. So I decided to take my car and to drive the highway ”¦ don’t know where to go. My whole body was shaking and I felt sensation of extreme cold and extreme warm at the same time. I was totally shocked and couldn’t believe that he could do that to the “love of his life” to the “soul mate” he was waiting for so many years. OMG.
A serious car accident
I drove my car on the highway and after five minutes had rough accident. I lost control and the car was going right into the wall in the center of the highway. The strong German car turned into A4 page or more correctly, the car was totally lost! I can’t remember what happened from here. I only know that some of my bones got hurt badly and I suffered couple serious hits in some parts of my body.
In ICU, not expected to live
I was 16 days at ICU connected to respirator and not even aware of what was going on. I was unable to communicate and the medical team simply told my family the following, “we are sorry, but this girl will not stay alive, you better all come here to say goodbye to her.”
During these 16 days friends and family arrived from any place in the world. They were all very supportive towards my family and towards the fragile situation while they didn’t even know what exactly happened. My two best friends knew everything and my parents partially knew what happened at that point. After 16 days of that everyone was praying for me, I started to communicate, moving hands, moving my head, moving my legs and responded to the doctors’ tests.
Medical team was shocked
During these days where I was still out of any communication one of my good friends who knew details of the story and knew about the sensation I have been going thru had my smartphone with him in order to keep people posted about my condition. So he sent a message on WhatsApp to that bastard to let him know “what is going on with me” and that was after he knew I am in the hospital under huge risk.
He has issues
My friend told him straight away that he should be here for me at this moment and he should fly over. The idiot wrote back and said, “there is a storm in the East Coast and I cannot fly.” Of course that was another rude excuse in order not to make any effort in a very hard moment when my life is under risk. My friend wrote back to him and said, “Everyone from overseas is here, and did not have any issues to fly over.”
He responded back saying, “I have issues!” That was the last message we got from him on MY smartphone.
24 days in the hospital
After 16 days at ICU and against all predictions of doctors I finally made it and started to communicate somehow. After another couple days of tight supervision and great treatment I got, I started to get up from bed, walking, eating, digesting what happened to me. In total I was at hospital 24 days and went back home at night.
My parents did not want to leave me alone so they came to live in my home for a week or so until I felt like I needed to kick them out.
Dealing with the damage
In this week we started to get information of how I am dealing with the damage and the mess this man left. We hired the best criminal and fraud lawyers in his state in the U.S.
Unfortunately after hectic investigation we got another bomb by knowing that the laws in his state do not cover any aspect of my case and therefore I can sue him but nothing will come out of it.
I had some proper documentations and evidences I could use, but despite of that, it was not even worth the money we will have to invest to take him to the court. It will be investing good money after bad money that invested and we basically wanted to bring that situation to the end and to be focus on one thing: to get me back to normal.
So called “Friends” making things worse
Another mistake that I have made was to trust some “friends” that knew him as they were living in the same area. Those friends showed their “care” to me after I got out from the hospital. They called me couple times and asked me if I want them to go to his wife to tell her about everything.
I said no way but I was not aware that he already got in touch with them and told them lies about me and about us and basically he got them to record me. Luckily I was smart enough to say that I don’t want all that revenge. Later I understood they were trying to record me in order to “prove” that I was trying to extort him! What a joke!
Depression sets in
After I started to digest everything and to hear where I was in the recent month after the accident I was sinking into deep depression that last around three months.
I did not want to hear about therapy or any of that. I did not eat at all, lost tons of weight and looked so sick and bad. From happy flower and independent shrewd business woman, I turned to be a broken person and zombie. I did not want to see anyone, I did not want to communicate with anyone and I did not want to listen to anyone. I suspended any activity on my business and I just wanted to be alone and to die.
Private investigator finds out info
Meanwhile I hired private investigator that after a while brought me shocking information about him, about his past and the information I did not really want to hear.
His wife discovered everything and still stayed with him, but only because he was lying to her by saying that “his Italian client was trying to extort him” so she should not pay attention to all what she hears or receives!!!!
Dark and low places
When my life was under risk this jerk made homework and sowed the seeds for the time I will get out ”¦ then everyone already believe his lies and bullsh*t stories.
Days and nights of nightmares, sleepless time and totally dark and low places I have ever been in my life took me into the place where I said to myself, “That’s the situation. How do I recover from all that? Where do I start?”
Healing begins with a documentary film
Then an angel came to me in my dream one night and said, “You have to serve other girls by presenting your tragedy.” I did not realize what does it mean but after couple weeks the coin fell. I am going to do a documentary about my story like has never seen on the screens yet. And that’s where my recovery process started.
I hired the services of the best documentary producer in L.A. We hired legal staff, psychologists, investigators and all crew to work on this large project. We gathered a lot of information and started to get in touch with his ex-wives and some people from his past that luckily were willing to cooperate with us.
Difficult to re-live during filming
I must say, confronting this material every time we had filming was not easy for me at all. At the same time, this is the best way to clear my mind from that trashy experience.
So we are now at stage where we filming the movie, not every day but quite extensively. Basically all the professionals will be interviewed to give their professional input into this specific case and in general while I am the major figure who is telling the story as it was while I expose myself, the documents, intimate photos and information, Skype calls recordings and all the information that I gathered into this movie.
The thing is that he doesn’t know yet, but he is going to be exposed and to be under fire when this project will be complete and that would be my gift for him, and my gift to the world and to any girl who is going to fall in love with a man.
The movie length would last three hours and we already have contract with a large TV channel who will broadcast the doc nationally and probably internationally at some point. I don’t know what his reaction would be, but this will bring out the truth to the front stage when he cannot continue telling lies to people and to his wife and he would not get out clean from this story in the end.
And what have I learned from all this?
- When you meet a men, ONLY ACTION is what counts and NOT empty talks and words
- Check in advance who you are dealing with
- Make sure you don’t fall into trap
- Check with yourself WHY you attract negative people into your life and to work to fix it
- Make sure the man you are dating is not a gold digger
- Never give 100% of yourself so quickly
- Don’t believe to sweet words and excuses
- Don’t accept to be the second of anyone
- Check some self esteem issues with yourself and go to therapy if you need to
- And try not to date married man at all!
When I think about my experience I ask myself, “was it worth it?” the answer is CLEARLY NOT. But if I can take it to good direction and to serve other people and inspire them ”¦ so I did my job! Don’t get me wrong, I am not yet 100% OK. I still suffer some nightmares and hard times. But if I need to compare where I was to where I am today ”¦ I am in totally different place.